Critical Reflection

Paul Stephen

Autoethnography Essay

For this autoethnography project, I want to focus on my life as a whole up to this point. I want to share my experiences from the past living in a country like India and how my identity was shaped from those experiences. Then, I want to talk about my journey to the United States at the age of 10 and how that impacted me mentally and physically. Throughout the essay, I will focus on topics such as power relations, the inequities, and the injustices that I saw and experienced living in India and America. I will also include research and perspectives of people who lived in India and America. I will also include interviews with my parents and friends, and I will include their perspectives on how their identity was changed and how they saw us change. This autoethnography will help me self-reflect and critically reflect on my life and ask questions such as, who am I? Am I an Indian, an American, or Both? Through this reflection and the research that I do, I wish to answer these questions to learn more about myself and to truly understand how my experiences and my identity shaped me and made me the person that I am today.

life in India

I was born on the 8^th of December in 2000 in a city called Thanjavur India which is located in the state of Tamil Nadu. I grew up and lived in India for 11 years before I moved to America and during that time, I attended St. Johns Matriculation Higher Secondary School which still runs to this day. I have lived in America for 11 years now and while I look back at my past, I learn that living in India was so different in many aspects. The way we dress, the food we eat, the way we talk English, and the way you experience and learn your education at a school in India is so unique. In India, most of the schools have combined grade levels, in other words, there is no elementary, middle, or high school. When you enroll in a school and when you join a class, you will meet a group of 25 to 30 students and those students will be your classmates for the rest of your school life. Unlike here in America, where you meet new classmates every school year, it’s the complete opposite in India. I studied till 6^th grade in India, and I grew up with the same friends which started from kindergarten. As I stated before, the way you experience and learn education is so different because there are a lot of power structures and systems that are set in place that gives more power and authority to certain people including teachers and students. In a country like India, age and your ability determine the power that one person has over the other. When I was studying in India, all the teachers had the power to punish me for my actions and mistakes. Some students had the power to execute these punishments on other students who didn’t follow rules or guidelines that were set up by the school. I was one of the students who would always get punished either by a teacher or a student. I remember that I was punished many times for not having shorter nails or even having stains on my uniform. There were so many other rules that I also broke which I got punished for. In India, A student’s knowledge and ability give students power and they are also honored with trophies and badges every year. I came close to that honor once, but even then, I was not appreciated by anyone. If a foreigner comes to an Indian school to experience the lifestyle, they will automatically notice that individualism is the driving force in education. Every student needs to rely on their own ability to have academic success. In my life, I tried many times to reach that success, but I never did. In my time studying there, I never worked with groups. It was always direct instruction from the m teacher to the student and so I had to rely on myself. In my life, the only thing that ever mattered to me was my grades. As a student, I went through so many exams and tests where I would often fail. In India, getting a B grade is considered a failure. Getting the A grade matters, for your status in school, for the way others see you, and the way you are treated by others. There is a hierarchical system for every test that we do, where we are ranked from top to bottom based on our grades. The top five students get awards and the privileges that I mentioned before. I was always at the bottom and no matter how much and how many times I tried; I could never reach the top five. With individualism comes competitiveness to be at the top. To many, school and education are like a competition, where everyone tries to reach the top and I was part of that system trying to reach the top. To me, education was never about learning because I would always focus on getting to the top. This is the system that I grew up with in India, a system that promoted individualism were only a few reached the top, and unfortunately, I was not one of the few. Growing up in India was tough, but I’m grateful for those experiences because those experiences served me well when I came to America to study. All these memories and experiences shaped my identity in one way but soon changed after I moved to America. To me, life in America was the start of something new, a new chapter in my life, and a place where I could start over again.

Life in America

I moved to America in 2011 in the month of October and I moved to Knoxville Tennessee. Before coming to America, the only thing that I knew was that there were tall buildings, there was less pollution, and everyone looked and acted differently. These presumptions were made through the American movies I watched in India, but I soon came to find out that there were a whole lot of things that were different in America. I was not a first-generation student or a second-generation student, but I was 1.5 generation student. “The 1.5 generation consists of young people who were born in their countries of origin and completed their education in the U.S. and, thus, experience the most important aspects of adulthood In United States” (Benjamin, pg.19). I had the privilege of getting half of my education in India and the other half in America which a lot of immigrants go through. As an immigrant coming to America, I kept my traditions, religion, language, and culture at home while I continued to adapt and learn the new culture. As a newcomer, I noticed a lot of differences between learning in America compared to learning in India. The first thing that I noticed immediately when I attended school on the first day was the amount of interaction that happened around me. I remember the first class that I had on my schedule was a social studies class, and I noticed everyone sitting in a group. At this point the first question that came to my mind was, why is everyone sitting in a group? and I had many questions similar to this throughout my first day at school. “Culture shock is primarily a set of emotional reactions to the loss of perpetual reinforcements from one’s own culture, to new cultural stimuli which have little to no meaning, and to the misunderstandings of new and diverse experiences” (Alder, pg.13) Everything about the school and the culture of the school was so different from the food they eat to the way everyone communicates. It was a culture shock for me because I had never experienced life like this, especially in a school. I was treated with respect and kindness by teachers and students which only happened doesn’t happen that often in India. I was also welcomed into each classroom with open arms, and everyone just supported me and helped me adapt to the new culture. I believe that my race, ethnicity, and my cultural background played a huge role in the way others perceived me. I was also able to speak English which probably also helped me connect with people must faster. In terms of assimilating to the American culture, at first, it was it so uncomfortable to adjust to the norms of the culture because I never practiced them before, but I became comfortable with them soon after as I started to make friendships. “For the 1.5 generation immigrant youth, at an age where adolescents seek out belongingness by desiring to be like everyone else, differences are even more highlighted” (” (Benjamin, pg.147). I started noticing the differences, in the way the school and community function and I started to change certain aspects of myself in terms of the way I talked, the way I dressed, and the food that I ate. At that time, I thought that I had to make these changes in order to fit in with everyone, and I was able to do that. This process changed my identity in school. I did not notice this concisely about myself until I came to college, but throughout the years while I studies in America, I began to shrink my Indian-ness and I started to adopt the American culture. I read a blog from an Indian women who lived and studied in India as well as in America and her experience resonated with me because in her blog she said that “I tried so desperately to lose all the things that made me different so that I could fall into a dominant narrative that wasn’t mine and don’t need to be mine despite how much the world sometime made (and still makes) me feel otherwise” (Nikita, 2015). Her experience was so similar to mine because I so ready to give up my Indian identity to adopt a new identity when I didn’t need to. At that time, I was young I felt like I needed to change, but it would have been older in that circumstance then I might not have changed a lot. She also stated that “In retrospect? As much as I desperately wanted one label or the other to fit in an absolutist fashion, they never needed to: it’s okay to be who I am, the way I am. I think I fall somewhere between Indian and American; I am the definition of a hyphenated, hybrid identity” (Nikita, 2015). I believe that I also have a hybrid identity because of the way I am at school and the way I am at home. My school life and my home life is different which is reflective of both my cultures, but there are also times when I am perceived to act like an American by many Indian families which is fine with me. We are formed by our experiences, and it helps us survive and fit in the culture that we are part of. Living in America has had a huge positive impact on my academics and my social status which I’m grateful for. In terms of my academics, I felt so comfortable learning in this school system because there was so much support from my peers and teachers. In India, I was punished for failure, but in America, I was taught to welcome failure and accept failure. I was taught the growth mindset which helped me have success in many things including my grades in all my classes. The way the classroom operated was different for me, but it was helpful at the same time because I could always rely on someone for help. In India, we were individualistic, and I was focused on individual success, but in America, it was all about team and community success. I remember in 6^th grade, my first year in America, I received an award at the end of the school year which stated that I was “The most improved student of the year”. That was the first ever award that I received in a school, and it gave me the confidence and hope to achieve more. If someone would have told me in India that one day, I would get gone to America to get B.A degree in education and I would have denied that claim instantly. I’m a religious person and so I believe that everything in my life, everything that I went through these past 20 years happened for a reason and I’m truly grateful for those experiences and the person that I have become today because of those experiences.

Interview with family and friends

I decided to interview two different people for this essay. One of them was with my dad who is a 1.5-generation Indian immigrant. The second person that I decided to interview was my friend, Keven who is also a second-generation Indian. The reason why I wanted to conduct this interview was to see how the American culture shaped both my dad’s and friend's identity.

Interview with dad

Question: As a 1.5 immigration adult, what drove you to seek employment outside your country?

Answer: The main reason why I decided to seek employment here in the United States had to do with the fact that I wanted to get international exposure. As a young adult working in the IT (Information technology) business in India, I saw a lot of my co-workers and friend were able to find a job in America and that also motivated me to seek employment.

Question: When you first moved to America, how was assimilating into the culture? How did your co-workers treat you and how has your identity changed through the experiences that you had living here?

Answer: When I first moved to America in the year 2000, there were a lot of things that I had to adjust to. I couldn’t understand the way people dressed, the social gestures, food manners, and public conversations, but I was able to adapt to the American culture with the help and support of my managers and the team that I was working for. I would say that I learned a lot about the American culture from you and your brother. You attended school year from a young age, so you would friend and the American culture into our home, so I would say that over the years I learned a lot about the American culture mainly due to you and your brother and I still continue to learn more each and every single day. In terms of my identity, I will say that I have worked for so many international clients, managers, and many teams and I’ve also had the role of being a client or manager of a team, so I’ve gained a lot of experience throughout the years. I had to learn to conduct myself differently in my workspace here compared to how I would do it in India and I felt like I needed to make small changes in my life so that I will be successful in what I do.

How have you seen my identity change from my time growing up in India to where I’m at now?

I think you changed a lot from the time you lived in India to the time lived in America. In India, you used to be more of an introvert and a quiet person but over the years you have become more of a social person than before and part of that has to do with the advancement in technology, but also because of the freedom and flexibility you have while living here in the American culture. In America, you have more opportunities and support around you to help you achieve your dreams and I believe that you’re taking full advantage of that opportunity and support. I also believe that your mindset and work ethic have changed a lot from the time you started studying here in America. In terms of your identity has changed, I believe that you are able to adapt your identity to suit the culture and environment you grew up in which gave you confidence in yourself and your abilities. From the time you started studying here, I recognized that you gained more skills and abilities and I’m grateful for the opportunities you and your brother had to study in the American culture.

Interview with Keven

How would you describe your life growing up as a second-generation student? And what role did your parents play in shaping your identity as an American Indian while growing up in the American culture?

I was an Indian student who attended an all-white school, so I grew up with the American culture most of my life, but at the same time I come from a conservative family, so my family sheltered me from making too many friends. I would associate myself more with the American culture than with the Indian culture because I was born here. My parents and I are different in many aspects because they were born in India and they had their values and norms that believed in and followed, but for me, it was different since I grew up in America. I would also say that my identity was mostly shaped by the American culture because of the environment in that I lived and studied in.

How did you view me as a person when you first met me and have your thoughts about me changed as our friendship grew?

When I am growing up, I was always of the mindset that Indian parents are conservative and when I first met you I thought that your family was also conservative in the sense that they would control your life and the decisions you make especially because you are an immigrant from India, but as our friendship grew, I learned that you had so much individual freedom than me. I believe that this freedom has helped you live your life to the fullest and I also believe that you were able to adapt your life in both worlds in terms of living in the American culture and also following the rules and norms of the society, but also maintaining your Indian culture, traditions, and language.

Reflection

It was really interesting to hear about my dad's experiences living in American culture as a first-generation immigrant and also to hear from my friend who has lived in America his entire life. I believe everyone's experiences are unique and our identity is shaped by those unique experiences. Hearing about their life and how they saw me change as a person has led to my original thought that I have a hybrid identity. My identity was shaped by my race, ethnicity, and ability and I truly believe that the power structures that were set in place benefited me a lot when I was studying here in America which helped me adapt to the American culture. With that adaption came more resources and support that helped me live a successful life up to this point. I remember in my first year of school in America, a lot of people were intrigued by my culture and my ability to speak fluent English which also played a significant role in the process of adapting to the culture. I also come from a family who has light-colored skin, so maybe that also benefited me in my social life as well as my academic life in terms of the support and the friendships I’ve had. I would like to think that I’ve had more power and privilege here in America than in India which has also greatly benefited me. My family's financial and occupational status has benefited me because others tend to think highly of me. To conclude, I want to say that I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had from growing up in India to finishing my education in America. Life was rough at first, but everything changed once I moved to America. I also want to acknowledge that all this wouldn’t have happened if my parents didn’t get a Job in America, so I was fortunate in that sense. A lot of people don’t have the same opportunities that I’ve had and I am just grateful for all those past experiences and future experiences that I’m going to be part of. Finally, I would like to say that this assignment has given me a chance to analyze my life critically and it had helped me to understand my life and how I’ve changed throughout time. I would have never had the opportunity to do this if I was living in India, so I’m grateful for the fact that this autoethnography assignment was included in this course. I believe that this is not the end, but it is the beginning of new opportunities and new experiences, so I will look forward to adding more to this going forward.

Resources that I used in the autoethnography:

Adler, P. (n.d). THE TRANSITIONAL EXPERIENCE: AN ALTERNATIVE VIEW OF CULTURE SHOCK. http://positivedisintegration.com/Adler1975.pdf

Benyamin, N. (2018). The ethnic Identity Journey of 1.5 Generation Asian American College Students. The Ethnic Identity Journey of 1.5 Generation Asian American College Students (unco.edu)

Nast, C. (2015, July 24). Growing Up a Desi Girl: What it Means to be Indian and American. Teen Vogue. Growing Up in India and America Personal Essay | Teen Vogue