Do we ask people to commit to staying home eight hours a day with kids to justify having a family? Then why do we want people to work eight hours outside the home in order to justify getting a good education?
So I will lead the way. When I had a startup and two young kids in 2009 I had two full-time nannies that cost a total of $110K a year. Anyone needs that if they have a job where they travel and they have a spouse who does not want to be at their beck and call.
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Once all of our children were in full time school; my wife started doing some independent contractor work for a few hours every day. The other hours were spent either volunteering or doing errands/chores.
Alexis, thank you. Every word you said is true. It is a lie to think that those of us who are SAHM with kids in school waste the hours between 9-3. Besides all the duties you listed, with a 15 and 11 year old, I am NEEDED now more than ever. If I am not 100% present and alert, God only knows what my kids would be getting into and with whom they would be doing it.
One thing that fills in that time is the girl scout leader, PTA fundraiser organizer, baking for the bake sale, carting my kids around (cuz I will be working full time still) with their kids to soccer, or Wednesday church or fill in the blank.
As others have mentioned the school day from 9-3 allows them time to take care of the mundane tasks of housecleaning, repairs and oil changes and grocery getting while the rest of the family is out being kids or breadwinners. If they are doing it right they get around to stuff like deep cleaning, washing windows, dusting windowsills, cleaning dead bugs out of light fixtures etc, the kind of stuff we almost NEVER do as a two parent working household.
So that a woman has options. In case the spouse becomes a total jerk, in case the spouse gets laid off, in case the spouse has serious medical issues, in case the spouse trades you in for a newer model. In case you need to walk away. Advanced degrees arm a woman with real options in this unpredictable world. Always great to NOT have to cash in all our options. Always nice to have options.
I left the traditional workforce to be a stay at home Mom for my three kids. I built my own small business from home (I am an artist, a painter, but previously worked in customer support, building and managing technical help desks) while the youngest two were a baby and toddler. All three are now teenagers and my business continues to do well.
You missed the point. The definition of career and career success that Penelope describes is so narrow. Redefine success into terms that actually work for your life, that actually allow you to feel that you are succeeding at your life. Paychecks are necessary, but there are infinite ways to get them.
I mean, at some point you have to just be careful to only have kids with people you can collect child support from, right? You have a choice about that when you decide to have kids in general. So much of this is about choices.
But it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. Eventually, I started a home business as many hours per week as I felt like working. When that fizzled due to off-shoring , I wrote a few books and dabbled in some new business ideas.
I think this is really, really common for families who plan to have dual careers. It becomes clear, as the kids get older, that one career is more successful than the other career. And it also becomes clear that the cost of having two careers is too high for a family.
Well, my dad is an engineer and my mom stayed home with us until we were mid elementary age (i am 32 now, my brother 27) and she went back to work as an admin full time. Amazingly, we lived in a decent house, went to private school, were able to do all our social things, never had significant debt, and ate dinner together every single night at a normal time.
Unless you married a guy with (much) higher than average income, child support payments will not be enough to live on in the event there is a divorce. Most women end up working full time and scrambling to find child care while they work. Alimony is largely a thing of the past, and even getting half the assets is no guarantee of financial stability, because you need income, not savings, if you plan on supporting yourself for any length of time.
Your post applies mostly to high income couples, not average middle class families. You were paying your nannies more than most families earn.
What was surprising/depressing is the true financial costs of dual-income situation with kids. Childcare is the obvious cost. But then you have increased taxes due to the progessive tax structure and the loss of deductions due to high income.
When were figuring out what our finances would like like if she stayed home, we determined that 83% of her gross income was going to taxes and childcare. 6% went to her 401k. The remaining 11% was available for everything else.
I may very well be making this calculation myself some day soon, and I have started to cultivate the list of things to include in the calculation, even things that have to be estimated because they are not certain.
The childcare side of that equation will change drastically once kids are in school, I wonder what that staggering 83% of her income to childcare and taxes would be at year 1 of the youngest in full time school. I wonder how that compares to the potential set back in lifetime earnings she will see if she decides to go back to work at that time and has to take a cut from what she was making before due to the time away.
The childcare cost decreases but does not go away with them entering full-time school. When we switched to SAHM; full-time usage of bfore school, after school, school holiday & summer vacation care would run about 33% less than year round daycare for a preschooler. School care is more flexible than daycare for scheduling.
The decrease in future earnings was a initial concern. A couple of things decreased our concerns. First, her corporate career and income growth were already being hurt. They noticed that her position was no longer her only priority. She was moved out of the fast track for promotions and pay increases. Second, It dawned on us: she could take whatever job she wanted when she went back to work because any income would be an improvement.
For the first few years; she did not have any retirement contributions. The youngest child started FT school this year. She has started working a few hours every day for a small business so the retirement savings have started back up. She is loving it because she has incredible flexibility in setting her schedule. Of course this job does not pay as well as her previous work.
In the U.S., especially in educated circles, there is enormous pressure to be working. I work at not feeling bad for all the help I need, and fostering self esteem internally, without all the outside praise.
Everything in life is a tradeoff. To get the guy who will support you financially, maybe you have to live in a really really cheap city with terrible schools so he can pay for it. Or maybe you have to starve yourself to look like a model to fend off all the other women. Or maybe you have to deal with that the guy is a bore.
Not everyone aspires to be a CEO. There are millions of jobs that pay a decent salary, bring fulfillment and still allow people to work 40 hours or less each week. 40 hours per week is doable. I love my time with my kids in the mornings and evenings and on weekends.
First, he felt absolutely no guilt about getting other people to watch the kids. We belonged to a gym that offered free childcare for 1.5hrs, and he religiously worked out 1.5hrs per day just to get a break. (Cut hubby, happy wife!)
You make the perfect point as to why it is valuable to have one spouse be a caregiver. The problem with the spouses who have had a caregiver home for a long time is that they seem to forget, or never really knew, how hard it would be to do the juggling if they had to pitch in. Thanks for articulating it so well. and kudos for your be willing to adjust your schedule when your spouse went back to work. Many of moms I talk to say that their husbands want them to go back to work once the kids are all in school but can not or will not adjust their schedule in any way.
My husband is a part-time SAHD and finds construction work when he can (he was laid off from a construction industry desk job about two years ago). He is applying for a particular state license now so that hopefully more work will come his way.
From the first child born through to the last, I worked very part time, flexibly, often from home. I had to compromise my career, FOR SURE, in order to do that. But my kids were my priority. I worked only to keep my foot in the door.
Somehow I ended up married at 22 with a guy who is the breadwinner to this day. I had kids at 24 and 27. I never left the workforce altogether, but I cut back hours. I was so junior that no one cared.
I miss my homecooked meals. I miss my garden and my clean house and the 10 extra hours a week I spent working on my side career (novelist, which I still do). I believe that the work spent raising a family is important work, but this culture values money more than anything else.
I do sometimes think a 3/4 job would be nicer, but we still get lots of time together. Right off the top, 2/7 or 28% of the week is weekend, plus we have family breakfast together and family dinners 3/5 of the weeknights, and holidays, and I had mat leave.
3. For me, when I was home full time, when my husband got home or on weekends I was kind of tired out and did want some time for adult stuff. When I work, I come home super eager to see my kids, and I do think that seeing that light in my eyes has given them the (correct) impression that I love them and really love to spend time with them.
Re: how women fare today if they divorce: 60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children. Single mothers support up to four children on an average after-tax annual income of $12,200. 65% divorced mothers receive no child support. 152ee80cbc
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