it is the third summer in a row that i am spending obsessing over England. i have an ostensible and deep-rooted desire to be a brit. it's just so alluring, really. for the past two days i've been listening to chelsea dagger non-stop, on saturday i am going out to watch england play in the world cup. anglomania is such a summer feeling for me and i just can't and don't want to resist it. 

and it's truly horrible and obscene. i've never been to England, i don't like colonialism and i don't even find the country to be all that enticing, in fact i hate it a fair bit and it is the complete opposite of what i would want in a place. it's grimy, gnarly, quite nasty at times, and everything about it elicits a feeling of decay. and yet i can't help it. i love the clash and the sex pistols, i love the gallaghers, both chav and posh cultures are equally incredible and disgusting to me. i want to root for harry kane to score a goal, i want a pint, i crave violent acts against nigel farage, i want insanely humid summers with no air conditioning and a ban on vapes. 

and, oh, it's so torturous. moscow is nothing like london or manchester, i imagine. it's nasty in its own way, of course, but i highly doubt it's the same kind of nasty as doing heroin, stepping out onto the street as you start getting severe withdrawals along with your mate Oliver who gets affectionately called Olly by virtually everyone you know, and seeing Birmingham laid bare before your eyes. but I dont get that in Moscow, obviously. it's stale, uninteresting and deeply artificial. simultaneously it lacks the dirt and is so dirty that you want to puke your guts out. and from this cage I dream of London, profusely and desperately, like a man dying of thirst and asking somebody to waterboard him with piss.

recently have been thinking about, well, i guess people. urgh gods yes you are so profound and measured, thinking about other people, so refreshing to have you out here in the world. 

but, yes, people in my life and all. i've been noticing that I struggle to relate to many things. emotionally, culturally. socially etc. not in the way that i am some kind of niche indie person, just that I am horribly adjusted and grew up in a very self-isolated manner. I've obviously always had friends and the like, but I think mentally at some point I had created a sort of wall that shelters me from being influenced by them, and that has led to both not being able to understand people and to have an ego that stands solely on the fact of being "exceptional" even if I don't actually posess that quality in any manner -- it bothers me how ordinary i am, really. i struggle with understanding how others think, with being empathetic towards many of their problems even though I am SYMPathetic, with, I don't know, being sort of culturally acclimated, although that more so plays into my rejection of other cultural markers of being from moscow and growing up here. 

it's really not that I don't care about others, I do and quite often deeply so. however, the fact that I can't seem to maintain my presence in friend groups and such is quite bothersome, and it probably should be more apparent to me that losing so many friends over the past 6 years is maybe concering. again, i care a great deal about the people around me, but im so infinitely petulant and needy that I just can't bring myself to embracing many of them, and I end up maintaing a certain distance from them instead of ever integrating. i think of myself in a manner that's isolating and doesn't help me get anywhere in life at all. it's starting to become a problem. 

i've been thinking about politics a lot lately. i say that like it's news, but i genuinely have been pondering how our personal politics play into our image and how most are weirdly relucntant to engage in them purely based off the fact that somebody might take it the wrong way.

when i was writing my paper on consumer activism for uni, some of the people i interviewed flat out said things like "i am scared of being perceived as an activist" or "i just don't present myself like that online" (when speaking about posting about socio-political causes online). and, like, i get it, in a way, i think i weird out most of the people who follow me with how political i get sometimes (especially when it comes to israel obviously). so i don't necessarily judge. but how can you ignore, well, anything? how can you live life comfortably when so many abhorrent things are happening in the world? when thousands die? how can you possibly value the comfort of your life or your "online image" more than the life of another, at leats to the extent of not even speaking out about it privately? 

i don't understand, really, how can it be possible to not care. over the past few years, i haven't had a single week that was peaceful, in the sense that every single day brings heartbreak, hatred, anger, sorrow and grief for the people who suffer under bombs and rockets and torture. again, how little do you value, like, anything at all to be scared for how people perceive you online because you speak up about the plight of another? like jesus christ, there are CHILDREN getting their limbs torn off by rockets!!!! what the fuck does your next photodump matter in the face of genocide? and if your audience finds it weird, then maybe you should ask yourself whether that is genuinely the people you want hanging around you.

again, i don't judge, i am not a moralist nor a purist and i too play into the systems that uphold violence and opression. i mean, i doubt my jaded london is made ethically or whatever. but if you, i don't know, ever find it in you to care enough to affect change even in the tiniest gestures, i really hope you follow that feeling to wherever it leads you. 

i am not even saying that you have to, like, do something every single day, not necessarily. i don't know. the least you can do is care. that's a very western liberal way of looking at things, obviously, but not everyone has to be, like, into homosexual radical post-theory marxism. i barely read theory at all, really, because i just don't have the time. most people don't have time to read or to think, i guess. so, in this context, at the very least care about what happens in the world around you. like, i promise your iced coffees won't dissappear from existence and your niche whatever won't evaporate if you repost something on instagram. like i pinky promise you that. 

just realised that ED stands for both eating disorder and erectile dysfunction, so if a man were to get the former and decide to tell somebody about it he would probably get some weird looks or something of the sort. great to know, right?

nothing's going on, really, yet again. i'm at work and i have absolutely nothing to do and virtually no one to talk to. i mean, i do have things that i NEED to do, but i deserve some sort of break from it all, i think. as i've said before: i am quite lazy and uninspired in terms of productivity and my mind constantly drifts off to either procrastination or my more artistic pursuits, if one could even call them such. after all, i m a dilettante, a poser, a nepobaby, et cetera. i am all those things at once. good for me <3

my thoughts seem very centred around the idea of internet popularity lately, and i think that's very unproductive. i find it quite vain and pointless to think about it, really, yet i just can't stop it. being popular in the digital space seems quite alluring to me for whatever reason. i mean, i've always had thoughts of, like, how cool it is to be famous, even when i was quite young. recently i guess i've been finding myself a bit more creatively which has spurred on this thinking of like "i need to be hotter" "i need to be esoteric" "i need to be more famous", and it's all really messing with me because my desire to, like, present myself a certain way and to post certain things to express myself (whatever that means nowadays) feels inherently warped with the drive to be more popular. and i dislike it and find it quite jarring. i mean, i could never truly judge myself, since i have an ego and all those fancy things, but still it makes me anxious about whether or not anything i do is genuine. and i can't figure it out myself. clearly. it's all opinions-based so i guess it doesn't really matter, to be fair. 

and now that i think about it: i am not even, like, remotely popular or anything of the sort. i am not pointing this out as something negative, i just don't really understand my own desire to have #clout if it holds this little relevance to me and my online presence, it's all just so odd.

im thinking of doing these more regularly because it's fun and helps me remember what new horrors i've learnt about humanity recently so another line of things that i'm forced to be concerned with:

euphoria season 3, hungarian opposition wins, "gen z creative directors be like", tucker carlson's merch line, fraud in academia, trump as jesus christ AI image, fakemink coachella performance, nuclear warfare, katseye AI monalisa video, AI pornography, there is just so much AI, r/kitchencels, "this subreddit posts male living spaces", teenager throws a moccasin at Lenin in the mausoleum, facial surgery and bottox, chainsawing ryan murphy and sam levinson in half, male baldness discourse, racial profiling in the subway, sabrina carpenter racism allegations, failure to prevent genocide, church bells, egg-cracking during Easter, anne hatheway is on letterboxd, neuro-Zhirinovsky, course on AI in university, clavicular and woah vicky, gender identity, bodies as meat, sex pistols are one-album wonders, noah dillon's photography, israel shells lebanese villages, death to the idf, six seven, the man who married a robot, hasan piker, earthly delights, sense of self, catatonic, zohran mamdani, white people smoking coco puffs, fishing in california, trump threatens to wipe out civilisation, erehwon smoothie