Trump fails to have change of heart after being visited by 3 ghosts

This morning, Donald Trump appeared in a televised address claiming that he was visited by three ghosts while he slept next to his Elon Musk body pillow.

“First, I was visited by the ghost of Epstein. Y’know, he’s a great man, Epstein, one of the greatest businessmen in American history, or world history, even. I mean, just behind me… And, y’know, he said to me, he said to me, “Remember when you were an innocent child.” And that got me excited, of course.” 

He then described how the ghost of Christmas future showed those who speak ill of the President, to which he issued the standard “fingers in ears” protocol. He was also shown the children who will die if he doesn’t change his ways. “And I said to him, I said "Why should I help them? I don’t… I don’t owe them handouts.'”

“And Y’know, by the third ghost, I was already… I wasn’t paying attention. They’re a bunch of woke radical left ghouls, just like sleepy Joe.”