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BOB REVIEWS FARM BOY
BOB REVIEWS FARM BOY
A few weeks ago, The Bob went to their local Farm Boy, located in College Park, and whaooaooa it was wild. The last time I went to the grocery store it was 1989, and I was with my dad, Burt. For those of you who don't know him, Burt was a tall, built man, with the face of a Greek god. When we used to walk through grocery stores in the city where I grew up, women and men would flock to him upon the sight of his mustache.
Strolling down the aisles with him, I felt invincible. Nothing could touch me-- not with my father by my side, not with the golden gaze of the Farm Boy animatronic monkey watching over us.
Until tragedy struck. I accidentally spilled the pre-packaged soup all over the middle of aisle 7. The employee standing there tried to call someone for to clean it up. I remember the feeling of fear running down my spine like a warm trickle of pee down my leg-- a familiar sensation-- only to look up at my father. My father, incredibly tall, with the bone structure of Adonis and the eyes of Ronald Reagan. I watched as Burt reached for his pocket, prematurely wincing as I expected him to enact the worse thing I could possibly imagine: the removing of the portrait I had drawn for him in my 2nd grade class from his chained wallet, and tearing it into tiny bits. But what appeared in Burt's hand was beyond my wildest imagination.
My dad handed me a spoon. And as I took it, I watched as he gathered another spoon in his massive hands. Then, my father, the only man I've ever loved, got to his knees and brought the spoon to the soup.
Spill in aisle 7, no longer.
whaooaoa anyway what about this pizza and omelette mix huhhhhhhh wooooah
AN INTERVIEW WITH MODERN ARTIST WANKSY
AN INTERVIEW WITH MODERN ARTIST WANKSY
The Bob (2020) sits down with the hippest, sexiest and wokest new anonymous artist on the scene: Wanksy. Wanksy is known for their impactful art installations, providing a commentary on our current global state in a fresh and innovative way. Here, we ask them about their newest installation: Cheese Knife (2020).
[Editor's note: To respect Wanksy's wish to stay anonymous, we have accented all of Wanksy's answers to protect their identity.]
Can you tell us about your latest piece?
Ayyyy I mean whatcanItellya 'bout this new piece dawwwg it's a cheese knife, it's a knife for cheese and a cheese cuttin' knife.
Cheese Knife (2020), detail
I mean like, all your pieces have a deeper message behind them. Can you tell us more about this one? What inspired you?
Hey maaaan... y'knoooow what I always like to say dude, and it makes more and more sense, the medium is tha message! Ahaha, nahh, really I was just tryna make somethin' I really thought could reflect the tiiiimes, dude, it's like my good ol' pal flippin' British lad Harry Styles strapping young dude used to always say, is the sign'a the times baby!
Whoa.
I know, man.
I mean, I never really thought about it like that. That's so interesting, and really profound.
I knowwwww dude, really wanted to make somethin' that explained the current things we're going through in the world, man, like this is some crazy wild stuff we're gettin' up to???
Cheese Knife (2020) mixed media
I'd love to know more about your process. Could you tell me about it?
Well like I was going through some stuff like some real BRUTAL stuff, just straight-up gut-wrenching, and like I won't get into it but basically my freakin' girlfriend just said she couldn't take my attitude anymore, and I was like tweakin' out man like whaaaat she had me so wacked out but yeah she like took the gerbil and left?!? So all I gots left in the apartment was like the stuff in the fridge'n she'd left her stupid freakin' block of gouda and I thought, I'll show her, and I cut into that gouda but oh my goddd it was so good. The knife's there cause I keep using it to cut into the gouda so I can have some every night before I cry myself to sleep in my bed cause it's so lonely. Basically it's a really deep intense process cause creating and making art's like my jam, dude. I'm a great artist and my mind is just this really dark and messed up place to live in. Like, honestly bro my thoughts are soooooo fucked up it's not even funny. That's why I think all my pieces are so deep, cuz I wanna reflect the way I perceive the current state of society, and my mind is just soooooo dark.
That's bold, and intense. What do you think aspiring young artists should take from that, and you?
Liiiiike if you wanna be an artist it's definitely a full-time job like don't even ever think about working another job cuz that's crazy, if you're not willing to like suffer shit hard for the art then are you even a good artist bro?? Like speaking of oh my god my phone is ringing, hold up [checks it] oh fuck it's my freakin' ex-girlfriend??? Vanessa??
Our interview with Wanksy concluded after this, as they began to wept inconsolably after picking up the phone, and then proceeded to spend the rest of their time with us vomiting violently into the trash bin in our conference room.
Tickets to see Wanksy's Cheese Knife (2020) are currently on sale, available at this link.
I Drank An Entire Bottle of Girl's Night Out Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Naturally Flavoured Wine Beverage -- So You Don't Have To!
I Drank An Entire Bottle of Girl's Night Out Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Naturally Flavoured Wine Beverage -- So You Don't Have To!
This wine sucks shit.
HOT SONG ALERT! - RE$PECT WOMEN
HOT SONG ALERT! - RE$PECT WOMEN
Hi folks it is ya boooooiiii xXNEWRAPGODXx I'm back from my long hiatus (my mom took my phone after she saw my last track :/)
Anyway thank you for suppoting
lyrics below
YO I'M A SOUNDCLOUD RAPPER AND THIS BEAT IS SICK
GONNA RAP ABOUT THE SIX WITH THIS BIG ASS WICK
BET YOU THOUGHT THAT I WAS GONNA SAY DICK, NO SIR
I'M COLDER THAN THAT ONE GUY IN HAMILTON (BURR)
CAUSE I RESPECT WOMEN, LIKE YAS QUEEN SLAY
WHO NEEDS KATE UPTON WHEN YOU HAVE ADDISON RAE
I PAINT MY NAILS ‘CAUSE I’M NOT LIKE THE OTHERS
AGE IS JUST A NUMBER, ASK YOUR MOTHER
SHE SAYS I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT
MY FLOW TRANSCENDS; IMMANUEL KANT
i sound like drake? BITCH FUCK OFF
I KNOW YOU’RE JUST TRYNA HOP ON THIS FAT ASS COCK
sorry i didn’t mean to diss all women
EXCEPT THAT I DID CAUSE I HATE WOMEN
just kidding, i don’t hate women
weren’t you listening to the song? i respect women
i do women things, i watch kate mckinnon
anyway this is the part in the song where i feature my childhood best friend singing in autotune to prove to you that i don’t hate women
[weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee resepect womeeeeeeeeen <3
weeeeeeeeeeeeeee respect womeeeeeeeeeen <3 ]
YUH… i’ve seen the handmaid’s tale
[heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’s not like the other meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen <3]
my rapping idol is eminem
[heeeeeeeeeeee’s not like the other meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen <3]
cause.. .yknow, he's woke… and i like that part about his mom's spaghetti
SO YOU KNOW THAT I'M WOKE
CAUSE INSTEAD OF SAYING DUDES, I SAY FOLK
I DON'T WANT A HEATHER, I'M NOT CONAN GRAY
IF I TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE PRETTY YOU SHOULD SAY "NO WAY"
BUT I RESPECT WOMEN AND THAT'S THE FACTS
UNLESS YOU'RE STUPID OR UGLY OR FAT
ANYWAY THAT'S THE END OF MY SONG
I DON'T WASH MY HANDS AFTER I TOUCH MY DONG
Matt Damon Tried to Kill Me
Matt Damon Tried to Kill Me
So, a few months ago I was helping my friends move into their new apartment in West Hollywood. It was a long day of work, and at the end of it, we all decided we would go to the local bar and have a few drinks; celebration, to take the edge off. I can't say I knew that something was going to happen, but looking back on this moment I wouldn't have gone. The night felt... odd. But I ignored my instincts.
As we arrived at the bar at around 10:23pm, the mood was still light. It was pretty empty for a Tuesday night, and most of the regular evening crowd still hadn't arrived... but neither had he.
I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, or the exhaustion. But the moment he stepped into the bar, we locked eyes, and I knew. I don't know if he recognized me. I don't care. But seeing me there lit a fire in his eyes. He called to me. There was a rage in his snarl. He hated me, and he was planning to do something about it. The liquor in the back of my throat suddenly lifted from my system and I was posed and ready to fight then.
He had training that far passed mine-- working on the Great Wall movie-- but I moved fast. When he hit me in the chest, I managed to land another punch to his spine. My legs shook with anticipation. I watched Matt Damon fall to his knees. Quickly I formulated my next move. Matt turned up to look at me, expecting a fist--
--only to receive an open palm. My open palm. My open palm, a few inches from Matt Damon's face. A handshake. Because I knew this was the only way our feud could end. I had extended him an olive branch, hoping he would take it. Matt looked up at me with those Hollywood star eyes, and for a moment, all was silent in the world. All I saw after that, before I even knew what was happening, was the glint of the blade, then the cut on my hand. When I looked away from the blood, Matt Damon was already gone.
It felt like an eternity as I fell. I fell, fell, fell, until I landed on a cloud. A cloud of hands. The hands of spectators. They held me upright, kept me standing. They offered me food, and drink. They saw me as their hero. They did not realize I hadn't fallen from fatigue. I had fallen, because I knew... the fighting would never end. And I knew, that Matt Damon was still out there, waiting for me, and he wanted me dead.
This image does not contain Matt Damon.
This image also does not contain Matt Damon.
AM RADIO (sans radio fuzz).mp3- AM RADIO, give it a listen!!!
hot new game ALERT!
hot new game ALERT!
From the creative team behind the 2019 award-winning game, A PLOWING ON LOVE STREET: AN R.L. STINE ROMANCE SIMULATOR--
VACUUM SALESMAN is a game where YOU play as the titular character: trying to sell vacuums to all sorts of wacky characters.
"THIS GAME SUCKS (LITERALLY)!"
"THIS GAME SUCKS (LITERALLY)!"
-IGN
-IGN
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