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꘎♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡꘎
♥*♡∞:｡.｡ Melody｡.｡:∞♡*♥
That was her name.
A perfect name for the perfect girl.
·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .
We met in the fourth grade.
She bumped into me as she rushed to get out of the school doors in order to catch up to her many friends for recess. I stumbled over myself, watching my little book slip from my grasp and land on the floor before another kid pushed me down with it. Falling to my knees with a huff escaping my lips and my eyes brimming with tears.
That was until two small dainty hands were placed onto the floor in front of me, followed by the rest of someone’s body.
“Are you okay?” Her voice was high pitched but sweet and concerned, it made me look up at her.
One would think when meeting the one you fall for, you instantly find the person holding your attraction to be unexpectedly beautiful. Your breath will be harshly ripped away as bright colourful fireworks explode and the world seems to halt with the drop of a pin.
But when our eyes locked, crystal blue meeting dying violet, all I felt was fear.
I immediately scrabbled to pick my book back up and clutch it close to my chest before rushing out the door faster than she was. She calls, I ignore.
She knocks, I don’t answer.
I run past the preschoolers playing with chalk, past the playground the other children laughed and screamed over, past the basketball court, and all the way to the very far end of the vast park to where a small cluster of trees lay.
I fall down and rest against the tree as I let go of the breath I didn’t realize I was holding deep within my aching lungs. My hands shake as I replayed the incident presented not too long ago.
She was concerned. Why was she concerned?
Normally the other children would laugh and move on. Children seem to be ignorant and hardly self-aware. They have been for many years and through many different schools. Only showing kindness to spill their poison into my heart.
But she did not want to cause more damage. Why was that?
Before I could question it any further, I’m snapped from my daze when I hear the sound of feet smashing into the ground in a running pattern towards my location. Panic fills my veins at what the children might want this time.
I look over to see four girls, in my grade, almost out of breath stoping not too far away from me.
She was there.
All four look worried, concerned. She steps forward and sits down in front of me.
We lock eyes again, I shrink in on myself as she crosses her legs happily with a wide comforting smile.
“I’m Melody. That’s Saffie,” she points to a smaller dark haired-dark skinned girl dressed in a pastel pink dress. “This is Quientlyn,” a dirty blond girl a little taller than the other with shockingly pale skin and blue glasses. “and finally my BFF Julie!” She giggles as she points to the final dark brunette girl who is much taller, wearing black leggings and a grey hoodie with crossed arms.
Melody looks back to me, short light brown hair bouncing at the action as her smile has her eyes crinkling at the edges.
“You’re in Quientlyn’s class right?” I nod hesitantly at her question. “Coolio! What’s your name again?” She asks, her tone never losing that bubbly cheery pitch to it.
I hesitate to tell her my name. If I tell her who I am, she might just leave. Or even worse I’ll become attached to her only to have her leave afterwards. Or maybe she’ll use me like everyone else. Talk behind my back possibly.
But… she’s so… happy right now. And how could I possibly rid someone of their happiness?
So I muster up all the courage I can find within my small fourth grader body with a huge deep breath in and speak out.
“Cara.”
Her smile grows and I’m left confused as she stands up and outstretches her hand towards me.
“Well, Cara! Come on! We were just gonna start a new game!! Hurry up silly!!!” She giggles. Even though she’s positively bouncing with excitement and eagerness to ‘hurry up’, she waits patiently. Doesn’t move to rush me further.
She allows me to take my time. Knocks only once and doesn’t force the door down.
It baffles me that someone was willingly wanting to have my company around…
So, I indulge myself. “Okay.” Just this once.
Although, it wasn’t just one time. It became every lunch, every recess, every walk to each class, every happy good morning and tired goodbye at the end of the day, every day for the next few years. A new but very much welcomed rinse and repeat. It was different for me, obviously.
I’ve been hurt before. Hurt by the other children that would find my innocence and blissful attitude to be something they can take control of and use for different things. Silently pulling my heart and childhood away from me in small little pieces I didn’t even notice left.
But she did none of that. Rather she would find the steel lock shut anxiety-built doors that held strong for protection, never letting someone in or out, and simply knocked on them waiting patiently for an answer. And I opened it each time.
Regardless, it took time for me to allow myself that feeling of comfort and acceptance that yes I do in fact have a friend. A friend that embodies everything good and what a friendship should be like. And it was nice to have a friend after not having one for quite a long time. Even though we were on two sides of the popularity spectrum and people never understood why she stayed. But she did. She stayed, stayed being my friend.
The end of grade six came and everyone going into grade seven next year would be moved to a different High School as our school only went up to grade six. It hurt a lot to have all the people I’ve known since kindergarten go our separate ways, even if they weren’t that nice to me. I still cared for them.
Most were going to my new school, but my friends weren’t.
Saffie had to move to a different province in Canada, Quinetlyn was heading back to her home country, Julie disconnected entirely and we never heard from her again. Melody was moving to a school just outside of the town we lived in. It wasn’t far, and it wasn’t as if we would never see each other again or talk to each other, we just wouldn’t see each other every day anymore.
The year ended, everyone separated, and we had a tear-wrenching goodbye. Exchanged numbers on our brand new phones that made us feel much older and mature, and everyone promised to text each other every day.
It was hard, starting a new school again especially when everyone was just starting their teenage years. Everyone was confused and hormonal and trying to figure out who they were. Friendships broke apart, new ones formed, and romantic relationships were the new talk of the town. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy. Dates, secret hand-holding and meetups between classes and everything in between that is spoken about in the movies like “High School Musical”, only without the musical part.
I fell into the quiet again, being put in a class with kids who weren’t particularly nice. They were snobby and thought of themselves much higher than me simply because I held no connections. They would scoot away when I sat and it was okay. It wasn’t new but it wasn’t normal.
Then I found myself walking into the dark small little school theatre and I was quickly introduced to the world of Fine Arts. Drawing, dancing, singing, acting, writing all of it! It was all so wonderful and creative and just absolutely perfect! It was freeing and it allowed me and the other students that chance to not care because what we brought and showed was considered normal.
I made friends there! Ones I made all on my own, going up to them first! Sure it was completely nerve-racking, but I managed to walk up to them with a fake look of confidence and introduce myself. It made enjoying the world of Fine Arts much easier than ever.
All the while, me and Melody never fell out of touch. Not once.
Sleepovers, Halloween trick or treating, birthdays, ‘merry Christmas’s followed by ‘happy new years’, and many more. We spent countless off days and weekends wasting our time together doing whatever we wanted with a smile on each of our faces and laughter filling the air.
It was as if we didn’t even part ways, to begin with. I would tell her stories of my new school-sharing who I made friends, and how my teachers were-and she would do the same back to me. No secrets were left between us, both being open books and able to read each other even when closed sometimes. We leaned on each other with that sense of respect and trust of being able to hold something even when its farther away.l
But all of a sudden-
·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .
It was the summer before grade 8.
“Heyyyy” She texts me. Late July on a particularly lazy afternoon. Nothing too out of the ordinary, so I respond naturally.
“Hiiiiii” a smile makes its way onto my face mindlessly when texting my longest friend. I feel my phone buzz with texts from new friends and check them with a laugh when I come across the meme they send in a group chat before a notification appears at the top of my screen reading;
[Attachment: 1]
“I had my first kiss :)”
My laughter falls slowly as I tap the pop-up notification.
I open the picture to see a selfie. Melody looks at the camera with a huge smile as another person has their eyes shut as they kiss her cheek softly. They have long hair tied up into a ponytail with a face mask hanging off their ear. The two seem to be on a bus or some sort of transportation.
It's nothing graphic, and definitely not the real first kiss-probably taken after the fact-but still, I find that it takes me a second to respond.
“Ooooooo~ who’s that~????” I tease casually, though I don’t feel that same ‘casual’ mood.
“Her name’s Jayden!!! And she’s my new girlfriend!!!” I freeze. I don’t know why I freeze. Maybe to process, but what more is there to process?
Melody… is gay?
She is. Biromantic to be exact. And I didn’t think twice of it of course. But as I stared at the picture in front of me I can’t help but feel this ugly feeling of… jealousy?
Maybe…?
I sigh. Maybe I’m jealous that she found someone, kissed someone while I haven’t even tried yet. I’ve had crushes on countless different guys but those weren’t crushes, they were more so targeted attraction to have something to gossip about with the other girls my age. Nothing actually blossomed from them and I’m fine with that but I would most certainly be lying if I said I didn’t want a relationship.
I brush it off. It’s fine. It’s summer! I can worry about this later. So I send a happy ‘congratulations!’ message to her and move on.
Grade eight comes along and it's like after that interaction between me and Melody, I’m suddenly exposed to the world of LGBTQIA+. My friends and countless others come out as different unique sexualities and even genders that I’ve never even heard of until now. They explore themselves and question me if I’ve done anything like them but all I say is, “nope. I’m just the average straight ally!” With a laugh rolling off my tongue and not a second thought about it.
Gods how I wish that was true now. Because it’s not. After countless days of doubting myself, having others tell me different things-good and bad but mostly terrible-and constant researching, I found out that I’m not as straight as I thought I was or wished I was.
Demiromantic and demisexual is what I eventually settle on. Essentially, I do not care what the person of my affection’s gender may be, I just won’t feel that level of romantic affection until we’re friends for a while. No hookups, no blind dates, no love at first sight and no flirting just from looks. And it makes me comfortably satisfied.
Melody is the first I tell and she is more than welcoming. It made me feel giddy and safe to confide in her more often, have her open up more doors.
And everything’s okay again. Everything moves on as it always does. Melody texts me about her girlfriend and I reply with mostly one-worded answers behind a smile full of gritted teeth. Everyone around me seems to fall into their own relationships and it seems that I’m left out. Breakups, hookups, and at some point first kisses are a thing of the past and first times become more important. But I’ve never had either, and for a while, that’s okay to me because I still have my friends!
Grade eight, nine too and the fast-paced rush of grade ten starts. More and more relationships form. I feel as if I’m being left in the dust. Everything’s spiralling so fast as everyone around me is changing and growing and it’s all so new and different. I’m trying to find my place through all the chaos but it’s difficult, always has been just a little harder now.
Melody becomes single at one point in the massive chaos. Her girlfriend turning out to be a terrible person and leaving her behind without a second glance. She cries and cries and I have to listen from the other end of a phone feeling helpless to help her with only my comforting words that hardly do anything to soothe her. It made me… happier than it should, her breakup. Maybe it’s because she’s like me now, single and longing for that type of affection.
Yeah… that’s right, I remind myself as I feel another door start to build
Her movie birthday two months into the school year arrives, and I didn’t realize just how much I’ve missed her until I’m squeezing the absolute life out of her, each of us dying with giggles.
I barely hear her greet me when my mind starts clouding her voice. When did her eyes become that sparkling blue? Was that always there? Or how warm she feels and how toxic her smile is.
It’s fine. Probably nothing. A shake of my head and we move on.
We talk, and I meet her friends before the movie starts. We throw popcorn, trip over each other when trying to get to our seats, laugh loudly that we almost get kicked out and just overall have a wonderful time. The movie is nothing special, just some cheesy rom-com that we laugh over and make fun of while mostly running off of sugar highs and stuffed full of buttery popcorn.
But then she scoots closer and curls into my side. Her body warm against mine and I still before warping an arm around her back comfortably and relaxing. It just feels right and natural. Safe and comforting and I enjoy the movie just a little bit more when she starts to play with the rings stuck to my fingers, scolding me when she notices my hands are dry. We’ve cuddled before, held hands too, so what’s the difference right?
Apparently, a big difference as one of her ex-best friends texts me a week later in rage. Melody had pissed her off by accidentally spilling about this girl’s crush to someone else that had Melody’s whole school talking about it, so in return, she was texting me to spill a secret I’ve never heard of.
Out of panic, and respect for my friend’s privacy, I’m quick to type out my reply, telling her she’ll be blocked if she spills, but just before my finger hits the blue send button I see-
“Melody has a big FAT gay crush on you.”
My world stops.
My heart rate picks up.
My face feels warm.
My hands shake.
No no no, she’s lying of course. She’s upset so she’s finding a way to make Melody upset of course!
I block her and open up my text history with Melody.
“Dude, one of ur ‘ex besties’ just fuckin DMed me saying ur into me???? Wtfff????” I send, hoping to come off as a joke in order to not have her panic all that much.
“Oh…” is her response and I realize maybe I should’ve rewritten what I’ve said.
“Sorry, just wanted to let ya know that a bitch like her is spreading rumours like that”
“What if… it wasn’t a rumour…?”
What?
“W a t ?”
Everything feels too real right now. What does this mean? Why is she saying this?
Why do I want her to tell me it’s real?
“Sorry, idk, I just- I guess I kinda like you…?”
Oh no. I have to…
I have to reject her now… I can’t… I don’t feel the same. I’ll have to turn her down and ruin what we have and It’ll be all my fault and-
I give her a whole paragraph saying that she’s amazing and I never want us to part but I’ll have to reject her.
And that’s that.
Things move on.
They always do…
A steel lock door builds up. The sound of a weak knock comes and disappears as choked quiet sobs ring from the other side.
·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .
End of grade ten comes around and we have another sleepover just the two of us. I haven’t seen her in quite some time after midterms and second semester and personal family issues and everything in between getting in the way, so it was only reasonable to have a sleepover once things died down a little. A breath of fresh air and carelessness filled with bags of chips and bad decisions is what we decide on.
She knocks-she always knocks-I slide down the stairs eagerly, swing the door open with a little bounce and-
Fuck. She’s stunning.
Beautiful light brown hair curls on her shoulders and it seems so fluffy that all I want to do is reach out to see if it feels that way. A tight blue cropped tank top that highlights all of her wonderful curves that I wish to touch and long baggy jeans with a hip chain that I somehow want to twist between my fingers. Her face is so soft and just absolutely breathtaking I can’t look away. Her blue eyes sparkle when her mouth raises into her signature smile that I just have to return.
And I want to kiss her.
Fuck.
·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .
I can’t tell you when it happened, there was no exact moment in time. It was gradual.
It starts with her growing concern as friendship blossoms and from then on it sky rockets. Platonic gestures leave imprints into my mind, certain comments have me overthinking but it’s all pushed down and repressed in fear. Hidden behind a too big door with no key in sight
Fear of what? Rejection. Being left behind. Being alone. Ruining something so wonderful as what we share.
That’s where the jealousy and clinginess unfolds. It grows and grows and won’t stop until someone comes to break it. Just like an expensive plate falling to the ground. Pieces lost under counters and others not being enough to fix it.
It’s the last door she already knocked on, the one I’ve been hiding behind for years, but I didn’t open it so she turned around and no knocks came again.
·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .
A month passes afterwards. I say nothing, only come to terms with it and instantly find a way to burn it.
She moved on. I can’t find the lighter.
She starts talking about a boy who helped her pick up her papers after she dropped them like some cliché high school romance and instantly fell. To her, he’s perfect and wonderful.
To me, he’s the worst thing alive.
He doesn’t care for her. She deserves better. She deserves the world- hell the universe itself and he can’t see that. She doesn’t date him. But it still hurts to listen to.
I stay silent. She deserves better than me as well.
I am nothing compared to her. She is beauty and happiness, a blessing brought from the sky but all I am is a speck of dirt that managed to have the luck to stick onto her shoe. She needs someone who will pick the earth up with their bare hands and serve it to her whenever she wants, I can barely lift a box of books. She needs someone just as great as her.
That someone will never be me. No matter how hard I try, I will only ruin what little connection is left between us. That’s why this door stands between the now and something more.
·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .
We’re in a field.
Just a field of grass that is normally used for football games. We lay side by side and call out the different shapes the clouds above us make. Giggles are shared as some of the things we see are so utterly stupid. A misshapen cat, a dragon of sorts, a skinny beach dad, Santa and many more ridiculous things.
We’ve died down a little, letting the comfortable silence fill between us.
I look over to her.
I never want to look away.
She feels my gaze and looks to me. A smile followed by a giggle escapes her.
“What’re you looking at, silly?” She scrunches her face up in the cute teasing way she always does.
The words are out before I can even form them mentally.
“You’re so goddamn beautiful…”
The door cracks.
Regret floods my quickly reddening face. Confusion floods hers yet she still holds that, now awkward, smile.
“What…?” She chuckles out nervously, her eyes fleeting everywhere but my own.
“Fuck.” I sit up and run a hand through my fluffy short hair, staring down at my lap trying to regulate my heartbeat.
She sits up too and reaches to touch my shoulder. I pull back instantly as if her hand was laced with poison, standing up abruptly.
“Cara-“ She huffs as she stands up as well, forcing me to look at her.
“Just- ignore that-“ I grumble, swatting her away as anger slowly starts to build. It always does.
I can’t handle my sadness, so I resort to anger.
Crack.
“What-? Cara- hey dude! What happened-“ she reaches for my shoulder again, this time I shove her back.
She stumbles with a shocked expression, almost tripping over herself and falling to the floor. I feel regret seep deeper into my bones, shrinking in on myself with pain behind my violet eyes.
She straightens herself out, crossing her arms as her face contorts into rage. “What the fuck, Cara? What’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t know!” I shout at her, my hands gesturing everywhere. “So many things are just- wrong with me right now and I fucked it up!!” I reach up to grip at the strands of my hair tightly. Was the world always spinning?
Crack.
“‘Fucked it up’? Fucked what up?” She scoffs with a disbelieving raise of her brows.
“Us!” I gesture between us. “I fucked what we had up because I just couldn’t keep my goddamn feelings in check!!” I let my hands fall to my sides and my breathing quickens, scanning her face desperately as my mind scatters everywhere never gripping onto one thought long enough.
Her face seems to soften in a confused matter, her arms falling. “…what…?” She mumbles out.
I crack. The door falls off its hinges.
A breath. Then-
“For so long I’ve just- pushed them down!! Took all of these weird unwanted feelings deep deep down hoping that one day they’ll disappear because that’s what always happens!! I fall, crash and build myself back up again over and over and it’s fine it really is because I know I’m not gonna find that one person where I don’t fall and crash but you- you just-“ I run a hand through my hair with a pathetic laugh.
“You make it so hard to just move on!! You’re so sweet and kind and funny and smart and all of these sappy clichés bottled into one and it’s so addictive!!! You smile and I have to smile, you laugh and I have to, and you get so close that I think maybe I have a shot but then Mr. Chad over here steals your heart again and-“ a breath.
“You deserve the world- anything you could ever ask for you deserve because you’re just you and you’re so perfect to me!! But I can’t allow myself that satisfaction because you don’t feel the same anymore!!! You’ll reject me, I’ll loose you, and I will still always be trapped in this endless cycle of falling for friends because of some stupid fucking sexuality I can’t control!!! And I- I just-“ I finally pause.
Silence falls between us. Thick and heavy. So thick you could cut it with a knife but heavy enough that the knife would shatter upon impact. Her captivating blue eyes are wide, lips parted slightly.
My breathing is off the charts, my heart rate not too far behind as my mind tries to catch up to what just happened.
For the first time, I have no more doors to hide behind.
I swallow and manage to speak again.
“I’m so… desperately in love with you, Melody… and it hurts.” I sniffle as tears start to form at the corners of my eyes. They threaten to spill over and burn across my cheeks just like my insides that killed every last butterfly and hope and now threatens to crawl out.
“I… guess I felt like you should know… just… reject me now so I can finally move on…” My knees are weak as I choke back a sob, raising my arms up to tightly hug myself.
Melody stands speechless. Stunned silent. Her eyes are distant as her gaze travels over almost every inch of my face.
Then…
She opens her mouth…
And-
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-ˏ͛⑅ ‧̥̥͙‧̥̥ ̥ ̮ ̥ ⊹ ‧̫‧ ⊹ ̥ ̮ ̥ ‧̥̥‧̥̥͙ ⑅ˏ͛-
My hands freeze above my computer keyboard. They shake only slightly above the different letters as I stare blankly at the pages of words written into the doc.
It’s supposed to be a sweet love story between two childhood friends. Nervous outcast and popular people pleaser. Fluff, angst, slow burn all of it compiled into one, plus it’s gay. It’s a cliché obviously.
But… it’s no longer just a story.
It’s become too real now.
Melody is supposed to comfort Cara now, accepting her feelings and the two receive a happy ending sealed with Cara’s first kiss of course. Celebrations and cute dates ensure. Fluff sweet enough to give someone an instant tooth ache from it all as the characters live their life and everything is well, leaving the reader feeling warm a fuzzy in the end.
But…
I can’t will myself to finish it off… I don’t know how.
I stare at the words. It’s… no longer a storyline about two made-up characters…
It’s me…
And I don’t get happy endings…
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-ˏ͛⑅ ‧̥̥͙‧̥̥ ̥ ̮ ̥ ⊹ ‧̫‧ ⊹ ̥ ̮ ̥ ‧̥̥‧̥̥͙ ⑅ˏ͛-
Melody opens her mouth before she closes it. She huffs and turns on her heel leaving me there alone…
I’ve ruined it all…
I start building doors.
The end…
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