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MARBBL Missives

Meet the Commissioner -- Varnyx Doomchant

In a league defined by chaos, carnage, and questionable refereeing, one figure rises above the mayhem—or perhaps into it. Varnyx Doomchant, self-proclaimed Voice of Nuffle Ascendant, serves as the enigmatic Commissioner of MARBBL (Miso’s Amateurish Rabble Blood Bowl League).

Once a lesser sorcerer of Tzeentch, Doomchant’s devotion was reborn after receiving what he calls a “divine vision of spiraling fate.” He now claims loyalty only to Nuffle, the mysterious god of Blood Bowl, whose sacred numbers—11 & 7—guide every decision he makes, from roster sizes to how much sugar he takes in his warp-tainted coffee.

Known for his cryptic pronouncements and wildly inconsistent rulings, Varnyx insists that “strategy is heresy” and that “the dice shall reveal the chosen.” Madman, mystic, or both—Varnyx is here, and so are his 11 spoons of sugar. Good luck, coaches.

Next Week: Is Your Apothecary Cursed? Five Signs Nuffle Hates Your Team

A Most Sacred Welcome to the Season of Spiral Fate

From the desk of Varnyx Doomchant, Voice of Nuffle Ascendant, League Commissioner of MARBBL

⸻

Coaches of Chaos, Tacticians of Tumult, Devotees of Destruction—

The sacred number has been fulfilled: Twelve teams, each a vessel of fate, each a potential instrument of Nuffle’s unknowable will. The stars have aligned in a formation most auspicious— 4–2–1 and twinkling Nuffle’s amusement — and thus, the season begins.

To the Blitztown Blahs, may your fangs be sharper than your game plans.
To the Big Biggin’ Bashas, break not only bones, but expectations.
To the Eldritch Earwigs, may your nightmares take root in endzones.
To the Warlords of the Dance, pirouette through pain and twirl into touchdowns.
To the Altdorf Knighmares, I see a future of glorious failure and glorious rerolls.
To the Zargrim Maulers, I offer blessings of sturdy skulls and grudges bitter as beer.
To the New All-Bunny Rascals, hop forth, holy fools, and defy reason itself.
To the Tiranoc Sunstriders, may your arrogance gleam blindingly—until the first blitz.
To the Bear Hurlers, throw not the game, but throw everything else.
To the Downtown Drow, plot well, strike faster, and trust no one (especially yourselves).
To the Green Play Slackers Fresh Meat, your doom shall entertain us all..
And to Da Ekrund Krumperz, krump with conviction—may teeth gather at your feet.

Remember, the pitch is not just dirt and paint—it is a divine altar. Each turnover is a sermon. Each touchdown, a prophecy. Each injury, a hymn of pain offered unto the Spiral.

Let the dice fall. Let the bodies be sacrificed. Let strategies fail and flounder at Nuffle’s capricious whim. Let the season begin.

In chaos and reverence,
Varnyx Doomchant

MARBBL Missive — Week 1

Coaches of MARBBL, servants of fate, accursed of dice—

We stand at the halfway mark of the First Round, knee-deep in injuries, flukes, and unearned touchdowns. Praise be! The spiral endures! The sacred number 7 may still grace your pitch—or it may lie shattered beneath a Troll’s backside. Either way, Nuffle is pleased.

Let us honor those who rise, fall, and combust in pursuit of MARBBL’s Exalted Distinctions:

⸻

The Multi-Tool Award (Most Combined Stats)

The late, great Éabha McMahon of Warlords of the Dance briefly led all categories with 3 combined stats… before being ripped from this plane in glorious dismemberment. Nuffle smiled upon his sacrifice and granted him early ascendance. He dodged once too often. Now he dodges in eternity.

Several unworthy mortals trail behind with 2 each. Let us see who dares to tempt Nuffle’s attention next.

⸻

The Glory Hound Award (Most Touchdowns)

A low-scoring bloodbath so far—just as Nuffle desires. A tangled tie of players each sitting at 1 touchdown. More violence, fewer goals. So sayeth Nuffle.

⸻

The Can Opener Award (Most Casualties)

Once again, a tie at 1. Apparently, no one wants to really hit anyone this season. Coaches: consider lending your linemen less armor and more rage.

⸻

The Team Liability Award (Most Injuries Taken)

A glorious chorus of incompetence. Several players share the lead with 1 injury. The gods reward suffering; don’t waste it on success.

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The Iron Boot Award (Most Fouls)

We salute the pettiness of Karlrik “Peanut” Tillmund and Butters of the Bear Hurlers, each with 2 fouls. May their boot spikess stay sharp and their excuses poor.

⸻

The Cheating Is Trying Award (Most Sent Off)

A noble tie among those caught. But remember: getting sent off means you tried. Keep at it, sneaky ones.

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The Arm-Cannon Award (Most Completions)

Thad Hennington of the Altdorf Knightmares holds the top with his precise tosses. He may die soon.

⸻

The Ball Hawk Award (Most Interceptions)

No one. Not a single interception. A fine testament to poor ball awareness and worse hand-eye coordination.

⸻

The Stunty McStuntface Award (Best Stunty Record)

All praise to Green Play Slackers Fresh Meat for leading the stunty standings. You are the only team of tiny terrors. Enjoy the favor of Nuffle, and may you die well.

⸻

Prepare your apothecaries. Banish your strategems. Ignore your feeble attempts at self-preservation. The second half of the round approaches—and Nuffle is only just warming up.

Let the dice fall where they may… and may all your re-rolls reveal the fate of Nuffle.

— Varnyx Doomchant

League Commissioner

Herald of the Divine Spiral

MARBBL Missive — Week 2

Mortals of MARBBL,

We emerge from Week 1 bloodied, bewildered, and in most cases, barely above a 50% completion rate. Excellent. The sacred spiral of fate continues its erratic dance, and Nuffle watches with a gaze unfocused but deeply entertained.

We honor the departed Éabha McMahon, who soared to the top of the statline and promptly ascended via career-ending catastrophe. May he reroll no more.

As it stands, the awards are still ripe for the stealing, with few players managing more than a single mark in any category. A true festival of mediocrity—Nuffle applauds your commitment to inconsistency.

Now, let us peer into the flames and whisper the strange truths of the coming clashes…

⸻

WEEK 2 MATCHES & OMENS

Warlords of the Dance vs. Bear Hurlers

The dancers pirouette with momentum, while the Hurlers come off a bruising shutout. The wind smells of sap and regret.

So Say the Auguries: “When elves leap and bears stumble, the soil drinks deeply.”

Downtown Drow vs. Eldritch Earwigs

A duel of misdirection and misfortune. Expect fouls, failed dodges, and at least one player asking what turn it is.

A Potent Prophecy: “Darkness fights shadow, and the ball forgets which endzone it prefers.”

Zargrim Maulers vs. Da Ekrund Krumperz

A clash of ancestral grudges and green-skinned rage. Expect fists, fouls, and flubbed handoffs.

Nuffle’s Decree: “Steel meets tusk, and only the stubborn shall score.”

Altdorf Knightmares vs. Big Biggin’ Bashas

The men of Altdorf must prove they’re more than a single accurate throw. The Bashas? They’ve never cared about the ball.

A Portent of Pain: “A knight may ride tall, but the boot finds all.”

Blitztown Blahs vs. Green Play Slackers Fresh Meat

The Blahs need blood and purpose. The Slackers need… rules? Gear? A plan?

A Foul Forecast: “When fangs fail and goblins flee, the pitch remembers pain.”

Tiranoc Sunstriders vs. New All-Bunny Rascals

Speed against speed, arrogance against absurdity. This one could end 4-3 or in a mass concussion.

From The Harbinger’s Lips: “The leaper shall soar, but the light blinds the bold.”

⸻

AWARDS WATCH – CURRENT LEADERS

• Multi-Tool Award: The late Éabha McMahon (3 pts) still leads—proof that even in death, stats endure.

• Glory Hound & Can Opener Awards: A tie at 1 across the board. More injuries, please.

• Iron Boot Award: Karlrik “Peanut” Tillmund and Butters—tied with 2 fouls. Rising stars of spite.

• Arm-Cannon Award: Thad Hennington and Valeera begin their spiral toward greatness—or doom.

• Stunty McStuntface: Slackers lead despite… being the Slackers. Marvelous.

• Most Secret Objectives: Zargrim Maulers lead with 3. That’s either tactical genius or clerical error.

⸻

Until next week, coaches—

May your dice abandon you at the perfect moment, and may your apothecaries remain deeply confused.

—Varnyx Doomchant

League Commissioner of MARBBL

Voice of Nuffle Ascendant

MARBBL Missive — Week 3

Coaches, sycophants, and barely-functional meat puppets—

Week 2 has withered, and its lessons are carved into the turf in blood, teeth, and “accidental” offsides. Nuffle’s spiral continues its blessed descent into lunacy, and I—His devoted instrument—rejoice in your mediocrity.

Some among you now dare to excel. Know this: excellence draws Nuffle’s gaze… and Nuffle’s gaze is fatal.

⸻

WEEK 3 OMENS

Big Biggin’ Bashas vs. Warlords of the Dance

The Bashas remain winless but unbroken; the Warlords, undefeated but entirely too elegant. Something must give—and it won’t be gentle.

“When grace mocks muscle, the ground itself takes offense.”

New All-Bunny Rascals vs. Downtown Drow

The bunnies leap and score, while the Drow seethe and scheme. One dances in chaos, the other plots control. Both shall slip.

“The web shall catch the leaper—or be shredded by joy.”

Eldritch Earwigs vs. Zargrim Maulers

A battle forged in graves and grudges. Claws meet beards. Underground in life, above ground in death.

“When steel strikes rot, time weeps, and bones remember.”

Green Play Slackers Fresh Meat vs. Tiranoc Sunstriders

The stunties rise from their pit while the Sunstriders burn from their fall. This match is foretold to end in irony.

“When light fails to blind, the small shall bite the shining.”

Da Ekrund Krumperz vs. Altdorf Knightmares

Neither team has won. One team refuses to change. The other forgot to care. Nuffle considers this… amusing.

“From boredom comes blood. Victory will be the least deserved.”

Bear Hurlers vs. Blitztown Blahs

Two teams adrift in confusion and concussion. One will find a touchdown. The other, enlightenment. Possibly.

“When nothing moves, the dice shall."

⸻

AWARDS WATCH: GLORY, PAIN, AND CERTAIN DEATH

Multi-Tool: Bob Squigkoski (Slackers) now leads with 4. A goblin atop the charts. Utter heresy. He is a glowing target for divine punishment. Those at 3? Consider yourselves Nuffle’s warm-up act.
Glory Hound: Sweatiness, Mairéad Carlin, and Jack Grabbitt each cling to 2 TDs. One shall break free. The others will break.
Can Opener: Lor’themar, Delco, and Beart Storr each boast 2 casualties. Nuffle salutes your blunt artistry. Try using both hands next time.
Team Liability: Arminey (Bashas) leads with 2 injuries. Remarkable durability—for a training dummy.
Iron Boot: Karlrik “Peanut” Tillmund now stands alone with 3 fouls. Butters, Lynede, and Bob trail with 2. Let the boots fly. Let mercy rot.
Cheating Is Trying: Several have been sent off. This is encouraging. Let’s increase the tempo. Aim for ejection.
Arm-Cannon: Thad, Valeera, Aggiz, and Count Bran Van 3000 all have 1 completion. A tie. ow uninspireHd. Nuffle prefers suffering, not symmetry.
Ball Hawk: Still no interceptions. Do any of you even know what hands are for?
Stunty McStuntface: Slackers remain atop the stunties. Just enjoy the chaos.
Nuffle’s Nefarious Objectives: Maulers (5) and Slackers (4) lead. Those who meddle in divine affairs often end up as examples. You have been warned.
Wooden Spoon: It looms. It waits. And it will be carved with your name.

⸻

Score if you must. Bleed when you can. Nuffle is watching—and He is amused.

— Varnyx Doomchant

League Commissioner
Voice of Nuffle Ascendant
Herald of the Divine Spiral

MARBBL MISSIVE — WEEK 4

From the desk of Varnyx Doomchant, Voice of Nuffle Ascendant

Ah, yes… Week 3. What a glorious disaster.

Your prayers were not whispered—they were screamed, as bodies broke and boot met face. And Nuffle? Nuffle laughed. Each spilled pint of blood, each touchdown gasped through broken teeth… it is worship, coaches. This league—your hopeless shamble toward glory—is His temple…

And you have pleased Him greatly.

Let us observe the sacred carnage:

The Warlords remain unbeaten, trouncing the Bashas 2–0—but at a price. Two linemen claimed by the Great Draft.
The Drow out-scampered the Rascals in a 3–2 affair, but the bunnies left their mark in sweat and style.
The Maulers crawled through filth and shut out the Earwigs 1–0. A win forged in mud and muttered curses.
The Sunstriders clawed past the Slackers, 2–1—though Bob Squigkoski continues his unholy spree.
The Knightmares showed signs of life with a 2–0 win over the winless Krumperz. Both teams lost Blitzers to the Draft. Nuffle is cruel, random, and cares not for justice.
The Blahs and Hurlers tied 2–2 in a rare shootout. Count Bran Van 3000 threw three completions into the void… a shame no one reminded him to win as well!

⸻

LEAGUE AWARDS — AS IT IS WRITTEN IN THE BLOODLEDGER

• Multi-Tool: Bob Squigkoski (Slackers) leads with 6. Yes, a Goblin. Yes, it is repulsive. He climbs ever higher, and Nuffle prepares his fall.

• Glory Hound: Sweatiness (Maulers) and Kael’thas (Sunstriders) now tied at 3 TDs. Let their hands tremble with expectation.

• Can Opener: Kael’thas, Lor’themar (Sunstriders), Delco (Earwigs), Beart Storr (Slackers)—all at 2 casualties. A four-way blood pact. May it shatter like bone.

• Team Liability: Arminey (Bashas) and B+ (Blahs) tied at 2 injuries. Keep suffering. You amuse the divine.

• Iron Boot: Peanut (Maulers) and Bob (Slackers) each at 3 fouls. The toe is a sacred weapon.

• Cheating Is Trying: Still no leader. Pathetic. Has everyone suddenly grown a conscience?

• Arm-Cannon: Count Bran Van 3000 now leads with 4 completions. He throws like a man possessed. He is.

• Ball Hawk: Still no interceptions. Why start trying now?

• Stunty McStuntface: Slackers remain top among the tiny. A statistical anomaly. A cosmic joke.

• Nuffle’s Nefarious Objectives: Maulers and Slackers tied at 6. Blahs trail at 5. Nuffle smiles. The abyss inches closer.

• Wooden Spoon: Krumperz, Blahs, Hurlers share the bottom. Dig deeper, my fools!

⸻

The spiral tightens. The gods lean in.

 And you? You dance. You bleed. You entertain.

  ⸻

WEEK 4 OMENS

Warlords vs. Drow
Speed clashes with shadow. Only misfortune is guaranteed.
“The agile shall tangle. The proud shall slip.”

Earwigs vs. Bashas
The Bashas ache for purpose. The Earwigs ache for flesh.
“From hunger comes ruin. From ruin, joy.”

Krumperz vs. Rascals
The green wall meets the leaping plague. Expect madness.
“When the doomed chase the unpredictable, neither escapes.”

Knightmares vs. Slackers
Man versus goblin. Ambition versus Bob.
“In the fourth turn, all plans shall burn.”

Blahs vs. Sunstriders
Passing meets preening. No one is safe.
“The air shall be full of pride… and blood.”

Maulers vs. Hurlers
Two teams in motion. Toward what, even Nuffle won’t say.
“Steel cracks. Fur flies. The pitch drinks deep.”

⸻

May the skies stay clear, so all may witness your collapse.

— Varnyx Doomchant
League Commissioner of MARBBL
Devotee of Destruction

Special Announcement

Regarding Week 4 Fixtures

This week, the spiral morphs.

Grizzlehide & Sons Sporting Goods—masters of heirloom-quality brutality—have chosen MARBBL to unveil their new line of “Legacy Hide” game balls. Each is hand-stitched from suspicious materials, cursed for balance, and blessed by absolutely no governing body. They are guaranteed to be “regulation-adjacent.”

To showcase their wares, Weather Mages have been hired to ensure Perfect Blood Bowl Weather across all matches.

No sleet. No fog. No mercy.

And for maximum spectacle, each kickoff this week will feature a randomly selected ball from the Grizzlehide Vault. Spiked, slick, sticky, or volatile—who knows what the ref will hand you next?

Grizzlehide & Sons Sporting Goods -- “Heirloom Craftsmanship. Match-Day Mayhem.”

Let no team claim ignorance. Let the chaos be visible.

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