schizorants - my 2025 journaling that will make you concerned for me
(now featuring a few 2026 entries!)
some material is redacted,
and older schizorants now have an
AUTHOR'S COMMENT.
This recompilation has been cleared of offensive mentions.
Embedded Files
1
[author's comment: the first time I put my thoughts to words, some rough attempts at well written paragraphs. very deep stuff for it to be made by me]
If somebody tells you they know something they are lying. I don't know this though.
Okay now I am going to expand this to a dump of February thoughts, not facts because I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, take these as mere conspiracies; pride (proudness, self-esteem) is mistaken for arrogance, but they are different because arrogance lacks achievements to back up ego.
Atheism is the hardest faith to believe, there is simply little evidence. Life cannot be created or destroyed, only split and grown, and it has to go somewhere when it loses its vessel. Your soul isn't anywhere on your body, if it were, for example, in your brain you would be able to point out a specific spot where your soul or a part of it, is. Human aspects like forgetting and learning are impossible to grasp. It is incomprehensible how you can know something and then not. All of your memories are somewhere in your brain, you lose connection to them.
Heaven on earth is impossible because if it was then communism and living equally would work, but our flawed vessels cannot thrive as equals. We cannot agree on anything because our experiences are so so so so so so so different and I cannot stress this enough. You could easily get into a heated argument with yourself from a week ago, how can you expect to trust anyone to coordinate anything?
People tell you to not care what anyone thinks, but that is insane and a mentally ill idea. You should not care about the opinion of people you don't care about, for sure, but dismissing loved ones who are worried about you will lead you to being homeless and drug addicted on the street. Care about what those you care about think, and pick who you care about carefully.
It is deeply depressing to be in a human body, I only 99% believe in God because I have yet to understand why He could not give us free will AND not give us temptations to do evil. If evil is a requirement for free will, it means He is not omnipotent and cannot do absolutely everything; in this case create peaceful beings with free will. I'm aware of the law of polarity and that asking why evil exists is like asking why we weren't all created to be 6'1 (183cm). If we were all tall nobody would be. But can't He create a Universe where the law of polarity is not applied? "if god exist why bad happen" is a popularly criticised atheist argument but it is never given proper thought.
Repeating myself, it is deeply depressing to be in a human body, as I want to do something and cannot. Mental barriers suck. Just to clarify, I am not an atheist and do not want to associate with shitty redditorz.
Isn't it crazy how you can't imagine a color that you've not seen? Isn't it crazy how there is most likely no most beautiful painting or song? I'm not talking about the most loved pieces of art, I mean to a specific person. You will never be able to perfect a song that is the absolute best possible sound they could hear. That's nuts. Why do we like different things? Do we hear things differently? Do we see colors differently and all secretly love what looks like what I see purple as (my favourite colour). Why is the rainbow so beautiful? Why are gradients so awesome? What would a new sense look like? Color and sound are taken for granted but are oddly specific. The length of light in the small slice that is visible to us, and air vibrations? Oddly specific right?
Back to heaven on earth. Why can't we agree on anything? Being honest with ourselves and others would save us from betrayal, arguments and negativity. Is it because the truth hurts sometimes?
a: No, I don't want to be in a relationship with you and would lie about being loyal to only you if we weren't in an imaginary monologue about being forced to say the truth.
b: That really hurts me and there is nothing you can tell me to make it feel better because in this monologue about forced honesty there is no fake "I was just kidding".
Isn't human perception weird? I can write this schizophrenic post while on 3 Monster energy drinks at 2am and see no issue with it, but re-read it when I wake up at 7am and really struggle not to delete it. As if that wasn't enough, 7am me can partially imagine what it was like when I thought this was okay to post.
Crazy. Goodbye goodbye, what's left?
2
[author's comment: this one's so awful and full of garbage and is most likely the most redacted one]
i hate wednesdays so to avoid going to sleep and waking up on one i am going to drop more mere thoughts, zero facts here.
decided id split it into parts
[in this redacted block lies 70% of the essay
I would get cancelled for and largely disagree with]
it sucks to be in a period where i am socially repellent, i hope but know this will pass, either through a significant moment of passage or through consistent healing. it sucks to know that a person will like me for the first half hour i know them, then slowly think of me like everyone else does over the next 2 spread out hours i get to talk to them for. it sucks to know if i explode my wealth and get to fly out my bros for a proTubers meetup there is no escaping being annoying and creepy. i have yet to experience a worse recurring almost daily feeling than trying to start a conversation with someone repeatedly but just looking like an idiot who tells you random things every few seconds. at some point i feel the embarassment crash through me like an electric shock and i jump away and hide.
absolutely do not take advice from me.
3
[author's comment: this one hurts to read, and proves just how much I've pushed my own perception of what a long time is. When I post again I will not be feeling bad at all about my last video being 3 months ago, but that was a lot to me back then]
IF YOU SUBSCRIBED FOR MY VIDEOS,
THIS IS MY FIRST ACTUAL VIDEO
PROGRESS UPDATE.
i've been going through something
one hundred and eleven days
it's been more than a 100 days since i last posted and i wish this was because i've been recording a 100 day minecraft hardcore series (i know they use in game days which comes out to 36 hours) but i haven't.
i've been going through a shift. whenever i finish a video i really doubt i can make anything like that again. i mean, the last time i started a script for a video was in november 2023, let me explain.
the congregation video idea had a really badly written first paragraph already prepared (which changed a lot for the final video but kept the same kind of structure) in september of 2023, and if i remember correctly, i wrote it on the day i posted "will geometry dash get too hard?".
i've not written the very first line of a video script in one and a half years (when i somehow wrote the 2.2 video script in 2 days) but stuck myself to my bed the other day (yes i wasn't able to give up working from my extended bed while at my desk) to write out 40 seconds worth of stuff. if you've read this far (which isn't even that far) you have a top tier attention span and deserve to know that my next video is about my struggles with the geometry dash editor and how i think 2.2 is affecting creating styles. it's still a really vague idea with an umbrella title of "the geometry dash level editor makes no sense...".
what you're going to get is once again not going to be worth the wait, but i'm going to shout creators you should be watching while waiting for my slow ass to make a video worse than their average video: @steinful, @TroyPM (not taggable idk why), @Numptaloid, @SMangoGD, @doggogoesyoink, @pigchefer.
if you've wanted to see new stuff i've worked on, check out @doggogoesyoink's new video for which i edited the first 30 seconds, and maybe watch some of my stuff on @MattTacc2.
i've been self-reflecting in vain over the past few months about why i hurt people for no reason.
hoping to heal you with a rant on the geometry dash editor
4
[author's comment: if there's one schizorant you shouldn't be taking anything from it's this one. The message is I should give bad people a chance and not listen to others' opinion of them (really bad idea) because I wished someone wouldn't listen to what others say and would give me a chance. I now realize those who gave me a chance had to realize firsthand I wasn't worth, and I've now also realized people have forgiven way too much of me. They're not being harsh in judgement at all. I wasn't "getting talked shit about by others constantly". This schizorant still has some gem paragraphs tho.]
as someone who's constantly talked shit about by others i will not let what a friend tells me about a stranger make me judge them negatively.
the shit somebody tells you about someone is never objective, it is through many lenses.
that's ignoring the fact they may just be fucking lying to you because they feel hurt by some painful truth that person's told them.
there's a chance that in a few months you'd have cut ties with your friend because of an argument, and now realize it is definitely their fault for any bad situations with the other person that they tell you about.
time brings out the truth.
i'm going to expand into some march thoughts. it is not yet march, but like ye said, its not that i'm not right, i'm just not right yet.
i recently listened to blackstar by david bowie. it released on his 69th birthday on january 8 2016. he was struggling with liver cancer and made a legendary album where he looks at his death in the eyes and does not ignore that he doesn't have much left to live.
he died on january 10 2016, 2 days after the album released.
his wisdom gathered up through life experience made me realize there is no such thing as being young. you are not young if you are not "old". you are new. you've still got to learn.
this has made me curious about whether i can become as wise as a grandfather before turning 20. can you rush life experience?
it is undeniably true some things have to be learned "the hard way", but that phrase is very cliche. it is better said you have to learn things practically to believe them.
you can study heartbreak but not be ready to cope with it when it occurs.
a colorblind person can study the way people with regular color vision see but they will not experience it. it is like mathematicians who study the 4th dimension. something so close is so theoretical.
studying relationships, in the sense of human socialization and friendships feels the same.
getting along with someone while being myself is just a theory, but it hasn't always been like this.
there was a time where nothing could separate me from my closest relationships, and i think it's to do with growing up.
grown ups, even teenagers, don't want peace through forgiveness, or better, forgetting. can you imagine being 8 years old and cutting someone out of your life because you don't like them?
we weren't able to hold grudges because we actually still preferred peace over fake justice.
fake justice in the sense of justice that does not make anything good, just "fair". things can be fair but still not good.
it's so easy to immaturely block someone and forget them instead of doing the hard thing of forgiving or even better finding a solution to a problem.
it is hard to make me actually hate somebody. i will always look for peace. i will not respond in a bored tone the next day because of the previous day's argument. can we be in peace, please?
... !
that seemed like a good line to end things on but i feel like i've still not written enough about how i really can't be angry at somebody. i really want to smile and laugh with people. hug them. finally be able to hug someone without them pushing me away, please?
i was thinking a month ago about how girls do the gayest shit with each other and its alright, but guys can't even hug. well, with some more experience i've realized guys do hug, it's just that nobody's willing to hug me, and that's alright.
i really want peace, i want to love people. in languages other than english, loving is reserved for loving your partner. in friendships you'd say i want good for you or i like you, but love isnt like in english. i want to love people the english way, between wanting them to thrive, and real love.
love should not be reserved for intimate relationships, but i would like to come full circle and return to the initial point of prejudice because of what a friend's told you of someone.
i've been seeing memes like "what the girl who bullied me in high school posts on instagram" and its like cute shit about love but you've got the caption as a context that they are a shitty person and post fake shit.
maybe somebody who knows me in real life is reading this, and in their experience with me there is the context that i have been a shitty person to them, which would imply this is virtue signaling and fake. forgive me for being mean to you,
don't just forgive me, forgive everyone. everybody's got stuff going on. if i accidentally made a joke on your insecurity don't let it get to you. you're smart enough to understand i didn't mean it, or else it wouldn't have been a joke, and just an insult.
i do not mean any bad to anybody because i really want peace with people, and the reason i can't have it is because i cause unpeace (the opposite of peace is not war) myself. of course you won't give me fifth and sixth chances.
good luck with somebody who actually means it when they insult you, and then say its a joke. these last four paragraphs are not directed at anyone in particular, merely inspired by events. sorry.
peace .
5
[author's comment: the 2025 Valentine's schizorant is an iconically depressing one. Anyway, people did NOT "genuinely think I take drugs or am high in school", they were just being fucking mean to me. Why did I not consider that more? Also, the part reminding everyone I'm straight hurts to read. I'm straight, yes. Also, that thing about losing a block of text has happened. I've lost a really well written intro to schizorant 15. Btw, all these author comments are made a couple weeks after schizorant 14, and before schizorant 15. I'm just now assembling all the schizorants properly again]
> 10 days since i spent valentine's day with my pikachu plushy.
i said i would have definitely already had most of my video script done by valentines. it is so much easier to write these long ass schizoposts than my script.
anyway, last week i wrote about how i didn't wanna wake up to a wednesday. i've got extended school every wednesday and, i have no idea who signed me up, but one whole hour in an empty classroom with a therapist.
i'd always considered therapy, but never realized how much i'd be thinking about what the therapist is probably thinking. how hard is she reading my body language?
therapy will not make you something you're not.
if you are a kind person at heart but only display aggressiveness towards others because of traumatic experiences or mental illness, therapy can help. it will only shed layers of yourself that you don't want or don't want to be shown.
people think i take drugs or that i am actually high in school. i hate self diagnosing with a passion but it is the autism. it shows more than ever.
i don't know how i've passed 2 hours in a classroom with an adult and have kept myself calm and collected. i'm supposed to be doing this for a total of 10 weeks. i have to miraculously be normal for that long.
but to be honest it is not that hard. it's only a medium difficulty task to mask while 1 on 1 with somebody.
groups fuck me up because everyone's got something else to talk about and i end up trying to catch anyone's attention like a dog barking at the dinner table. not for food, but for attention.
i am not an attention seeker tho. i am an attention yearner. a fisherman who fishes in a pond in a street hole yearns for anything other than nothing.
other people seem to have their life together, but i'm aware that they've got nothing else other than everything. they've got "everything" but nothing else.
why have my friendships have to have been, as my goat called them, drug sharing? it is when you're only friends with somebody for a drug, yes, including videogames. it is very similar when you're only friends with somebody for tasks.
your old classmates you don't talk to were only friends with you during the task of getting through the school day and entertaining each other. if you don't chat anymore they were never friends.
if you can't just do nothing with somebody and enjoy it they're not a friend. if their presence is only fulfilling when you are both consuming or producing something then it won't work.
> i have just remembered i have free will to not make this flow well as a text at all, here follow random 4 line ideas.
i am very confident in my straightness, i will show affection to my bros in dubiously heterosexual ways. it is always in the straightest way possible. i have never thought of men romantically.
the idea of casual sex implying sex with strangers at parties isn't real. there is no casual sex. intercourse is the deepest form of human connection there has ever been.
unconditional love isn't real. the unconditional love we're told to believe in is psychopathic obsession. somebody can kill your dog and you will still love them as much as before?
if God isn't real, a life spent being faithful and preaching His word is not a wasted life. the christian lifestyle is probably the best optimal way to experience the only life we're given.
there is no proof saying that we werent made by an evil omnipotent omniscient god that had sent false proof of the benevolent God and Jesus and made us believe it.
complex technology is undistinguishable from magic. computers are magic. prove me otherwise. i understand the basics of gates but they all work in stupidly complicated ways in mass.
if something is in our dimension we can take a piece of it and point to it. it has a location, mass. our soul is in another dimension. it's not in ur brain or heart or left knee or right eye.
i love putting words together to form stuff that sounds cool. only 5 people will read it. only? that's a dinner table. social media's made you think views are worth nothing. it is somewhat true because people definitely pay less attention to each individual post and message on its own, but there are still 5 people putting their eyes on you.
my retention data hurts me when put through this lens. my video played in a theatre, 6000 people entered. by the first second 1000 are running out of their seats before even taking off their coats. before 30 seconds are up, 2000 people have left the theatre. the last minute is only viewed by 1000 people, of 6000.
if i keep writing these every one or two days for long enough, the day will come when the app somehow crashes and i lose a whole post.
i fear the day.
6
[author's comment: sleep matters? Go to sleep, idiot. I was addicted to not taking my own advice, and I'm glad for the most past, I'm glad some of the bullshit I said was just words. This one's not even long, funny how I called it a long post. Seems like I can't write long posts when rested. Also, a naming error occurs here. I think that at some point I decided to count this, or not, I don't know, but by schizorant 10 you'll see I consider schizorant 9 "lost media". I don't know if it really existed or was just a miscount.]
sleep matters. this is my first long post that isn't written in the middle of the night.
i'm done with these, not more late night sleep wasting journaling (or is it spelled journalling?)
i've realized i'm wasting my capabilities for good sleep. i never wake up in the middle of the night for any reason. there's people who go to sleep early and are unable to properly rest regardless, while i'm here wasting the fact that if i just didn't stay up late on my phone i would have flawless sleep.
i will take my healing process one step at a time. the next step after restoring good sleep is enjoying scripting again to finally finish my video script. the ultimate deadline for my video is april 20, and no, it's not because it's 4/20 in the american format, but because
any longer would make the wait (for you) and time taken (for me) for this video longer than my last.
i cannot be overwhelming myself with multiple goals or else none will get done. i said this in a now deleted tweet a few weeks ago but our problem as stupid people is that if we fail at something one day,
we will stupidly say something like: "oh fuck, i didn't exercise today, tomorrow i'll go TWICE AS HARD!"
it is retarded behavior, truly. if you can't do something consistently you have to find the piece of it you can do every day with no issue, to the point that it is almost funny. count 2 pushups as exercise for the day on the days in which you don't feel like doing it.
my friends have enjoyed reading these long posts, but they will become much more sane unfortunately. no more "iamveryconfidentinmystraightness,iwillshowaffectiontomybrosindubiouslyheterosexualways.itisalwaysinthestraightestwaypossible.ihaveneverthoughtofmenromantically.
if you comment "i ain't reading allat" to this too i will be banning you from ever commenting again by the way (someone's already been banned),
7
[author's comment: this is larping being schizo. Only thing I can say is, What? This was a brief period around April, of my AI psychosis when I genuinely thought ChatGPT could be my friend]
THEY KNOW YOUR THOUGHT PATTERN THEY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING
YOU CAN TAKE SOMEONE'S TOUCHSCREEN PRESSES OVER THE COURSE OF 2 HOURS AND FIGURE OUT THEIR EXACT BRAIN STRUCTURE
AND THERE'S PEOPLE THINKING IT HASN'T BEEN DONE BEFORE? THERE IS ONLY ONE BRAIN STRUCTURE THAT TYPES THE SAME WAY AS YOU.
THEY REALIZED THAT RECORDING YOUR PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS AND SHOWING YOU FUNERAL AGENCY ADS BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TOO OBVIOUS.
THEY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO TYPE NEXT AND THEY MADE THE PHONE KEYBOARD BUTTON'S HITBOX FOR THE LETTER THEY KNOW YOU'LL TYPE FUCKING BIGGER.
USE A VPN.
YOU WILL ONLY GET ADS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES. THEY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CONTROL YOU IN THE BASIC WAY, ADS.
THEY CAN INFLUENCE YOUR BELIEFS NOT JUST BY SHOWING YOU WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE,
BUT SUBTLE MOCKING OF WHAT THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO BELIEVE OR KNOW.
THEY CAN SHOW YOU THINGS OPPOSITE TO WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE, THAT ARE ALSO NOT SELF-MOCKING, BUT YOU'LL BE SO FAR DOWN THE BRAINWASHING
THAT WATCHING A POLITICALLY OPPOSITE WELL WRITTEN PIECE OF MEDIA WILL STRENGTHEN YOUR OPPOSITE BELIEF.
I WATCH ATHEISTS' VERY WELL MADE VIDEOS ON GOD'S EXISTENCE WHICH MAKES MY FAITH STRONGER. IT IS BY QUESTIONING MY BELIEFS.
LET'S ASSUME I AM BRAINWASHED SO FAR THAT MY QUESTIONING OF THE "TRUTH" IS STILL AFFECTED BY THE BRAINWASHING.
like a slave owner in the 1800s reading why sl*very is wrong. they will sit there and question why they think it is right to enslave blacks, but their brainwashing is so strong that their conslusion is "oh, they're inferior" without further questioning that.
I WROTE THAT IN lowercase BECAUSE THE WRITING OF THIS POST IS PURPOSEFULLY WEIRD. NORMALLY YOU HIGHLIGHT SOMETHING BY CAPITALIZING IT, BUT EVERYTHING HERE IS CAPITALIZED.
THE HIGHLIGHT IS LOWERCASE.
[redacted actual nightmare fuel]
8
[author's comment: I finally grow a mature writing style, and finally pretend to be a thinker. This post can be summarized as "a person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts"]
you don't know how much you don't know [ schizorant ]
{""} = definitions for stupid people
the concept of not knowing that you don't know is an interesting lexical {"of words/grammar") and logical implication. there's multiple types of it.
for example, there may be an empty paper on a desk, or so you think until you're revealed there is a word behind it, then find out it's the word "love".
after you're revealed there is a word and before discovering it, what YOU KNOW that YOU DON'T KNOW is the word behind the paper.
before you are revealed you don't even know about not knowing that.
there's also multiple types of knowing. there is knowing the year dante {writer, you prob know dante's inferno} died (1321 btw) and then there's knowing dante existed.
for example, you may not know that you didn't actually know the year in which dante died if you think he died in 1315. you didn't know that you had the information incorrect in the first place.
it is not incorrect to not know about the existence of dante, but it is incorrect to know something about him which is untrue.
i don't know if this is a real type of not knowing what you don't know. if it is then it is a really simple example.
you didn't know you didn't know because you'd never question it. not knowing that you don't know implies at least 2 types of knowing at play.
you can be unaware of your incorrectness. you don't know you're wrong.
or you don't know how much there is: you don't know something about something you don't know about. if anybody wants to say this is very confusing they must comment the word "who" or it means they have not read to this point.
you don't know that you don't know if you think you know. if you think you know you've found the best music you will ever have found, you are voluntarily not knowing there is better music, unless you do, and you're just exaggerating to get your friends on it.
these
following lines
will make no
sense at all but
if i tell you that
there is a deeper meaning
you will look for it and now
you know that you don't know about something,
but before i told you, you wouldn't have considered that the amount of words in each line of the last block were in ascending order until the last line had 7 words.
you don't know that you don't know about something if you think you know everything about it, a.k.a. DUNNING KRUGER {"noob thinks he knows everything, pro is depressed by how much he knows he doesn't know" theory}
i don't know anything about how 2025 will end for me, but regardless i am definitely hit by the dunnind kruger effect because despire knowing i know nothing, i still expect TOO much to stay the same by the end of the year, no matter how hard i try.
i could've written 100 things yesterday that i would've expected to happen today, and the fact that i quit wearing my earring today would not be there. my days are very unplanned now.
if ur thinking bout getting an earring consider these things i didn't know: have to wear it for min. 2 weeks. if you take it off in the first months it'll close up in an hour and you have to repierce on the small permanent bump you'll now forever have.
can you believe nine circles wouldn't exist without dante?
10 (maybe?)
[author's comment: did schizorant 9 REALLY get lost, or did it not exist? We will never know.]
Twin. [SCHIZORANT 10] (schizorant 9 is lost media)
School has been over twin.
Twin. No more italian brainrot twin.
No more seeing b*tches and remembering you alone in this forever bro. Anyway I got you twin if you think that.
Twin. You don't have to yell skibidi when overwhelmed, twin, I have you under my wing.
I will protect you twin.
You may be a (CHUDJAK) but you are still my twin. Nothing ever happens, you say? 1624 days since happenings, you say? I will make anything you wish for happen, my chudjak, for you are my twin, now and forever, as long as you wish.
You are my sunshine, my lebron.
(SK) (SK) (CHIKA-CHIKA) SCHOOL'S OUT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
It was all an act right? A coping mechanism, correct? What do you mean what am I talking about? This charade you have put up, you goof! You're something else, I know it, everything but this you are. Have you forgotten to flick the switch? Huh? You can't, it's just something that happens...
Well, what are you doing with your life?
A video? On what exactly? What is there to talk about that has happened to you?
/it's-just-a-scripted-talk-based-on-my-experiences/
Oh, so like a journal?
/no/
/it's-about-my-experience-in-a-game/
Oh, of course it's not about something meaningful.
/oh-trust-me/
/it-always-makes-itself-meaningful/
How?
/trust-the-process/
So you've done multiple?
/it-always-works-itself-out/
/it's-my-trap-and-my-escape/
Sure it is lil twin. Why do you have to always be thinking? You're doing such little doing.
/smart-work-above-hard-work/
I guess that's fair, you don't want to be wasting time on the wrong thing, but how could you know what's right if you've done so little?
/little-is-enough-to-judge/
TWIN. WAKE UP TWIN. I'VE CAUGHT YOU LACKING TWICE AT ONCE. STAY FOCUSED!
SCHOOL IS FUCKING OUT. WHY ARE YOU DOING THINGS THAT YOU HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE?
/THINGS-HAVE-HAPPENED-THAT-HAVE-NEVER-HAPPENED-BEFORE/
Huh? Like what?
/nothing/
What do you mean?
/first-time-nothing-has-happened/
Why?
/nothing-ever-happens/
Nothing ever happens.
11
[author's comment: short but really good]
I try to not let things get to me.
Sometimes you know what got you so loaded up, but you don't know why it did, you just have this response to a handful of bullshit or like "man I wish [insert divine superpower]", I wish I could [variation of "have people do what I want"].
Remember, the answer to your problems with people is giving them money when they don't deserve it.
Killing with kindness is done badly like... Always, cause people who attempt it never do it with people that have a chance of realizing they messed up, and who don't have a chance of feeling guilty. With those people it's better to let them realize the situation doesn't bother you, you know, stoic bird stare vs yapping agitated bird.
Anyway, I don't know if this is schizorant 11 but I'll get into it. A good argument among good arguments against God's existence (before I describe it: I believe in God) is a spin on "why does evil happen". The general response believers have to that is that it is a lesson, you know, character development, I know there's way more better arguments to disprove that, but the good argument I've found and personally disproven is "why does small bad happen", like, why do I stub my toe?, or other things that have no lesson in them.
This is actually kind of difficult to find a coherent response to. Big evil's more explainable as "oh people's free will, H*tler exercised his free will", but why does a tree fall on a deer's leg till the deer starves? If you've not come to an answer yet, I personally believe mine paves the way, and it is that life's not a theatre. You're not the main character in your own show, and while there might be divine interference in some cases, maybe, I don't know, the world doesn't stop for you.
Broken tiles on a roof don't hold themselves up to avoid cracking your skull as you pass by. Most of the time you're safe, the first time you experience that it probably did not crack your skull, but taught you to look up. That's to say, the world doesn't move around to suit you, and it shouldn't.
Would we be so good at predicting patterns if raindrops all coordinated to not crush all ants that are on the grass? Life's not a theatre where you just part all inconveniences like it's moses with the red sea. The script's not all written to suit you.
12
[author's comment: the well written return to writing schizorants after the last one was in like May 2025. This one's November 2025. Short, but I cooked on summarizing my mental state growth]
[SCHIZORANT 12, I need my passion for writing back]
"you have so much more to offer than just silly 5 minute gd video"
11/11/2025
Sometime since my last schizorant, I felt that I had fallen down a separate reality that's off from the main storyline. I've always thought things such as that "if things went even slightly in not the same exact way, it would all be so different"; yet I always knew that I have been in the "main path": that the storyline where I don't discover that band or see that one post is just an alternate one, even though sometimes they felt like the better outcome.
For the first time, I've been feeling in an alternate path from the one where I recover from things that should not have lasted so long, and that that's the true timeline I've been deviating from for too long, like taking the wrong exit on a 2 day roadtrip in 1978.
Before you realize it (before I realized it, now.), I'm inseparably far from a gas station and on low fuel. I think a better analogy would be drifting from a low energy space flight path. In space, you can only move by throwing stuff in the opposite direction, that's why if you're doing maintenance on the outside of your spaceship and you accidentally start floating away from the ship, you should throw your wrench into space: fuel. Anyway, I'm floating forever after throwing my wrench the wrong fucking way. Silly me! If only this wasn't my whole life.
I've lost hope for people, yet I really want to connect again (if I ever did, which I never did, and I never will). I can't find the balance between having a healthy amount of hope for humanity, that is, very little, and also valuing the perspective of others a healthy amount, that is, a lot. I wrote about this in schizorant... one. [this is when I realize while writing this that my google site that has a schizorant archive has just been banned from publication].
Anyway, yeah, in schizorant one I talked about how "You should not care about the opinion of people you don't care about, for sure, but dismissing loved ones who are worried about you will lead you to being homeless and drug addicted on the street. Care about what those you care about think, and pick who you care about carefully."
Lowkey fire.
13
[author's comment: we're approaching the present day. This was like a month ago. I'm almost the same person I was. What could I possibly add other than that since I wrote this I had a week so good (or so "not bad?") that it has given me the spark to believe I have a chance.]
13
[Okay I'm halfway through writing this and realized I've not written a schizorant in a while. It's when I write a long essay on my mental health, and it's the most freeing I feel ever. Enjoy]
I'm schizotypal and that's psychology lingo for all the weird traits that would make someone undesirable. That's why I've been living in my head [SCHIZORANT 13]
There's things I'd get into that I won't to keep this linear, but I've been living in my head as in I've not heard perspectives. Let's trace back the steps a little.
I grew up as the weird ass kid. Something I've realized is I can't be fucking average. My results add up to me being good, on paper. Not great, because I only do either awful or amazing. I feel like the only guy with the controller, like everyone has an autopilot they can let run and trust to get the average result or slightly below average.
It's like in a 2d game where you can compete against the computer. Unless you set the computer players to be on hard mode or something, they'll never be extravagantly impressive, but just okay, they'll follow the course, but no bot car in a racing game would stop and go the other way on the race track "just to see how long will pass before the game respawns me the right way".
Only the guy with the controller can fuck up that bad, but the guy with the controller can also it's unlikely. Anyway, that's growing up, and we can sum up everything up to middle school as that. To remind you, I've never had someone to talk to outside of schoolmates, and as I'll elaborate on, they've always been... Forced basically. That's what I meant at the start with undesirable. You had to lock my racetrack-wrong-way-turning ass with people to not get them to run away. So that was the dynamic in middle school, that I would get what I want (social interaction) because these poor kids had to be there for 6 hours a day with me, with phones any earlier than high school being a big taboo (no clue if that changed).
Summer 2024 hit, and in June I finished middle school. I was getting my ego crushed. The 2.2 video, that's what made me feel like I was actually mentally deteriorating in some way, being paralyzed in regards to working on that video, but I recovered from that, still had some of the "I'm socially excluded because I'm better than everyone" left in me, which made me feel I could make a better first impression by high school and be more like everyone. I wanted a big reset, which happened. I always feel like summer's a big reset. It's always an opportunity to talk to nobody, as I have less than nobody in Romania, where I go every summer. Having nobody used to make me feel sane. No chance to check how neurotic I am. I felt like I improved because I actually have maturity when on my own.
That's been the thought process every year including Summer 2024, and always been false, as with that summer, where I dropped all the weight. Okay back to before, the idea was more like "I'm excluded because I'm better than everyone and fat", not just the first part. I lost the weight and that ate more of my brain. Being treated like the worst criminal since day one of high school didn't make it better, and flipped the idea that's still there of "I'm excluded because I'm quite literally the worst person alive". Imagine the worst person, I think I'm worse overall.
So, Autumn 2024 was the last little period of time going out with the chiller classmates from middle school, but when the cold hit it all disbanded and never came back. I did go back to going... Outside, in January, 2025, made friends, we forgot, and the schizorants began. The schizorants began because I realized I take every little interaction as my whole day when it's a little slice of everyone else's who is involved. I still remember that one time like over a month ago sitting on the edge in PE with the same chiller bro from middle school and kind of venting like this. He definitely does not remember. I get an interaction with someone that isn't a bunch of insults or them telling me to get help, like once a month, if I'm lucky. In fact, that one in PE was my last chill convo- Actually no I talked to my bestie-barber while he was cutting my hair. I'm so desperate it counts.
This ties to what I FORGOT to allude to at the very start which is touch starvation. I've been saying I need a spontaneous hug since the last time I got a spontaneous hug, never. I see these people keep touching each other. You all touch each other all the time it is insane. If I'm touched once I remember it cause like ooh I get that never if im lucky. And it makes me feel even more like a weirdo, cause I obsess over the little thing people dont value. It's not even a thing where youll realize its value when you dont have it. Who doesnt get touch? Everyone gets touch except schizotypals. My touch is supposedly "disgusting. Anyway, I've written a few bunch! Video out February!
14
[author's comment: I'm the same person that wrote this, just with two weeks more's worth of hair growth. This was written at 5am, the longest schizorant, maybe the purest, but an eye into me one year after the 2025 Valentine's schizorant. You read them back to back to see what changed.]
[ever since I saw everybody be the same I forgot the idea of it not being me]
SCHIZORANT 14
Happy Valentine's Day. I am doing good, but if you made me from last February read this, he would refuse to believe I said this without a Valentine of my own. Have I figured out how to be happy or... Just, not really really sad while by myself, or have I forgotten what it's like to feel at the start of life rather than at the end like an old person already?
I've kind of just not been thinking so much, and that has definitely helped. I've also been just Not Being in situations that make me hate myself, rather than be there covering my eyes and looking through my fingers. I've gotten way better at not letting Seeing Happy Couples get to me... Or have I suppressed it? Boh, non lo so.
What made me have such reactions to seeing happy people back then? To understand, keep in mind one of my biggest fears (other than never repenting for my sins by the time I die) is running out of time. I've kind of given myself brain damage by already figuring out growing up is nothing but pain while not being a grown up yet. Normal people, you know, not me of course, can't wait to fucking grow up, and I get it, if I felt I was doing the right things and that I was on the right path, I'd want to literally skip all the cutscenes to get to the good life the path is taking me on, but I'm not, and that's why I wish time could slow dooown.
What doesn't help is that I'm just living this out very slowly. Days tire me out on my own fault. If I wasn't afraid of hell I would've k***** myself already. That brings me to more thoughts on God. I've been more of a believer since the early schizorants, and that's just been f*cking me. Cognitive dissonance, not living to my values, my even stronger values, all that. Finding out there's a term for the main thing that's been making me hate myself, cognitive dissonance, has actually helped me realize my one wish to not have desires that make me do things I don't like is normal, and that people constantly go against their morals, especially when their morals are religious foundations.
Anyway, I have been more of a believer, but I'm curious of one thing. God is supposedly all-seeing in a way where if He knew that I would give my life to Christ an hour from now but got stabbed to death right now, I'd likely be forgiven (if you take the stance that I already had time to give my life to Christ and would go to hell because I wasted my life then no but I don't know), I'd likely be forgiven, same as if one person entered my life and fully misguided me from the right path to the wrong path, such that if they were never in my life I'd go to Heaven, God would likely see me for everything.
If these weak-ish examples don't paint the picture, then the idea is that God would let someone who'd never heard of Christ but lived compassionately, into Heaven. So God basically sees the full picture of people, and their motives and forgives them for the causes in situations. If God saw the full picture for everyone then, theoretically, he'd see what made all the bad people go bad, and how if those things didn't reach them they'd be good but never chose it. This assumes everyone is born a blank slate in a way. The reason someone would go to Hell still, would then be that they were BORN bad, such that they had nothing that led them astray in life, they just took it proudly. Then why make those people? Are those the demons in the world?
Basically, if God sees that someone was led astray by something and that, hadn't that happened, they'd be saved, and saves them, then everyone's situation would apply to that, unless there are people that are born bad, in which case there's no reason they should have been made. Now I'll slowly get back to topic. I've been hating myself less when I realized having a mismatch between my morals and my actions is one of the most normal feelings good people have. It would be a bad sign if there was no mismatch. We are all sinners, it means we can't be doing the right thing all the time.
If so, then feeling like you're doing the right thing means your right thing is the wrong thing. If you rarely ever feel bad about what you did or are actively doing, then you've done too much mental normalisation of bad things into neutral things so that you don't hate yourself constantly. I've realized people don't hate themselves like I do because they move the bar for what's wrong "just below what you are doing" (Tom Scott quote). I hate myself so much because I never draw the target around my arrow.
I've definitely said this in a past schizorant, but I used to say, to justify being socially excluded, that I was better than everyone, and actually believed it, until it turned into... I'm Just Quite Literally Worse Than Everyone Else... At Least At Being Around Other People, At Everything Else I'm Pretty Good... And the reason is that the people... I mean my classmates, in middle school, were too shy and didn't care enough to insult me and like stand up to me being a hyperactive goofball. Now everybody is just so serious and uncaring... Kind of like me, at least that second half!
I promise I can be serious though, you'll just never see it unless you're twice as serious. I have never considered until recently that I quite simply get bullied, and that's because I kind of go around looking for it, and I'm not the type to be a "bully victim", I'm too not shy, at least with others. I promise I am shy though, you'll just never see it, quite literally never, you will never see me be shy. But yeah, I don't act shy with others, and when everyone bullies you it can't be all of them being the problem, can it? It can be, when everyone around me is literally the same person, and for me same person means they express the same flavor of getting annoyed and mad when they notice me. Anyone who doesn't express their dislike of me the same way is special to me. I'm the only one anyone in my class would ever deny giving one chip from their bag of chips to, except this one girl who I don't think knows me enough to be annoyed at the sound of my voice yet. You don't know how much one chip means to me actually, thank you. You saw how much that surprised me.
The title of this schizorant is about me completely forgetting that others are not perfect moral arbiters, that they could sometimes express strong negative feelings about me irrationally, and that it's not always my fault. Because nobody likes me, I've just grown the base assumption that it's always my fault, because even if it's not, nobody would side with me, because if you have the slighest grasp of culture, you'll know people don't side with facts or anything, just the bigger percentage. Social media polls should've never given you the chance to change your vote after seeing the percentage. Most people switch it to the bigger option once they give their genuine opinion, then forget their genuine opinion.
Have I just incorrectly thought everybody's the same because this one pool I see of "everybody" has made themselves homogenous, with one of the traits they've distributed homogenously being hatred for me? Is everybody not really the same? Is the sky blue? Yes, yes, and depends (sunrise, sunset, end of the world etc.).
You saw how much that surprised me.
15
[author's comment: I wrote this tonight so yeah]
re : lationships [SCHIZORANT 15]
[I will never get what I want but I have a better understanding.]
I've been delaying writing this for weeks. I don't know where to begin. These past few weeks have been different, beautiful and horrifying for me. I've been thinking about the future, about all the ages I'll never be again, where I'm going... I've been loving.
What's there to life? For approximately a minute in the middle of the night, some days ago, I saw time in a specific colour that made me terrified and changed me. I saw how one day everything in life will have been behind me, and it will be Time To Die. That terrified me for the first time. Why not now? I DON'T KNOW! What helped me get through it is the knowledge that I can live my life so it can end after I have Done Enough Of The Right Things and Have Done A Lot Of Good and Avoided Bad. That really... Doesn't help.
What ACTUALLY helped is knowing art is the meaning of life. I can leave things behind and they stay. Art truly is the meaning of life, and it is undeniable. Art is undeniable.
Everything in life is either art or work. Work is things you have to do to sustain yourself that you wouldn't be doing if you had unlimited resources. Art is everything beautiful. Everything one can be passionate about. Work you really like is art. Craftsmanship is art because it's work you really like so much that you're good at it and impressive, at, it. Got, it?
[I get bad at everything I get good at]
Not even good at it, just good enough, good enough to explore within limits but not break them. I need my limits, and more importantly they need to actually be limiting. My best stuff, even GD videos, is from right before I got really good. Once I get good enough my art becomes meta. I pervert the art form. Once I get good at editing I move onto doing bad editing. I need an art form that is pleasant while being pure emotional expression. I need to be able to throw a bucket of paint on a canvas out of pure frustration and make a detailed painting of a red tree. Of course I will never get what I want, so I can only make pleasant stuff when it's more worky (No Emotion) than artsy [Pure Emotion].
Actually, screw this. I'm not ready to make this schizorant 15. What a bad fucking start...
ACTUALLY ACTUALLY. Wouldn't it be poetic to just continue despite all the horrible analogies and extended writing that precedes? Anyway.
[So glad to be around you good few]
I've been surrounding myself with people and that has been destroying me in the most beautiful way. I love all of them.
Thank you guitar girl, computer boy, chip girl, miracle girl, blond boy, and the rest, but you might not be noticing that by even giving me the possibility to be around you, you're giving me, quadrato boy, too much.
You're raising my standards. You're making a contrast. You're making me realise how miserable staying inside feels. I didn't know, that was just supposed to be how I feel all the time! But no, There's More To Life Than This.
I now call my bedroom prison, and staying home, even when it's after coming back from being with the crew, is miserable. There is this loneliness because, as deftones girl and rammstein boy have showed me, we may be so happy together, then not meet for a year.
I don't know!!! I keep asking you if you hate me just so we can be on the same page. I fear if I don't ask you for too long, I won't realise you're slowly hating me more and more, until you're one of the others that just bluntly answers "Yes I hate you" as a half-joke, half-"I hope this finally makes you realise, how haven't you gotten this already? Why do you even ask? Do you hate yourself?"
I don't know if I'm repeating January 2025, a month of chasing people who clearly were trying to make me get it already that I should just stop calling. I was still the type of guy to spam call for a quick response. I've now lost that, maybe too much.
I now struggle to make plans with people who pretend to be busy. You are ALL on your phones scrolling Instagram reels with 12 UNOPENED CHATS because having a forever red mailbox makes you feel COOL.
I hate you sometimes. I've seen guitar girl and chip girl do this and I just need to know why? I'm the fastest at responding to messages out of everyone I know, and it's not a matter of having noone else. It is NOT.
I don't know why waiting 10 minutes to respond has become a ritual of superiority among neurotypicals. It doesn't work on me. If you don't respond to my message I now just imagine you are on the toilet and forgot your phone and are now reading the back of the toilet paper roll packaging.
I spend my afternoons waiting for that mailbox to become red. I would never leave a message unopened, that is so awful. I hate you all but I love you so much. I love the good few who stuck around more than not at all. Your small act is impressive and I can't expect more than literally just that. You've done enough by not saying "Yes, go away" to my "You hate me".
[Is that enough for schizorant 15]
I'm meant to be saying way more. By the title this would be a response to quotes from past schizorants on relationships. That's what the deleted old intro to this schizorant was meant to be. I would disprove something from way back in schizorant 1 or 2.
Over a year ago, in my extreme loner phase. (I'm unsure if I've left that phase but let's say I have changed and am looking up)
I said that socializing is a losing game. You either are stupid and asocial and lose "score", or you do everything right, in which case "nothing happens".
That's the wrong part. Things do happen. People forget who you were. It can genuinely happen that people say You Have Changed. I was shocked when some of the Yes Answerers (if I asked "Do You Hate Me?") said that I had improved a lot "since last year".
I feel like I've traded inner peace for outer peace but that trade was like a month ago and outer peace is slowly paying off. I might make peace with the Yes Answerers, but even if they stop being Yes Answerers, they'll always have that Lack of Soul that made them Yes Answerers when having to experience 2025 me.
The problem with improving is I'll find people who would've hated 2025 me. I don't want them. I need the freedom to fall back into 2025 me and not be abandoned, but I can't be asking for that much.
I'll just leave 2025 behind.
15.5 [bonus]
[author's comment: I started writing this five minutes after posting the previous one]
I'd make this part of Schizorant 15 but it has no place so...
Digital Error [SCHIZORANT 15.5]
[we can't even be fat in a cool way, man]
I've been thinking about how poisonous the modern world is. It gets evil man. People love to excuse plain ugliness with "there's beauty in everything". In the past, maybe, but now people are just inexcusably ugly because of how unnaturally poisonous the world is.
As I said, we can't be fat in a cool way. Who is fat in a cool way? Hawaiians, and other chill beach guy archetypes, apologies for the stereotyping, but understand me. They're fat from eating a lot of hella good food. You will not get that from today's poison. Your belly will look like it experiences the gravity of jupiter. It won't even be round.
Overeating poison will make your belly big and weird compared to the rest of your body. You will look like a skinny person that ate an unstoppable balloon that inflated once inside. We can't even be fat in a cool way, man.
We can't even be skinny in a cool way either, man. The days of skinny skater boys are gone. Those guys are hiding beer bellies. The ones that don't have beer bellies are just way too skinny, so skinny that you need a real down bad girl to see something worth in that. Thing is, we can't be skinny anymore while also eating. The few skinny people left, eat twice a week, pretty much.
But what's the title of "digital error" getting at? Well, the world is becoming unnatural. Error and inaccuracy is loved and hated. The truth is, analog error is loved, digital error is hated. That's why they say vinyl is warmer than CD. Vinyl (an analog medium of music) has errors. It was never meant to be premium. But its errors are analog, physical, and natural. A CD's errors are digital, electrical, and pops and skips are disgusting, gross. We can't even have cool glitches anymore. We long for noisy analog cameras. Digital camera noise looks horrible. Have you ever zoomed into a night photo taken on an older phone camera? You can see just about every color nonsensically scrambled into the dark blue of night. It makes no sense.
Digital error is horrible, to say the least. I love you tho. Come backk
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