The Shivah PORTABLE Download

Only the so-called seven relations listed above (mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, and spouse) are required to observe the laws of shivah, but, at least within the Conservative movement, it is generally accepted that adopted children too should sit shivah for their adoptive parents.

The norm today is for such an individual to arrange a funeral for a deceased non-Jewish parent that adheres to the religious traditions the deceased maintained in their lifetime and then, after burial, to observe the normal practices of shivah as one normally would for a Jewish parent.

The Shivah Download

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The decision on the part of some moderns to return to work after only three days of shivah should be countenanced only in cases of extreme financial hardship, and even then the work permitted should be done as privately and modestly as possible (Shulchan Arukh, Yoreh Deah 380:2).

It is customary to light a seven-day candle and to let it burn throughout the shivah week. In the case of a shivah week cut short by a festival, the candle should be allowed to burn for the full seven days.

If the death occurs on one of the days of Rosh Hashanah, Passover, Shavuot, or Sukkot, or on Yom Kippur or one of the intermediary days of Passover or Sukkot, shivah is not begun until after the festival ends even if the burial itself has already taken place (Shulchan Arukh, Yoreh Deah 399:2).

None of this can take place if the mourner is preoccupied with worldly affairs. As mentioned above, mourners should not go to work during shivah unless severe economic loss will result. If one must go to work, one should resume sitting shivah upon returning home.

If such a wedding takes place during what would normally be the shivah week, the couple may consummate their marriage, but they must then separate until the end of the shivah week (Shulchan Arukh, Yoreh Deah 383:2).

Rabbi Amy Eilberg, in a dissenting response, rejected the notion that a couple that has suffered a miscarriage should be treated as though they were ill and instead suggested that the rituals of mourning be modified and applied to help them through their grief, and she included among those rituals the tearing of a garment, the serving of a formal meal of consolation, the observance of a day of sitting shivah, and the recitation of Kaddish for 30 days.

Then, there I was, on the low couch. The shivah house was packed during the first three days in our hometown of Vancouver. There was a lineup of people snaking down the block to get in. Teachers, neighbors, colleagues, old friends of my sister, all vied for the chance to share anecdotes and memories of Dani.

Dad and I sat together, trying to encapsulate the essence of my sister, his daughter; desperate to share with those who had not met Dani how incredible she was. It was a difficult but healing journey, buoyed by the warmth and support of our wonderful community. When it was over and I put on fresh clothes, I wandered to a lush, green park to think and write, inspired by the shivah, and even the journey of her illness, to connect to Hashem. I wrote about my gratitude at being gifted the joy of a sister for 28 years.

The general principle in counting the days of shivah is that a part of a day counts as the whole day. Thus, one counts the remainder of the day of burial as the first day and it is normal only to observe the laws of shivah briefly on the seventh day.

The shivah period begins immediately after the interment. If a festival falls during the shivah period, shivah is terminated before the holiday and not resumed afterward (SA Yoreh Deiah 399:1).

Shivah should be observed in the home of the deceased or the home of the mourner. Although there is value to sitting together as a family, shivah may also be observed in separate homes. During the shivah week, mourners remain at home and should not leave the house except for emergencies or to attend religious services. In many communities, daily services are held in the house of mourning precisely so that the mourners do not have to leave. If a minyan cannot be arranged for the house of mourning, the mourner may then go to the synagogue to say Kaddish, but must then immediately return to the house of mourning. The week of mourning is a time for quiet reflection, for remembering, and for beginning to work through grief. None of this can take place if the mourner is preoccupied with worldly affairs. Mourners should not go to work during shivah unless severe economic loss will result. If one must go to work, one should resume sitting shivah upon returning home.

It is customary to light a seven-day candle in the house of mourning. This candle should be allowed to burn itself out, even if that means that it continues to burn after the formal observance of shivah concludes. If there is more than one house of mourning, a candle should be lit in each house. If one does not have a seven-day candle, individual yahrtzeit candles may be lit daily during the mourning week. No blessing is recited when the shivah candle is lit.

I have been thinking about this for quite a while. My husband passed away almost 12 years ago. Since then I am remarried. My husband was a young man when he died. I still keep in touch with my father-in-law, who is quite ill at this time. My brother-in-law died unexpectedly six months before my husband. My mother-in-law died about five years later. When his time comes to leave this earth, he has no children or siblings or spouse who would otherwise sit shivah for him.

My question is this: I have two kids who are married, his grandchildren, and then there is my niece who is also married. How do you have remembrance for someone who has meant so much but for whom you cannot sit shivah? This is the last part of my children's link to their Dad. I am hoping you can give me some advice so that when the time comes, I don't have to go scrambling to decide how to handle this.

On the other hand, Jewish tradition specifically limits those for whom we become official avelim or mourners. This is a very wise move on the part of Jewish tradition for were it not for this stipulation, there would be no clear boundaries as to who must mourn, and for how long, and in what way, etc. Grandchildren do not become mourners, nieces and nephews do not become mourners, cousins do not become mourners, really close friends do not become mourners, and in-laws of any type do not become mourners. This is not to say that they do not become sad or distraught with a loss, but it is to say that they do not sit shivah, refrain from entertainment, or say kaddish for 11 months. The truth of the matter is that some of us die leaving no one behind who would sit shivah.

When the time comes, you will arrange a farewell for your father-in-law that is beautiful and dignified. I would imagine a gathering of family and friends following the cemetery in which he is remembered fondly, and anything beyond that, is purely voluntary. No shivah is necessary.

It is a mitzvah (sacred duty) to visit a person during shivah. However, it is not like a regular social visit. The rules of shivah are set to provide the best support for the bereaved, and to help us in what is for some a challenging mitzvah.

1. Visit only at times when you are welcome. If the bereaved is part of your synagogue community, hours of shivah may be available from the temple office. Alternatively they may be put on a sign on the door of the house. They will certainly be announced at the end of the funeral.

2. Be helpful. Bring prepared food to the shivah house, if you are able, but do not bring dishes that will have to be returned to you. If you visit the shivah house and see something that needs to be done (welcoming guests, simple cleaning, work in the kitchen) it is very helpful to do so. A mourner is not a host, and should not be expected to entertain in any way.

Funerals seem ever harder to get to in a high-pressure, commuterized wayof life. But the social repression of grief goes against the experienceof the human race. Mourning is one of the traditional "rites ofpassage" through which families and tribes can rid themselves of theirdead and return to normal living. Negro funeral parades, Greek klama(ritual weeping), Irish wakeseach in their own way fulfill thisfunction. Orthodox Jewish families are supposed to "sit shivah"; forseven days after the burial they stay home, wearing some symbol of a"shredded garment," such as a piece of torn cloth, and keeping anunkempt appearance. Friends bring food as a symbol of the inability ofthe bereaved to concern themselves with practical affairs. For elevenmonths sons are enjoined to say the prayers for the dead in thesynagogue twice a day. e24fc04721