The microbiome is the collection of all microbes, such as bacteria, fungi, viruses, and their genes, that naturally live on our bodies and inside us. Although microbes are so small that they require a microscope to see them, they contribute in big ways to human health and wellness.
-the internet
MICROBIOME: THE MUSICAL
--Paul Kafka-Gibbons and Shereen Salem
I. Ascending
i.
Teri, a bacTERIum, is attending the annual Harvest Festival in the Ascending Colon when they lock taste-and-scent sensors with Bud, a fungus. The chemistry is powerful, and before they both know it, Teri and Bud are exchanging molecules and feelings.
Teri sings
Tender Tendrils
Who the hell are you?
What is this sticky thing
Drawing us together?
Am I wanting to be near you
To be connected to you?
I’m so confused
But I like it
Jordan (a human, in whose colon the story unfolds) sings
What is Happening Inside Me?
I feel a stirring
Deep inside.
What is happening?
Sometimes I think
Cashier at 7-11
Is not my most important role
Am I a world?
I.ii.
The Bacteria (any number greater than two) pull Teri away.
Bacteria sing
We Don’t Do Mold
Teri, Bud is a fungus
Don’t let them amongst us
Find yourself a Bacterium
From the neighborhood
Like Jack
Who looks like everyone you know
Jack wants to make a cluster with you
Sure, Jack can only do Jack
Jack can’t reproduce sexually
Or symbiotically
But mitosis
Is traditional
Clean
God likes it
The Fungi pull Bud away.
Fungi sing
Stick to Sarah
Sarah’s sticky
Sarah’s one of us
Good enough for the ancestors
Good enough for you
Bud near Sarah
The spores decided this long before
You budded
You don’t need no balloon lover
Smoothies ARE cooties
Stay away from their smooth booty
Stick to Sarah
You will feel right
Make a good pure
Slime nest
God is sticky
The Bacteria sing their song, dance their dance, as do the Fungi. Their songs interweave, but they dance separately.
Bud breaks free. Sticks to Teri, pulls Teri free.
They tango, singing a variant of
Tender Tendrils
Who the hell are you?
What is this sticky thing
Holding us together?
I am so near you
Connected to you
I’m less confused
I’m loving our union
until Bud’s father and Teri’s mother come and forcefully separate them.
Jordan sings
What the Fuck?
Here’s your Grape Vape
Oh snap pea!
Something is happening inside me
I felt bliss
It went away
I want it back
Darcy and I
Stopped eating processed food
Just whole grains
Locally sourced well-treated plants
We practice and practice and practice
Tantric sex
I’m gonna text them
Something wonderful
Is happening
Deep inside me
Same price for the Extra Large Slurpee
Have a nice day
II. Crossing
i.
Teri sends Bud a molecule letter via LVIRa, Teri’s chaperone, a kindly virus of middle age. LVIRa knows she shouldn’t help the innocent Bacterium hook up with the comely Fungus, but still she sings
I’m Repeating Myself
Just like Moms
I’m a matchmaker
Nothing makes me happier
Than bringing two to love
And love to two
Who am I going to mate with?
Oh yeah…
So many hosts
So little time
At the risk of repeating myself
I’ll do it
For Teri
And for me
LVIRa dances among the Bacteria, and after dancing with each one, a second third and fourth LVIRa appear from behind the dancing couple, until the LVIRuses outnumber the Bacteria.
The Fungi are off to the side, holding Bud firmly in a hyphae filament. They sing
Who Needs Sunlight?
We’re over here
Go ahead
Throw shade
We’re not Green
We’re Colonialist
Bud’s not going anywhere
They stay amongst us
II.ii.
Teri emerges cautiously. The Bacteria see Teri and try to catch them but are lost in a sea of LVIRa. Bud snaps the filament and Teri and Bud run to a secluded niche. Bundled, they sense each other intimately as they sing
What If We Are New?
I love you Teri
I love you Bud
You complete me
But you have good boundaries
I’m still me
I will live longer
I will live better with you
So near you
But still me
Collaborating
Equal powered partners
Unique contributions
Mutual appreciation society
Crazy good feelings
I will have more energy
I will have a better idea what is around me
Where to get lunch
Stuff I couldn’t used to eat
We are new
Let’s hyphenate
Propagate
Investigate
Generate and
Regenerate
I love you Bud
I love you Teri
III. Falling
i.
Night is falling.
Darcy and Jordan are eating an elaborate healthy dinner in their yurt.
Time passes.
Jordan and Darcy make love.
Jordan and Darcy’s feast reaches the Bacteria and the Fungi. Inside the lovers, food particles are jostled, fall. The Harvest Festival resumes.
Teri and Bud come from their niche and pull the two groups together, singing
Let’s Get Together and Eat
Fungi, Bacteria
You’ve got to try this
Closer, closer
Sure those smooth booties are cooties
Sure those tendrils are sticky
But you won’t believe what happens
When you come together
Right now
Over us
The Fungi and Bacteria begin to tango in pairs, trios, quartets. Bacteria sing
We Do Do Mold
Now we do do mold
Though we don’t know how
To do it or
How we got here
But getting stuck
To Fungi
Is hot and cool
simultaneously
Confusing
We like it
Fungi sing
We Do Do Smooth Booty
We do do smooth cell booty
Our tendrils are flexible
Tender AND tough
We’re learning new tricks
Mom or Dad
Bud out of our bidness
Divide in sameness if you must
Conquer your own fear
of Change
Stop trying to conquer us
We are making something groovalicious
Bud and Teri
Have the recipe
They’re showing us the steps
The feelings
The chemistry
The LVIRas hold the Parental Fungi and Bacteria back. The Parents get together in an enclosing double-circular folk dance which then combines into a single Bacterial-Fungal circular dance. The LVIRas cut the ties that hold the circle together until finally Parental Bacteria, Fungi and Viruses all weave around the tangoing Bacteria and Fungi couples, triples, quartets. The entire microbiome dance and sing the finale,
We Do Do Do-Do
Night is falling.
Our feast is nearly at an end
Jordan’s end
That’s okay
Life is change
We will journey
Into outer space
Darcy and Jordan’s
Composting Potty
Holy Hole
Sacred ground
Journey
Return
New life
Amen