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“I decided to start anew ― to strip away what I had been taught..."
“I decided to start anew ― to strip away what I had been taught..."
―Georgia O’Keefe
―Georgia O’Keefe
Near Cape Alava, the western-most point of the contiguous United States.
I have enjoyed drawing for as long as I can remember. My dad was an artist. I would sit in his studio for hours, watching him paint and whistle along with music. When I wasn't playing with the neighbor children or exploring the countryside, I would sit in my room and draw. My dad would offer me tips, while also being sensitive and careful not to change my style. He instilled in me the importance of being myself.
I have enjoyed drawing for as long as I can remember. My dad was an artist. I would sit in his studio for hours, watching him paint and whistle along with music. When I wasn't playing with the neighbor children or exploring the countryside, I would sit in my room and draw. My dad would offer me tips, while also being sensitive and careful not to change my style. He instilled in me the importance of being myself.
During middle school, while on a walk in the woods, my dad gave me one of his old film cameras. I was hooked. I photographed every flower in my mom's garden, every sunset ― just about anything I possibly could ― to my parents' annoyance.
During middle school, while on a walk in the woods, my dad gave me one of his old film cameras. I was hooked. I photographed every flower in my mom's garden, every sunset ― just about anything I possibly could ― to my parents' annoyance.
My drawing and photography passions eventually led me to college, where I received a Bachelor's degree in Studio Art. Before college, I wanted nothing more than a career in art. Perhaps to be a photographer for National Geographic! What a fun job, to travel all over the place! But, by the time I graduated, I was disillusioned. All the deadlines, hard work, and sleepless nights were stamping out my love of art. And I was beginning to question the whole "American dream." I realized that for me to continue doing what I love, I couldn't make it into a job.
My drawing and photography passions eventually led me to college, where I received a Bachelor's degree in Studio Art. Before college, I wanted nothing more than a career in art. Perhaps to be a photographer for National Geographic! What a fun job, to travel all over the place! But, by the time I graduated, I was disillusioned. All the deadlines, hard work, and sleepless nights were stamping out my love of art. And I was beginning to question the whole "American dream." I realized that for me to continue doing what I love, I couldn't make it into a job.
Shortly after graduation, I was bed-ridden for a whole winter. I had little energy to visit friends, could no longer go for walks outside, could not even prop myself up in bed to draw. I had been told by a few doctors that I would have to be on medication for the rest of my life. Hearing of the possible detrimental side effects of these drugs, I refused and sought other methods ― diet, vitamin supplements, exercise ― to no avail. Feeling completely helpless and hopeless, I fell to rock-bottom and pleaded with God to just let me die.
Shortly after graduation, I was bed-ridden for a whole winter. I had little energy to visit friends, could no longer go for walks outside, could not even prop myself up in bed to draw. I had been told by a few doctors that I would have to be on medication for the rest of my life. Hearing of the possible detrimental side effects of these drugs, I refused and sought other methods ― diet, vitamin supplements, exercise ― to no avail. Feeling completely helpless and hopeless, I fell to rock-bottom and pleaded with God to just let me die.
One morning in March 2012, things seemed much worse, so my dad drove me to the emergency room. A doctor advised that I go back on medication. Considering all my past failures, this time it felt like the best option. Meanwhile, he also gave me a drug for the pain, which made me unconscious. While sleeping the afternoon away, he told my dad that he believed I would have died that night, had I not gone to the ER. Within a few days I was out of the hospital, but continued to see a doctor for my condition.
One morning in March 2012, things seemed much worse, so my dad drove me to the emergency room. A doctor advised that I go back on medication. Considering all my past failures, this time it felt like the best option. Meanwhile, he also gave me a drug for the pain, which made me unconscious. While sleeping the afternoon away, he told my dad that he believed I would have died that night, had I not gone to the ER. Within a few days I was out of the hospital, but continued to see a doctor for my condition.
Just before going to the hospital, I had a moment of surrender, where I gave up all sense of control of this situation and put my trust completely in God. My way of doing things had led me nowhere. God would show me the way. In accord with the advice of someone who was praying for me, I let go of emotions and relationships that had been weighing me down. I felt divine Love around me and within me, lifting me up. Some of the ideas that I had learned in my Catholic upbringing and from studying various religious traditions were no longer mere intellectual concepts. Now they were beginning to be understood and felt.
Just before going to the hospital, I had a moment of surrender, where I gave up all sense of control of this situation and put my trust completely in God. My way of doing things had led me nowhere. God would show me the way. In accord with the advice of someone who was praying for me, I let go of emotions and relationships that had been weighing me down. I felt divine Love around me and within me, lifting me up. Some of the ideas that I had learned in my Catholic upbringing and from studying various religious traditions were no longer mere intellectual concepts. Now they were beginning to be understood and felt.
Within a year, I learned to listen better to that inner voice. Intuition told me that I didn't need medicine anymore. A few months later, I told my family. They were alarmed by my decision. However, after six months, I had no more symptoms. The doctor was probably waiting for me to come back... again. But I never did. I was healed by God!
Within a year, I learned to listen better to that inner voice. Intuition told me that I didn't need medicine anymore. A few months later, I told my family. They were alarmed by my decision. However, after six months, I had no more symptoms. The doctor was probably waiting for me to come back... again. But I never did. I was healed by God!
Then in 2014, I heard that inner voice again, telling me I was to quit my job. I thought I had gone completely crazy. But I heard the intuition again and again. In a few months I flew west with backpacking gear, never having camped before in my life. I was anxious and felt horrible that my family and friends were scared about my decision. Moreover, I had no idea about what was to unfold.
Then in 2014, I heard that inner voice again, telling me I was to quit my job. I thought I had gone completely crazy. But I heard the intuition again and again. In a few months I flew west with backpacking gear, never having camped before in my life. I was anxious and felt horrible that my family and friends were scared about my decision. Moreover, I had no idea about what was to unfold.
But once I arrived in Utah, things turned out much better than expected. I was in awe of the things that happened when I let go of control. I had gone way out on a limb, and the fruit I picked was sweeter and more satisfying than I could have ever imagined. I lived in a community of cave dwellers ― as a solo woman living among men whom I had never met before. We lived completely without money and called ourselves the "moneyless tribe." After that, I went to my first Rainbow Gathering, and then I walked 1000 miles of various trails, including the Pacific Crest Trail.
But once I arrived in Utah, things turned out much better than expected. I was in awe of the things that happened when I let go of control. I had gone way out on a limb, and the fruit I picked was sweeter and more satisfying than I could have ever imagined. I lived in a community of cave dwellers ― as a solo woman living among men whom I had never met before. We lived completely without money and called ourselves the "moneyless tribe." After that, I went to my first Rainbow Gathering, and then I walked 1000 miles of various trails, including the Pacific Crest Trail.
My art changed over this time. When I was a child, the pieces I drew were strictly realistic. Once I was healed, and then started to backpack, my art began to branch into other styles.
My art changed over this time. When I was a child, the pieces I drew were strictly realistic. Once I was healed, and then started to backpack, my art began to branch into other styles.
Now it's been several years since I took that leap of faith. I travel often, usually with a sketchbook and camera in my backpack. Sometimes I hang around an area for awhile too. I don't always listen to that inner voice, and suffer the consequences. But when I surrender, the journey becomes harmonious.
Now it's been several years since I took that leap of faith. I travel often, usually with a sketchbook and camera in my backpack. Sometimes I hang around an area for awhile too. I don't always listen to that inner voice, and suffer the consequences. But when I surrender, the journey becomes harmonious.
Resting in a meadow of lupine in Idaho.
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