Sporkism

This is The Pope in Plaid's Guide to Sporkism. Enlighten your brain by reading the requirements to practice the best and totally real religion. Your mind will flourish with astonishing knowledge and your brain will explode with the awesomeness of the Spork.

When practicing the art of Sporkism, you must at all times use a Spork. When the opportunity arises to use a utensil other than the Spork, one must refuse the offer. Sporks are superior to all other utensils, and therefore shall be treated as such. It is of even greater offense if the said spoon, fork, etc, offered to you is of lesser material. One must never use a utensil that is not forged from the shiniest gold found at the Bottomless Pit of Pitying Doom. If a metal utensil is offered it is acceptable to laugh at said utensil. Sporks must meet an eight-inch length minimum, and the head of the Spork must have a radius minimum of three. The prongs of the Spork must be sharpened for ultimate stab-and-scoop factor. Go see Geronimo the Spork Sharpener at 1112444 Sharp and Shiny Street to have your Spork polished and sharpened to be up to par.

Every third day of the month, you must travel to Dinnerspork Church to praise the one and only Holy Spork. To reach Dinnerspork Church, you must climb the DinnerSpork Mountain and sing the password to the Spork Keeper in order to get inside. Once inside, a group singing circle will sing "The Holy Spork" prompty at 4:32 PM. One must memorize the lyrics to "The Holy Spork" upon arriving at Dinnerspork Church. Failing to do so will result in painful ridicule.

When joining the wonderful, amazing, perfect religion of Sporkism, one is required to try out the Sporks for a week, just to be sure. If you happen to change your mind, you will be laughed at and your Sporks must be turned in to the Spork Keeper. However, if you enjoy Sporkism like the rest of us- it shall speak to your soul and mind; it will fill every empty void in your heart; the Spork will emit eternal happiness and you shall be welcomed into the loving religion of Sporkism. The only requirement of our super cool religion is that one must only use the Spork as a utensil for each and every meal, snack, and midnight nibble. The Spork requirements are listed in the second paragraph. Thank you, and remember, we must all praise the Holy Spork.