do you believe in god(s)?

no. I don’t. in the past few years I’ve felt a move toward believing in something adjacent maybe that has to do with some source for meaning/connection. in other words, we show up on earth, move around the sun for a bit, die, and dissolve back into atoms. through this lens, it would be easy to say, what the hell’s the point? but I don’t feel nihilistic. I feel strongly that there is “a point.” or rather, I feel that what happens when we believe that there’s a point is a good thing. almost as though belief in meaning generates/allows for meaning. and yet, I somehow bristle at the idea of “god”. maybe because, growing up, the god I was presented, and therefore thought of, was bearded, white, male, dressed in flowing robes or mysterious sun beams, knew everyone’s thoughts, was everywhere, had a son who was also him, executed divine judgment, and cared deeply about our actions. when I was young, I can remember going to Sunday school at the church my mom went to … watching veggie tales, cheesy posters on the wall, white jesus … and just feeling like something was wrong with me for not believing. i would feel guilt when I thought about my non-belief. strangely, it was like, “uh oh, if you do exist, god/jesus/spirit, please don’t listen to what I just thought…but if you don’t exist, then just keep on non-existing and I’ll keep talking to myself in my head." weird to think about 6 year-olds having guilt for their understanding/feelings about existential questions of divinity. luckily, my parents didn’t put pressure on me to feel one way or another. my family faith map would look something like this ...