There’s No Way ALL of You are Polyamorous.

Polyamory can be such a beautiful thing. Some people really just have so much love in their hearts that it bleeds beyond just one person. Polyamorous relationship structures are vast, and require a lot of communication, boundaries, and understanding of oneself to uphold in a healthy way. Some people hold the strength to do that, and they are very happy in their love lives. This article is not about those people.

     This article is about you. You know who you are. The person who’s crush is already dating someone, so you find yourself hoping they’re polyamorous just so you can have a piece of that too. The person who is thinking about asking your partner to open the relationship, yet gets upset at the thought of them loving someone else. The person who likes two different people and thinks the simple solution is to just date both. This is about you.

     I come from a place of understanding, I’ve been in your shoes. To this day, I fantasize about having a harem of gorgeous people that are all hopelessly in love with me. It’s a beautiful idea, and one I think many have dreamed about from time to time. After being exposed to the seemingly rich polyamorous culture at Evergreen, I even began to think maybe this dream was possible for me. However, the truth is that having a harem is a logistical nightmare. After asking myself some important questions, I came to the conclusion that my beautiful harem is something that could not– and should not–be realized. I’m not built for polyamory, and if something I listed above sounds like you, then there’s a fair chance that you’re not built for it either. Allow me to guide you through some self-reflection.

1. Are you really capable of romantically loving more than one person? Can you love more than one person equally? This is step one. Picture the throuple, polycule, or harem you’ve been thinking about. Sure you could love your crush that’s taken, but could you also love their current partner? Maybe you could learn to love them over time, but is it really ethical to join someone's relationship at a time when you’re only interested in one of them? Some people are okay with this dynamic, but it also opens the door for potential jealousy and all sorts of drama pertaining to an unequal division of attention. It's incredibly important to consider the actual relationship dynamics, not just attraction. 

2. Are you gonna be okay with your partner loving someone else? So you’ve decided you are perfectly capable of loving more than one person. Frankly, that’s the easy part. This is where it begins to get complicated. Imagine finally convincing your partner to open the relationship, or finding out your crush really is polyamorous, and you get invited into their relationship. How are you gonna feel when they still wanna spend alone time with their first partner? Or how will you feel when your partner finds someone they’re interested in? There are many horror stories online of people who opened their relationships or became a throuple/polycule due to being attracted to other people, only to quickly discover that they actually were not okay with their partner being with other people. This is what puts the “ethical” in “ethical non-monogamy.” You must be capable of respecting the autonomy of your partner(s) or else you’re already doomed. Of course, for some people things work out, and it actually makes their relationship even better! However, if you find yourself jealous or hurt at the thought of sharing your partner with someone else, then polyamory is almost certainly not for you, at least not right now.

3. Are you a strong communicator? Do you have the capacity to manage multiple romantic relationships? Okay, so you can love more than one person, and you’re perfectly okay with your partner(s) loving more than one person as well. In this case, perhaps you are truly polyamorous in your heart. In this case, I now encourage you to look critically at yourself. You have all this love in your heart, but are you actually ready for a relationship, especially one as complex as a polycule can be? Nobody’s perfect, and many people end up in relationships when maybe they technically shouldn’t, and this isn’t always a horrible thing. I mean, if we really all waited until we were 100% perfect and ready for a relationship, then nobody would ever date! However, if you’re reading this, before you is an incredible opportunity to do some introspection. Look within yourself right now. Do you have the capacity to support multiple partners? Are you able to communicate with others in a respectful, and productive way? Can you handle criticism, or confrontation in a receptive way? Do you truly respect people’s boundaries? What are your needs, and how might having multiple unique partners interfere with them? If any of these things seem difficult for you right now, maybe hold off and work on yourself before working on your dream polycule.

I hope this helped you gain some important insight on yourself, polygamy idealist. If your answer was no to any of these above questions, then polyamory probably isn’t for you. I know, I know, “But I really wanna date multiple people!” and “But I’d be open to anything if it means being with my crush!” etcetera, etcetera. I’m telling you it's more complicated than that. I urge you to heed my warnings, and come to terms with your truth. To the polyamorous greeners who read through to the end of this already knowing your truth, I thank you for your time. If you wanna compensate me for my efforts and your enjoyment, drop some cash on the bench by the COM Building. I’ll find it. If you have any complaints about my article, then I was wrong and I’m sorry. Happy Pride.