from: me
to: friends & loved ones
sent: early twntytwnty

***

hello there--

it's me, ryan. i'm writing because 1. i want to say hey, and 2. i have some existential questions for you. but first, some context:

i am currently in a multi-year, inter-belief, romantic relationship. in other words, it's not just that my partner and i practice different faiths (like in an interfaith relationship), but i don't have any defined faith and she does. this has been a consistent point of return in our relationship that at times has been tense, and has also provided precious room for independent as well as shared self-reflection. the point is, as someone who did not grow up with a clearly defined faith or spiritual practice in my home (my parents didn't, and still don't, share a faith), i have found myself thinking about faith/religion/spirituality/belief more in the last ~2.16 years than ever before in my life. well, it turns out my thoughts aren't as clear as i'd imagined they would be, and i frequently find myself caught in twirling, between-the-ears circles that leave me sort of dizzy (but not necessarily in a bad way).

anyway, this is where you come in. i want to be in conversation about these "big questions" with people in my life whom i love and trust (that's you!). i've decided to work on a writing project called "space rock" (tentative title). for now, my idea is to pose a series of questions (listed below) to several people in my life and then use the responses as a source-text for my own writing. i'll be borrowing, splicing, rearranging, interpolating, modifying, and adding to the things you send me. in other words, i will be the only one to read/listen to/watch/etc. your responses, and their inclusion in whatever form of "space rock" I share will not be associated with your name, etc. i'll probably just have a general "thank you" acknowledging your participation in the process. if any of that changes, i will be in touch with you personally to make sure you feel comfortable. of course, if you have any questions about all this, please let me know!

enough fluff. below i have listed a few things i'd like to ask you. feel free to respond to each question, only one/some of the questions, parts of the questions, or other questions that you'd rather answer. respond in whatever way (or combination of ways) feels best to you. some examples might include: writing me an email, sending me a voice recording so your hand doesn't get tired, making a collage (i live with my parents right now, and their address is BLAH BLAH BLAH I DON'T NEED THIS ON THE INTERWEBS BUT IT WAS INCLUDED IN THE ORIGINAL EMAIL), putting together a playlist, sharing a powerpoint/slideshow, sending me a meme, etc. whatever you want. it's your call. here are the questions:

-do you believe in god(s) or some(thing)(one) adjacent to god(s)?

-what do(es) god(s) mean to you?

-what does "belief" mean to you?

-what is the relationship between certainty and belief in your life (right now)?

-if you do believe in god(s), what (if anything) would make you not believe? if you don't, what (if anything) would make you believe? if you sort-of/maybe/kind-of believe, what (if anything) would make you more/less/differently certain?

-how do(es) (do you imagine that) god(s) feel? look? sound? smell? taste?

-if you do (or sort-of) believe in god(s), when do(es) god(s) feel most present? most distant? is there a certain time of day or season when you feel most spiritually rooted/grounded/in-tune?

-if you don't believe in god(s), do you (have you) interact(ed) with people in (a) moment(s) when they are in direct communication with their god(s)? what is/was that experience like for you? do you (have you) talk(ed) about it with that other person/those other people?

-has your understanding of/relationship with god(s) changed over the course of your life? when? how do you understand the cause and impact of that change/those changes?

-do you pray? if so, physically what does that mean for you? do you pray aloud/silently/quietly? do you pray alone/in community/with certain people? when/where do you do it? what does/can it feel like? how do you know when to stop? if you don't pray, do you do anything that feels adjacent to prayer?

-how did you learn to pray (or not pray) the way you do (or don't)?

-how would you map/chart your (chosen) family members' beliefs in relation to each other and to you? how do you know what your (chosen) family members believe? have you witnessed any changes in their belief(s)?

-how has(n't) faith/religion/spirituality/belief been a point of connection/fracture/texture within your (chosen) family?

-how was faith/religion/spirituality/belief presented to you when you were growing up?

-what about your faith/religion/spirituality/belief has been shed/maintained/strengthened/altered as you've grown?

-if you have children, how have you presented faith/religion/spirituality/belief to them? if you don't have kids (but plan to), how do you imagine that you will present faith/religion/spirituality/belief to them?

-how has(n't) faith/religion/spirituality/belief been a point of connection/fracture/texture in the context of romantic partnership(s)? friendship(s)? professional relationship(s)?

-how does(n't) faith/religion/spirituality/belief intersect with your relationship to your sexuality(ies)? your gender(s) (expression[s])? your racial(ized) identity(ies)?

-how does faith/religion/spirituality/belief play into your understanding/experience of fear? joy? beauty? purpose? mor(t)ality? justice? reconciliation? love?

-if i made you a shirt to wear when you went out so people would know exactly what the heck you think of being on this space rock, what would it say?

-also souls...do you believe in them? say more.

ok, that's it for now. please know that there is no pressure to respond. even just putting this list of questions together and reaching out to you has been helpful/healing for me.

wishing you smooth sailing in these wild and stormy seas--be well, and please let me know if there's anything you need from me :)

BIGLOVE,

ryan

p.s. i once lived for several months in a former seminary on the top of a hill in a town named for a fruit. i very much enjoyed my time there. here's a picture of my room.