you told me to sit down;

so i did

self loathing every second of it

every minute goes by

and I think to myself what is this

waiting for your approval

but i’m desperate to get out of it

you told me you needed me

i’m always here when you need me

but when i need you you’re never around

always telling me to cross my legs

and be a lady

most of the time i’m stuck

questioning my identity

questioning my relationship with you

it feels as if it’s not us, only me

wishing away at the thought of my future

everyone tells me it’s something to hope for

i need a future separate from you

my own identity

not attached to you

i hate myself for loving you

it’s always been you and me

never me and you

i want your attention

want to feel close to you

bending over backwards just to please you

never pleasing me

i always need your approval

i don’t know why i need it, but I do

stop telling me to smile

why would i smile when

you make me feel like shit

my body is aching trying to get out this

if you ever think to leave me

do it gently

although you cause me pain

the grief will be never ending

i’m trying to find the beauty in me

eyelids heavy from the lack of sleep

thoughts running from anxiety

i feel separated in my own body

it feels like you’re always watching

everywhere i go it’s eyes on me

never looking away

i used to think it was charming

but it’s sickening

i’m sick of looking into your eyes

the constant contact makes me realize

you think i’m an attachment to you

i’m not an attachment

just blew through a red light

your road rage scares me

always angry

never at peace

i hate that about you

it makes me want to leave

if we lived in a utopia

things would be different

you and me but you’re a lovely person

you have bad morals too

i don’t understand why

i feel so attached to you

it feels like we’re going back to square one

one day you love me

the next day you want me gone

i’m not sure i even love you

i feel like i can’t leave you

i could never be the bad one

the pain you cause me

i could never inflict that

not on you

not on anyone

every other word i say is sorry

i want to leave you

i have no one else

no one to turn to

no hope right now

not turning back

only looking forward

scared to be alone

but i’d rather be alone

than be attached to you

planting my feet on the ground

you’re not looking anymore because you’re not around

i’ve separated myself from you

not going back not for me and not for you

finally feeling pleasure on my own

not being forced to sit and moan

joy in my body

my body is my own

final thoughts to wrap this up

i have found myself and who i love

coming to terms with all the abuse

never turning back for you

i’ve done it once not doing it again

writing this, not in thought of us

In Thought of You