Even though the book is written for couples, Eggerichs explicitly states that the aim of the book is to teach the wife to change to respect her husband so that her husband will love her. Changing her behavior is his focus.
You must allow him to make decisions and trust his intuition, rather than your own. Indeed, we have to do this for our own good, because women are far more easily deceived than men. The Serpent deceived Eve, and then Eve went and got Adam and gave him the fruit. (230).
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But nevertheless, Eggerichs feels that husbands are uniquely called to be responsible for the family, and thus we must allow them to make the decisions and defer to them, especially since we cannot trust ourselves.
The resolution to this issue? Once again, as it is with the vast majority of illustrations in the book, the wife decides to do what the husband wants, and stops wanting or expecting anything else.
If you want a healthier way to act respectfully and lovingly in marriage, please see 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage instead. Like this post?Since posting these reviews of Love and Respect, many people have asked me how they can share their concerns with their churches and community.
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I think part of it is because women are hungry for better relationships and there has been a lot of bad teaching out there that promotes selfishness in men and women. And then look! Here is a book that she has all this power to change the relationship if she only gives up that power.
1. Life is suffering.
2. The cause of suffering is desire.
3. You can eliminate suffering by eliminating desire.
4. This is achieved by the eightfold path, which is a series of attitudes and habits we develop in ourselves.
I have seen a lot of teaching recently on women remaining in bad situations because she was suffering for the gospel, it was ordained by God and she should bear it with humility and grace and see it as an opportunity to improve herself. It all starts to feel very Buddhist when you look at it in those terms.
Thank you! I am happy to report that I have been remarried to an amazing man for almost 7 years, we gave my daughter our last name and have gone on to have 3 more children. He is exactly what I always knew a husband and father should be. All glory to God for the beautiful redemption story here!
You know, I have started now to take Focus on the Family broadcasts with a grain of salt. Too many times I have tuned in for a barrage of what was clearly a culture war broadcast. I feel like Christians have lost that battle because we have not been speaking the truth in love. I believe homosexuality is a sin, but is a sin like other sexual sins, not the unforgiveable sin. I fear that if someone was just looking for hope, say a homosexual tuned in, wanting to hear about Jesus, all they would find is condemnation and more culture war jargon. I want to be someone that points EVERYONE to Jesus, all they have to do is turn from sin and repent and embrace Jesus as Lord and Savior.
Definitely forward this link to them! When Love and Respect was first published, FOTF was under different leadership. I have a very hard time believing that the current leadership would support a book that portrays sex the way that it does or that condones such abusive relationships. I think if more people speak up, they may revisit their support and publication of the book (or at least I would hope so!).
Hi there, I was wondering what your thoughts were on whenever a husband and wife are not on the same page with family planning? Maybe when they both thought one way at the beginning of marriage and then one spouse feels differently later on?
My husband and I were actually just talking about your previous post, and how the dynamic of low-high sex drive looks like in our marriage. I have hormone issues that have contributed to my lower sex drive, my husband understands this and gives me grace, but I push myself to have sex more often out of recognition for his desire for sex. Both of us are doing so out of love and a desire for what is best for the other.
Thank you, Shiela. As a biblical counselor, my husband has been warning couples about this book since it first came out. He wrote a lengthy review on it after we saw many marriages actually get worse or be destroyed altogether by following the decidedly *unbiblical* advice it gives to both husbands and wives.
And I would like to clarify that my husband was a product of a culture that skewed relationships as the man has all authority and the woman has nothing, and then Bible verses are used to back it up. So it was over coming cultural teachings as well as addressing the Biblical meaning of Ephesians. My husband is a wonderful person, but we had to overcome a lot in the beginning of our marriage. ?
Outstanding review of this book! I was given this book by a woman at my previous church years ago. I found it difficult to read. In fact I gave up. My heart aches for those who follow these teachings. Thank you for such a thorough and eye opening review. I pray many are able to see truth.
Nothing in the book isolates the woman into being the only one responsible for the marriage. The word respect is unique in its application when counseling those in LOVE. The entire book clearly defines that respect for a man is his love.
The reviewer plainly misrepresents the author in her discussion of the wet towels. Just read the passage the reviewer put in here. Not a single word indicates the husband is withholding love. However, the passage does present a perfect scenario where the woman humbly realized that her complaining did no good for anyone.
Yet nowhere does it occur to him that by taking his wife for granted like that, and by dropping his towel ON THE BED instead of ON THE FLOOR he is causing her a ton of work. And that this, perhaps, is not exactly love, to put it mildly.
This shows me that Eggerichs has no idea what women think. He has no idea what real love is. And he also has no idea what being a Christ-like servant is (Jesus would not have left wet towels on the bed and thus cause someone else a ton of work when He could just as easily left them somewhere else.)
Some people were easy to please; a kind gesture or smile was all it would take. Getting their approval so effortlessly made me happier than a kid at Disney World. But with other people, it seemed the more I tried to please them, the more likely they were to treat me like an old dish rag; and the more this happened, the less I liked myself.
For many years, I silently endured the ongoing, relentless invalidation of who I was based on how others treated me. When someone close to me was feeling unsatisfied, negative, or in search of someone to blame, there I was, ready to take it.
The dream was showing me the truth about how I was living. When my life and health started to collapse around me like a burning building, I had to take a hard look at my perspective and decisions. I started to question my beliefs about what it meant to be a truly good person, and what it took to receive the love and respect I so desired.
Back then, it would have been easier for me to blame others for their ungratefulness and neediness; but deep down, I knew that blaming would have been another way to avoid taking a look at myself.
In my attempts to make everyone else happy, I lost control of my own identity, and they lost their ability to solve their own problems. By changing myself to become who everyone wanted me to be, I made myself less desirable and implicitly invited people to take me for granted.
Change your perceptions, beliefs, and behaviors. Make contributions to a bank that pays interest. Receive the love and respect you so desire by celebrating your freedom from the longing to be accepted by others.
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The pain I experienced during those dating years was the greatest catalyst for my transformation, like it often is in life. We want to avoid the pain at all costs, but the pain makes us find strength for making difficult decisions and the motivation for making radical changes in our life.
Simply put, boundaries are the limits you set for yourself in dating, in love, and in life. Things you are not willing to tolerate, put up with, accept, or compromise on. Your boundaries are your rules! I also interchangeably call them non-negotiables.
Your boundaries have a few important roles in dating. They protect your personal space, your values, and your sense of self. Weak boundaries leave you vulnerable and likely to be taken for granted, or even abused, by others.
Lack of boundaries is often linked to feeling unworthy and unlovable. Boundaries tell people how you want to be treated based on what you believe you deserve. They also help others understand how you want to be valued and respected.
Boundaries help you honor yourself. They help you honor your needs. They help you take responsibility for your own well-being. They help you become more assertive. They help you stand firmly in your own power.
When you communicate your boundaries, you let other people know that you know yourself. You let them know what is in your best interest and you are not willing to compromise on the important things in your life. Having boundaries is about loving and respecting yourself. And when you do, you get love and respect back from others. 152ee80cbc
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