for the art
By Jocelyn Royal
By Jocelyn Royal
this is heavy
and i'll be embarrassed in the morning
but for right now it's just me
and the
dark
and the dark doesnt care
i dont do this shit for the art of it yknow
it's just me and my fingers
and these blown out scraps of my heart
and i feel so very
very
alone
im crying now, dripping starlight
there's no reason to cry,
there’s no pain, no monsters, no war
but im just burning up with anguish
im not doing this shit for the art of it
im doing it because i need to write it down
im doing it because i dont deserve any of this
what did i do to deserve this
i think im going to go cry now
and that will make me feel worse
because im not pretty and skinny
no hello nurse
i Love the skin im in
i have to i have to i have to
i wouldnt be able to take the torture
of wanting to be someone else enough to want to
die
i dont want to die
i promise
please dont tell my therapist
promise me
i guess i am doing this shit for the art of it
the art of forcing myself to Love the stupid bitch in the mirror
the art of tricking everyone into thinking they Love me
the art of being
myself
and you know what?
i'll fucking do it again
2:47 AM
Let's see, let's See
Typed in the dark
With shaking, fat fingers
Sloppy yet still... stylish?
no punctuation or
capital letters
I guess I simply was
not in the state.
Why did I start crying twice?
And of course, crying makes it worse, idiot
Why don't you just Shut Your Mouth?
And oh please, hop off that high horse, whore!
Maybe I should keep a pen clenched in my fist
when I
drive
make dinner
buy groceries
eat anything
look at myself in the mirror
sob.
And I'll tell my therapist about it next week
...promise.
About The Author
Jocelyn Royal is a senior at Arcadia University majoring in Biology with a minor in Creative Writing. When they're not working in the lab or around campus, they usually are writing or talking about writing or thinking about writing. They've previously been published in Phantasm and Arcadia's campus lit mag, Quiddity.