Dawn of the Flurge: The End of Humanity - The Start of a New Restaurant Chain Called "Hungry for Humans?"

This is a rather long short story with an absurdly long name. It is meant to put a satire on the creation of the Earth and humanity. This short story focuses on random moments throughout history and is not in any way meant to prove or disprove any theories or religions beliefs on the creation of the Earth or be taken seriously, it is just supposed to be a fun and stupidly thrown-together story for comedic purposes.

Before humanity there was a dark force. This force was an alien race known as the Flurge. These beings created humanity and all other beings of life on Earth for food. They had barely enough materials at the end to make two humans. These beings believed that humans would be their worst crop yet because they could only see as far into the future as the beginning of the ice age. "These beasts were made from our worst materials, they were a mistake! How could a hairless beast such as a human possibly outlive a t-rex?" said Big Mastarouge. "We don't know sir! Woopty Do! We'll just have to wait and see how big of a doinple they become!"

As time went on humanity learned, created, and thrived. When the ice age came it killed off all the dinosaurs except for the turtles and lizards. The humans somehow survived and they went on to be the best crop the Flurge had ever created. "Flip floppety flim!" said Big Mastarouge. "All our best animals are dead! We could have had great meals of t-rex leg, lizard breast, and pterodactyl wings! Now they're all wasted and all we have are these stupid humans!" "Well," said Sinipy Fimbopp, "We could at least tell them that if they wait too long the world will end. That might encourage them to speed up their process of technological evolution! It may also help to further the plot by making it more interesting!" "You're right Fimbopp, it would at least make a good reality TV Show."

"Attention all lower lifeforms that are particularly formally called by the exact name by definition absolutely mostly known as humans! We have come to inform you that your stupid, pathetic, absolutely pointless, unimportant, insignificant planet mostly called Earth by your kind, will be destroyed 2017 years after some bearded guy is born and it will be destroyed by Planet X. If you wish to survive you must make huge things honoring us, raise your population to 2.5 billion people by the end of Earth, in 2017. If you follow all these rules you will survive in 2017. Also honor us as your 'gods' or god, whatever you particularly prefer at any given time, and just do that. It would be highly appreciated you dumb turds! Okay! I gotta go wiz but while I'm doing that invent religion! Bye bye!" Only one human actually heard him and he went to Rome and told everyone there. The word spread until entire religions were created. "We sure got them didn't we Sir Mastarouge! Now they'll all follow our word and honor us and pray to us! Hilarious! I almost feel bad about mass-murdering and eating them all in 2017!"

Humanity did as told for way too many years until 1916, when the flurge came up with a great idea. The population was about 1,800,000,000 so they decided to make their food grow faster. The aliens gave a specific human the idea to open up a fast food joint called White Castle which served fast, cheap, unhealthy food, at least it was at the time. Later on McDonald's opened up and over time became the most unhealthy food source in the world. Obesity rates went through the roof and it was just right for the flourge. "Oh yeah! Do you know what we just smarged off Mastarouge? It's your birthday present! Now all the humans grow even faster! We can almost harvest them!" said Flimbopp. "Not yet Flimbopp." said Mastarouge. "We must wait until a human so toxic that his name makes you cringe when you hear it becomes a leader." "Like who could be that bad Masta?" "Well, according to our future predictor, he will be orange and will have a really cool haircut. His name is Dornald Tromph." "Woo-wee! Gee Masta! I can't wait! It's already past 1955, how much longer are we going to let them grow?" "Until the day of the Earth's death - 2017."

The presidential election was harsh in 2017. There was an orange guy, a woman, and countless others that nobody really cared about. "This went just as planned!" said Mastarouge. "We successfully rigged the election into making Donald Trump win!" "Woo! Ooh boy Masta! We really did it! Remember when we tricked those American 'Founding Fathers' into making a system so rigged that it would be impossible for Donald Trump to lose? Those were the days!"

Everybody hated Donald Trump. North Korea even launched a nuke but missed. A war broke out. All the economies were destroyed! People had nothing left, not even a single bullet to kill a guy that you don't like because they're on the opposite side of the particular war you're fighting. Religions formed along with cults, which were based on the original statements made by the flurge where they told everyone that they needed to worship them and stuff. Not even Schlipoory Schmoosh could save them from their current situation.

Now that the humans were at their weakest state their gods could easily overthrow the world and capture the humans. They came in ready to destroy the humans until they realized that the humans had pretty much done that for themselves. "Wowee! Gee Sir Mastarouge they really got wrecked! Look at em'! I actually feel kinda sorry for them! I mean, look at what we've done to their planet! I feel real bad! Ya know, the war really did look a lot smaller in our side mirror, I think that they should have put a warning about that on the mirror don't you think?" "Look, Flimbopp, I don't care about the mirror thing. I mean, who really needs a warning like that on a mirror anyways, aside from you? Anyways, I think that the humans will gladly accept our invitation to live on the planet Mars that their scientists always said would be hard to make livable but was secretly already livable but only for the rich and the famous. Their government was corrupt from the start and they need to be governed by a better government, us, being eaten by others of our kind because they are delicious. How about you cancel the attacks on Earth and have them abduct them to a 'better place' because they will definitely say yes because they are so desperate." "Why of course! Anything for you sire!"

The Flourge aliens captured all the humans and put them on Mars. The only thing that they had there to eat was McDonald's fast food restaurant food. "Ooh boy..." "Shut up! You always steal the first line of dialogue in this story! Just let me talk first for once damn it!" "Okay! Yes sir!" "Now that I've talked almost first you can go ahead and start saying your lines of garbage!" "Okay! What should we call our new restaurant? I was thinking something like 'Humaburgers and Other Stuff' or maybe 'Meat Sacks O’ Humans.' What do you think?" "I think we should call it 'Hungry for Humans?'" "Excuse me but that sounds kind of like a ripoff of other rhetorical questions used as business slogans from Earth and Slurngdoingle Star System. Are you sure that's legally safe?" "No. First-off, Earth's dead. Second, Slurndoingle is 10,000,000,000,000 light years away, the universe will be dead by the time the message reaches there."

The restaurant was a total success, the show called "Story of Humanity" became the biggest hit comedy show in the multiverse. McDonald's Mulan Szechwan dipping sauce became a major item on the intergalactic black market and became illegal. The Flurge grew to be the largest population in the universe, reaching 2.5 trillion people 2017 years after humanity became a tasty treat.

"Sire Schnormphaloid" says a dark and powerful being, "They're ready." "Gather the Flurge Wumptyloin Johnson, finally our race, the Schniplophogs, can feast." "Can do, master Schnormphaloid!