Wedding Resources

In this section you will find my wedding resources. This is what I believe to be the format for a same-sex wedding that is both:

a) Halakhically significant. i.e. It has meaning from a Jewish point of view. Anyone can throw a party and get married according to the state, but that is not Halakhically significant. 

b) Not in violation of traditional Halakha, or require changing any traditional Halakha (such as changing blessings or saying Brakhot Levatala, unnecessary blessings). 

Of course there are many other models that exist, and it is not my intention to impose my views on everyone. However, I do think there is power in tradition and normativity. Part of the power of life-cycle events, such as weddings, is the sense of tradition and standardization. So I would suggest not deviating significantly from the format. Which is why, as you will see, the format here very much mimics the traditional Jewish wedding format, to the point where if one weren't paying very close attention at the cermony they wouldn't know the difference. 

Can straight couples use this too?

Can they? Sure. Should they? That's a question for the couple, their family, and their personal rabbi. Sometimes real allyship is uncomfortable. 

Components of a traditional wedding

1. Reception and Tisch (table singing): Guests are greeted with lively singing, some food, and the two spouses are debuted. Marriage documents are (usually) signed. (Some have the tradition to sign these documents under the Chuppah itself.)

2. Bedekkin: The two partners come together in a moment of intimacy, preparing each other for the ceremony. 

3. Chuppah: A ceremony under the canopy, containing a number of compoentns. 

   1. Blessing over wine

   2. Exchanging of rings

   3. Reading of the documents

   4. Blessings

   5. Breaking the glass / remembering Jerusalem

We will examine each of these in detail.

Reception / Tisch

Weddings traditionally start with a reception to welcome guests and debut the couple. Lively singing is a wonderful practice for this time. The two partners can be in separate rooms, separate parts of one room, or apart. I recommend some separation, even in the same room, as the Bedekkin is traditionally the "coming together" moment. 

At this point a number of documents are usually signed, including: 

1. Tanaim: Literally "terms," it is an agreement between the two families regarding the arrangement. This is not an essential part of the wedding and does not reflect contemporary mores. My partner and I married of our own volition, not an agreement between our parents. I do not recommend this part of the wedding. However, if the parties agree, that's ok.

2. The marriage document: Traditionally a Ketubah, it is the voice of two witnesses attesting to the fact that these two parties are making a commitment to each other. See here for my recommended text. It is important to note that the Ketubah is NOT signed by the two parties. It is signed by two witnesses, and written in the third person, attesting to the marriage of the two parties. Two Jewish individuals should be honored with the signing of this document. It is signed in Hebrew, using the honorees' Hebrew names (Isaac ben Avraham & Sarah). Keep in mind, this is a high honor - often the text is displayed in the marriage home for many years to come.

3. Secular marriage document: While this is often done out of sight and out of mind at traditional weddings, I don't agree with this approach. Thank God our community fought hard for the right of marriage equality, ratified by the Supreme Court in 2015, and this accomplishment should be publicly recognized. This is good moment to honor guests who may not be Jewish or comfortable with signing things in Hebrew. In countries where this is not possible (such as Israel), this can be a moment of reflection on that fact.

I am strongly opposed to the signing of the marriage license prior to the wedding, as some religious couples do for various practical reasons. I believe this is a) a deception of the state and violation of Dina d'Malkhuta Dina (following the laws of the state) and b) cheapens the meaning of the fight for marriage equality. People gave their lives for this document; it is not ancillary.

Bedekkin

The Bedekkin, literally "inspection," is an intimate moment of the couple coming together to prepare each other for the Chuppah. Traditionally the groom places the veil on the bride, making sure this is his bride (recalling the story from Genesis where Jacob was tricked into marrying Leah, who was wearing a veil). I think the idea of placing something on each other in this moment is thus key.

The couple should move to a central area, through song and dance, accompanied by family and friends. 

Options for what can be placed on each other include: 

1. Tallit (my recommendation)

2. Veil

3. Kippah

4. Tie or piece of jewelry 

While this is traditionally a one-way street, there is no reason that this can't be an egalitarian moment. I am opposed to any moment in which one party takes precedence of the other - I couldn't think of a worse way to start off a marriage.

The Chuppah Part I: Rings and Vows

The ceremony under a canopy. Usually preceded by walking down the aisle.

1. It is traditional for the parties (usually men, but anyone could) to don white robes called Kittels at this point. Some have the custom to have a parent or meaningful individual put the Kittel on the individual.

2. Some have the custom to walk in circles around each other. This is neither essential nor a universal practice, so whatever the parties prefer. I am strongly opposed to having one party (usually a woman) encircle the other party (usually a man) in a way that is not reciprocal. In my opinion, a marriage is between equals. 

3. The officiant makes the blessing over wine, and the parties take a sip of wine (make sure it's white!).

4. At this point the parties exchange rings. It is very important to note that each person must purchase their partner's ring with their own money. This is because the exchanging of rings is NOT SYMBOLIC. It is a physical manifestation and testament to the Neder (vow) that will be taken.  You must give something that is yours; you cannot gift something that your partner already owns. 

5. Two witnesses are called up. They should be observent Jews. Some have a preference for men, while some are ok with women as well. The question of women serving as Eidim (witnesses) is beyond the scope of this section, and is a question for your officiant. However, it should be noted these are full Halakhic Eidim, and the officiant should be consistent with their general approach to this question. 

6. The parties make a vow, Neder. Here is how it should be done:

A: הֲרֵי אֲנִי נוֹדֵר לֶאֱהוֹב וּלְיַיחֵד עַצְמִי לְזוּגִיּוּת מְיֻוחֶדֶת, וּלְהָקִים בֵּית קְדֻושָּׁה עִמְּךָ, כְּדַת מֹשֶׁה וְיִשְׂרָאֵל

A places ring on B’s finger

B: וְאֵרַשְׂתִּיךְ לִי לְעוֹלָם וְאֵרַשְׂתִּיךְ לִי בְּצֶדֶק וּבְמִשְׁפָּט וּבְחֶסֶד וּבְרַחֲמִים  וְאֵרַשְׂתִּיךְ לִי בֶּאֱמוּנָה וְיָדַעַתְּ אֶת יְהוָה

B: הֲרֵי אֲנִי נוֹדֵר לֶאֱהוֹב וּלְיַיחֵד עַצְמִי לְזוּגִיּוּת מְיֻוחֶדֶת, וּלְהָקִים בֵּית קְדֻושָּׁה עִמְּךָ, כְּדַת מֹשֶׁה וְיִשְׂרָאֵל

B places ring on A’s finger

A: וְאֵרַשְׂתִּיךְ לִי לְעוֹלָם וְאֵרַשְׂתִּיךְ לִי בְּצֶדֶק וּבְמִשְׁפָּט וּבְחֶסֶד וּבְרַחֲמִים  וְאֵרַשְׂתִּיךְ לִי בֶּאֱמוּנָה וְיָדַעַתְּ אֶת יְהוָה

The Neder is in masculine grammar. 

A woman would change the third word to "נוֹדֶרֶת". 

Someone speaking to a woman changes the word "עִמְּךָ" to "עִמָּךְ."

Unfortunately Hebrew does not have a gender neutral. Two option for the third could be to a) add a ת at the end, as per the gender neutral Hebrew project or b) put it in the passive tense (הרי זה מנודר - it is vowed). I am unsure as to the Halakhic force of passive voice in making a vow.

For a gender neutral partner, the word "עִמְּךָ" can be changed to "עם פלוני" (Ploni being the person's name).

The second line is a quote from the Bible and thus does not get changed according to the gender of the party.

Any person may make a vow, or Neder, regarding a variety of matters. This vow translates to:

"I hereby swear to to love, and to dedicate myself to an exclusive partnership, and to build a house built on holiness with you, as per the customs of Moses and Israel." Nothing here is verboten in Halakha. It is a vow that each partner takes to love each other, be each other's exclusive romantic and sexual partners, and to live together. 

This vow carries full Halakhic force. In case, God Forbid, these two partners ever want to divorce, they would need to convene a Beit Din (court) of 3 rabbis to annul this vow. The act of "cheating" would be not only a moral violation, but a Halakhic violation of this vow as well. This is actually the whole point of this ceremony - the actions taken are Halakhically meaningful. The marriage now carries a Halakhic weight. And, like any other Halakhic marriage, cannot just be walked away from. There needs to be Halakhic process to dissolve the marriage as well. However, unlike Kiddushin marriage, one party may annul the vow without the other being present. If, however, the other party does not annul their vow, any actions taken with someone else are a Halakhic violation. The couple must understand the seriousness of this vow. 

The second line (וארשתיך) is Halakhically necessary, per se, but simply shows the consent of the receiving party. Consent is important in any relationship. 

The Chuppah Part II: Readings

The Ketubah, or Shtar (document), is read either in full or in part, by an honoree.

A set of blessings are made. I do not recommend using the traditional Sheva Berakhot. Here is how the blessings should be done:

1. Hagefen: An honoree makes a blessing on a cup of wine.

   1. Cup is passed back to officiant. Officiant stealthily passes cup to someone else, who takes a sip and puts cup down.

   2. Officiant takes out a new bottle of wine and pours it into a new cup.

2. Shehechiyanu: An honoree takes the cup from the officiant and recites the Shehechiyanu blessing.

   1. Cup is handed back to officiant.

3. Tov v’HaMeitiv: An honoree takes the cup from the officiant and recites the blessing of HaTov V'HaMeitiv. 

   1. Cup handed back to officiant.

   2. Cup is drank by two parties.

Take note that two cups and two bottles of wine are required. The second bottle of wine should be of a higher quality than the first. This Halakhically enables you to make blessing #3. Blessing #2, Shehechiyanu, is said on behalf of the occasion itself (as well as the newness of a number of things, such as a new suit or dress).

While a number of other blessings could also be made, theoretically, this is my recommendation. 

Afterwards we remember Jersualem and shatter a glass. This could also be a moment to mark the struggle for full LGBTQ equality. 

The rest of the evening includes Yichud (private time) and aa celebratory meal