It's 7 am, and it's cold in Colorado. I'm standing atop Horsetooth, a reddish-orange rock. I'm by the edge, the wind rushing through my hair. My cheeks have turned red, the tips of my fingers have gone numb, and my breathing is heavy from the hike and the anxiety.
I close my eyes, I'm taken back to the happiness and the joy, then to the sadness and pain, and then to the numbness, a feeling that I've been way too familiar with. "What if I jump?" comes to my mind, a type of thought that I'm all too well familiar with; it doesn't scare me like it used to.
I open my eyes, I look into the horizon and then down, I think again, "what if I jump?" My headphones are playing a sad Taylor Swift song. "WHAT IF I JUMP?" The thought is louder and I can't ignore it. "Who would miss me?" "Who would cry?" I think.
Tears are forming in my eyes, and I'm fighting not to show people that I'm about to cry. "Would anyone actually miss me?" "What difference would it make?" I close my eyes again. It's getting harder to hold down the tears. I can feel the water behind my eyes, and soon it feels like it's going to push my eyes out.
My mind is running at 100 mph, my thoughts are all over the place, my mind is heavy, and it's getting harder and harder to think straight.
"Mateo! Let's go!"
A voice breaks the silence and breaks through all of the thoughts in my mind. It's my sister Bailey. She always knows when I need her the most, even if it's subconsciously.
This wasn't the first time I had these kinds of thoughts, and I know it won't be the last. I might have won this time, but I know these thoughts will continue to haunt me for many more years to come.
Now it's 2023, and those thoughts still come to my mind. Some days, they overtake my body, and I can barely get out of bed. On other days, it's as simple as a toothache, but every day is a battle, a battle that leaves me with scars and wounds people don't see. I'm tired of fighting this unwinnable war with myself.