/wərdz/

Good or Evil

September 20, 2022

I used to be under the mentality that I had to change for other people in order for them to like me

14 years I thought that,

But then I could never answer the question my mind so desperately begged me to:

Who am I?

So I threw it all away.

I waited for answers, but none arrived

So I waited a little bit longer.

Still, none arrived.

So I ignored it.

And now I am even more confused than when I started.

Now I am my own person with no rule book to follow,

No one to base my decisions on,

But no one to trust.

Because I am my own person,

And I make my own decisions,

But now I can't decide who is good and who is evil.

12 

October 9, 2022

I remember when I thought it would be the end of my life if somebody found out.

I thought I would be sent away

I remember passing notes in the French trailer in middle school

"Do you understand me when I say that it doesn't seem right"

And the reply I got -

"What do you mean it doesn't seem right?

It seems fine to me, I think it's how everyone feels"

To which I replied -

"I just - I don't know

I mean this is coming from a 12 year old

If any adult saw this they would call my parents."

I knew that it was wrong

Everything I did in March was wrong

Because it led me down this path

And I have yet to return

Because the knife scratches my brain the same way it cuts my skin

And that was year 5

And next is year 10

So what will become of me

When I turn 17.

Younger Brother 

October 11, 2022

That is someone's younger brother.

He faced the torment of his older siblings,

And now he faces the torment of his own mind.

He could always run from the fights,

The punches, the bruises, the sticks, the stones,

But the words would always hurt him.

Oh how he missed the comfort of the constant ridicule.

He knew he could escape it,

But soon it was no longer possible.

The words came from his own mind,

And there was nowhere he could run.

There was no more hiding.

When his siblings left him, he faced a new tormenter,

But his new tormenter could never replace the home he found lodged deep within the insults of his siblings.

It just made him miserable.

But because he was the younger brother,

He knew deep down,

He deserves it.

Scarification.

October 15, 2022

I wish when I showered everything from the days previous would come off of my skin.

The scars like tattoos,

The cuts berating my arms and legs,

I wish it would all fall away when the warm water falls from above.

But it is a part of my journey,

One that I truly hope to forget,

But a part of it nonetheless.

Because now I realize these scars aren't fading after 5 years,

So what will happen in the next 5 when I am no longer the man I am today?

All I can do is expect myself to grow,

And in 5 years, if I am still the man I am today,

I don't even know if I will be alive.

I just hope when I am older,

The scars will fade,

And I am left alone.

Uncertainty

October 15, 2022

I hope these shorts are long enough to cover it all up.

I hope no one asks questions.

Because I'm ok!

I promise you I'm ok.

But we all have moments of weakness, don't we?

Just like we all have moments where we make promises we know we can't keep.

It's the lying to make someone believe in a false reality,

That still gives us hope that the reality is just a glimpse into the future.

Because once I admit that I am not ok...

What will happen when I admit that to myself?

And I don't want to think about it,

Because thinking will solidify the liquidated truth in my mind.

And the icecaps are melting in my ocean of uncertainty.

Once I truly believe,

I will never be able to return back.

Harakiri

October 17, 2022

What is your weapon of choice to kill yourself?

A knife?

It's like a game of Clue,

In the bedroom with the knife.

Watching yourself bleed out.

Maybe you choose another option,

Because weapons aren't your thing,

You would rather it be over quickly than letting yourself feel the torturous effects of your actions.

Running into traffic?

Jumping off a bridge?

Maybe it's pills.

Swallow the entire bottle and then go to sleep.

Pray you will never wake.

Maybe you hang yourself.

Swaying side to side,

Finally at peace with the world,

Finally your suffering is over.

But I told myself suicide is the cowards way out.

It is the only way I can keep going.

Even though I know none of them are cowards.

I still said it to myself.

Yet another lie I let myself believe just to wake up the next morning,

Because I don't know my weapon of choice to kill myself.

I just hope it is over as quick as it started.

DROWN.

October 17, 2022

I never saw a light at the end of the tunnel.

Never.

Because I am not in a tunnel.

Welcome to my ocean,

But I am lost at sea,

I am drowning.

And there is no land in sight.

So I try to catch my breath as best I can,

Holding on just long enough to make it one minute longer,

Over and over,

Just one more minute,

Maybe it will all change in just one minute.

I'm holding onto my prayers of a search and rescue team,

But no one is looking.

Because no one cares enough.

No one even noticed the sudden disappearance of a 7 year old,

Lost at sea,

And now he is 16,

And he is still hoping. 

What an idiot.

No one is looking,

Because they knew you were as good as dead by the time they found out you were gone.

Perfect Pair

October 21, 2022

Sleep deprived and suicidal.

What is one without the other?

One to cloud your thoughts,

The other to cloud your judgement.

One to distract you,

The other to go in for the kill.

One to convince you to give up,

The other to rid you of the energy to try.

One to eat you from the inside out,

The other to eat you from the outside in.

Both want you to sleep - whether for just a moment, or for eternity.

BLANK 

October 21, 2022

I smile but my eyes are still blank,

The bags under my eyes might as well be tattooed,

They never seem to leave me alone.

My brain is turning into liquid.

Slowly dripping out of my ears.

So I keep my headphones in,

It stops the pouring,

If only for a moment

And that moment is all that is important,

Because it lets me carry on.

Insurance Policy

October 26, 2022

I'm drowning myself in a sea of irrationality

Because there is no voice to guide

It is just me

And I believe I am rational.

Maybe if I push them all away it will hurt them less

Maybe if I isolate myself then they won't get hit by the blast radius 

Just because I love them

Doesn't mean they love me

Because I am leech

I survive off of others blood because I know there are no chances alone

I drain them

I strip their veins

Until there is nothing left

And that is my fault

It's all my fucking fault.

And I'm so sorry

I'm so unbelievably sorry

Because I turned what you made into a joke

I turned your hard work

Your dedication 

Into my humor. 

And I'm so sorry 

Because you deserve so much better

You were always better than me

And there is no word to describe how amazing you are

But that doesn't negate the feeling

It's true.

And I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry I failed as your daughter

I'm so sorry I yelled at you

So many times

Too many to count

I was selfish 

I am selfish

I'm so sorry.

And I'm so sorry 

Because I was never truthful

I was a liar

I am a liar

Because I hid behind lies to protect you from the truth

I hid because I am a coward

And I couldn't watch the color drain from your eyes knowing it was my fault.

And I'm so sorry

For all the memories we never got to have

For all the promises I can never keep

For all the ifs turned to whens

Because I couldn't take the pressure.

And I'm so sorry

Because I was always annoying

I was obnoxious

I was rude

I am childish.

And I'm so sorry

Because I had to

I can't

I just can't take it

I can't do it

I want to go home.

Please.

Persistence

October 29, 2022

There's still hope, right?

There's still hope.

Because even though the grass will turn shades of mustard yellow,

Of acorn brown,

And the leaves will turn fire red,

And amber,

And daisy yellow,

They will fall.

And the grass will die.

But the evergreens are still alive,

They persist though the cold months just to watch the deciduous trees bloom again.

Just give it time.

Am I the evergreen?

Or am I deciduous?

Do I persist through time,

Through the cold months?

Am I consistently the same through the year,

Always sort of alive.

Always sort of dead.

Or am I the most alive when the weather is warm,

When time is certain,

When there is no guessing the next day,

And when the time comes,

I lose my sanity.

Each piece of it falling when the time comes.

The weather is changing,

Will I change with it?

Wednesday (Series)

December 14, 2022 (my 17th birthday)

Part i

Am I crying because I want this to be the end?

Am I crying because of the pain that has tightened itself around my throat?

I already know it's the end

I know in a few days I'll just kill myself and it will all be over

It will all be over, ***

I promise you.

It will all be over,

So soon,

But it can never be soon enough.

Part ii

Cheer up? 

You just want me to cheer up?

I have been thinking of ways to kill myself for the past 24 hours.

Because of you.

And you want me to cheer up?

Maybe I shouldn't worry about how I can make it as easy as possible for you,

Maybe I should cover the walls in my blood.

Tell me to cheer up when I'm laying on the ground motionless.

Tell me to cheer up when I cut my skin open.

Tell me to cheer up when I'm hanging by my neck.

The rope is made out of every word you have said to me.

It's your fault.

Part iii a

I'm so confused now

Like the words are on the tip of my tongue but I can't bring myself to say them

So they travel down my neck

Into my shoulders

Through my arms,

And they make their way to my fingers

If I type them it can be undone

Or at least I hope

But the moment I speak them into reality,

It's over

Are the words "I can't do this alone"

Or are the words "I can't live anymore"

Trapped between two evils

Stuck at a crossroad

And I can't decide

So I lay myself to rest

And I don't know if it is to refuel my energy

Or to let my light die.

Part iii b

When I lie through my tongue

And I begin to lie through my fingers

But I yell out to a void

Where I don't even hear my echo

And type to a page

That no one will see

Who can I even be honest to?

Is it because I'm not deserving

Or am I just not desperate enough

So many say I can talk to them

But I don't have the guts

I don't want to ruin your perfect perception of me

Because I am broken

And this time,

I don't think I can fix it

I don't think anyone can fix it.

So I watch the cars drive by

Speeding off

As I hide my true reality away

Behind my back

And the only people who ever saw it

Stabbed my truth

They stabbed me in the back.

And I deserved it.

Part iv

Grin and bear it ****

Grin and bear it ****

Because asking for help is wrong

I should be independent

Not reliant

Because I'm 17

I'm too old to ask for help

I missed my chance long ago

But if I did ask for help

I would be seen as childish

A preteen whose thoughts were too intense

Who is to blame?

The parents?

Media?

Society?

What drove this preteen to suicidal thoughts?

The lack of acceptance?

The lack of real love?

No that can't be possible

No

It can't be possible.

Part v

Are you okay?

I can feel the lump in my throat grow with each syllable,

The words that are so desperate to form themselves into sentences,

The sentences that are so desperate to form themselves into chapters,

The chapters that are so desperate to turn themselves into stories,

And the stories that are so desperate to turn themselves into a story,

My story.

But I grin and bear it.

Grin and bear it.

Yeah I'm fine I'm just tired

And I watch your eyes dart straight through me

You know I'm lying

But you accept my words as truth

Even though you have all the reasons to think otherwise

If you need someone to talk to, 

I'm here for you

Oh no 

There they are

The words I didn't want to be spoken

Because now I have a promise to fulfill

And I won't

So I broke the promise I invisibly made

And I'm sorry

Okay

Part vi

When the things I thought would bring joy to my life

Bring joy no longer

Or it isn't as I hoped

When I feel lost

Not knowing what to believe

Not knowing who to believe

Then what can I turn to?

Part vii

I can't believe they hide the tension away

Behind fake smiles

I could never do that

I am so easily read

Their hugs and I love yous 

Their gifts

And I avoid eye contact

And I walk alone in the dark

In the rain

Because that's what I love

Curiosity Killed the Cat

February 19, 2023

I am a bystander to my own life

I sit and watch as the time passes by

And I am unable to stop it

I watch the happy moments

And I sit wallowing in sorrow

For what reason

Because I realized I tend to overreact

I'm not mad I didn't get my way

I'm frustrated that I never see the line

I crossed it

I've crossed it on many occasions

And I haven't even realized

Until it is too late

Until my life is over.

Curiosity killed the cat.

The Big Bang

February 12, 2023

I watch as it changes from a first home,

To a second home,

A change in faith,

A change in reliance,

I'm free.

For the first time in 17 years,

I'm free.

It is like I have taken my first breath again,

An inhale without waiting for the exhale,

A start without waiting for the end.

And even though with it comes new questions,

New opportunities,

And new fears,

I'm not scared anymore.

I try to watch the world through a different set of eyes,

I try to watch myself through a different set of eyes,

A new perspective into my world,

A changed world.

I can see how the things that once cradled me,

The things that became necessity,

They have turned into restraints, 

They kept me grounded as the child I was when I first came in contact,

But I am no longer the child I was.

So I question everything,

All my influences,

Who am I, really?

Is there a path that I have been predetermined to follow?

Or do I really have to chisel myself out of stone.

It makes me wonder if there is a higher power,

But I never understood,

How is there blind faith in a world driven by logistics?

Unless it isn't blind at all.

There is nothing that can change the past,

"We sense time moving forward because we have access to the past, but it's all there,"

What I did with my time has been done.

So why do I still wallow on it?

Does it truly define who I am?

Watching the world unfold in new colors,

I think I've been depressed ever since I gained the ability to think.

Depressed -- compressed -- halting back my full potential.

The big bang.

Awakening,

The start - but I'm so ahead,

Looking for long term gratification, within what I was doing while asleep.

It's time to wake up.

WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE  (A Pathetic Excuse of a Man in Control)

October 19, 2023

I watched them all yell and scream. They wanted me. They begged for my blood to boil. I couldn't take it. My legs began to walk; I couldn't tell you where I was going. I stared him in the eyes, staring through waterfalls. His face looked back at mine, a smile that said a thousand words, something along the lines of "it's okay." My face screamed in pain. My mouth said "no." I couldn't take it My head pounded. My eyesight drifted. My ears were ringing. I pushed open the door with two hands. My feet carried me until I collapsed sitting on the bench. My head fell through my hands. I cried. I was stopped by someone who had good intentions. But he didn't make me feel any better. Although his words of reassurance made sense that it would change my mood around, I found myself drifting further away. I wanted to be alone. It was all too loud. The noises from the inside, the noises from the outside, the noises from within my head. 

I didn't want her there. She makes my skin crawl. The very thought of her caring for anyone other than herself makes me sick. I couldn't take the words she was telling me. They felt scripted, almost as if she was reading out of a handbook meant for consoling lost children. She didn't get it, she never has, I wasn't the only one who saw that.

He found me in my spotlight. I was surrounded I felt. But his presence shook my head. I had clamped my arms around my ears. I grabbed my hands together squeezing as tight as I could. I could still hear everything. He comforted me in my time of despair. I wanted to scream as loud as I could. I wanted to push my head through the wall. But as he sat, I felt the warmth of his heart radiating through me. I couldn't take a breath, I tried and tried but I was too shaken. My hands only gripped tighter as the crowd began to form. I wanted to cut my skin open, release the blood from within. It was begging to escape the prison it is trapped in.

I wanted to be left alone.

Look up at me. Look into my eyes. All I could do was swallow my pride and stare into the depoths of the earth. I shook my head no. i wish i could have told him my story My life began to shrink as my body began shaking back and forth. I didn't know what I needed.

You would not believe the face that stared back at me when I looked in the mirror. Hopeless and beaten. A pathetic excuse of a man in control.

The praises got to me. I was not good enough. I can never be good enough. Did I try my best? I don't know. I started staring... what i was looking at i was unsure of. And all I could do was cry. I choked on my breath until my lungs gave out. I shook my head no, I nodded yes. I couldn't use my voice, it would be too noticeable I was a pathetic excuse of a man in control. 

You offered me your jacket. The tears had soaked through my sweater and I was shaking cold. I denied, even when your son offered a second time after you left. I had to say no. I couldn't take something away from you. I felt the kindness in your voice, and I was tempted, but I had to deny. I can't take anymore.

Don't let them get to you he said. But all I could do was hear them screaming over and over in the back of my mind. They wanted me dead and they wouldn't stop until I was.

Wanted: dead or alive.

He Who Holds Power Over Man

February 1, 2024

I bathe inside the filth my depravity has birthed

My eyes ache with each passing second

I don't want to live like this anymore

Yet I have no choice

It consumes me

I feel the hand of God reaching out

They beg me to stop.

And I stare them in the eyes and keep cutting.

Deeper and deeper.

I trace the veins in my arm,

Carefully considering my choice.

What will make me bleed just enough to cause me pain

But still remain invisible to an untrained eye

Why do you care?

He who holds the power over man does not hold power over me

A Letter to The Ghost I Have Forgotten

March 14, 2024

I sit in a room with my own isolation

I see your image flash across my eyes and I cower

I am afraid

I can't take the fear of losing you and the pain of having to avoid you at the same time

But I avoid only because I cannot handle it

The constant pressure of the past floods back to me

I remember how I was and it makes me want to be that way again

But I cant, for I have moved on

But every time I look into your eyes it is all I can think of

And I don't want to be thrown back into the void,

This time I fear there will be no escape.

This does not mean there is no hope for you

It means I cannot escape the grasp the void already has on me and I cannot let it take me again

You have no idea who I am

You have no idea.

You cannot compare the relationship we have to the relationship I have with anyone else

I choose to act how I act not based on the interactions I have had with others,

But because of the fear of the interactions I have had with you

I choose to act how I act not because I want to,

But because it is a necessity

I cannot stand the self pity

I cannot stand the constant crying for help and following

There is nothing I can do that could possibly help

I gave you everything I have, yet you still feed off of my thoughts like a parasite.

I give into my addictions to cope with the stress that you have placed upon me

I cannot get you out of my head

I am filled with fear, dread, anger

I cannot take the stress you place into my hands every time you want a text back, a look in the eyes, a wave in the hallways

I do not text back, I do not look, I do not wave

I ignore for my own needs

You have no clue who I am

You have no clue what I need

You cannot decide for me when I reply, when I look, when I wave

I leave my texts unread to get out of the void of my phone

I don't look because I remember the pain I have been through

I do not wave because I walk with my eyes low under my hat because I do not sleep

You do not know who I am.

you have no idea.

Cannon Fodder

July 21, 2024

Do you believe the masses?

You are the cannon fodder in this reality

Completely expendable

Don't feel bad. It is human nature.

Expel those that don't belong.

Hate differences.

24:4:13:11:50

October 30, 2024

Some people are more comfortable in hell

The fire is burning all around me

Yet there is peace within 

It dances around in synchronicity

I feel the burns covering my body

I am scarred forever.

I close my eyes and imagine my body full of cuts

I imagine the pain I would be in as I lay down to sleep

I beg for it

But I cannot let anyone see the marks I leave behind externally

I must do all the damage internally.

Lying from Within

March 10, 2025

There is something underneath my skin.

I can sense the presence of another being

So I start cutting

But all that shows is my blood trickling down to the floor

Is this my repentance?

They want me to believe I've sinned the sins of many men

But I am only one.

I can't quit my streak

Even though I'm the only one counting the days

Or my life is over and this is my funeral

Do you think they would understand why I did it?

If these walls could talk they would tell the story of why my thoughts are displayed on the ceiling,

For everyone to dissect.

Take a closer look. 

Do you know where I'm coming from?

I scarred away 5 years of my life

And will I throw it away for 1 day?

For 1 man?

is it even worth it.

I can't take the burden of being a burden 

Because there is no one left to listen

They all slipped away with time

And the only one who desires does not deserve my attention

Condescendingly giving opinions as if I am one to listen

And still I greave because my time on earth has expired

And no one;

No one;

Can save me but myself.

Finals

April 12, 2024

He said he was proud of me. Am I even deserving of that? I feel like I've failed every person I've ever tried to impress and they all lie through smiling teeth. I just can't ever do anything right. Am I the issue? Am I just a product of my environment? And if the 2nd one, were my parents really that bad? Or was everyone just wrong. You cannot trust what I say, not about a story that I can only tell from my perspective. I'm the only one that has lived from my perspective. So maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe I'm sensitive. Maybe I'm just wrong. But, he said he was proud of me.

Do I feel loved? Does asking that question already give me the answer I'm looking for? I don't know. I don't know! I must work harder, be better. I must push through. Results are the only thing that matter. No one sees the practice you put in, no one gives you credit for the practice you put in. I just can't ever do anything right. Do you feel the pit in your stomach opening as you read my thoughts I so desperately scream down on this page? It was never meant for you. Do you question the light behind my eyes as the fluorescents reflecting off of them? There is nothing behind them, it is all a facade. But, He Said He Was Proud of Me.

Retreat

April 16, 2025

I was under attack, they screamed and yelled, hyping themselves up. All I could think was " why am I not like them?" I was on the ground. My arms squeezed my head until all I could hear was the blood rushing throughout my body. But still I heard them, louder and louder with each passing second, I couldn't bear to ask for help, let alone move.

She grabbed my head to try and help, and I admit it did feel comforting to know someone was there, but I had to do it myself. He gave me his earplugs, but still they weren't enough, I needed absolute silence, I needed isolation, I needed deprivation. He made me follow him to the back, with hopes of a quieter area, but the voices reverberated on all the walls, bouncing back and forth around my skull, I was again stuck on the ground.

Am I making this all up to feel comforted by what can be viewed as a tiny act of kindness, not even kindness, but normalcy? Because when he took me out of that room, and continued to allow me to move further away when it was going to get loud, was that kindness? Or was that normalcy? When he let me leave the group to sit on the sidelines, when he warned me he was going to shout, when she made sure I was okay without him even saying a word to her, was that kindness or normalcy? When they ignored the fact that I was rocking back and forth, tensing all the muscles in my arms and legs, pulling my hands apart, was that kindness or normalcy? When he let me walk with him out of a different exit, giving me a choice and accepting either answer, giving me the sense of control over an uncontrollable situation, was that kindness or normalcy? When he waited patiently as I stumbled through my words, trying to figure out what to say, stuttering and restarting every few seconds, and apologizing every time it happened, was that kindness or normalcy? When he let us sit in silence waiting for everyone, giving me the choice of staying or going, was that kindness or normalcy? Because when I said thank you, he acted like it was no big deal, but I've never felt that seen by anyone before.