for the art

this is heavy

and i'll be embarrassed in the morning

but for right now it's just me 

                      and the 

                          dark

and the dark doesnt care

i dont do this shit for the art of it yknow

it's just me and my fingers 

and these blown out scraps of my heart

and i feel so very

   very

alone

im crying now, dripping starlight

there's no reason to cry,

there’s no pain, no monsters, no war

but im just burning up with anguish

im not doing this shit for the art of it

im doing it because i need to write it down

im doing it because i dont deserve any of this

what did i do to deserve this

i think im going to go cry now

and that will make me feel worse

because im not pretty and skinny

no hello nurse

i Love the skin im in

i have to i have to i have to

i wouldnt be able to take the torture

of wanting to be someone else enough to want to 

                                                 die

i dont want to die

i promise

please dont tell my therapist

promise me

i guess i am doing this shit for the art of it

the art of forcing myself to Love the stupid bitch in the mirror

the art of tricking everyone into thinking they Love me

the art of being

myself

and you know what?

i'll fucking do it again

2:47 AM

Let's see, let's See

Typed in the dark

With shaking, fat fingers

Sloppy yet still... stylish?

no punctuation or

capital letters

I guess I simply was

not in the state.

Why did I start crying twice?

And of course, crying makes it worse, idiot

Why don't you just Shut Your Mouth?

And oh please, hop off that high horse, whore!

Maybe I should keep a pen clenched in my fist 

when I 

drive 

make dinner

buy groceries

eat anything

look at myself in the mirror 

sob.

And I'll tell my therapist about it next week 

 ...promise.

About The Author

Jocelyn Royal is a senior at Arcadia University majoring in Biology with a minor in Creative Writing. When they're not working in the lab or around campus, they usually are writing or talking about writing or thinking about writing. They've previously been published in Phantasm and Arcadia's campus lit mag, Quiddity.