Pumpkin's Muse

i'm so sorry i have been disappeared

Thanks everyone for being so patient and not hounding me because I haven't existed on the online space for a long time. Basically, I have not been attending to my channel because I have been focusing on things in real life. I've been mugging for exams, making new friends, rekindling existing friendships, coding, rock climbing (until my injury, which you can find on twitter.com), and sorting out emotions. It's been a trying time for me but I think it's safe to say that the worst of it has passed! My exams are over, my GPA is out (and down), I'm in a mentally better place and I am ready and refreshed to sporadically make content when my mom is not in the room next to me! Please I am very shy please ple aspeleasepllease

I have not actually been updating the book I was writing (of course, no one is surprised by this revelation) but I do have some ideas I want to put into action under the alias. For instance, I have been developing Discord bots under my personal Discord account, I've been practicing frontend development, I've been kicking myself because I'm also doing backend development, APIs have been feeding my inferiority complex, and I am sincerely reconsidering my future career. Goodness me, I am horribly bad at words on a screen. But, self deprecating and jokes aside, I have really been focussing on the technological aspect of my studies. And I masochistically enjoy it. 

That's all I have to say now. There are a lot more thoughts whirring inside my head but, until I have them sorted out into human readable text, I'm going to let them swirl. Hehe. Pumpkin brain blender. Hehehehe. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you when something changes!

here she comes with scary rant

I'm worried. Like, genuinely worried. I've been working on this VTubing project on an off for almost a year and a half. And, don't get me wrong, I am so, so proud of all the different kind of art I've put out. Because I believe it's a testament to perseverance and self expression, which are two values which I think are extremely important to an individual through life. 

I guess, and I probably shouldn't put this out here on the open web as part of my page, I'm slightly afraid. See, part of me wants to be famous. Like, extremely famous. I want people to come out on the street and recognize me and all that I've worked hard to attempt to accomplish. But, at the same time, I know fame changes people and I don't want to be changed in that way. Fame doesn't solve problems. Just look at the celebrities and how miserable some of them are because they are public figures that're expected to be icons, role models, and idols. How much scrutiny can one take until it drives them insane?

Despite knowing this, I want to be famous. Really, the grass is greener on the other side. If we look at my position objectively, I have most of what I have always wanted. I wanted a small, awesome community (check), to be able to express myself freely through whatever medium I choose (check), and to enjoy myself while doing it (check). But the moment I acknowledge this, the dream has been reached and I would have no goal left to work towards. If I have no goal, I have no motivation. "But Pumpkin," you might say. "Shouldn't you be disciplined instead?" Well, yes, but I have a executive (dys)function. Take that, critical thinker.

In all seriousness, I'm still actively trying to practice the art of gratefulness. You, and I say this parasocially because I do really, really enjoy all of your company and think of you almost as friends (I need therapy), are amazing. Sure, I don't know you as an individual and think of all of you as a combined entity who I love collectively. But still, still, still. I just want to thank you. From human to human. I cannot express my gratitude.

pretext

It's not that I haven't started a blog before. I've done it at least 5 times over the years under different aliases and names. Unfortunately, they all had one thing in common - I gave up after fewer than ten entries. So here I am, back for my sixth attempt, hoping that it'd be more successful than everything before that.

As of now, I have no plans to work this section consistently. I've already got enough on my plate, what with finishing the Webtoon, producing covers weekly, working on TimeDuo, writing the book, editing gaming videos... I think the list goes on far longer than it should for an already overworked University student. "Well then, Pumpkin, you brainlett, why are you doing this?" is something you might be wondering. Well, because it's fun.

I've said this about the YouTube channel before but I'll say it again here. This is all a form of self-discovery. Who am I as a person, what am I doing here, and what is the best manner in which to express myself? There you go. This is it. I hope to let you know more of my thoughts as life goes on, without any obligations whatsoever, just as I feel like it. I think that's how someone of my decidedly low caliber should treat this part of my website, anyway.

I sure hope this doesn't bite me back when I'm older.