Embedded Files
It's another adventure for Doctor Who, and he's already asleep. Usually he waits until about half way through the story before declaring the situation impossible and then falling asleep while everyone else runs around trying to resolve the plot. This week he's ahead of the game.
Ian and Barbara are having a go at being in charge of the TARDIS, pressing buttons and laughing to themselves. It turns out it's easy being Doctor Who, and anyone can do it.
Get a load of this spiky faced guy. He's called Koquillion. That's not his face. It's a mask he wears, for no discernible reason.
Here Koquillion considers stealing the TARDIS. If he had succeeded, and the show had become about him, then the rest of the series would have been very different. I can't imagine he'd have bothered saving all the planets and defeating all the monsters. He doesn't seem the type.
That said, neither was Doctor Who at first. He was quite mean. Although, even in his most addled moments, he never wore anything like that on his head.
Ian and Barbara go for a walk and discover this cool valley, complete with broken spaceship. It is either very small, or very far away. If it is small, then this will be the first adventure where they can win simply by treading on their opponents.
There are some people in the spaceship, and one of them is this young woman with lovely hair. She is called Vicki and her hobbies are being sad, staring at tables and wishing she wasn't stranded on a horrible planet.
Spiky Face keeps coming round to bother her. It isn't quite clear what the relationship is. She seems terrified of him, and he keeps threatening her with murder, but also he seems to pop round the same time every morning for a chat, and then he just goes. Perhaps he's new to the whole 'being a villain' thing, and hasn't got past Chapter 1 - "Having a horrifying appearance"
Barbara turns up and instantly starts telling Vicki what to do. She's all, "Don't worry about the spiky guy," and, "Who's this dude who lies in bed all day?"
This dude is called Bennet, and he lives in the spaceship too. He does indeed never get out of bed, and says he's too poorly and that Vicki has to do everything. Barbara nods understandingly, thinking, "We've got a bloke just like this in our spaceship."
Meanwhile, Doctor Who and Ian are having their own fun adventures. They've found a wall where, if you go past it, Spikes of Death shoot out. It's meant to be a trap, but the spikes come out very slowly, and kind of apologetically.
Ian watches them with mild interest, as if they are a late night repeat of Independence Day. Doctor Who panics for a bit, then pulls the entire wall apart. Eventually the spikes slide off, as if embarrassed for him.
Vicki gets on with her weird life. She may live with one bloke who won't do anything, and know another who occasionally comes round to half heartedly threaten her, but she just kinds of adapts and gets on with the shopping. In many ways this makes her Doctor Who's most believable female character ever.
That thing in the background is her pet monster. It's not established why she has a pet monster, or why it accepts her friendship rather than just eating her. But it seems to work for both of them, and though it looks hideous, I suppose it does have the virtue of not being a lazy feckless bloke who doesn't know how to talk to girls.
Barbara sees that Vicki has a pet. It takes her literally two seconds to decide that the best way to react is to grab a space gun and shoot at it repeatedly, shouting, "Die, evil monster!"
What the hell, Barbara? I could understand Doctor Who doing this - his first reaction to most alien life is to wonder how best to kill it. But you're meant to be the nice one! How would this go down at Tuesday Night Cardigan Wearing Spinster club?
Doctor Who and Ian turn up to find Vicki shaking with rage and grief that Barbara has murdered her pet. Barbara, meanwhile, just shrugs and goes, "What was I meant to do? It looked a bit monstery."
If Vicki is expecting any comfort from Doctor Who, she'll be waiting a while. Doctor Who and Ian just chuckle and start eating her food, and tell Vicki to stop whining.
Doctor Who is saying, "Your pet was weird and deserved to die." Ian finds time between mouthfuls of food to say, "I'm sure you're just overreacting to everything - there's no way two men would behave like that."
Doctor Who wanders off and finds this big old temple, full of smoke and mystery. He might be investigating the strange case of the Spiky Face Guy who turns up to hassle Vicki just before lunch every day. But I reckon not. He didn't seem to be really listening to her story, and it's far more likely he's just trying to sniff out the best place to get a drink.
Spiky Face turns up behind him and does some mysterious creeping. Look out Doctor Who! If you're not careful, he'll engage you in some banal and directionless small talk.
The guy takes off his Spiky Face mask and look - he's Bennet! You remember? Bennet? The guy from earlier who just lay about on a bed all day? No? Well, fair play - he's hardly been Doctor Who's most memorable antagonist, and there's definitely no action figure of him.
Anyway, it turns out can get out of bed, and has in fact been doing it all along - running between rooms and Mrs. Doubtfire-ing his way through the story. To what end? Um, it's not clear. There seems to be no real end game, except to get out of doing cooking and cleaning around the spaceship.
Doctor Who is pulling a face that goes, "Ah, of course, as I suspected." But I don't think that's true, Doctor Who, because that would suggest you understood the basic premise of the story in the first place.
Bennet is about to murder Doctor Who, but luckily these two guys turn up and chase Bennet off a clliff. Well, luckily for Doctor Who, obviously. If the TV show was called 'The Adventures of Bennet' this would mark a point of great crisis and distress.
There is no TV show about Bennet, because it would be about a man who stays in bed all day moaning, and then changes into a mask to do a different kind of moaning on an afternoon. People would have thrown things at the television.
I don't know who the two mysterious guys are who turn up. They don't say anything, and all they seem to care about is murdering Bennet. Maybe they are viewers, who just wandered onto the set? "Your character is dull and your motivation inscrutable. Die!"
The story is over and... well, I guess evil has been defeated. Maybe? Bennet is dead, but I don't know what that changes, except that Vicki no longer has to spend her day waiting hand on foot on a whiny manchild and his stupid faced alter-ego. Meanwhile, one imagines, Ian and Barbara are inside the TARDIS doing high fives, imagining themselves to be the winners in a story called "Doctor Who and Evil Monster Pet Thing".
Doctor Who would like Vicki to come live with them in the TARDIS. Yes, none of them have listened to the slightest word she's said all story, and just laughed at her and told her to stop crying. And yes, she'll have to live with the woman who murdered her pet.
But, on the other hand, they've caused the deaths of everyone else she knows, so what option does she have?
Vicky does decide to join the TARDIS crew. She doesn't look exactly thrilled about it, does she? I guess she's been living one incomprehensible life, on a spaceship where nothing makes sense and no-one listens to her. What's one more?
I'm glad she's joining. She is smart and funny, and has an excellent nose. Welcome to Doctor Who, Vicki. Don't worry - this story has been utterly baffling, but it's not always like this. Sometimes, it's good.
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