Learnings

last update: 1/20/24

I continue to learn and grow more than I ever expected through this experience. My brother’s wisdom, “every day’s a school day” rings truer all the time.

I feel inspired to share my learnings, ways of processing, and questions I’m asking myself, and will post these periodically here and on my website as I feel so inspired. I have been journaling and reflecting a lot, so I’ll continue to update this page as I refine my thoughts and feel ready to share more.

Thanks for listening and engaging as you're able.
With love,

Tracy Smith, MPH, MOA (Master of Public Health, Master of Adapting)

Reflections Pt 1: July 16, 2023

I am a mosaic; a tangled web of trauma, grief, frustration, and pain as well as gratitude, joy, optimism, and pride. My survival story is full of miracles. It is full of tender, sweet moments and horrific, tragic ones. A mosaic brings beauty to a mess of broken individual pieces and turns them into something beautiful and whole, something that is nice to look at from afar and not always so nice to see up close. At times it’s as if I’m looking out from within the broken shards. I say all of this while knowing that through challenge comes immense growth and I am doing amazingly well.

My memory is also fractured. I have a detailed understanding of what happened yet no memory of the accident itself or the first 5 days in the ICU. Much of the first 2 weeks is a blur. It is a strange experience to know all the details from the moment of the accident—via anecdotes from those who were there or peripherally involved, to reading the play-by-play from medical reports, to seeing photos. And I know how deeply it has affected me, yet it feels distant.

I honor it all as if I do remember and let it process and integrate through my subconscious and physical being. As I get farther from survival mode, all that has and continues to happen integrates in a deeper way. This looks like letting waves of grief come and pass, letting my limbs shake to release trauma, talking about what happened, and staying close to the experience rather than pushing it away.

I have constant reminders in the way my body feels and looks - my numb middle finger, stiff middle and ring fingers, painful left arm, numb mouth and face, dry eyes, scars, aching legs and ankles, shoulder/back/neck pain. It is a battle to wake up with daily reminders as so many parts of this body don’t feel as I want, or even in some cases, like my mouth, don’t feel as if they belong to me. I am reminded when I see myself or use these body parts, and I hold that remembering dearly at the same time that it hurts my heart. In my mosaic, the joy most times overpowers the grief, with overwhelming gratitude in simply being here and surrounded by life and love, while also often stricken with waves of staggering grief that I allow myself to experience and let pass.

Reflections Pt 2: August 10, 2023

I want to explore the grief component of my mosaic, and I’ll admit it feels funny to write about grief in this celebratory moment. A good friend cautioned me that grief might come back stronger with big life events, and this idea deeply resonates. It is also timely to talk about grief with recently moving through the 2 year anniversary of my dad’s passing (July 20th) as well as what would have been his 85th birthday (July 30th).

I see and feel him everywhere. In the morning after Patrick and I became engaged, I was reading by the river at our campsite. A hummingbird hovered very close to my face for about 30 seconds before zooming off. Shortly after, I was honored to see a family of mama and 8 baby ducklings doing swim practice. To echo my last post, love wins... and love and grief are deeply intertwined.

Grief can be all-consuming, wrenching, defeating, and makes it hard to relate. It comes in waves that overpower you without warning. With each wave, I sit in the experience, allow all the feelings and thoughts, and let it run its course. I’ve experienced how new grief compounds with the old. I’m still grieving the changes I’ve had to make due to my many head injuries, the many human and animal losses over the years - the most significant was losing my dad so quickly and unexpectedly 2 years ago - and now, all that this accident entails... not to mention the many things about the general state of the US and world.

I resonate with the idea that grief is like a shipwreck. We are hit by recurring and random waves of profuse heartbreak and longing, at times bringing clarity and at times tumultuous thought. All the areas of your life (identity, relationships, work, hobbies, how you show up in the world) are thrown into the ocean, and you have to fight for what you want to hold on to. It is also an opportunity to let some things go and make important changes, as you realize what you want to fight for. The waves become less frequent and less intense over time as we begin to heal and integrate, though I realize now it’s more like waiting for the next experience to come and reignite the choppy sea. In the new waves there is both an understanding of how to stay afloat, as we have done this before, and greater feelings of longing as the grief builds. Lately, I find comfort in the waves. I am moving through my recovery with the learnings from previous grief experiences, and those I have lost are riding the waves with me.

I increasingly recognize the complexity and layers of my grief. Much like my physical injuries, there are layers of mental/emotional/spiritual trauma that will take a long time to unravel, understand, and heal. My grief continues to evolve. I write more about this below and will continue to update my thoughts as I understand myself better.

What am I grieving specifically related to this accident?

Who I pictured I’d be now - growing in my consulting work, using my MPH training, more active in my community, going on adventures, soon having kids, traveling
Relationships - many have changed since the accident, in both good and hard ways
Activities I love and cannot currently do - walking/running with the dogs, volleyball, skiing, paddle boarding, hiking, DIY projects, house and yard work
Ability to have a full life, one that is not consumed with and driven by medical appointments and a lawsuit
The enjoyment of food - I am learning how to adapt and make food that is accessible to my current mouth and is yummy and at the same time I am not often excited to eat
My appearance - I know I am beautiful and still, when I look in the mirror I am frequently startled by what I see. There are many things that weren't initially apparent and I have come to realize that I miss about my appearance, like my smile and my facial freckles.
Intimacy in the way I used to know it - I can’t feel much of my face and lips, my body is a constant reminder of what happened
As I establish with NM surgeons and specialists, I grieve the loss of my CO surgeons who felt like family

1 Year Life Celebration - October 14th.pdf

Reflections Pt 3: September 5, 2023

ANNOUNCEMENT: Save the date! 1 Year Celebration of Surviving and Thriving on October 14th in Taos. I hope you can make it to come celebrate life and love with this amazing community.

Thank you to @hotellunamystica, @daleeKtaos, and @taoscanyoncannabis for helping to make this event possible.

As I continue to experience new milestones and near my 11-month accident-iversary, I increasingly reflect on how much I have to be thankful for. I can't say it enough, I have had such amazing support on this journey and am continuously grateful for everyone who has shown up along the way as well as this incredible body that wants to heal. I would not be here without the amazing combination of Western and Holistic/Traditional medicine and all of the professionals I have encountered on this path (more coming on this in another post). I continue to make amazing progress and am proud of myself. I have crossed paths, (re)connected, deepened relationships, and been supported by a multitude of individuals in the 10+ months since my accident. I have my exceptional fiance, mother, and brother, to most immediately thank as they have and continue to make many sacrifices to champion me on this journey. I also want to thank all of you in my community. Your support has helped me to get where I am and empowers me to continue to focus on my health and healing. Community is essential and without it, I would be lost.

THANK YOU to everyone who has been there for me, from the very beginning to now. I see you, I appreciate you, I love you. I can’t wait to celebrate life with you.

Reflections Pt 4: November 5th, 2023

I continue to marinate in the yummy feelings from our 1 year surviving and thriving weekend celebrations; I remain in awe of the whole experience.

I felt anxious leading up to the party. Planning a gathering is hard, my upcoming surgeries occupied my mind, and I had many contradicting thoughts and feelings: I recognized that holding a life celebration was both a weird thing to do and the right thing (for me); I wanted people to celebrate my survival (and thrival 😁), knew I would be the center of attention, and still didn’t love the idea of all eyes and focus on me; I was excited to bring people together, hoped everyone would enjoy themselves, and worried in the back of my heart/mind that people wouldn’t come.

I feel reassured, full of warmth, and lifted up by everyone’s presence. The breadth of community who showed up, traveling from near and far, to celebrate with us was above and beyond. I find comfort in the glowing, wonderful memories I can return to any time, especially for a pick me up.

Thank you to all who were there physically and in spirit!

I also want to acknowledge that there’s something of a dichotomy in the feelings from the weekend and the general sentiments shared by others, and in how I walk through the world on a day-to-day basis.

Photos 6-10 by Silvana Palacios: @silvanap28

For one, I am learning how to hold both being an inspiration and continuing to find inspiration myself. It builds me up to hear that I am inspiring others and also, I can’t let that consume me or be my sole drive. I have to keep going for me.

Similarly, it feels good to hear positive comments about my appearance, that I am beautiful, fit, strong, etc. I believe these things to be true, and don’t always feel them myself. My being is drastically different than she was before. I am still getting used to her and getting to know her!

Having such a wonderful experience over the weekend leading up to the actual 1 year accident-iversary made the official day less heavy. I didn’t consciously plan it that way, and it seemed to diffuse the potential distress in remembering a day that will forever carry a deep wound. I went to bed that day with a funny thought… I’ll never be 1 again! More soon.

Reflections Pt 5: November 12th, 2023

Continuing my last thread re: inspiration, I’ve been thinking about pride vs ego. Pride keeps us afloat if it remains an intrinsic motivator and if ego does not take over.

I’m mostly certain I’m not ego-driven because, truthfully, I often feel uncomfortable with all of this. Yet, it undeniably builds me up to hear I am doing amazing things, that I am in ways a role model. I feel proud.

I also didn’t choose to respond this way or weigh my options post-accident…I just did how I did. I often wonder if I am living up to what people say about me.

I try to remember to sit still and check in with myself instead of getting caught up in the perception of others, while also leaning into the yumminess of being recognized and lifted up.

It is a delicate dance not to let ego creep in when regularly hearing how inspiring you are, or that someone can’t imagine being as strong or resilient. I try to listen while recognizing the beauty and power each of us holds.

I think my power is simply shining in this moment, due to unfortunate circumstances. We all have our place, are all connected and necessary. I feel more and more that part of my role right now is to empower others to be strong in the face of adversity, to approach challenge head on, to not let things - big or small - bring them down.

I say all of this with a big smile, behind which is some discomfort in talking about myself in this way.

Back to my late night accident-iversary realization that I’ll never be 1 again… I know I won’t lose inspiration and motivation. And, having made it a whole year, doing so well, I feel loss. Grieving the many milestones that have passed, I wonder what’s next.

I know there will always be more to celebrate! At the same time, part of me worries that what happened/is happening to me, my continued trauma and recovery, will become old news. It will be very present for me and my family for some time.

As I heal from one surgery and approach another, I am in a period of deep rest and recovery. Again. I’m trying not to ruminate on “Will I lose the many improvements I’ve made?” and instead consider, “How do I want to feel/be during this next phase? How can I make the most of today?”

Reflections Pt 6: November 20th, 2023

As I recover from surgery #10 (eyelid repair, with evolving complications) and approach #11 (jaw reconstruction), I want to share thoughts on appearance, another regular contemplation on this path. While both surgeries are deeply functional in purpose, they also seek to bring me closer to how I looked before.

It is not always a pleasant experience for me to look in the mirror or see a photograph of myself. I believe that I am beautiful and feel settled with the changes to my appearance most of the time, and still am often startled by what I see.

The many changes I continue to go through affect me mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and in how I move through the world. Although I don’t love to admit it, appearance is a big one.

We learn through experience how to interact with the world and how the world, in turn, interacts with us. Many patterns of interaction happen because of characteristics we did not choose, that we have to learn to notice and work with.

Being an attractive female comes with privileges and challenges that one learns to navigate over time. For example, how heterosexual men often treat you, interactions in the workplace, the common root of compliments, how people talk about you and to you, first impressions.

It is a shock to the system when this characteristic, structural experience, is no longer there. I was both attached and resistant to that part of my identity, and now that it’s altered, my being is confused. My new appearance brings a different response from people–a double-take ridden with concern–and perhaps it is a reflection of how I see myself, the discomfort and confusion I experience when interacting with others. Are they mesmerized by the way my mouth does and doesn’t move? By my uneven teeth? By my scars? By my awkward eyelid position? Is this vanity?

I am getting used to this face, giving her all my love, while working on letting go of the idea that my appearance will ever return to what it was before. And that’s ok! Only by listening with intention to what startles the nervous system, despite how painful it can be, are we able to work through it. After all, we are our biggest critics – and champions <3

Reflections Pt7: November 25, 2023

At times, I am overly conscious of my appearance, yet I also recognize I don’t necessarily look like what happened to me or what I am experiencing. The mosaic of thoughts and feelings, plus ass-kicking hard work and resolve, that are creating this version of me are not always apparent to the world. A helpful reminder that we never know what someone is going through.

While my previous head injuries provided many lessons about living with “invisible illness,” I didn’t expect a similar experience now when my injuries were so widespread and unmistakably present.

For what felt like a long time right after the accident, I didn’t know what my body looked like. I was covered in bandages, had no idea of the wounds or scars underneath, and didn’t even understand the extent of my injuries. I asked again and again for hospital staff to please give me a summary, only fully understanding after combing through medical records to compile a list myself. Even then, the information often didn’t match up, so it took a while to get it right (if you’re curious, the list is here under "Current State").

Now, however, after 13+ months of determination and deep focus on my health and well-being, I don’t limp, I look and feel strong, and I’ve been told that my scars don’t walk into the room first. The more I realize I look normal-ish, the more I am surprised and sometimes put off by the idea of it. At the same time, it feels good.

Still, my scars and facial structure often raise questions or concerns. The overthinker in me comes out with each new person I encounter - do I want them to know what happened? Do I need them to? Even with people I knew before there are similar questions I ask myself, reinforcing a big question I continue to answer, “how does or doesn’t my survival story impact my identity?”

At times, I feel that I have a big secret… because I do.

My daily existence continues to be centered around the accident - appointments, coordinating care, being my best advocate, endless conversations with insurance, nutrition, exercise, rest, the lawsuit, etc… it is quite a strange and surreal existence and can be hard to explain, or sometimes even know, who I am underneath.

Reflections Pt 8: January 20, 2024

I often feel like I’m witnessing the solar system, watching everything/one fly and orbit, and I’m immobilized. Moving into 2024 with the opportunity for reflection that I so value exacerbates this feeling of stuckness.

The care coordinating, advocacy, moving targets, insurance battles, ongoing lawsuits, and periods of clarity followed by unending questions and uncertainty, overwhelm me.

2023 was an unfamiliar and unexpected year. And while immensely grateful for the life that I do have, I am worn down and feel that life is out of my control. It is difficult to make plans (present or future) as I don’t know what will come up or what life will be like, I don’t know when I will have the capacity to work again, and it is isolating when seemingly unrelatable things consume my life. There is immense grief to work through.

I have moments where I yearn to be the old me and who I was growing to be before the accident. I had just finished grad school, was building my freelance portfolio, and looking forward to having more free time without the constraints of being a full-time student while also working.

So many things are different now... of course they are. I will forever be this new and evolving me. I have a hard time even envisioning what a spacious life will feel and look like and am unsure, when the time comes, how I will want to spend my time.

And, though I hate to admit it, I feel envious reading wonderful New Year's reflections filled with excitement, adventure, and normalcy that I am missing.

2023 held space for joy, community, healing, growth, and fun, and honing a new perspective on life that in many ways is a gift. Despite my mosaic of feelings and difficulty re-integrating into “normalcy”, I continue to exceed expectations. I still find inspiration, optimism, and gratitude most days for things big and small and move through my days feeling mostly joyful.

I continue to work on letting my thoughts and feelings be what they are, appreciating them, leaning into whatever comes up, and knowing so deeply that life is good.

We’re all riding the rollercoaster. I hope you can find love, joy, and awe in the highs and the lows - I strive to.

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