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The Romans is great. Here we see the TARDIS crew hanging out in Italy, drinking loads of wine and - in the case of Ian and Barbara - seriously approaching the point where they need to ask if this counts as 'girlfriend and boyfriend'.
It's nice to see the TARDIS crew simply enjoying history, rather than just staring in horror as everyone dies. It's almost a shame when the story starts. And then, of course, loads of people die.
Doctor Who and Vicky wander off to have their own adventure, which is presumably full of hilarious misunderstandings based on Vicky using teenage slang and Doctor Who spluttering and pulling faces at the camera. This leaves Ian and Barbara alone to have their own private toga party.
Ian and Barbara are great, aren't they? In this scene, they make a really good joke about a fridge. That's the kind of quality Doctor Who companion banter that the series was later to lose sight of.
It doesn't last long, of course. Not even 1960s Doctor Who can get away with an entire episode of the regulars just laughing and dressing up in hats. No, soon a plot happens to them and spoils their fun,
These two ruffians burst in and start waving daggers about. They want Ian and Barbara to be slaves, you see, and their argument in support of this is, "We have knives". Ian is employing his usual first line of defence, which is to politely and logically explain his opposition to the idea, using examples and deductive reasoning where necessary. He's probably at this very moment asking if anyone has any chalk so he can set out his reasoning in a flow chart.
The slave trader guys are not as interested as Ian would ideally like, and soon there's a lot of broken pottery on the floor, and the general sense of the evening having gone downhill, buzz-wise.
Meanwhile, Doctor Who and Vicky have met a proper Roman, in armour and everything. He doesn't look very impressed with them, does he? He looks like he's thinking, "Who are these idiots, and why does the older one keep cackling to himself?"
Doctor Who has decided to do a brilliant disguise, you see. He's found this little harp thing, and he's instantly thought, "Oh, I could pretend to be a harp playing guy, that sounds like fun." Doctor Who may come over as a bored, psychopathic alien who toys idly with people's lives to ward off galactic ennui. But he's also considers himself to be literally the best at everything, and sometimes his propensity for showing off inclines him towards playfulness.
Vicky isn't helping his disguise, is she? She's clearly laughing at everything he says, and snorting with derision when he talks about his 'process'.
Doctor Who is mentally noting this. Stop it Vicky! He left his last companion in a toxic wasteland, while she was shouting, "Please come back!", and that was his own grand-daughter!
Ian, having lost his argument with the slave traders, now has to live on a boat all day. He gets to row the boat, though, which is fun, and there are songs and everything, so it's not all bad. Every now and then the slave captain guy will shout at them all and threaten them with death, but that's all part of the experience.
Barbara has been sold as a lady-slave. This old man is saying, "You'll like being a slave, there's loads of grapes and everyone will want to stroke your face."
You can tell by Barbara's expression that she's already had enough of this silliness, and that if anyone tries to stroke her face, they'll wish they hadn't. In a minute that guy is going to get the full force of 'not angry, just very disappointed', and he will be anxious for someone to hurry up and invent therapy.
This is the main bad guy for this story. He's Emperor Nero, and he's famous for being in history, as well as being in Doctor Who.
He's discovered Barbara and, like every single man in this era of the show, he instantly starts asking her if she wants to be his girlfriend.
It's a no from Barbara. She's gives a number of sterling rebuttals, including
"You have a wife,"
"I have a sort-of boyfriend and though he's very polite, he also batters someone unconscious at least once per adventure,"
"I'm a history teacher, and you're a historical character, so it would be unethical,"
"I hate your stupid, gurning cartoon face".
Ian is still being a slave, except he's now in a cell instead of a boat, so it's even less fun. His irritation at this turn of events is only mitigated by the cool moody lighting which is bringing out his pensive charm.
He's also probably wondering how all this will sound if he gets back to his own time, and trying to work out what he's going to put on his 'return to work' form.
Vicky has wandered off from Doctor Who and is hiding somewhere. It has quickly become apparent that Roman times are full of jerks who want to stab you or declare you their wife or something. Plus Doctor Who is on one of his 'It's fun to play with history' benders, so she's staying out of the way until he's calmed down a bit.
Sure enough, Doctor Who is now hanging out with Nero and it looks like maybe they've been drinking all day.
There are some times when Doctor Who meets evil, selfish rulers and instantly spends the rest of the afternoon ruining all their plans and making them cry. Not today, though. He's having far too much fun. I think he's still pretending to be a musician, and so it's possible that he envisages a future where he's no longer a mysterious traveller in time and space, but is instead a super cool rock god.
There's also the fact that he and Nero are disturbingly similar. See, for example, the way Nero is talking over whatever his wife is saying and shouting, "Can Doctor Who stay over? And could you get us a massive bag of crisps? And can I have another wife, called Barbara, for a bit? Make that two bags of crisps."
Nero goes on a date with Barbara, and it does not go well. For a start, he's taken her to see some men murdering each other, which is really not her kind of thing.
And secondly, one of the men is Ian. Barbara is mostly attracted to Ian's thoughtful, gentlemanly demeanour, and likes to think of them as a couple who go on long walks in matching cardigans, identifying types of tree and making droll comments about the issues of the day. She's not so keen on being confronted with the reality, which is that they spend most of their time with Ian murdering people while she shouts, "Kick his head in!" from the sidelines.
Doctor Who has become fed up of Nero and is now regretting becoming his friend so quickly and agreeing to hang out all day.
Insane dictators are fun for a bit, but there's going to come a point where they're jumping up and down on the bed shouting, "Let's murder everyone we know!" and you just want to read a book or something.
Nero's having quite the time here, isn't he? His scroll has caught fire, and he's running around screaming like he's never seen flames before. Doctor Who is thinking, "I have very much changed my mind about this guy, and I hope he's forgotten that I agreed to get matching tattoos."
Everyone escapes and runs away from Rome, abandoning the story. They haven't really achieved anything apart from 'Don't get murdered', but some days that's got to count as a win.
Doctor Who and Vicky look absolutely delighted with themselves. From the look on their faces you'd think they were watching the oppressed slaves rising up, and congratulating themselves of helping them to throw off the shackles of their oppressors.
What they are in fact laughing at is Rome burning to the ground, with, one can only assume, many, many deaths.
Well, the Romans were quite annoying.
Events play out as history records them. Doctor Who spends a lot of time saying things like, "Oh, you can't mess with history," but looking at the evidence, it seems likely that he probably could if he wanted to, but is simply far too easiy distracted.
We leave Nero, playing whatever instrument that's meant to be. laughing insanely as his house burns down.
I guess Doctor Who did rub off on him after all.
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