HARBIN LETTERS
HARBIN LETTERS
by Roberto P. Lim Jr.| Published December 2021
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Somewhere deep in the northeastern fortress lies my heart, left freezing yet warm. I have found a home in this harsh domain.
Cartoon by Kirsten Chloe Lim (12C-STEM)
Wars and revolutions, blizzards and storms throughout time have fortified it, just as they fortify the souls of those who reside in its borders.
The icy dragon that runs through the heart of the fortress is a magnificence. Frozen for most of its lifetime, its molten form becomes an enigma for the outsider. I remember you promised to take me there next time.
The beaming lights throughout the city mimic the auroras; they could never compare to a thousand flights of fancies. Red can be as passionate as it is violent, blue can be just as comforting as it is as gloomy, green can be as magical as it is frightening, yellow can be as shimmering as it is blinding, and white can be as hopeful as it is hopeless. But these could never compare to your colors: shades of liberosis, tints of euphoria, gradiances of optimism.
The thousand-step avenue remains bustling as it will ever be. It has been the witness to countless confluences and convergences, including ours, one that I may call inevitable.
My love for this northeastern fortress compelled me to leave my heart in it, indefinitely if not for good. I set my heart in its cold and familiar corners, together with those that have recognized it for all its stay and more. But sadly, I had to leave.
Somewhere deep in the northeastern fortress lies my heart left frozen yet warm, but I never intend to get it back. Once I return, I intend to be one again with my heart so I could love completely and with promise.
Until then.
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My eyes sparkle, my mind raises. I recall my first time seeing snow, the first time I saw you.
There are nights when I believe that it might actually be, but am reminded that it wasn’t. I feel like I am in a dream that I never wish to wake up from. Being with you despite being in the harsh subzero transformed pursuits of survival into forecasts of prosperity. Sharing thoughts, worries, and brighter sides for tomorrow as if our younger selves longed for the coming of our encounter. Expressing hope as if both our roads led to the icy pavements of Zhongyang Street. Expressing well wishes that our tomorrows could still have us in them. Every second with you was a radiance of warmth that I wish to feel eternally since then.
Fate suggests that you are a crossroad. But to me, you're the ultimate destination, the place to be. With you, life seems to be away from its ambiguities, anxieties. Everything just seems to fall into place.
We rocked sleds as if tomorrow never existed, as if we were too eager to arrive at tomorrow together, as if the white-gray snow, the muted sky, the starless night blurred the line between yesterday and tomorrow. We stared at the ice sculptures wishing that it was our moment together that was frozen. We walked along Zhongyang longing that the pathway never ended. We drank until we were intoxicated with each other’s company. We felt until we only had one another’s hands to touch.
Ultimately, you promised to take me as near as possible to Songhua while I was there. But it wasn’t possible, so you said you’d take me there in a future summer instead.
Cameras do not just capture moments, they provide the golden promise that tomorrow can replicate what has been depicted. While cameras captured the very aspirations that dwell in our daydreams, you have captured my heart. So I decided to leave it with you, there in that icy northeastern fortress as I tread forward into the vastness of the heat away from your soothing coldness, your comforting freeze.
I wonder where your heart is? But I am certain that if it had been with me, it would be as warm as it should be, as warm as my heart while you keep it.
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Cartoon by Kirsten Chloe Lim (12C-STEM)
Being away from the cold never felt so harsh, so empty, so cold.
The cold I seek can only be found in the northeastern fortress, where you keep my heart at bay, waiting for me to get back. But having to leave you, my heart, and the fortress behind, this might be the serendipitous grace my being desires.
Perhaps we are fated for an unknown, an untraversed, and an unimaginable future–one that is worth pursuing.
Should this be Nature's greatest intention to get my soul by your side once again, I would abandon a thousand suns just to be with the cold once more, even if I have to over and over.
I remain undeterred in arriving at the day I will see you again. My heart has been staying with you since the day we first met. Despite the harshness of the cold, my heart beats still, empowering my core, and freezing the rest of what holds me back.
But for now, please take care of my heart as I long for you.
I promise, I will be back.
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