Living with Autism

Have you ever had the feeling of thinking of yourself as normal, but at the same time not normal? Well, that's what life is like for me. Personally, I feel that autism has been misunderstood for a long time, and I would like to share my own experiences. 

What is autism? Nobody really seems to be able to identify what it is. So we're left with derogatory terms like "ADHD", "special needs", "learning deficiencies", and "sensitive". But none of these terms tells the whole story. As with many things, a concrete definition of autism is next to impossible.  The Oxford Dictionary defines autism as "a neurodevelopmental condition of variable severity with lifelong effects that can be recognized from early childhood, chiefly characterized by difficulties with social interaction and communication and by restricted or repetitive patterns of thought and behavior." I do not agree with this definition, for it certainly cannot apply to every person with autism. While I might possess difficulties with socialism, I don't seem to showcase "repetitive patterns of thought and behavior." I think autism can just be narrowed down to specific forms of substandard behavior. For me, I find this behavior in pacing around the room, fidgeting, and awkwardness when talking to someone.

Now that we have some kind of definition out of the way, let's focus on me. Remember how I asked at the beginning if you ever had the feeling of thinking of yourself as normal, but at the same time not normal? While I am indeed on the spectrum, I believe I am much more high functioning than others. Because of this, I feel kind of insulted when I am presented with books for kids with autism or autism programs. As I mentioned before, they seem to be under the impresssion that all autistic people think and act the same. That's the normal part. However, at the same time, I am aware that I indeed display autism symptoms, and that is the not normal. 

I find it extremely hard to have to live with autism. I am always being told about how "you have issues you need to work on" and how "you're never going to get anywhere with that attitude" and how "you just need to try." I don't understand the purpose of these claims. Just saying them is not going to magically change me internally. In fact, there are certain times when I don't really understand my autism. I have anxiety, anger issues, and not very good tolerance. I sometimes like to defend these actions by reminding my parents about my autism, but they have repeatedly told me that these actions are not in fact because of my autism. I often wonder if these issues would be present had I not been diagnosed. 

My schooling has been so radical compared to most "normal" people. I started at a normal enough elementary school, then went to a private middle school, and ended up in a tiny high school. In fact, Space of Mind Schoolhouse is so much different than most schools, and to explain it would take me as long as this writeup.

So in conclusion, I know that 1 in 36 people are diagnosed with autism. That's a lot of people. And I am just one of them. If you yourself have autism and happen to see this post, I just want you to know you are not different from everyone else. You can still do amazing things if you put your heart into it. Anyways, thank you for hearing me out.

-Wilk