The Word

I have been known to be called many things in my life

Both rude and degrading but also sweet and teasing 

Nicknames like goober from my parents, or compliments like beautiful from past lovers

Insults like annoying from my peers or self-centred from past mistaken friends

And well, you eventually get used to it. Ultimately, you push past the negative and allow it to be white noise

But only recently have I begun to realize the toxicity these insults have grown to 

The usage of one word in particular 

Whispers of disgusting or quick mumbles of sinful as I walk down the school hall

Judging glares that shoot anxiety through my bones or harmful shoves that have me flinching away

They say such awful things and it’s hurtful to listen too

Hurtful to listen to that one word

They’re just words, sure, but now they’re words that the people watching me pass by cannot say

It’s words not many can say, or if they can they prefer not to, and honestly they should be forbidden and considered much more harmful than most words 

It’s using words that not only me but many others are trying to take back and make our own again but they just keep saying it 

And I can’t even fathom why

What does one get from saying such hurtful words used in a recent past for years and still being used?

What does a straight person get from letting the words fall past their lips?

And it’s only one word

Or maybe it’s things like;

Stereotyping me before even saying ‘Hi’ to me

Thinking that just because I dress this way I am instantly an emo

Snickering and calling me fatherless for my own expression of character 

Barking at me like I’m some kind of caged animal to laugh at 

Afraid to even touch me slightly because they might catch the so-called ‘disease’ I have

Telling me that I choose to be like this, I choose to be bullied 

Using the meaning behind gay as an insult

Mumbling lesbian like it’s a sin to even think of

Watchful eyes yelling ‘don’t look at me’ in the locker room or bathroom that has me turning on my heel to leave

Yelling ‘pan fucker’ while I open my locker to see my colours on full display 

Rolling of eyes and scoffing ‘pick a side’ when I get flustered over different people

Saying that my unchangeable feelings are just an excuse to be a slut of some kind or just a way to seek attention 

Letting that one painful word slip past smirking idiotic lips without even a second thought as to what the understanding and usage bound the word even  truly means in the long run or even just to people in general 

Each one happily calling me a-

Faggot.

Because clearly, that’s all I am

To them, all I am is just a sinful fatherless emo little pan fucking faggot that goes around screwing whoever I so please just because I feel like it making me some slutty whore here to spread the disease of unfortunately being gay to everyone else

I am a fag to them.

But to others?

To others I am… 

… I am brave because I am openly talking about my sexuality to whoever manages to hear, and explaining when asked questions

Powerful for being able to finally feel like I can express myself through how I look and present myself 

Compassionate to anyone else that requires that little amount of support and patience to discover themselves 

I am strong enough to not just step out of the comfy but tight and small closet, oh no, break both of the doors down and strut out like the Queen I am and not be bothered by the likes of angered fuelled idiots who just might be internalizing some things of their own

To others I am me! And that’s all I’ll ever be

I am not at all afraid to let my colours of pink, yellow, blue, white, black, purple, and green trail behind me proudly as I let myself feel and be attracted to whoever I do please without having any sort of twisted sexual desire connected 

Because that’s just me

I am extremely proud to be who ever the hell I want

And no way in hell am I afraid to show it 

Even after they call me slurs

Because I am taking that word back and changing it to something to be proud about, and I hope others can too

Because I am a faggot, and I am so damn proud to be one