The Characters
Church Staff:
FATHER RON CULPEPPER..........................enthusiastic pastor; loves his church, and all the attention that comes with it
MONSIGNOR ALDO STOFFREGEN .......99-year-old Pastor Emeritus; is prone to nap, often unintentionally
SISTER HELEN ..................................................dedicated school principal; a bit easily confused, but can command an army when needed
PERCY POOLE .................................................school and parish business manager; organized, well-kept, and professional
SISTER JOSEPHINE .......................................choir director and music teacher; does everything by the book
MARABELLE MANSON ...............................timid rectory manager; is forever busy with all the little jobs at the church; has a crush on Zippy
BROTHER DEARLOVE .................................graduate of Mother of Mercy School and soon-to-be parish priest; a professed novice, he is well-liked
REED YACKLEY ..............................................another graduate of the school; youth ministry leader who teaches ministry through magic tricks— which don’t always work
LUMPY LANDERS .........................................custodian of the church and the cemetery; mysterious and quiet, he walks with a limp and is known to lug a bag as he slinks about
Church Parishioners:
TED BLITZMAN .......................well-known local realtor and big church sponsor; a bit full of himself
REGINA BLITZMAN ...............Ted’s wife; eagerly awaits the day when Ted will find a dream home for the two of them
ROB WALTERS .........................devout parishioner; Grace’s husband and Sky’s father
GRACE WALTERS....................also devout; Rob’s wife and Sky’s mother
SKY WALTERS .........................Rob and Grace’s daughter; Goth girl who “doesn’t do church”
ZIPPY RUDOLPH ..................soon-to-be-baptized ex-convict; has a crush on Marabelle
KAREN .......................................frustrated parishioner; demands answers
MACK O’MALLEY .................local Irish landscaper who is owed money by the parish
Others:
NANCY .................................Cookie Cadets leader; Farrah’s mother
FARRAH ...............................Cookie Cadet; Nancy’s daughter
TINA ......................................another Cookie Cadet
OPHELIA .............................another Cookie Cadet
ERICA ...................................another Cookie Cadet
URSULA ..............................another Cookie Cadet
VIOLET ................................another Cookie Cadet
DETECTIVE QUINN ...............detective; arrives undercover as a paramedic to tend to the victims
BEATRICE BOLDEN ...............local newscaster
The Readings:
Choose one and really prepare it -don't worry about gender of the character. Just choose one that 'speaks' to you. Be sure to think about inflection, speed, clarity, diction, what's your face doing...put all those good theater skills to use!
1. Sister Josephine: Alright, everyone, while we’re waiting for Father Culpepper, there were some typos in this week’s bulletin— (Glares at MARABELLE.) —so I’d like to go over some corrections. First, the youth ministry with Mr. Reed Yackley is for ages 7 to 10, not 100. Please pardon the extra zero. If you are over ten years old, please do not attend the youth ministry. We will not be making extra coloring pages for adults who show up. The section on the right should read, “For next week’s potluck dinner, we’ll be serving baked chicken,” not “baked children.” The “Letter from the Pastor” section refers to Jesus as “the way, the truth, and the lice.” Please note “lice” should be “life.” We apologize for calling our savior a parasitic insect. Also, the printed choir schedule is incorrect. Unfortunately, the choir is no longer permitted to rehearse Wednesdays and Sundays… thanks to Father Culpepper. We now only rehearse on Sundays. God help us. Moving on, the email listed for Karen Howerton and the Women’s Guild is incorrect. Karen’s email is “we-love-womens-guild@mom. net,” not “we-love-womens-guilt.”
2. Ted Blitzman: Thank you, Monsignor Stoffregen. I just want to say, I am so grateful to the families and friends and students who came tonight to help us raise funds for Mother of Mercy Parish and School. With the recent installation of Archbishop Rudolph, the spotlight has certainly fallen on churches like ours to show we are a stable, strong community. Obviously, there has been some speculation about the future of our parish and school. But nights like tonight are important for us to show the archdiocese that we are, hashtag, “Mother of Mercy Strong”! Now, this isn’t a town hall meeting, it’s Bingo Night! If you have a complaint, I ask you to do what normal people do when they have a complaint— whine about it on social media.
3. Father Culpepper: Good evening, everyone! As you probably know, I’m one of nine children, all of whom went through Mother of Mercy! I may be the youngest of the nine, but I’m the only one to win the county’s Realtor of the Year award. Twice! I’ve spent my whole life around this neck of the woods. And of course, I share all this now with my lovely wife, Regina—the only woman I trust to wash my shirts. I just sold two properties at the other end of this block. Valuable land on this street, I’ll tell you what! So if you’re checking out the market—and what a market it is!—give me a call. Whether you’re selling your dwelling or your need to buy has intensified, buy with Blitzman! Now let’s review tonight’s rules… I don’t need to tell you how to play bingo, of course, but I’ll remind you to mark your cards quickly so we can keep up a good pace. Shout out “Bingo!” when you get five in a row. We’ll check your card and if correct, you get to come up here to pick your prize!
4. MACK: Wait, I have BINGO too so it's a tie! What do you mean I was 'too slow'? Why am I not surprised?! This parish is always cheating us out of what’s due! Oh, I should have been faster to call bingo, eh? Perhaps you should be faster to pay me for the last seven times I mowed for the parish! That’s right, everyone! This church owes me seven payments! I send my guys out here on me own dime! We cut and mow without a trace of payment for our services! You’ve been saying 'we'll catch up with you' for two months! But not once have I been paid! I was told by the business office that the books say I have been paid - then why haven’t I received any payments? Our own business manager doesn’t know where the money has gone! I’d think twice before you drop an extra buck in the basket on Sunday!
5. BEATRICE: (Pulls a microphone from her purse.) Good evening. I’m here live at Mother of Mercy Parish in Brookfield, where a series of mysterious deaths has overrun a bingo fundraiser. Three deaths are confirmed, including the longtime pastor Monsignor Aldo Stoffregen. The details of these deaths have not been released, and the scene remains an active investigation. Shockingly, this news comes only moments after a video was released of the current pastor, Father Ron Culpepper, pushing one of the victims out of their seat. You can see in the video here that the victim took a hard fall. We’ll be on the scene throughout the night providing updates. Live from Brookfield, Beatrice Bolden, KAW News
6. DETECTIVE: Everyone stay where you are. This investigation had begun long before any of you suspected it! The paramedic gear, well, that was a disguise. I’m Detective Quinn of the Brookfield Police Department. You may recognize me from our community outreach commercials that ran exclusively on public access television for the last three years. (Strikes a pose.) “Brookfield’s got your back!” (Waits for applause, but there isn’t any.) I was the one who grabbed the cat out of the tree? (Silence.) I was next to the mayor in the group shot. (Waves like in a commercial.) I helped the old woman off the toilet? Anywho...I’ve seen some wacky business go down tonight. But not enough to crack the case of who’s been bumping off these bingo bandits. (Beat.) Yet.
7. REED: I never wanted to be a youth minister! I wanted to be famous! O’Malley promised me half of what we took. I was going to have my own show in Vegas! I was going to be a star! Everyone would know my name. Who would care about Brother Dearlove? I’d be Reed Yackley introducing the world to the Magic of Ministry! Then you people ruined my dream. Just like you ruined my life! But that doesn’t matter because you’ll never catch me! You haven’t heard the last of Reed Yackley! Remember my name! I’ll be back! The Magic of Ministry will never die! Do you hear me?! Never!