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CENTRAL IDEAS
Katherine Morgan Schafler's "The Perfectionist's Guide To Losing Control" explores, redefines, and challenges readers' understanding of perfectionism vicariously through anecdotes, client encounters, gently delivered harsh truths, and powerful reframes.
Opposing the concept of a "recovering perfectionist", Schafler emphasizes the multifaceted nature of perfectionism and adaptive perfectionism's inherent, unstoppable power when harnessed and yielded properly. The author does an excellent job emphasizing this by introducing the various types of perfectionists she has encountered through client work, whether classic; Parisian; procrastinator; messy; or intense, with highly individualistic and interchangeable tendencies.
With countless lived and listened experiences, Schafler confronts and aims to redirect the internalized beliefs of maladaptive perfectionists towards practicing self-compassion as opposed to self-punishment, reclaiming self-worth and disconnecting said worth from in/external achievements, recognizing the value of and seeking connection, attempting shifting thought perspective, growing comfortable with the fluidity of life, exercising decompression and restoration, and to not shy away from feeling your feelings.
"The Perfectionist's Guide To Losing Control" very thoroughly, effectively, and compassionately guides maladaptive perfectionists to embrace, not eradicate or minimize, their perfectionism and themselves. For those struggling with channeling their energy into accountability but with self-compassionate and intention, this book serves as a powerful tool to gain new perspectives and push yourself past unhealthy, but familiar habits.
"Procrastinator perfectionists aren't skimping on the self esteem; they're painfully aware of their gifts. Painfully aware, that is, because procrastinator perfectionists live in the space knowing you have a gift you want to share (romantic love, talent, a new idea, etc.) and not feeling ready to share it." (Schafler, 2023, p. 13)
DISCUSSING THROUGH A MULTICULTURAL LENS
Though the exploration of perfectionism in "The Perfectionist's Guide To Losing Control" is substantial, the discussion of multicultural elements, with the exception of women's suppression, remains largely untouched within this work and a valuable next point of progression.
Western therapy, which focuses on individualistic beliefs, as evident in Schafler's advice on page 71: "The trick is to figure out how to excel based on your values, not someone else's value," may easily encounter a dilemma when met with a client whose culture is largely collectivist. Though not an ineffective or incorrect suggestion to offer, acknowledging and inviting culture into the spotlight creates space for cultural competency and humility, and subsequently, likelihood for connection between client and counselor.
SCOPE: ASIAN AMERICANS
Schafler's (2023) work places heavy emphasis on perfectionism being a "natural impulse; some people are born with a high propensity for it" with upbringing being a brief mention (p. 103). Borgstede et al. (2025) through assessment of parenting styles and birth order association to presence or absence of socially prescribed perfectionism (SPP), self-oriented perfectionism (SOP), and other-oriented perfectionism (OOP), "highlights the differential role parents have on maladaptive perfectionism, especially as it interacts with psychological distress" (p. 7). Conversely, "an authoritative parenting style was positively associated with adaptive developmental outcomes such as psychosocial competence (resilience, optimism, self-esteem, self-reliance, etc.) and academic achievement (Baumrind, 1991; Lamborn et al., 1991; Steinberg et al., 1994)" effectively shining light upon parental and cultural influence on (mal)adaptive perfectionism (Assaad, 2022, p. 13).
Beyond close proximity community effects, societal pressures such as the "Model Minority" stereotype have shown capability of affecting the manifestation of perfectionistic behavior. As provided by researchers Gloria & Guan (2020), "First, within the psychological and social dimensions, higher levels of maladaptive perfectionism were related to increased integration of parental expectations for achievement and internalization expectations from others to fulfill the model minority stereotype" (p. 254).
"A lot of perfectionists think they're driven by success when what they're really driven by is the avoidance of fear---two very different animals." (Schafler, 2023, p. 41)
References
Assaad, S. L. S. (2022). The effects of perceived parenting style on the development of perfectionistic tendencies and proneness to guilt and shame in young adulthood - proquest. ProQuest. https://www.proquest.com/openview/37fad01d24de3331dea71bc97070cc9e/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=18750&diss=y
Borgstede, B. K. (2025). Perfectionism in context: Authoritarian influence of parenting, birth order, cultural values and their associations with psychological distress. Personality and Individual Differences., 246, 1–8. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886925003344
Guan, T. C., Gloria, A. M., & Castellanos, J. (2020). Second-generation Chinese American female undergraduates: Psychosociocultural correlates of well-being. Asian American Journal of Psychology, 11(4), 246–258. https://doi-org.offcampus.lib.washington.edu/10.1037/aap0000209
Schafler, K. M. (2023). The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A path to peace and power. Portfolio/Penguin.
Tina Nguyen
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