Youth Sports Thoughts

YOUTH SPORTS THOUGHt 2025

Youth sports gives us a unique opportunity to teach life lessons that extend far beyond the field. One of the biggest lessons….. Learning to Control the Controllable's.

Like many of you, I never want to see my kids feel hurt or let down. But over time, I’ve come to understand that these moments, although painful, are inevitable—and essential. A few weeks ago, one of my teams experienced a tough loss. The score wasn’t close, and the players’ emotions reflected that—sadness, frustration, even some tears. Soon after the game I started to hear the “blame game” begin from my players—referees, absent teammates, missed calls, things that were unfair . As I walked to the end game huddle I felt bad and started to feel like I should have done something more to shield them from their pain—but then I realized something different: my job wasn’t to protect them from the pain of disappointment, but to teach them how to process it move forward.

At that moment the true teachable moment showed itself: Control the Controllable's —We can only control our attitude, our effort, and our response to challenges. At that point our post game talk dealt with what we did well, how hard we played, examples of when players stepped up in the face of difficult times, and what we learned from this experience that will make us better. As the end of the year comes and “playoffs” start, remember to help teach this lesson. I believe our job as parents and coaches isn’t to shield them from failure or difficult times, but to help them navigate it.

Another quote I love:

“Your success is not my failure.”

Let’s continue encouraging our players to support one another, to compete with integrity, and to focus on their own journey. These are the moments that shape them—not the scoreboard. Just a thought!

Youth Sport Thought #2

2024

I was watching a 1/2 boys game a week ago when the Old Tappan team lost by one. As the boys left the field some were disappointed by the loss and some had no clue. But I was struck by what happened as they reached the parent side of the field some 30 seconds later. They were met with hugs, a pat on the head, a comment like “Wow you worked hard, nice job!” and the all important Munchkin. In that moment I believe the fact of losing was turned into the development of RESILIENCE. The players’ effort was rewarded and praised. Unconditional love was expressed reinforcing that “losses” will happen but we are still here for you. The love and enjoyment of play was preserved to inspire them to play another day. They were taught that setbacks happen and do not define us. Instead, these setbacks are a part of sports and growing up. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK PARENTS!

Next week 3rd- 8th grade teams will start playoffs and our fall season will start to come to a close. During this time I am also struck by attendees during these games losing sight of those valuable lessons of Resilience and character development which I saw so strongly during the fall season. Why does that change for so many people during the playoffs? Why does the pressure go up to a boiling point on our kids at such a young and vital stage of self esteem development? I believe the answer is us as parents. We are responsible to set and reinforce the values and priorities. John O'Sullivan said during one of his talks last week that “Winning is not a dirty word, it's what we are willing to sacrifice that makes it dirty.” Just a thought……..Keep those positive lessons going.

Craig

Youth Sport Thought #1 2024
Why They Play

The other day I asked my 15 year old son “Why do you play Soccer?” His response: “AHHHHHHHHHHHH…”(this went on for a while) “Duhhh because it’s fun” he replied. Being the nosey Dad, I prodded more. “Why is it fun?” I said. “AHHHHHHHHHH” (again this went on for a while). “Because I get to play” he said, with a leave me alone kind of look on his face. Knowing that I had reached the end of Dad allotted annoying time I dropped it for the time being. My conversation, if you want to call that, reminded me of an important question. Why do kids play? As I was writing this I decided to yell down to a different 3 boys playing Fortnite in the basement “Guys, why do you play soccer?” Their responses … “it's fun, playing with my friends, I like scoring, I like slide tackling, I like kicking the ball.” Then after a moment of silence they happily went back to playing on the xbox. I bet if you ask your child they will say something similar. But you know what they don't say in their first few responses: “Winning.”

In John O'sullivan's book “Changing the Game” he states

“They do not play to win. They like to win, they enjoy competing, but they do not play to win. They play to have fun (always #1), to be with their friends, to feel good about themselves and because it is exciting. “ John goes on to quote research from Dan Gould from the University of Michigan. “They want parental support and encouragement . They want you to watch them play and praise them for their effort. They want you to be realistic about their ability. They want you to be present and interested in what they are doing…Yelling at their coach, the official, and them, is not.”

Sure winning is fun but it's not the top reason why our children play or why they consider it fun. When you see our coaches standing along the sideline this year they will be wearing their Old Tappan Soccer shirt with a simple message on the back “Focused on Fun.” This year I ask you all to give the children what they want and enjoy their smiles as they do it…. Just a thought.

2023 Youth Sports thought #3

Sometimes when it rains you need someone to give you an umbrella.

I hate the rain these days for obvious reasons but at the same time, it has given me something as well. I was standing at a field that was not closed for some reason about a week ago with water dripping down my face and saw two kids standing in the rain. A parent walked over and handed them an umbrella. When it rains sometimes you need someone to give you an umbrella. A few moments later the one child jumped out from under the umbrella and eagerly went to play in the rain. We can’t STOP it from “raining” (like losing) or STOP our kids getting “wet” (hard times and challenges) nor should we. We can support them in the process and offer them an umbrella to give them strategies on how to deal with it. Over the past few weeks, there have been so many people who have offered me an umbrella. They have done this in many ways. Instead of practicing Mark Torre has brought his HS boys’ varsity team to train our Pre-K and K after they have had so many rainouts. I have had coaches reaching out to attempt to make up games only to have them rained out again. Soccer board members, coaches, and 7/8th graders have volunteered to ref when no one else can. An OT team was understanding when they showed up at a game that had been canceled but my communication trail had broken down. Parents, coaches, and our children alike have shown an amazing amount of flexibility and understanding with last-minute changes and cancellations. To all of you, I want to say a big thank you for all the “umbrellas'' you have offered the program and our children. I'm amazed to look into the future forecast and see we may need our umbrellas again this weekend. In the meantime, my team actually got to play this past weekend and we lost. However, learning how to handle yourself when you lose was the umbrella that we offered our team this past weekend. Maybe, just maybe, learning how to deal with a loss or a rainy day is the real gift we can pass on to our kids and each other. Just a thought.

2023 Youth Sport Thought #2

Although it has been hard, we have had a few games over the past few hot or wet weekends. During those games I hope that you have possibly taken notice of two things. First is the statement on lawn signs placed around the field. If you have not been lucky enough to have a home game yet, the signs read “Our children are playing and officiating today please respect all.” Second, you may have noticed our coaches wearing their coaches’ shirts with a saying on the back which states “Focused on Fun.” The essence of these two statements all played out as I watched a ½ girls game the other day. It was raining. Our team was sharing players with the other team because they didn't have enough players. The coaches were attempting to organize chaos in the rain. The center ref was a nervous HS freshman running the game for the first time by himself. Yet as I watched the game unfold from the side I heard the greatest thing. It was giggling. A girl was giggling and smiling as she tried to kick and run after the ball down the field. I smiled and thought to myself, “this is why we do it.” Kids playing and having fun, teams helping out when others don't have enough players, a child learning to giggle at themselves when mistakes are made, a young ref gaining confidence while doing things on his own. At that moment it was all worth it. The next time you are watching I hope you all take a minute to recognize and enjoy moments like this. We all need to be careful not to let outside forces take away the giggles and emerging confidence of our children. I hope we all can try to help our families remember that when results try and take over. Our refs aren’t perfect, they’re learning to become better. Our children are not perfect, they’re learning to become better. Our trainers are not perfect, they’re learning to become better. We are not perfect ……but that's not the point. Just a thought!

Youth Sports Puzzle #1

“The car ride home”

This is an excerpt from John O’Sullivan’s book “Changing the Game” that has given me tons to think about.

“Numerous researchers have asked athletes of all ages and abilities what was their least favorite sports moment, and their answer was nearly unanimous: After the game and the conversation on the ride home. Emotions are high, disappointment, frustration, and exhaustion are heightened for both player and parent and yet many parents choose this moment to confront the child about a play, criticize them for having a poor game, and chastise their child, their teammate, their coach, and their opponents, There could not be a less teachable moment in your child's sporting life than the ride home”

“Ask yourself whether you are quieter after a hard loss or happier and more buoyant after a big win. Do you tend to criticize and dissect your child’s performance after a loss but overlook many of the same mistakes because they won?”

“When your child is ready to bring the game up and talk about it, be a quiet reflective listener, and make sure she/he can see the big picture and not just the outcome of a single event”

Watch the John O’Sullivans TED talk (I have provided a link below. It has changed how I talk to my boys right after the games. Because of this video, all I say is, “ I love watching you play” or some slight variation. There are times when I am dying to “point something out” and it takes every muscle in my body not to say something on the way home. However, I have discovered for my kids this is not the time to correct or teach. For my family, it’s the time to say “I loved watching you play”. You can talk about other stuff later when and if the time is right. Right now all they need to hear is your unconditional love for them. Watch the TED Talk below if you have not already done so and if you haven’t used this phrase I highly suggest giving it a try. Just a thought

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXw0XGOVQvw

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