Richter's Diary

3rd Dewsnap

Vengeance, sweet vengeance. We cut down those wretched goblins and their hounds. We took their loot, their lives and have made our way back to the wilds. It was a close battle, one of those giant wargs had me betwixt its teeth at one point. Though bruised, bloody, and aching all over, I am alive, and the fetid jungle air has never smelled so good. The sacks of coins we carry are a heavy burden in this mire, so we have decided to make camp in a small cave for a few days. I’ve tended to my wounds as best I can, and all I can do now is hope infection doesn’t take hold. Laid here, in this sodden cave, I sometimes hear the blood curdling howls of the wolf, but soon realise it is only the echo of battle in my mind. I am shaken, but it was worth it to avenge my Arder.

5th Dewsnap

Our new companion talks to himself- Tsielpffn the elf. His manner concerns me. The old washer women of my hometown used to say that madness is a contagion, that it should be cut out of a community lest it spread. I always thought them fools, but now, trapped in this cave with the disturbing grunts of this lunatic, I worry they may well have been right. I grow paranoid, sleeping with my blade close to hand.

6th Dewsnap

My wounds have closed, we are leaving for Rantar’s keep. It will take us three days. God bless us. Let it be a fast journey.

11th Dewsnap

The jungle was not a place where I was able to write in my journal, the humidity of the place would sweat into the paper, soiling the ink, and - as you can see from this very page - insects seemed to enjoy suicide bombing into it, creating little splatter marks. Truly annoying.

Speaking of insects, the only danger that befell us in the jungle came on eight legs. Our new mad friend Tsielpffn walked into a wall of webbing whilst distracted talking to his imaginary friend. High above the lunatic two behemoth spiders began to crawl down towards him, spitting with hunger. We thought quickly, and our wisely wizard Melvin used one of his barbarous spells to put the creatures to sleep. Our friends pulled themselves free from the web, and that was when I came up with a cunning plan. You know ‘ol Richter, cunning as fox, if only as pretty as a ham. I directed our friends to burn away the web, that would hopefully cause the sleeping spiders to fall to their deaths. Once they had splatted on the ground, much in the same way as the flies on my lovely parchment here, we would milk their fangs into our waterskins and have ourselves a powerful new weapon; Venom. It went well, to start with, our fires took to the web like a summer prairie. But as the embers rose, the light and smoke must have drawn the attention of an even fouler creature. A ragged wyrm swooped through the smoke on leathery wings and took off with our quarry, squawking and flapping like some dread-turkey. No milking for us after all. I do hate wyrms!

Now we are back in town and unfortunately I don’t have much memory of last night. I drank far too much ale. I think someone mentioned Arder to me, one of the guards possibly. I lost my shit. But today is different, today I will make sure that I keep my promise to Arder for revenge. I am going to ask around for information on those bandits we stumbled upon to the North. They must be somewhere around here. I will find them, as we have a common enemy in the hunchback. I hope to make a deal with them. The hunchback rules over the goblins who killed my Arder, and if the bandits want him dead then they are allies of mine. I will tell them that the Hunchback is hooked and primed for a gutting, his goblin ranks thinned by our assault.

12th Dewsnap

I asked around the keep for information on the bandits - nothing. So I went out into the woodland to look for them on the pretence of gathering food. I did gather some food, that will be useful as nearly all of my coin has been eroded by my thirsty gullet. Woe is Richter.

13th Dewsnap

Today I asked around the squalid huts that surround the Keep to see if any of the peasantry had information on the bandits location. I met a foul little man named Euin. Crooked, swollen, with black little teeth like mouse droppings. I instantly took a liking to the cretin. A man after my own sullied heart. I offered him employment to act as my porter and torch bearer, and he accepted, naturally. A rising tide lifts all turds! Come Euin, we will grow fat and rich together, paying countless whores to pretend to love us, if only for two minutes at a time!

15th Dewsnap

Yesterday was a blessed day. At first, I thought it a cursed day. But I was wrong. It is most blessed. ‘Ol Richter can be wrong sometimes!

I had gone out to the woods again looking for the bandits. I found nothing; no tracks, no campsites, no nothing. But something happened to find me. I was walking through the bush, minding my own ugly business, when I saw a dark figure lurking in the treetops. I froze. Watching carefully, I peered into the green. And what lay in wait for me? A sleek and shiny shadow with yellow eyes that burned into my very soul. A giant dark cat. A panther. It looked into me, and I into it.

I made myself as tall as possible and shouted at the creature, “come on kitty, let’s have a go!” I hoped to scare it off, but life is rarely that easy. The creature whirled through the leaves, and in an instant was gone. Only it wasn’t gone. It was lurking through the green. It was lurking towards me! I heard the thrashing of its powerful pouncing body on the brambles.

We circled each other. I lit a torch, hoping the flame would dazzle the creature if it attacked, perhaps giving mean opening to impale it. But it didn’t play my game, it circled me, roaring and mewling. Toying with me.

“Have at you, you pussy cat!” I cried out. A mistake.

I lost track of the thumping sounds of its paws through the trees. It seemed to be everywhere. Then, I heard the snapping of branches above me. Something splattered onto my jerkin from above. Then onto my head. Saliva? I turned slowly. It was the panther all right. I imagined it would be right before my face, its pink maw the last thing I’d ever see before a bloody end. But it was way up the tree above me, and do you know what it was doing? It wasn’t a foaming mouth dripping down onto my head, the whelp was taking a fat steaming piss on me!

I threw my shovel at it, totally missing, I was blinded by pure rage! It seemed to laugh at me up there, those yellow eyes looking down on ‘Ol Richter. I managed to get away, the whole time stinking up the entire woodland with panther piss running down the small of my back and clear through my undies. I was livid.

I got back to Euin’s shack and made the whelp run me a bath. But scrub as I might, I could not get rid of that panther stank.

Then, today, I made way to the barracks in hopes of making a little coin. I set up a competition to wrestle the guards. One of them took me up on it. I was more than a little self conscious about the stink on me but I desperately needed coin. The guard took me by the neck and we began to wrestle. He was a mighty foe, and clearly had been drilled in close quarters fighting. Every time I tried to escape his throws he had me, nearly pinning me twice. Then he dealt me a faint and delivered a terrible choke hold. I thought it was all over. I hadn’t met the bandits. I hadn’t found Arder his revenge, I’d been pissed on my an unlucky cat, and now I was going to loose all my coin on a bad bet. Just as the lights began to go out, the guards choke hold tightening, he released me. He was coughing and spluttering and nearly vomited into my ear! I quickly grabbed his arm and threw him over my shoulder, slamming him and pinning him instantly.

He was not happy, calling me a vile cheat for lathering up in foul smelling liquids. ‘Ho you glorious gods! That stinking panther piss saved ‘ol Richter from destitution. So the panther has become my lucky animal, it’s urine my cologne! Let it be known that my heraldry is the Pissing Panther!