I lay on the cold hard ground with Vasudeva's rhythmic breathing keeping me company. The sound of water dripping in the corner was also my constant companion during these sleepless nights. I turned to look at Vasudeva. He looked so peaceful in his sleep. I envied how it was so easy for him to just fall asleep and escape this place. No matter how hard I tried, sleep never came to me. At first we both suffered from insomnia. It was hard enough to find a comfortable place in a depressing and horrifyingly smelly cell, but to sleep in a place where our children's blood decorated these walls? That was impossible. Vasudeva's somehow was able to move past it. I guess after six babies your brain just stops you from feeling anything at all. I, on the other hand, still felt everything. I felt every strike my brother, Kamsa, inflicted on my children. I felt their pain and heard their cries that rocked me to my core. I would scream and plea for Kamsa to stop until my throat was raw and I spat out blood. I would try and take on Kamsa but I was too frail from lack of nourishment and just delivering a child. I never got to hold them before they were killed. I never got to name them or feed them. Kamsa would take the baby right out of the midwife's hand and kill it. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't lose another one.
I will not lie, I had debated ending it all. I actually tried once right after the fourth one. One night, when Vasudeva was sleeping I tied strips of leftover rags from the delivery and tried to tie it to a shackle the dangled near the ceiling. Vasudeva ended up waking up with all the racket I made and stopped me. He held me close and told me not to give up. I couldn't leave him because I was the only thing holding him to this world. More importantly, we were the going to the parents of the reincarnation of Vishnu. We were honored and blessed to have such a responsibility. Vishnu would do so much good and set the world right. It may seem hopeless now but nothing will compare to the happiness the reincarnation of Vishnu will give to his people.
When Vasudeva first started talking, I was quiet and numb. All I could think about was that I never wanted get pregnant again and I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. The more he spoke, the more I knew he was right. We were chosen for a reason. I would bring the reincarnation of Vishnu into this world but I would NOT lose another baby. I prayed to the gods and thanked them for the privilege they bestowed onto me but they had to see my suffering. Even if I never got the chance to raise my children I wanted them to live.
About a year later, it happened again. I became pregnant with my seventh child. At first I was scared to enjoy the baby's movements but something about this child was different. I was full of peace and I had faith that the gods heard me. Sure enough, that night the goddess Mahamaya came to the prison cell. She told me that she would save the child by transporting it into another women, assuring its safety. I wept with joy and thanked the kind goddess. I knew if the gods would help me save a simple human baby, my next son, the reincarnation of Vishnu, would be okay. Kamsa couldn't stop his fate. Did he not know the power of the gods? Vishnu was coming soon and there wasn't anything Kamsa could do to stop it.
Author's note: I decided to write about how Devaki felt when losing her children. In the Epified videos, Kamsa was told that the eighth son of Devaki and Vasudeva would kill Kamsa. Kamsa was going to kill both of them but when Devaki begged for their lives, Kamsa decied to just just lock him up instead. Devaki ended up becoming pregnant and Kamsa would kill the babies by smashing them against the wall of the prison cell. This would happen until the seventh child which the goddess Mahamaya transported into Vasudeva's first wife. Everyone then thought that Devaki had a miscarriage. I thought that I would continue with the theme of writing in the point of view of a women so we could see the pain that she went through losing her babies like that.