For Keeps

I adjusted my camera strap. I claim it’s for memory’s sake, and it is! Just not my own memories. 

“Everyone get in!”

I grin and snap the picture as if I’m part of it. When I lower my camera, lively chatter fills my friends’ living room. The lamp casts a soft light onto everyone on the sofa, illuminating every expression. An entire moment I watch from the sidelines. I focus on the photo: crooked smiles, overlapping arms, a cheeky hand forming bunny ears behind someone's head. 

“Lemme see, Sienna!” My friend calls.  Everyone crowds us as I scroll.

“I like that one!”

“I look strange…”

“Oh please, you look fine. I’m posting and tagging everyone! Send me all of them, Sienna”

“Sure,” I murmured.

Later, a strange feeling settled in my gut as I flipped through the photos. Hardly any pictures include me. I capture everyone's memories, and I enjoy it, truly.  

My phone buzzes and I look glad to have the distraction. My friends posted the pictures.

“Thanks fav photographer!”

“Best photographer!”

My god! With those captions you might think of me as a hired professional photographer rather than someone who was just there.

I walk up to my room and open my albums. The pattern becomes apparent, I’m only in the selfies (taken by me!). My eyes sting, and I hate it, for this shouldn’t matter at all. When I showed my mom my 8th grade album, she shook her head and said, “Oh my dear Sienna, always capturing everyone but yourself” And only now do I realize how very right she is. Always the capturer. Never captured. Always recording the moment. Never part of it. All I wish for is someone to pull the camera away from my face and insist     I be in front of it. To want me in the moment, to want it for keeps. For one day, these photographs will be the only record of us. But I barely have any to show. 

My mom pushes me out of the house with my friends. This time, there was someone new, Adrien. He was sitting alone on the couch, brown eyes downcast, hair falling over his forehead like he wanted to take up as little space as he could. And, well, so was I. 

I introduced myself.

“So, what’re your hobbies, Adrien?”

“Photography, I guess. You?”

“Me too, sometimes”

“Sometimes?”

“Yeah”

“Hm.” He pauses, “I don’t really like it. I just force myself to do it. I'm scared not holding onto moments will hurt more…even if it isn’t yours. Like, it’s your picture, but not really YOURS”

I looked at him with more shock than I cared to admit. He’s right, completely so, and I envy him for seeing it with such clarity.

“Yea. Guess you’re right. Not really ours to keep”

He grins and grabs my camera and a flash blinded me. My camera flash. My eyes adjusted, and I was met with his grin. 

“Sorry, your face…I needed that for keeps”