Free

“I don’t love you anymore!” 

She cries, her eyes looking everywhere frantically.

“I gave up on trying to love you!” Her hands rush to her head, pulling at the seams. 

I stand in stunned silence, simply watching her from a few feet as rain drenches us both. 

Ironic.

“You just… made it so fucking hard! You’d… you’d control me and expect me to follow!” She heaves out heavy breaths and her eyes are puffy red and tear-stained.

“But I can’t! I can’t pretend I love you anymore, because I never did to begin with!!” She gestures blindly with fake laughs rolling off her tongue. 

It holds no joy, no heart. Just bitterness.

And anger.

I grit my teeth and take a hard step forward, watching her flinch. “Well then why did you care in the first place?!” I shout at her.

“Because you, them, everyone made me care!!” She steps forward as well. 

I roll my eyes. “You’re being a moron! You’ve gone mad!! Just-“ I scramble to find the right wording, only to have her beat me to it.

“Shut up? Huh? Is that what you’re gonna tell me?” She scoffs, I watch her with wide brown eyes. 

“Tell me to head back inside and have you love all my issues away and then take back the controls?!?!!” More crystal tears fall, colliding with the rain. The sky cracks above as if it feels her pain.

“I spend weeks inside that goddamn house while you’re out doing god knows what during the day!! I’m praying every night to find the key to escape even when all the doors and windows are open, but then you come back again and that single chance is gone!!” She throws her hands up into the air. I watch her, confusion spreading over my face.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means that I’ve tried to leave you, key in hand ready to go, but they won’t let me access the lock, then you tuck the key back into the little drawer and it’s like I’ve reset a video game again and again and again!!” She huffs out a breath. I huff out a breath.

“Until… until I-“ she stutters, her mouth hanging open unable to finish the sentence.

“Until you break…” I mumble for her. 

Our eyes lock for the first time tonight. 

Soaked dark eyelashes covering grey irises that shift in colour meet dark brown ones. 

“I just want to be free…” she sniffles, raising her arms up to hug herself tightly, shivering in her soaked clothes as more rain beats down onto her skin. 

The cold hasn’t fully settled in for me yet, or maybe it’s always been there…

“But being free means I can’t… I can’t live…” A sob racks through her body, her knees shake. 

I can’t tell if it’s the sky that cries or if it’s… me…

She takes a shaking breath in, watching the small puddles of water form under her soaked-through shoes. “Every day I’m alone. Alone with my thoughts and with my feelings and with everyone else’s expectant gazes. I’ve realized that I’ve never loved you, I only loved the proud smiles they wore.” She looks back up to me.

“I don’t think you ever loved me too.” She laughs softly again, a shake of her head following right after. 

“I think you were scared. I think you didn’t know anything but control. I think you’d force it onto us both. Taken after what your father has done and applied.” She rubs her hands up and down her arms, her breath being visible when she breathes out. “I remember your father said-“ 

“‘If she isn't devoted to you, make her. She’ll follow eventually’…” I recite mindlessly.

She nods. 

“Exactly. And you did just that.” She pulls at the collar of her shirt uncomfortably. 

“So what now…?” I ask softly, enough so that she barely caught it. 

She sighs with a shrug, walking closer to me. She brings a hand up to my cheek, letting our foreheads rest against each other. 

“They already know. They already know we feel nothing. Force no longer works. Control is just a word now.” She’s trying to keep her composure. I can tell she is. 

We both know what happens next. 

“Please, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean- I don’t want- you can’t just-“

“Shhhh.” She whispers softly, placing a soft kiss on my cheek and pulling back with a hurt smile. 

“We tried, didn’t we? I think that’s what matters. We had our chance, but we didn’t hit the target just right.” She hums to herself taking a step back.

“I’m glad it was you though. I wish we held a love between us.” She smiles, something hidden deeper behind it.

Something I can’t let slip through just because of some stupid laws, guidelines. 

She may no longer be my love but that never meant she stopped being my friend.

I notice her walking away and instantly rush to grab onto her again.

My hand touches her shoulder and-

“FIRE!!!” 

A gunshot roars.

I remember her favourite colour was always red. Because it was covered over the woman who were free…