This Manual is intended for anyone who has recently discovered the concept of demisexuality and is trying to find their way in this new aspect of their identity. Please note that this guide is based solely on my personal perspective and does not rely on any scientific foundation. I am not in regular contact with others who identify as demisexual. However, I believe that my own experiences, along with past conversations and reflections, may still offer some helpful insight and support.
First of all, what do demiromantic and demisexual actually mean?
Demiromantic: In this case, romantic feelings cannot arise at first sight but are tied to having established a really deep emotional connection with someone before love can blossom. This means that even after several dates, you will probably not feel a crush or romantic feelings unless you have already turned to each other and confided in each other beforehand.
Demisexual: Sexual attraction to other people always requires a deep emotional connection, which usually has to be built up over a long period of time. As a result, encounters with people do not spontaneously give rise to feelings of lust and desire towards these people. As a result, many spontaneous sexual interactions are devoid of joy and excitement and everyday life is characterised by A-sexuality.
At first glance, it might seem like everything is clear, "Definition understood, end of manual, good luck." But in reality, the day-to-day thoughts and questions often tell a very different story. Even with a clear definition, many people still experience uncertainty or confusion about their own bodies and feelings.
Questions like “This or that happened to me, am I still demisexual?” or “I don't experience this exactly like others, am I demisexual enough?” are common and valid.
With that in mind, I'd like to explore and respond to some of the recurring thoughts and concerns I've encountered over the years, in hopes of offering reassurance and support.
Many people first come across the term demisexuality without ever having felt sexual attraction to anyone. This naturally raises the question: have I simply not met someone who meets the conditions for such a connection, or am I actually a-sexual? This is a sensitive and deeply personal matter and the number of times demisexual people experienced sexual attraction is often very low. It is entirely possible to be demisexual and, even at the age of 25 or older, never have felt sexual attraction.
Labels exist to help us understand ourselves better and to clearly communicate our experiences and needs to others. Therefore, even without prior experience, it is entirely valid for you to choose the label that feels most authentic to you.
One common, and often hurtful, claim that demisexual individuals hear from cisgender heterosexual (cishet) people is that "demisexuality isn’t real" or that "everyone is like that." These statements reflect a troubling lack of self-awareness and empathy, and they can cause genuine pain when encountered.
Allosexual individuals, those who regularly experience sexual attraction, cannot fully understand the lived reality of those on the a-sexual spectrum. However, with empathy and a willingness to listen, it is possible to respect and accept that reality. Unfortunately, this openness is still too often lacking. Demisexuality is not a matter of morality, personal choice, or something that develops later in life. It is an inherent orientation that shapes our experiences of intimacy and attraction.
Such painful invalidation is sadly a common experience, and not limited to demisexuality. Many people who are not allosexual and/or not cisgender face similar challenges.
It is important that we remember that we have a right to live and exist as we are, that we have not only the deviation from the majority but also the commonality inherent in us. Instead of letting rejection and hatred into our hearts, we should move closer together and strengthen each other.
I generally feel lust so I do one or all of these things, is that why I'm not demi?
I watch porn
I masturbate
I do kinky selfplay or have kinky sessions with others
Your lust, your sexual fantasies and needs do not necessarily have anything to do with your sexual attraction to other people and that is only what demisexuality is about. Therefore, even a kinky session in which pleasurable acts such as breath control or bondage are performed on you does not equate to sexual interest in the dom and the desire to become intimate with them.
I've had sex with someone before even though I didn't feel any sexual attraction towards the person, what does that mean for me and will I now be rejected by other demis?
The condition for developing sexual interest in someone is just that. You still have your own will like everyone else and can try or do things you want even if you are not attracted. This is something that also happens more often with A-sexual people because the motivation can be multifaceted.
For many, such interactions seem like a household chore, as if you were just clearing out the dishwasher. Sometimes, however, it can also feel like you have done violence to yourself if the overall situation is not positive enough.
Reasons for such a situation can be, for example
I want to give it a try
My partner is not Ace and I love him very much and want to give him this pleasure
To deepen friendships through this intimacy
So don't worry, nobody is rejecting you, you have done nothing wrong and what you have done or are doing is not wrong or weird.
In my opinion, I have behaved unusually as a Demi, I can already hear the sirens, are the Demi police coming for me now?
No, don't worry, you are you and give yourself the label you feel most comfortable with. If this label is what suits you best to describe yourself and your everyday life, then it's the right one.
Basically, language and a definition are there so that people understand each other and a label that you give yourself that contradicts the definition is of course not helpful. We will be happy to help you if you regularly feel attraction towards other people and give you advice on which label might fit better if you want it. But we won't treat you any worse or pick you up, don't worry.
In my everyday life I often experience moments that are very different from others, is that because I am Demi and in most moments I am Aro and or Ace? Things like:
I feel repulsed by romantic and or sexual things
‘Sex sells’ they say and there seems to be attraction everywhere that others see but not me
Why is everyone laughing now? An aubergine? Was that a sex joke and I didn't get it?
Yes, I suppose so, although the way in which you experience something like that can vary greatly. Sometimes you can learn patterns to determine how something is meant. But in everyday life, sexuality often remains closed to many people and even repels some.
Personally, I can perceive a slightly positive mood in films to the point of puking. Even if all situations are consensual.
I've fallen in love, we have a relationship and I don't feel any sexual attraction towards my partner yet. What do I do now, especially as my partner is attracted to me?
Well, you have different options but as a rule you shouldn't try to force it and stress yourself out. Have a good time together, get to know each other more and more and build a bond.
How long it takes from then on can be very different and there will be partners who want to satisfy this need more urgently than you are able to. In such cases, as bitter as it may be, you will unfortunately be incompatible.
Alternatively, of course, you can also fulfil each other's needs without feeling sexual attraction. But in this example, I think that could cause more problems than it solves.
But what should I expect in terms of time? What can I say when people ask me?
The question about time is often asked, but it is not appreciated. For the sole reason that it feels like someone has turned over an hourglass and is waiting for it to run out instead of understanding that it is about an emotional connection where time is not a relevant factor.
And since time is not a relevant factor, there can be a lot to it. For example:
Just the two of you on a weekend together, talking non-stop and feeling more and more comfortable. Maybe even falling in love with each other.
Months of intensive talking, getting to know each other and talking.
Years of friendship until the attraction develops.
Sometimes a significant moment turns a long-standing friendship into something else.
But often it just never happens with most of the people you let into your life.
I often feel lonely, I also have desires, fantasies, needs that I want to share with someone. But I just don't feel attracted to anyone. Will that last forever?
As a demi, you not only need luck and the opportunity, but also the will on both sides to allow the relationship to change. It's not hopeless, but it is more difficult.
At the beginning of a friendship, allosexual people tend to have certain sexual and/or romantic attractions, whereas with Demis these tend to emerge after years of friendship, after the other person has already put them off the table.
But nothing is set in stone. There are plenty of demis in relationships and/or with a fulfilling sex life.
I have met someone I really like, how do I communicate that I am demisexual and how might the other person react?
Personally, I communicate this very quickly or state it when I have registered on a dating app.
But often acquaintances are made by chance and there is no reason to inform a person with whom you have a primarily friendly or romantic relationship. Therefore, it can only become relevant when having sex together becomes relevant and that's when you should communicate openly and honestly.
Can that be the end of the common needs and hopes? Unfortunately yes, you can assume that many people who have fallen in love or are open to sexual contact can wait for it. But of course many are not all and sometimes the problem is the acute desire, sometimes the uncertainty of when it would be possible and sometimes it is an issue within the relationship that divides you.
But even if it can go like this, in the worst case everything can also go well. There are many options and lots of good and beautiful things, even if it hasn't worked out so far.
I always see how many others help immediately in the Demisexuality subreddit and I can also be found there with questions and suggestions. I hope we can always offer you a warm and cosy atmosphere and help you with all your questions.