Spirituality

My Spiritual Journey

My whole life has been a spiritual journey.  I always felt that there is something bigger than me that I have a special part in.

As a child, I was seeking that something is bigger out there feeling.  I was not baptised and I started to follow along with the people around me.  I went to Jehovah's Witness church.  At 10 years old, I knew that was not the answer.  I left.  Later, after I moved to the country, I walked to a church in Roslyn and attended some of the services there.  Sing along, I kind of felt a warm fuzzy, being part of the "Church" there but it just didn't feel like it checked all the boxes. 

I tried my grandparent's Pentecostal church a few times, that also didn't make me feel at home, even though the members were kind and empathetic.  I found back then that I was a bit intuitive, empathetic and a bit psychic but I did not fully realize it back then.  I was always seeking something bigger than me and I felt that religions were just man made interpretations of what mankind is spiritually seeking.

After I moved back to Toronto, I met Cornel and many years later I decided to get baptised as Catholic.  It seemed like a more original faith with some mixed up ideas about devotion.  Still not all the right buttons.  I remember a feeling of a weight being lifted off my shoulders when I was baptised.

I met a lot of people in the church here.  I became the lead tenor of the choir and regularly sang in front of the congregation.  One time, my son Christian, came up to the front of the church when I say doing the psalms.  I just picked him up and continued singing.  At that time he must have been about 3 and had his hand bandaged after his operation. 

After years of being in the choir and I also worked for the church for about 2 years as an Electrician's Assistant,  I just felt that I had outgrown the limitations of that religion and never went back.  It was around then that I learned that I was a psychic empath.  I could feel whet other people and pets could feel.  I could also see what people were capable of emotionally.  I was confusing what I felt in the psychic world with what I was personally feeling and was mixing up a relationship love and sexuality.  I had a simplistic view of relationships.

It was a long hard road to separate my feelings from psychic feelings and love and intimacy.  I met several soul mates like Monica along the way and with each one, I learned just a little more.  Finally after meeting Carla, I finally got it all straight.

A few years ago, I had a Kundalini experience.  I was at an IEEE conference at a hotel.  I just went to bed and I remember how soft the bed was.  I felt like I was floating on a cloud.  I was just drifting off, and without warning, warm waves of energy started flowing through my whole body.  It kind of felt like I was at the shore of the ocean and warm waves of energy were coming into my body from my feet, going all the way to my head.  My muscles tightened up as the waves passed through me.  It was a feeling of warm love and I surrendered to it.  I did not want it to stop because it felt so good like the best massage in the world, but it did a few minutes later.  I was totally confused to what I had just experienced and nothing intellectually made sense of it.

After I got back home, I was still really thinking about it and I googled it.  The Kundalini  Awakening  phrase kept coming up.   I thoroughly researched it and felt that it was what I had experienced.  I spoke to a wise professor at Humber and she also agreed that it was a Kundalini experience that was a large step in my spiritual awakening.  Everything felt different after that.  I noticed a change in how I was dealing with emotions.

I changed emotionally.  I started to feel less dependent on my emotions and other people.  Things did not bother me as much anymore.  Deadlines, projects, people around me, I just felt more independent . 

Fast forward to 2025 and I feel so differently now.  I graduated last year and I could feel myself with a new deeper vibration that I have never lived in before. 

This year, I have been accepting disappointments in my life and now I am perceiving them differently.  At 12,  26, 35  and 47 years ago, I felt so lonely, down about myself.  I was depressed so deeply that it made me accept the hurt, loneliness and pain as part of my customized life experiences plan.  Some people might even say that I was put through spiritual tests to see how I have "grown up" by accepting hardships in a more mature way.  In psychology, a doctor could say that I have been desensitized to pain and sensitized to real love.  In Astrology and Chinese Astrology, an Astrologer would jump on the 12 year cycle (Year of the Dragon or Jupiter going into Gemini) and say yes that is your Jupiter return, ending out another cycle and the proud beginning a new one.  Also in Astrology, it is my Saturn return in 2025.  I have lived for Saturn to go all they way around the Sun to be exactly where it was again when I was born.  Another new beginning. 

This new beginning has humbled me.  I was not expecting that going through so many low cycles in my life, that I would end up being so uplifted and joyful.  I had a couple of weeks in September, where I felt no pain at all, just extreme love for everything and that all of the energy of the universe was flowing through my body.  I felt like I was in a daze, existing in pure love and feeling like the Earth was only a temporary existence for me.  On the weekend of the full moon in mid September, it abruptly stopped on the Friday.  I felt like a small fish that was removed from his fish tank, flopping on the ground gasping for air.  Another spiritual test to see how I could handle having the divine energy flowing through me and then having it ripped away from my just as quickly as it came.  After every negative experience this year, I remembered my life lesson that no matter how bad things get, they will always get better.  I accept it as a lesson from love keeping in mind that it is temporary.  Every time that I went through a cycle, I noticed that I recovered faster and faster.

Even last week, I decluttered my soul for the first time in my life.  I cut my spiritual cords with almost everyone from my past.  Good, bad, love and casual friends. I deleted over 200 contacts and over 200 friends in social media.  As I deleted every individual that had meaning at the time in my life, I said goodbye; being conscious of their energy.  I disconnected my emotions from them and said goodbye and thank them for the memories.  It hurt a lot to experience this disconnection and it left me feeling sad, vulnerable and lonely.  I have learned to not look for love, acceptance and energy from other people to help me feel good.  I now fondly look to that short period in my life where I had all the love and acceptance come in so intense and clearly.

I offered up the disconnection pain with love as another step in my life and by the end of the next day,  I felt great again.

A few moths ago during the summer, I enrolled in an anxiety course because I felt trapped.  Not being able to do anything nor even look for work.  I felt bad about myself fighting irrational thinking, trying to keep a positive outlook.  I reflected on all the other lows I went through and what I learned about how to change my cognitive behaviour to overcome these feelings.  I remembered again that no matter how hard things get, there will be another day where this bad experience will be behind you.  Accept it with love and gratitude and remember that you did your best, nothing should have been different.  I Think about what I learned from it because every event was a spiritual test about my resilience, to see how fast you can step through the next door.

For the last few months, I have been watching some psychics on YouTube.   At first, I was skeptical thinking logically that there is no way that these random monkeys on random typewriters can actually be correct.  Boy was I wrong.  I watched video after video of different psychics all popping up the same cards, telling the same story of the exact felling that I was experiencing at that time.  Analyzing the spirituality behind it, after figuring out that I had cleared all of my life's karmic ties, I had ascended to my most powerful and authentic self.  I had arrived at my final destination. 

Maybe not at  my final destination but I passed enough tests that I can no longer fail.  Last week and during the summer, I got up on the wrong side of the bed and I felt horrible.  Maybe the feelings were inspired by dreams that have slipped away from my consciousness like they usually do while awaking.  Whatever the cause was, I do not like feeling like that.  As always, my self evaluation kicks in and I ask myself, where does this come from?  I was fine when I went to sleep and it's like waking up with a migraine.  I watched a random video about heating in castles then I had a flash, not even for a second, where I remembered living in a castle.  I thought about it for a bit then I realized that I am processing extreme karmic feelings from previous lives.  I heard another psychic saying that you (me) had cleared your families' karmic debt and that all of my spiritual guides, my late family members and St Michael are all shielding me from spiritual harm and witchcraft.

I also found out that I was a "chosen" one that lives in love and my purpose for living was to bring spiritual love and light to people and to connect the energy of the earth itself to the energy of the universe.  That is referred to as the source or God.  In Kundalini terms, I have balanced the love from my Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine to come together in my heart chakra.  The Tarot psychics say that I am an Alchemist and the Wizard.  Like Merlin and the White Lighters from the show Charmed, I am bound to do good and spread divine love. 

I have also been told that I love differently than everyone else.  I can "fall in love" and love with the deepest love for Soul Mates and Twin Flames that is of the most pure love.  I can see the potential that people have inside.  I explained once in an email, a long time ago, that my "Love" is not at all a sexual one.  I now fully understand that sexuality, and desire are parallel to Divine Love but are totally separated.  As someone said today, sexuality can be a deep extension of love for someone.  I love everyone around me in daily life and as I learned from James Redfield (Author) that I regularly practice sending love and positive energy to most people that I am interacting with in life.  This love is the same love that you have for your baby, your children, your loved ones, your pets, your spouse, and your friends.  In contrast, there are some people, that come across your path, that you do not trust and you just know that they only care about themselves, the narcissists.

I think that at this point that I should have a special mention for my other half in my life, Carla.  She is so empathetic and intuitive.  We share the same humour. We are both psychic enough to know what the other is feeling and act with love to be empathetic and give wise counsel to each other.  She has been there for me.  Even on the first few times that we met, we both had a feeling of past and future that you do not feel with regular people around you.  I gave her and her children a ride after a Christmas Parade in Aurora and I could clearly feel that this was not the last time they would be in the car.  At her son's birthday, I sat at her computer to fix something and we both felt an electrical attraction.  It wasn't long until our first kiss.  By this point, I was already completely comfortable and trusting in a stable relationship with her.  I had learned over the years that you should keep feelings like that hush in our culture.  That was not the way my soul loves. 

We split up for a couple of years.  My decision.  I no longer felt welcome in her Mother's house.  It was a really strong energy.  It was summer again and I was about to have my boys for at least 6 weeks over the summer.  I had a really bad time being isolated from her during the previous summer.  Cornel saw to it that I was "his" friend and nobody else mattered.  Cornel was my best friend since I was a teen and I lived with him.  Being a Leo, just like his mother, he was super intuitive and psychic with a touch of paranoia and suspiciousness.  (Now that he has dementia, psychosis is all that is left.)  I was also trying to understand exactly what love was and separate it from intimacy at that time.  I started to feel a true spiritual twin flame love with someone and it scared me.  I had to come to terms with my belief system that love and intimacy were the same and I just knew that my belief system must have been wrong all of my life.  I decided to split up.

(We stayed apart for a couple of years an had a few awkward meetings.  I had enough of feeling lost in my life, lonely, and I put out a serious intention to the universe to bring the person that I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life to me.  The next day, Carla called me out of the blue and we have been together again ever since.) 

Without Carla was a really, really hard time in my life.  I really believed that my relationship was done.  I felt so lost, alone, lonely.  I buried myself in work. 

Then along came soul mates and maybe even a twin flame at work.  That is when I started to figure out what love really was.  I talked to several ladies at work and explored exactly what I was feeling, to try to understand my work relationships with them better.  I learned then that I was a Psychic Empath and not just spiritually gifted.  Another life changing step.  One person was most fascinating.  She is beautiful and has a most charming, loving, supporting, and positive character.  That is what really confused me.  I explained that to her and asked her why I felt that I could never be in a relationship with her.  I had no explanation.  I just chugged through with changing my belief system.  Then somebody came to work there that really changed my life.  When I first met her I had to interview her for the computer records.  I was stunned.  I just kept telling myself that nothing can ever happen between us.  We were friendly.  One day, I stopped to chat with her on the way into work and I felt like I was a different person.  The change was like I went from Pee Wee to John Wayne.  I had no idea what that was at the time but that was definitely divine intervention.  I kept telling myself that the only thing this could ever evolve into would be a strange friendship.  Over the weeks, I started to feel for the first time in my life that I want to be a better person for her.  Again that confused the hell out of me and I researched it and I came across the words unrequited love and Twin Flame.  Her mother had passed recently and I started channelling messages involuntarily to her.  By this time, I really felt that she was my Twin Flame.  I recently learned that the majority of Twin Flame meetings do not go well.  I still thought that "Super love and attraction" should be involved in an intimate relationship but, we were not and I knew that I would not let that happen.  Just like a romantic movie, you could say I had a crush and was not going to allow it to happen.  I think that she had feelings for me also and she was confused also.  I could not ask her about it.  I don't think that she would have been honest about it anyway.  One time in my office she was telling me about her financial troubles at the same time holding my arm.  I was totally aware of how I felt flattered, a magnetic connection, standing firm in my beliefs and at the same time so connected.  I did not move my arm, and started typing with the other one to download an update to fix the problem why she was there in the first place. 

Something snapped inside of me right then.  This was my divine test, to see how well I could process the deepest of feelings.  I studied psychology many years ago, and after a lot of introspection, I realized that I was experiencing Cognitive Dissonance.  Basically, my mind was at war with itself.  Now I see it as my earth ego was at war with my love spirit.  It took me a really long time to process that, and at the same time, I wanted to be around her more.

In Twin Flame terms, she was the runner, I was the older unrequited lover.  She could not deal with the feeling either and having a mind as strong or maybe even stronger than mine, she buried those feelings also.  With most Twin Flame meetings, her mind (I am assuming) was just as conflicted, and her solution was to run away from everything.  I remember her last day when she was leaving work and I was having my dinner, I told her that we would meet again one day.

I think that was the hardest thing in my life that I have ever dealt with.  Eventually, I accepted it as a life lesson, and cut the spiritual cord.

Around that time as I was going through the depths of hell on earth, I started to research what I was going through so that I could seek help.  I had PTSD from that and my damaged family childhood.  I forgave my stepfather on a previous Jupiter cycle but I did not expect PTSD symptoms.  Energetically, stress is strictly an ego creation.  For example, look at the different perceptions of this scenario: You are going parachuting for the first time.  You think "This is not scary, I like adrenaline rushes." versus: "I can't do this, I am afraid of heights, I can't even go on a swing." Anticipating not have a good time releases the adrenaline and the person has not learned how to cope with the anxiety.  It is all a perspective and how that person is not conditioned to deal with anxiety.  In that  case, the person (probably both) still relies on the Divine Masculine driving the EGO.  I learned when I was 12 years old that you have to face your fears.  Things like diving off a bridge into shallow water, and jumping from the highest point in the barn to drop into the haystack, being up in CN Tower,  or any really big events in life.  What I did to master it, was that I gave myself enough self control to take that scary step.  I would shut down my spiritual self, the Divine Feminine, keep control and jump.

I changed the way that my Divine Masculine behaves to specific stimuli.  For fear, I reprogrammed myself to think "for this task, do it the best you can."  Thinking like this does change the way to perceive anxiety and it makes it really easy to override the basic programming of your consciousness.

I learned to accept whatever event that just happened, I think, it is completed now, what did I learn, should I make any changes to what I do next?

Another test for me came up the other day.  I worked for 2 hours working on a 20 page inspirational presentation and I noticed the music was AC/DC.  I wanted to get softer music and the unposted post disappeared.  I was so mad.  I threw the remote on the couch and went outside to get some air.  When I came back in, I realized that that post was not supposed to happen and there was a divine intervention. It was  just another test for me again to see how fast I get over it.  Either way, it was still a divine test.  I am getting faster at processing raw emotions.  

There are some problems integrating this into the 3D body.  The clearest example that I have is anxiety.  It is no longer a problem to my well being and I plow through it with ease.  What I didn't expect was how my body itself has its own memory outside of consciousness.  When I would normally get bothered by anxiety, my body still physically shake.  I notice it at the moment, relax and carry on.  I have heard of this being called the body's karmic memory, but I am sure that there is a better name for it.  They say that when you are releasing Karmic energy from your body, it can be felt as intense sudden pain that goes away.

Every energy that surrounds us is an entity of it's own, like vortexes coming off of an airplane wing.  These spiritual vortexes are sensed by psychics and felt by empaths.  Our brains grow up seeing things through an importance filter and by default, the empathy sensitivity is turned off.  This intentional energy affects other things.  In your body, you can still get random attacks of pain or anxiety for no reason.  It can travel though time and affect you later as in PTSD.  Good intentions and manifestations also carry spiritual weight.  So do prayers.  I am so sensitive that if I sat beside you, I could feel the feelings you had before I sat down.

Both Good and Bad energy have life in your current timeline, if used with bad intention, it becomes a spiritual problem with bad Karma attached to it.  These bad Karmas can be attached to your reincarnation or your families ancestry.  (Sins of the father...)  Either way, you still have to deal with it or pass it on to your next incarnation.

I also get an overwhelmed feeling at times.  I have so much accumulated stress and experiencing my mother's dementia over the last 5 years to last me for quite a while.  Whenever I feel it, I deal with it, accept it and move on.  Cause: Previous Trauma.  Effect: Anxiety and being overwhelmed.  Deal with it, done.

Now this year, all the things that normally would affect me, do not anymore.  Saying goodbye to all of the Karmic ties becomes easier and easier as you practice dealing with it.  Then you end up where I am as a Magician, Alchemist and Sorcerer, being totally aware of the global awakening.  

Today (Nov. 2) I felt my spirit guides for the first time.  My grandfather behind me on my left side.  He represents my logic, intelligence, patience and humbleness.  On my right side, I felt my grandmother's sprit, wise, sensitive and empathic.  Between us, I felt my mother, not as strong, and learning about truly what love is about.

It is interesting how my spirituality changes a bit almost every day but the calm feeling does not go away.  I have now learned that I have heart problems.  My doctor wants me to go for an Angiogram and possibly a stent.  I have been very dizzy lately and unnaturally tired. My blood pressure drops and I feel like I am going to pass out.  Not being able to go to work from being too tired to get up and having low blood pressure episodes all the time, really messes with my employability.  I should be freaking out that I cannot pay bills and I might lose my apartment, but somehow nothing bothers me.   I could have a massive heart attack tomorrow and I really don't care.  I think that is from being at peace with myself, having no regrets and not being afraid of the future if I am here or with my late family members.  I feel that my mission here on this earth, of being an example and giving love is no where near done yet.

Anunaki