Colouring Home

Black/Brown

The introductory page in particular is a weird one to me. I drew over a selfie of myself, and that to me was a bit surreal. My first instinct was that something about it felt right, but even now I can’t determine what. Is it simply that I like this drawn version of me better? Or is it something deeper, like how it reflects that sometimes I feel like only a “certain version” of me lives here in Toronto?

Additionally, the page colours represent the Black/Brown stripes on the newer Pride flags that show that Black/Brown people are disproportionately affected by discrimination within the LGBTQIAP2S+ (henceforth queer) community. I myself am at the weird in-between of growing up brown but currently having lighter skin; even so, I’ve framed myself in brown to reflect (what used to be? still is?) part of my identity.

Red

This page was my way of doing a land acknowledgement within a zine. Instead of simply acknowledging the stolen land I live on, though, I think it’s important to go through the histories we constantly interact with, even if we don’t realize it. For instance, Honest Ed’s is located in what was a historically Black district. Fran’s on College and Yonge Street used to be an Indigenous gathering place. Understanding that we are constantly navigating colonization and often benefiting from it is the first step towards decolonizing our mindsets.

Orange

I use this as a sort of introduction to the rest of the zine. It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it? But I was, and still am, struggling greatly with immigrating to Canada. I’ve been told a number of things, but one that I hear over and over is that if I do have to leave, at least I’ll have made my mark here. While that in itself can be a wonderful thing… maybe there’s a part of me that fears how much of an impression Toronto has left on me. What is “home”? Why is Toronto “home” when I probably won’t be able to stay in the long run?

Life is hard.

Yellow

I’ve always hated the colour yellow. I’ve hated how it always meant “weakness” when applied to Asians, and how that weakness in turn “feminizes” Asians (because somehow weakness is related to femininity).

But it was also strange growing up both brown and yellow. I’ve always connected with Filipinos more because Chinese people --one time, even an ex-partner-- couldn’t see me as Chinese. The first remarks I got when I came to Canada about my Chinese identity were a whole group of Chinese people I was hanging out with chanting, “HALF-Chinese, HALF-Chinese! FAKE Chinese!” before laughing.

It’s why it took me so long to really start appreciating different aspects of my Chinese identity. While the zodiac is not the biggest factor in accepting my Chinese identity, it certainly helped. The unofficial title of this piece is “I’m Proud to be a Rat”; rats are clever and quick thinkers, and there is strength in creativity and cunning. I don’t mind that sort of imagery anymore.

Green

Media, especially nowadays, is a fantastic way to connect, especially when it comes to childhood shows. Whether it be discussing Avatar the Last Airbender, taking Sailor Moon personality tests, or looking at Pokémon memes online, people from most anywhere and everywhere can connect with something media-related.

It’s that weird sort of nostalgia that helped me feel that Toronto wasn’t too different from the half-suburban/half-rural white community I grew up in, but that it was also much more vast and diverse than what I was used to. I found ways to connect and grow in Toronto while holding on to the things that helped define me when I was younger. It’s a way of saying that you change doesn’t mean having to leave everything behind. As per one song in Adventure Time -- ”Everything stays / But it still changes”.

Blue

This was one of the first things I wanted to draw. Despite still struggling with immigration, I really wanted to go back to 18 year old me to tell them that they’d be okay.

When I was 17/18, I was obsessed with the idea of finding a “home”. It didn’t take me long to find it in the people I befriended, the places I frequented, and the person I became. University really redefined “home” and what it meant to belong somewhere; while I knew I wouldn’t be at university forever, the connections I made through it --social, mental, and physical-- are priceless.

Purple

With my younger self’s obsession over “home”, I came to realize that it was the people who helped define the space. I constantly create and recreate Toronto with the people I come across. Three of these people I’ve grown rather distant from, but are still good friends; at the time, I couldn’t imagine Toronto without them. More people have entered my life since I created this, people that I wish to include now.

Toronto for me, as a queer Asian person, is filled with memories and happenings with people in various places and times that become “home”. It’s different from the stuffy stillness of the small town I came from; it’s the fact that I was able to explore Toronto and meet its inhabitants that I’ve been able to navigate my own identity and aspirations so freely. I can be in constant flux here, and that’s not a bad thing.

I hope I don’t have to leave anytime soon.