Suicide is More Common Than Sex in IIT Delhi Campus: A Report
A study shows that number of students who have committed suicide in the campus are more than number of students who have had sex within the campus. In this seminal work, using the theory of suicidal and sexual dynamics, 8th year PhD student of the Dept of Mathematics in IITD has shown that the probability of a student of IITD being sexually active is lesser than committing suicide. We talked with the scholar about his work, he explained that, "Since there is a strict policy that heterosexual students can not bring opposite gender in their hostel rooms, they have no choice but to have sex in Open Air Theatre (OAT). Since we can commit suicide anywhere in campus but can have sex only in OAT, the probability of committing suicide is greater. There is an additional factor that skews this probability even more. The mosquitos in the OAT bites and interrupts the sex." On asking whether there is any empirical evidence to support his hypothesis, the scholar said, "there are several empirical evidence - in an RTI reply institute said, "The number of suicide in IITD have improved over the period of time." But, to the query of whether the students can have sex in the hostels or not, they said, "It is an irrelevant question." Scholar further added that, during the 4th revision of the paper, 'reviewer 2' had asked to provide more evidence for the claim. For that, I collected 'used condoms' and 'used ropes' from IITD hostels' dustbins, and not so surprisingly, this exercise re-affirmed our hypothesis.
Our reporter sought comments from security in charge of the institute, on this work. He said, "We are extremely happy with the outcome of the study. It is our success that we are able to ensure enough resources for the students to commit suicide, and also we are able to ensure the safety and virginity of women in campus. We are the reason IITD have secured the first rank in National Index of Rare Fertility (NIRF) Ranking."
We also talked with various other authorities of the institute. Warden of newly built centrally airconditioned Dronagiri hostel said that this is just one scholar's opinion. In his own words - "Our hostel is apt for both the sex and suicide. The basic flaw in the study is that scholars haven't considered masturbation as sex. In my hostel life, I quite enjoyed both - the sexual and suicidal activities in campus. In fact Institute is considering whether they should allow heterosexual students to bring opposite gender in their room or not. We have constituted a committee which shall contemplate whether we should ratify Article 21 of Constitution of India in the campus too or not." When our team spoke to the director of the Institute, he said, "I think the scholar did not take the opinion of the students who committed suicide on the question of whether they have had sex in campus or not. I think, if we would be able to know whether those who committed suicide had sex or not, then we will be able to fairly asses the situation."
When we asked the scholar about these criticism of his work, he said, in fact concern raised by the director was asked by 'reviewer 2' during the 6th revision of my paper, hence, I had to take the opinions of those who committed suicide whether they had sex in the campus or not, to that they did not reply. But to support my hypothesis, I had cited a paper where authors had claimed that those who are suicidal are very likely to not have any sex life in their past. Although in the future, after death, they get to have sex, some of the studies say. In my opinion, this is the reason they commit suicide, so that they get to have sex eventually, after being deprived of it in campus. But I couldn't cite this work related to the sex after death because one of the reviewers objected that the cited work is sexist and religious in nature and lack scientific temper. In my opinion, that reviewer was communal.