Return Home

Basic Definitions

• Straight/Heterosexual - Attraction to a gender besides your own

• Gay/Homosexual - Attraction to the same gender as yours

• Lesbian - someone who is not a man who is exclusively attracted to those who are not male/a woman who is exclusively attracted to women

• Bisexual - Attraction to two or more genders

• Pansexual - Attraction to all genders

  • The distinction between bisexual and pansexual is that bisexual individuals may not be attracted to every single gender identity imaginable; meanwhile, pansexual individuals will experience attraction to any gender identity

Sexuality

• • Sexuality can be a tricky subject to discuss when you are transitioning.

    • For those who transition to a binary identity, the same terminology applies for you as it would for a cisgender individual.

      • Ex. If you're transitioning to male and like men, that is a gay relationship. You're not like an off-brand man or anything; you are every bit as much of a man as the one who had been ascribed that identity at birth. For transgender women, men being attracted to you doesn't make them gay because you're a woman. The presence or absence of certain genitalia do not determine one's sexuality.

    • For nonbinary individuals, it is entirely up to you what terminology you are most comfortable using. Considering the fact that nonbinary is any gender identity outside of the binary male/female, you may feel most comfortable with the term lesbian while presenting mostly masculine while still feeling connected to femininity.

• It is okay to express, “I don’t want to date this trans person because they have a trans experience that doesn’t align with the type of person I am attracted to.” However, it isn’t okay to express, “I don’t want to date trans people.” Trans people have a very diverse set of experiences and often the reasons why people say they don’t want to date trans people are founded in myth and misunderstanding. Not all trans people have the genitals they were assigned at birth, not all trans people are infertile, not all trans people have XYZ characteristics, etc, etc, etc.

Internalized Homophobia/Transphobia

• Sexuality can be incredibly difficult to navigate when you aren't heterosexual or cisgender. Our society pressures us to believe that the "right" way to be is to be the gender you were told that you are and to love someone of the "opposite" sex, otherwise you are an abomination. These messages are incredibly difficult to hear and contribute to people feeling incredibly conflicted with their identity when it doesn't fall in line with those experiences.

• When we discuss gender and sexuality, many parents also get incredibly uncomfortable and believe that discussing this topic will "convince their kid to be gay/trans." The thing is is that solely consuming heterosexual and cisgender media never made LGBT+ kids heterosexual or cisgender; it solely taught us that our experiences are not palatable for the general public and contributed to the sense that something was wrong with us.

• Following that philosophy, much of society conflates gender and sexuality. Many students who I have spoken to did not understand the difference between the two. When these distinct identities are conflated and not treated as separate entities that influence one another, it can cause significant strife.

  • For example, consider how lesbians often feel a disconnect with being a woman because they like women. So much of society centers itself on men and liking men that when someone with a feminine experience does not like a man, it is considered abnormal. Femininity is conflated with liking men; think of how feminine men are assumed to be gay.

• It can also be incredibly difficult for transgender individuals to find satisfying and fulfilling relationships because so much of society has conditioned us to believe that we are undeserving of love. Many of the messages that we hear are of how difficult it is to exist as we are, how difficult it will be to find someone that loves us, how difficult it must be to be someone that loves us, etc, etc, etc. We are constantly fed the message that who we are is an innately unlovable experience. That to be us is innately inferior.

• LGBT+ individuals are just as worthy and deserving of love, happiness, and fulfillment within our relationships. It took me a long time to understand such an obvious message, but it is so necessary to internalize. Many of us settle for relationships that may not be the healthiest because we believe that that is all that we deserve because we are transgender. There is this belief ingrained within us that we need to "take what we can get" and be "grateful" for any attention that we receive. That is most certainly not true.

• It can be incredibly difficult to find healthy relationships during high school as a transgender kid. Those of us who can find those connections are incredibly fortunate, but for those of us who cannot it is no reflection of how we are as people. When we leave high school, we also leave a lot of the insecurities that followed us. Many of us, not just transgender students, find that the things that we judged each other on truly have no credence and are ultimately unworthy of being maintained as beliefs. We become less judgmental and find that it is far easier to find those that we truly enjoy the company and presence of. It does get better. We do become fulfilled.

On the topic of asexuality:

• It is very, very, very difficult to identify yourself as aromantic/asexual. The argument that you are too young to identify yourself as aromantic/asexual is valid because it is totally normal to not experience sexual or romantic attraction when you are twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, etc. In high school, you are still basically a kid and it’s normal for kids to not have sexual attraction or want romantic relationships. There can be many reasons why someone is sex-repulsed, like internalized homophobia, trauma, internalized misogyny/sexism, dysphoria, or just not being ready for those experiences and that is okay. That is normal and completely valid. It is very common for transgender individuals to identify as asexual because dysphoria can cause an individual to feel sex-repulsed. This is because they can't see themselves in a sexual context because their body doesn't match what they feel they should have for those scenarios.

  • We can consider that perhaps it is acceptable for an individual to call themselves asexual because it’s easier to take that as an answer of not wanting sexual contact. Allowing people to deconstruct their discomfort on a timeline that's most comfortable for them is absolutely necessary. Not everyone is comfortable with confronting their trauma as quickly as possible or deconstructing their internal struggles and we need to respect that.