My Response to the Assigned Reading

by Sam Levy

I don’t need to read the Marx PDF because I know what he’s all about, and hell, I’m all about it too. What he believes is cool, and it’s fine by me. I agree— money is bad. I would like to have none of it. I would like for my father to be hospitalized for something non-painful but critically life-threatening and be sued for every nickel on his death bed by an environmentally conscious company with a commitment to green energy solutions. I would like to receive none of that money, and I would like for it all to go towards the environmentally conscious company with innovative green energy solutions. 

I would like for the insects to be replenished and the biosphere abundant enough so at least my future child can turn over a rock and catch some sort of disease. I would like for the ice caps to be bigger and taller and unpredictable enough to cause a second Titanic-event, preferably to a Disney Dream Cruise liner or a 200-guest yacht orgy. 

I would like for the weather to be so plainly predictable The Weather Channel is forced to air reruns of 9/11 and Chrenobyl to satisfy its quota for mesmerizing disaster content. This is to say: I would like for all disasters to be human caused, and I’d like more of them too, so long as they are inspired by the abominable human spirit for more innovative green energy solutions. Perhaps a chain-reaction of exploding wind turbines on November 23rd, 2025, or a Disney Dream Cruise liner sucked into the blades of the world’s largest ethical hydrodam on June 5th, 2026. On June 7th, I’d like a TikTok Live cheese plate memorial service by Hailey Bieber and the cast of Breakfast With Mickey, and on June 12th I’d like for Breakfast With Mickey to be discontinued in order to give him time to think more about innovative clean energy solutions. 

I’d like the sea to be cold, cold, cold, the sun to be warm enough, and the ground to be mostly worms. You shouldn’t be able to step on anything that isn’t a worm, and if you’re not wearing any shoes you should die near instantly because the worms are so ripe with bacterial fauna they’ll desecrate your liver and turn your organs inside out so a group of one million mice with Microsoft flower crowns can feed on your dead carcass. 

I know what the Marx PDF is all about, and what it’s about is ethical, environmentally conscious corporations with innovative green energy solutions. I’d like my mother to turn into a deer and spend the rest of her life roaming hazel pastures of grass and guts and bacterial slush. I’d like all the grass to be wet, wet, wet, and strong enough to puncture a Tesla windshield. I’d like Elon Musk to turn into a frog and I’d like him to show his frog dick to seven female flight attendants on the world’s smallest passenger aircraft, which is smaller than even the largest passenger aircraft, which is only five feet in diameter and six feet long. 

I’d like for Karl Marx to reprint his PDF in cyanotype and I’d like it to fit on an infographic small enough to graffiti onto an anthill. I’d like more anthills, more antlers, more anti-capitalist shorthand in Hulu ad breaks, more cranberries, more mountain-sized mole hills, more flax and whey and tofu piccata recipes on more cell phones on more laptops on more televisions on more jumbotrons with E-ink displays and low power fast charging recyclable double-A batteries that smell like lichen because that’s what they’re made of, and more,  for the love of god, more environmentally conscious, eco friendly, nonplastic reusable, non GMO, Greek Yogurt Flavored Condoms. That’s what the PDF is about.