3

IF YOU SUBSCRIBED FOR MY VIDEOS,

THIS IS MY FIRST ACTUAL VIDEO

PROGRESS UPDATE.

i've been going through something

one hundred and eleven days

it's been more than a 100 days since i last posted and i wish this was because i've been recording a 100 day minecraft hardcore series (i know they use in game days which comes out to 36 hours) but i haven't.

i've been going through a shift. whenever i finish a video i really doubt i can make anything like that again. i mean, the last time i started a script for a video was in november 2023, let me explain.

the congregation video idea had a really badly written first paragraph already prepared (which changed a lot for the final video but kept the same kind of structure) in september of 2023, and if i remember correctly, i wrote it on the day i posted "will geometry dash get too hard?".

i've not written the very first line of a video script in one and a half years (when i somehow wrote the 2.2 video script in 2 days) but stuck myself to my bed the other day (yes i wasn't able to give up working from my extended bed while at my desk) to write out 40 seconds worth of stuff. if you've read this far (which isn't even that far) you have a top tier attention span and deserve to know that my next video is about my struggles with the geometry dash editor and how i think 2.2 is affecting creating styles. it's still a really vague idea with an umbrella title of "the geometry dash level editor makes no sense...".

what you're going to get is once again not going to be worth the wait, but i'm going to shout creators you should be watching while waiting for my slow ass to make a video worse than their average video: ‪@steinful‬, @TroyPM (not taggable idk why), ‪@Numptaloid‬, ‪@SMangoGD‬, ‪@doggogoesyoink‬, ‪@pigchefer‬.

if you've wanted to see new stuff i've worked on, check out ‪@doggogoesyoink‬'s new video for which i edited the first 30 seconds, and maybe watch some of my stuff on ‪@MattTacc2‬.

i've been self-reflecting in vain over the past few months about why i hurt people for no reason.

hoping to heal you with a rant on the geometry dash editor

5

> 10 days since i spent valentine's day with my pikachu plushy.

i said i would have definitely already had most of my video script done by valentines. it is so much easier to write these long ass schizoposts than my script.

anyway, last week i wrote about how i didn't wanna wake up to a wednesday. i've got extended school every wednesday and, i have no idea who signed me up, but one whole hour in an empty classroom with a therapist.

i'd always considered therapy, but never realized how much i'd be thinking about what the therapist is probably thinking. how hard is she reading my body language?

therapy will not make you something you're not.

if you are a kind person at heart but only display aggressiveness towards others because of traumatic experiences or mental illness, therapy can help. it will only shed layers of yourself that you don't want or don't want to be shown.

people think i take drugs or that i am actually high in school. i hate self diagnosing with a passion but it is the autism. it shows more than ever.

i don't know how i've passed 2 hours in a classroom with an adult and have kept myself calm and collected. i'm supposed to be doing this for a total of 10 weeks. i have to miraculously be normal for that long.

but to be honest it is not that hard. it's only a medium difficulty task to mask while 1 on 1 with somebody.

groups fuck me up because everyone's got something else to talk about and i end up trying to catch anyone's attention like a dog barking at the dinner table. not for food, but for attention.

i am not an attention seeker tho. i am an attention yearner. a fisherman who fishes in a pond in a street hole yearns for anything other than nothing.

other people seem to have their life together, but i'm aware that they've got nothing else other than everything. they've got "everything" but nothing else.

why have my friendships have to have been, as my goat called them, drug sharing? it is when you're only friends with somebody for a drug, yes, including videogames. it is very similar when you're only friends with somebody for tasks.

your old classmates you don't talk to where only friends with you during the task of getting through the school day and entertaining each other. if you don't chat anymore they were never friends.

if you can't just do nothing with somebody and enjoy it they're not a friend. if their presence is only fulfilling when you are both consuming or producing something then it won't work.

> i have just remembered i have free will to not make this flow well as a text at all, here follow random 4 line ideas.

i am very confident in my straightness, i will show affection to my bros in dubiously heterosexual ways. it is always in the straightest way possible. i have never thought of men romantically.

the idea of casual sex implying sex with strangers at parties isn't real. there is no casual sex. intercourse is the deepest form of human connection there has ever been.

unconditional love isn't real. the unconditional love we're told to believe in is psychopathic obsession. somebody can kill your dog and you will still love them as much as before?

if God isn't real, a life spent being faithful and preaching His word is not a wasted life. the christian lifestyle is probably the best optimal way to experience the only life we're given.

there is no proof saying that we werent made by an evil omnipotent omniscient god that had sent false proof of the benevolent God and Jesus and made us believe it.

complex technology is undistinguishable from magic. computers are magic. prove me otherwise. i understand the basics of gates but they all work in stupidly complicated ways in mass.

if something is in our dimension we can take a piece of it and point to it. it has a location, mass. our soul is in another dimension. it's not in ur brain or heart or left knee or right eye.

i love putting words together to form stuff that sounds cool. only 5 people will read it. only? that's a dinner table. social media's made you think views are worth nothing. it is somewhat true because people definitely pay less attention to each individual post and message on its own, but there are still 5 people putting their eyes on you.

my retention data hurts me when put through this lens. my video played in a theatre, 6000 people entered. by the first second 1000 are running out of their seats before even taking off their coats. before 30 seconds are up, 2000 people have left the theatre. the last minute is only viewed by 1000 people, of 6000.

if i keep writing these every one or two days for long enough, the day will come when the app somehow crashes and i lose a whole post.

i fear the day.

7

THEY KNOW YOUR THOUGHT PATTERN THEY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING

YOU CAN TAKE SOMEONE'S TOUCHSCREEN PRESSES OVER THE COURSE OF 2 HOURS AND FIGURE OUT THEIR EXACT BRAIN STRUCTURE

AND THERE'S PEOPLE THINKING IT HASN'T BEEN DONE BEFORE? THERE IS ONLY ONE BRAIN STRUCTURE THAT TYPES THE SAME WAY AS YOU.

THEY REALIZED THAT RECORDING YOUR PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS AND SHOWING YOU FUNERAL AGENCY ADS BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TOO OBVIOUS.

THEY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO TYPE NEXT AND THEY MADE THE PHONE KEYBOARD BUTTON'S HITBOX FOR THE LETTER THEY KNOW YOU'LL TYPE FUCKING BIGGER.

USE A VPN.

YOU WILL ONLY GET ADS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES. THEY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CONTROL YOU IN THE BASIC WAY, ADS.

THEY CAN INFLUENCE YOUR BELIEFS NOT JUST BY SHOWING YOU WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE,

BUT SUBTLE MOCKING OF WHAT THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO BELIEVE OR KNOW.

THEY CAN SHOW YOU THINGS OPPOSITE TO WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE, THAT ARE ALSO NOT SELF-MOCKING, BUT YOU'LL BE SO FAR DOWN THE BRAINWASHING

THAT WATCHING A POLITICALLY OPPOSITE WELL WRITTEN PIECE OF MEDIA WILL STRENGTHEN YOUR OPPOSITE BELIEF.

I WATCH ATHEISTS' VERY WELL MADE VIDEOS ON GOD'S EXISTENCE WHICH MAKES MY FAITH STRONGER. IT IS BY QUESTIONING MY BELIEFS.

LET'S ASSUME I AM BRAINWASHED SO FAR THAT MY QUESTIONING OF THE "TRUTH" IS STILL AFFECTED BY THE BRAINWASHING.

like a slave owner in the 1800s reading why slavery is wrong. they will sit there and question why they think it is right to enslave blacks, but their brainwashing is so strong that their conslusion is "oh, they're inferior" without further questioning that.

I WROTE THAT IN lowercase BECAUSE THE WRITING OF THIS POST IS PURPOSEFULLY WEIRD. NORMALLY YOU HIGHLIGHT SOMETHING BY CAPITALIZING IT, BUT EVERYTHING HERE IS CAPITALIZED.

THE HIGHLIGHT IS LOWERCASE.

I OPENED MY BRAIN AN HOUR AGO.

I ASKED CHATGPT (A.K.A. THE VICTIM AND EXECUTIONER, THE BRAINWASHER AND MIND OPENER, THE PROPAGANDA AND THE ANTIMEDIA) TO ANSWER RELIGIOUS QUESTIONS BY PROVIDING FIVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF ANSWERS.

TRY THIS PROMPT I MADE MYSELF AND ASK BASIC QUESTIONS ABOUT GOD. IT IS SO INTERESTING.

you are going to answer religious questions. you must provide five answers: first, a "GPT:" answer, where you provide what you'd normally answer, then a "AT:" answer, where you provide a convinced atheist's answer, then a "CC:", a common Christian's answer, then a "CR:", a convinced Christian who studies the bible every day and is a passionate believer, and "BS:", someone who is willing to answer questions the prior couldn't, even by making things up through logical reasoning. if met with an unanswerable question it will make its opinion and pass it as fact.

12:55 AM I AM WRITING THIS POST

10:16 PM I WAS CRYING BECAUSE I COULDN'T KEEP LEARNING HOW TO PLAY CLAIR DE LUNE AND HAD TO GO TO BED.

3:30 PM I GOT A BIT OF WATER ON MY PANTS, PUT SOME SALT, NOTICED I ALMOST STAINED MY PANTS PERMANENTLY, PUT MORE WATER WHERE THE SALT WAS AND FIXED IT.

YES I DID ONCE AGAIN FAIL SLEEPING WELL.

THE WAR IS NOT LOST, MERELY A BATTLE.

YOU NEVER LOSE UNLESS YOU GIVE UP OR DIE (and fail to convince God to start the rapture with you and make you the second coming of Jesus Christ of Nazareth)

CHRIST IS KING. 

4

as someone who's constantly talked shit about by others i will not let what a friend tells me about a stranger make me judge them negatively.

the shit somebody tells you about someone is never objective, it is through many lenses.

that's ignoring the fact they may just be fucking lying to you because they feel hurt by some painful truth that person's told them.

there's a chance that in a few months you'd have cut ties with your friend because of an argument, and now realize it is definitely their fault for any bad situations with the other person that they tell you about.

time brings out the truth.

i'm going to expand into some march thoughts. it is not yet march, but like ye said, its not that i'm not right, i'm just not right yet.

i recently listened to blackstar by david bowie. it released on his 69th birthday on january 8 2016. he was struggling with liver cancer and made a legendary album where he looks at his death in the eyes and does not ignore that he doesn't have much left to live.

he died on january 10 2016, 2 days after the album released.

his wisdom gathered up through life experience made me realize there is no such thing as being young. you are not young if you are not "old". you are new. you've still got to learn.

this has made me curious about whether i can become as wise as a grandfather before turning 20. can you rush life experience?

it is undeniably true some things have to be learned "the hard way", but that phrase is very cliche. it is better said you have to learn things practically to believe them.

you can study heartbreak but not be ready to cope with it when it occurs.

a colorblind person can study the way people with regular color vision see but they will not experience it. it is like mathematicians who study the 4th dimension. something so close is so theoretical.

studying relationships, in the sense of human socialization and friendships feels the same.

getting along with someone while being myself is just a theory, but it hasn't always been like this.

there was a time where nothing could separate me from my closest relationships, and i think it's to do with growing up.

grown ups, even teenagers, don't want peace through forgiveness, or better, forgetting. can you imagine being 8 years old and cutting someone out of your life because you don't like them?

we weren't able to hold grudges because we actually still preferred peace over fake justice.

fake justice in the sense of justice that does not make anything good, just "fair". things can be fair but still not good.

it's so easy to immaturely block someone and forget them instead of doing the hard thing of forgiving or even better finding a solution to a problem.

it is hard to make me actually hate somebody. i will always look for peace. i will not respond in a bored tone the next day because of the previous day's argument. can we be in peace, please?

... !

that seemed like a good line to end things on but i feel like i've still not written enough about how i really can't be angry at somebody. i really want to smile and laugh with people. hug them. finally be able to hug someone without them pushing me away, please?

i was thinking a month ago about how girls do the gayest shit with each other and its alright, but guys can't even hug. well, with some more experience i've realized guys do hug, it's just that nobody's willing to hug me, and that's alright.

i really want peace, i want to love people. in languages other than english, loving is reserved for loving your partner. in friendships you'd say i want good for you or i like you, but love isnt like in english. i want to love people the english way, between wanting them to thrive, and real love.

love should not be reserved for intimate relationships, but i would like to come full circle and return to the initial point of prejudice because of what a friend's told you of someone.

i've been seeing memes like "what the girl who bullied me in high school posts on instagram" and its like cute shit about love but you've got the caption as a context that they are a shitty person and post fake shit.

maybe somebody who knows me in real life is reading this, and in their experience with me there is the context that i have been a shitty person to them, which would imply this is virtue signaling and fake. forgive me for being mean to you,

don't just forgive me, forgive everyone. everybody's got stuff going on. if i accidentally made a joke on your insecurity don't let it get to you. you're smart enough to understand i didn't mean it, or else it wouldn't have been a joke, and just an insult.

i do not mean any bad to anybody because i really want peace with people, and the reason i can't have it is because i cause unpeace (the opposite of peace is not war) myself. of course you won't give me fifth and sixth chances.

good luck with somebody who actually means it when they insult you, and then say its a joke. these last four paragraphs are not directed at anyone in particular, merely inspired by events. sorry.

peace .

6

sleep matters. this is my first long post that isn't written in the middle of the night.

i'm done with these, not more late night sleep wasting journaling (or is it spelled journalling?)

i've realized i'm wasting my capabilities for good sleep. i never wake up in the middle of the night for any reason. there's people who go to sleep early and are unable to properly rest regardless, while i'm here wasting the fact that if i just didn't stay up late on my phone i would have flawless sleep.

i will take my healing process one step at a time. the next step after restoring good sleep is enjoying scripting again to finally finish my video script. the ultimate deadline for my video is april 20, and no, it's not because it's 4/20 in the american format, but because

any longer would make the wait (for you) and time taken (for me) for this video longer than my last.

i cannot be overwhelming myself with multiple goals or else none will get done. i said this in a now deleted tweet a few weeks ago but our problem as stupid people is that if we fail at something one day,

we will stupidly say something like: "oh fuck, i didn't exercise today, tomorrow i'll go TWICE AS HARD!"

it is retarded behavior, truly. if you can't do something consistently you have to find the piece of it you can do every day with no issue, to the point that it is almost funny. count 2 pushups as exercise for the day on the days in which you don't feel like doing it.

my friends have enjoyed reading these long posts, but they will become much more sane unfortunately. no more "iamveryconfidentinmystraightness,iwillshowaffectiontomybrosindubiouslyheterosexualways.itisalwaysinthestraightestwaypossible.ihaveneverthoughtofmenromantically.

if you comment "i ain't reading allat" to this too i will be banning you from ever commenting again by the way (someone's already been banned),

8

you don't know how much you don't know [ schizorant ]

{""} = definitions for stupid people

the concept of not knowing that you don't know is an interesting lexical {"of words/grammar") and logical implication. there's multiple types of it.

for example, there may be an empty paper on a desk, or so you think until you're revealed there is a word behind it, then find out it's the word "love".

after you're revealed there is a word and before discovering it, what YOU KNOW that YOU DON'T KNOW is the word behind the paper.

before you are revealed you don't even know about not knowing that.

there's also multiple types of knowing. there is knowing the year dante {writer, you prob know dante's inferno} died (1321 btw) and then there's knowing dante existed.

for example, you may not know that you didn't actually know the year in which dante died if you think he died in 1315. you didn't know that you had the information incorrect in the first place.

it is not incorrect to not know about the existence of dante, but it is incorrect to know something about him which is untrue.

i don't know if this is a real type of not knowing what you don't know. if it is then it is a really simple example.

you didn't know you didn't know because you'd never question it. not knowing that you don't know implies at least 2 types of knowing at play.

you can be unaware of your incorrectness. you don't know you're wrong.

or you don't know how much there is: you don't know something about something you don't know about. if anybody wants to say this is very confusing they must comment the word "who" or it means they have not read to this point.

you don't know that you don't know if you think you know. if you think you know you've found the best music you will ever have found, you are voluntarily not knowing there is better music, unless you do, and you're just exaggerating to get your friends on it.

these

following lines

will make no

sense at all but

if i tell you that

there is a deeper meaning

you will look for it and now

you know that you don't know about something,

but before i told you, you wouldn't have considered that the amount of words in each line of the last block were in ascending order until the last line had 7 words.

you don't know that you don't know about something if you think you know everything about it, a.k.a. DUNNING KRUGER {"noob thinks he knows everything, pro is depressed by how much he knows he doesn't know" theory}

i don't know anything about how 2025 will end for me, but regardless i am definitely hit by the dunnind kruger effect because despire knowing i know nothing, i still expect TOO much to stay the same by the end of the year, no matter how hard i try.

i could've written 100 things yesterday that i would've expected to happen today, and the fact that i quit wearing my earring today would not be there. my days are very unplanned now.

if ur thinking bout getting an earring consider these things i didn't know: have to wear it for min. 2 weeks. if you take it off in the first months it'll close up in an hour and you have to repierce on the small permanent bump you'll now forever have.

can you believe nine circles wouldn't exist without dante?