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We got an email last week from someone who lost a friend. Not just any friend died, her best friend died. The kind of friend that is family. You know the kind of friend I mean. Here is a little clip from her email:

I have had a terrible time finding anything online about losing your best friend. She was my closest, dearest friend for 25+ years. We lived less than a mile apart. We were like Oprah and Gayle best friends, you know? We vacationed together, etc. She was never married and I'm divorced, so we didn't have the distraction of families. I have a son but she was childless and loved my son like her own. He's grown, though, so we were able to hang out daily as best friends often do when they're younger, before marriages, etc.

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Of course she is right, we know she is certainly not the only person dealing with this. Yet off the top of my head, I couldn't remember reading many articles specifically on coping when a best friend dies. This, of course, inspired me to do a Google search to see what's out there. That turned up a few sites on losing a pet (your other best friend) . . .

Anyway, all of this is just to say that this post is not going to be about all the general ways to deal with grief. We have a zillion other posts on coping with grief in a zillion different ways. All types of loss have their unique challenges and this post is going to be about what makes dealing with the loss of a friend uniquely difficult. Ready?

Aristotle described deep friendship saying, "What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies". Plato reflected deeply and extensively on the nature of friendship and love. Thousands of years later, psychologists are helping us understand why friendship is so important.

We know from a review of 148 studies on friendship that there is a 50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships. Yup, people with good friends live longer and are healthier! Spending time with friends actually reduces stress in women by increasing their oxytocin levels, friendship has been linked with lower rates of hypertension and heart disease and women with breast cancer who had close friendships were found to live longer than those who did not.

I can throw all this friendship data at you, I can share the CS Lewis quote I love, Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival", but at the end of the day it is something that feels impossible to describe.

Friendship is deep and powerful and amazing, but it is hard to really explain why. If you have a close friend you just know what I mean. No surprise, when a friend dies, like when a family member dies, we don't "get over it". We learn to live with it. It may get different, it may get easier, but it is always with us.

You know that your friend is family, that you love them as deeply, maybe even more deeply than your brother or your mom. Plato and Aristotle knew. But society in general? That is another story. Society often values family relationships over friendships. There is a weight given to your relationship with your parents or siblings or grandparents or spouse that comes from the title alone.

Somehow talking about your bestie often doesn't feel like it carries that same weight. Ironically, your relationship with that friend may have been as, if not more, important. This can feel especially crappy when a friend dies and those around you don't give you the same support and validation that they would have had it been a family member.

This isn't always true, but if you didn't know your friend's family members they may not understand the nature or depth of your friendship. This could be because they didn't know you, your friend didn't talk with them about you. They might not get it for some of the same reasons society doesn't.

You may want to connect with them, share memories, and be part of memorial events. Unfortunately, they may not be as welcoming as you imagined. This can make an already impossible time feel even harder. You're left wanting to scream "I loved her as much as you did!!!!" at them.

This one always feels weird or self-involved to talk about it, but it is a fact so let's all just get over it. When people die it brings up our feelings about our own death. This can be especially true when it is someone who is "like" us and our friends are often "like" us. Research proves it - we are often friends with people who are similar to us in age, health, socio-economic status, education, and who are even genetically similar to us. For real! When they die it is a reminder that we will die and, who knows, it could be soon.

This is a complicated one because the reasons this can happen are broad. But it is important because when you are grieving it is often the time that you need support the most and, in some cases, it is the very time that support from other friends can feel hardest to come by for many reasons.

Your other friends may not know how to handle your grief, so they distance themselves. Or, you may all be grieving differently and are struggling to support each other. It is also not uncommon to feel a sudden need to distance yourself from your other friends.

No matter what the reason, it is important to think about how you can make efforts to maintain relationships or seek other support, so you don't fall into unhealthy isolation. A good place to start is assessing your support system.

And you know what, this is true. You will never have another friend exactly like the person you lost. Your friendship was as unique as the two of you. But this doesn't mean you won't have other wonderful, meaningful friendships.

When we grieve, there is often a pervasive fear of losing that connection to the person we lost. We worry that if we start to feel 'better' it means we are forgetting that person or moving on. With friendships, there can be a feeling that, if I let new friends in, I am forgetting or replacing the friend I lost.

Keep in mind, no one is ever going to replace your friend. Ever. You will have new friendships, they will be unique and close and amazing in their own way, but they will never be a replacement for the person who died. That said, opening yourself up to other friendships is a really good, really important thing.

When I think of my best friends, they are the ones I go to when life gets tough: breakups, divorces, financial troubles, school problems and job problems, illnesses, deaths, whatever. When life gets tough your bestie is often your go-to person. So when that person is gone you feel especially alone. You feel desperate, lonely, and devastated and your instinct is to call the one person who is no longer there to support you.

Well, I am not going to run through all the general grief coping stuff here because you can check out the tons of other posts we have on that - take care of yourself, find ways to continue bonds, figure out your coping style. But I will mention a couple of things to keep in mind.

First and most importantly, when others around you are making you feel like you don't have the right to grieve the loss of your friend in the way or time that you need, remember that you absolutely deserve the space to grieve. Work probably won't give you bereavement leave, others may not acknowledge the depth of your relationship, but it is important you remember that you have every right to the grief and devastation you feel.

Something that can help with that is connecting with others who have lost friends. This can be tough because often support groups are for the loss of a spouse, parent or child. Even if it is a general support group, you find it is filled with people who have lost a family member, not a friend.

Look for a local support group on the death of a best friend. Many local hospices and grief centers are willing to place people in groups with individuals with shared experiences. So, talk to your local grief center or hospice and see if they may offer a group that would be a good fit for you.

Lastly, look at music. I know, this seems like a big shifting of gears. But as I was thinking about friendship and the nature of friendship, it got me thinking about music. Though many parts of society don't validate and talk about the loss of a friend, musicians seem to be the exception. There are a lot of amazing songs about losing a friend that get at the depth of those relationships and the devastation of the losses.

Both had cats and I knew they would end up separated or taken to a shelter. So I stuck a note on their doors asking their families if I could keep their cats. Both said yes. So I added 4 to my 2 (luckily my landlord lived out of town).

As you also stated, it can have a strange effect on other friends. I have another best friend that i have had since 16 and i havent heard from her since the day of the funeral = so in essence, I lost two best friends. I cant bring mysefl at this moment in time to reconnect but miss her too.

Sadly two weeks ago, my ex sister in law died suddenly. Although she wasnt officially related any more, we were also friends from age 16 (we are all 54 now), We had our kids together and spent most of our twenties and thirties together

I call him a selfish turd for dying so young. We had actual plans. As friends, but also our families. I was there when he died. I was grateful to see him pass after so much pain, same as my father(another story). But my friend is still a lizard turd in the desert sun for 6 hours for leaving me.

Because he is my best friend, my brother, this hurts more than any family member. I include my father that I was exceptionally close to, and watched die of Pancreatic cancer. Hell, I was the last person he saw.

Hi Sophie,

I would first like to start by saying my heart goes out to you in the loss of your best friend. The unexpected loss of a friend at such a young age is incredibly difficult and I hope our page has brought you some support and comfort. This is most likely a confusing and overwhelming time for you and please know that our team and page is always here to offer a safe space and support. I have included a few links below to other posts and resources that I hope will provide more support.