translation by mourningmoor
“Once the direction is decided, they jump in without hesitation. They’re fearless and unafraid of trying new things.”
Then, Hanjoon chimed in.
“It’s possible because we’re together. The five of us being together makes us fearless.”
The members nodded.
The reporter also nodded.
“So that’s how you can show such strong family-like bonds? You know, your teamwork is exceptional.”
This time, all the members smiled and nodded.
“With such talented members and that level of unity, it’s no wonder LIT is soaring to success.”
“People say we’re ‘geniuses’ or ‘talented,’ but we’re actually hard workers. The amount of practice we do is insane. And we do it without a single complaint.”
Thinking about it, their strengths are countless.
“Each of us carries our own worries, but we don’t show it. We hold back so as not to ruin the team’s atmosphere. I think it’s because we know the members would jump in as if it were their own problem.”
It was always like that. When Jaewon’s parents divorced, when Hanjoon faced school violence rumors, when Siu hurt his finger, and when Roa injured his knee—it was all the same.
“And then, like ghosts, they somehow figure out each other’s worries and try to share them. They say even a single bean should be shared, so should sorrow and pain.”
Watching the kids drop everything to protect each other always filled me with pride. Seeing them, who were once loose, bond so tightly felt more beautiful than any piece of art.
“That’s how we endure the grueling practice sessions together.”
That’s how, that’s how we’ve come this far.
Looking back, it wasn’t me leading something, but these kids moving me. No, it’s because of them that I moved.
“I like the team version of me more than the individual me.”
At that moment, the reporter’s expression twisted faintly.
What’s this? It looks like she’s holding back laughter.
The atmosphere seemed to shift strangely, so I glanced to the side.
Roa next to me, Jaewon next to him, and Siu next to him were all trembling with their shoulders hunched.
Hanjoon was blinking rapidly, staring at the café lights.
Then the reporter sniffled.
She’s not holding back laughter—she’s holding back tears?
“Oh my. Kang Ichan-ssi, you really love your members so much. And the members feel the same.”
She then dabbed her eyes with her fingertips, wiping away tears.
Wait, what part of that was the tear-jerking moment? Why are you crying out of nowhere?
“Oh, I ended up crying too. As soon as Kang Ichan-ssi started talking, Siu-ssi began crying. Can I ask why?”
The reporter looked at Siu. Then Siu, still beautiful even with tear-streaked cheeks, opened his mouth with a trembling voice.
“I’m sorry. I just started crying out of nowhere.”
Because Siu started crying, the youngest followed, and it seemed to have spread to Roa and Hanjoon too.
“No, it’s okay.”
The reporter also sniffled and shook her head. She must be a fan of Yoon Siu. There’s no way she’d cry along with them during an interview otherwise.
“Go ahead.”
As the reporter gestured with her reddened nose, Siu spoke again.
“Everything Ichan said. It’s all about Ichan. We just followed Ichan.”
At Siu’s words, the youngest nodded.
“But Ichan never shares his pain with us. He carries it all alone.”
What is this kid talking about?
“Actually, Ichan… before debut, he had a big acc…ident, so his body isn’t… in the best condition.”
Siu was sniffling and couldn’t even finish his sentence properly.
Then suddenly.
“But because of us…”
He covered his face with his hands and started crying.
The interview was ultimately paused.
Gyuhyung rushed in and took Siu and Jaewon out, while Hanjoon left to go to the bathroom.
The reporter also fanned herself, trying to calm her tears.
“Reporter-nim.”
When I called her, the reporter with reddened eyes looked at me.
“Wait, why are you crying?”
What are you to me? Why are you crying?
“You didn’t see it, did you? Every time Ichan-ssi spoke, the members’ expressions crumbled. Oh, it hurts my heart.”
But why are you crying without even knowing the full story?
It’s because Gyuhyung spilled the beans about my condition.
After the Santiago performance, when I ran off to cause a scene with Jung Euicheol, Gyuhyung held the kids back and caused a scene himself.
When I refused ramen and locked myself in my room, he immediately spilled everything.
[Ha, damn it. Ichan, that guy. It seems like his body is in a lot of pain.]
When the kids asked what was wrong, why I was in pain, he said something like this.
[That guy. Honestly, there’s not a single part of his body that’s unharmed. But he refused to be hospitalized to make sure your overseas tour succeeds. The doctor said there’s a limit to how much pain he can endure. They don’t know how much longer he can keep doing this. But he’s gritting his teeth and pushing through. He’s doing it thinking this might be his last performance.]
And then he even cried.
The kids also cried a lot that night, skipping ramen and locking themselves in their rooms.
Since then, they’ve been treating me like a fragile glass jar. Those kids.
It made me feel even more sorry for them.
“Reporter-nim.”
I called the reporter with a serious expression and stopped this overly sensitive reporter’s mouth.
“Don’t write about my health in the article, okay? Got it?”
Then her face dripped with pity.
“Kang Ichan-ssi, how can you be so self-sacrificing? You’re truly the best leader.”
“Reporter-nim!”
“Yes, yes. I know it’s confidential. I won’t write it. I won’t.”
She even pretended to zip her lips, saying she wouldn’t spread rumors.
If she knows it’s confidential, she must be careful not to risk a lawsuit.
Well, let’s do some internal discipline now.
“Park Roa.”
“Yes, hyungnim.”
Roa, who had been silently standing by, straightened his back and looked at me.
“Let’s talk for a bit.”
I took Roa and stepped out of the interview location.
I led him to the alley next to the café and spoke.
“I’m not sick, okay? So let’s stop this weird babysitting act?”
He should understand this much. But he opened his eyes wide and instead questioned me.
“If you’re not sick, then what is it?”
This kid, his eyes are filled with tears.
“Are you really planning to leave us just like that?”
“No, why are we going in that direction…?”
I can’t say no. In the worst-case scenario, I might die, or I might have to leave these kids behind.
“Roa-yah.”
“Hyungnim, you always take responsibility for everything alone. But that’s really not right.”
He always seemed to hold back what he wanted to say, but now he was determined to speak.
“Since you’re LIT, your personal problems are LIT’s problems.”
Ha, I can’t even argue because this is what I always say.
I’ve intervened in Jaewon’s problems, Hanjoon’s problems, Roa and Siu’s problems. I’ve meddled and found solutions.
Your personal problems aren’t just yours. They’re all of ours. That’s what I always said.
“You said you like being LIT more than being just yourself, right?”
Yeah, I even said that in the interview earlier.
I like being Kang Ichan more than being Jesquière, and I’m happier with these kids than alone. It’s true no matter how many times I say it. But that doesn’t mean I can involve these kids in my life.
“If something’s wrong with you, we all know. We’re together 24/7; how could we not notice the changes in you?”
I thought I was controlling it well, but apparently not. No, it seems like they’ve noticed all my unstable mental states.
“But you discuss it with Yoo Noah sunbaenim and run around with Director Kim Chanyeong instead of us. Seeing that just… makes me sad.”
I thought they’d feel disappointed, but they’re not disappointed—they’re sad.
That’s so Park Roa.
“We can’t be your strength. We’re not someone you can rely on at all. That’s what I think.”
“No.”
I didn’t mean to make them feel that way.
It’s the opposite.
These kids are everything to me now.
“I have my reasons.”
“I know. You must have your reasons. We’re just… the closest to you… like family… waaahhh.”
Roa, unable to finish his sentence, burst into tears like a child.
All sorts of thoughts crossed my mind.
I wondered if this was something to cry about, but it was also something worth crying over, so I was left speechless.
Who should I blame? It’s my fault for opening my heart and my side to these kids.
“Don’t be like that. You know who I am.”
I’m not the Kang Ichan you know.
“Let’s go back inside, finish the interview, and move on. We have the next schedule.”
It’s a good thing we finished the photoshoot yesterday. If they all cry like this, the next schedule will be a problem. Seriously.
I patted Roa’s shoulder and turned to leave.
“Hyungnim.”
Roa grabbed me as I turned.
Then, wiping his tears and snot with the back of his hand, he asked.
“Who are you, hyungnim?”
Ha, this kid.
“You really…”
“If you can’t say it, you don’t have to.”
Roa, sniffing and sucking in his snot, met my gaze with a determined look.
“It doesn’t matter who you are.”
Every word he spat out was filled with sincerity, which made my heart ache even more.
“No matter who you are, you’re my hyungnim now, and I hate anyone who makes you suffer. I hate it even more if it’s me.”
I knew he had a strong character, but I didn’t know he was this flawless. It made me happy in a way.
You’ve grown up, Park Roa. You even know how to shut me up.
“I know you’re not telling us because you’re worried about us. But I wish you’d rely on us a little more.”
You’re already my support, even if I don’t say it.
“We’re family.”
Yeah, my only family.
You have no idea how strong I’ve become because of you.
How much stronger I’ve gotten. How much stronger I can become.
You don’t know. That’s why it’s even scarier.
Because you’re my only Achilles’ heel.
That’s why my mouth feels bitter.
“You punk. What if I’m an alien?”
I said it half-jokingly, half-seriously.
This is one of the things I’m afraid of.
What would the kids say if they found out my true identity?
Would they be scared? Would they find me, who’s different from them, terrifying? Disgusting?
Would they resent me for putting them in danger?
I’m as afraid of losing them as I am of this.
“That’s cool. An alien hyung.”
But Roa responded with sincerity wrapped in a joke.
“Controlling time, moving through space. That’s cool.”
“Park Roa.”
I was a little stunned.
I could peek into their minds, but I didn’t. At some point, I became afraid of peeking into the kids’ hearts.
“You…?”
“I don’t know anything.”
Roa, who had completely outwitted me with his words, generously gave me time.
“Come back in when you’ve sorted out your feelings. I’ll comfort the members.”
He looked as if he had already sorted out his feelings.
“Let’s finish up quickly and move on to the next schedule.”
* * *
It felt like I’d been punched.
This is why I can’t bring myself to peek into the kids’ hearts anymore.
Though their noses were red, the members finished the interview without any issues. And as we moved to the next schedule at the POP-UP store, they acted as if nothing had happened.
When we arrived at the POP-UP store, the fans waiting for us shouted in unison.
“We enjoyed the ice cream!”
There were far more fans waiting for us than I expected.
Then, all the worries filling my head disappeared, and a new concern took their place—whether any fan might have missed out on the gifts.
The kids felt the same.
Both the kids and I are quite simple at times like this. As if we hadn’t just been crying, we quickly became one and focused on the task at hand.
But the kids still didn’t like me lifting heavy things and consistently excluded me from any physically demanding tasks.
“Scary guys.”
I thought they were gentle rabbits, but at times like this, they’re battle-hardened warriors.
And they never stop looking out for me.
When I turned around, Jaewon handed me an ice cream. When I turned again, Hanjoon fanned me. Siu dragged a chair over for me to sit, and Roa even handled the POP-UP store staff on his own.
“This is ridiculous. They’re treating me like a patient.”
Behind me, Kim Chanyeong quietly approached.
“You should be happy. You won’t find kids like that anywhere else.”
I know. That’s why I’m like this.
I’m willing to risk my life to protect them.
* * *
“Hyung. Guys.”
It was right after the schedule ended, and we had just boarded the bus.
I called Hanjoon and the kids.
Then the kids looked at me with unease written all over their faces.
Every word I said, every action I took, was causing anxiety in the kids.
They were worried if I was in pain again, if I was planning to leave, if something sudden was going to happen. They were anxious and restless.
“Let’s talk quietly.”
Yeah, it’s about time we had a quiet talk. No, I need to talk to the kids. They need to prepare themselves mentally.
Even if they end up hating me, even if they treat me like a monster, it’s the right thing to do for these kids.
Kim Chanyeong, who had been watching the situation, quickly took the other managers and got off the bus. That’s how we got this time. Time to lay out the truth.
“Guys. Actually…?”
At that moment.