Yourself
May 8th, 2019
Of many things, this one comes to mind first. Who even are you anymore? You have fallen so far out of reach, that not even, I, yourself, can get a grasp of you. It’s like you are invisible. Maybe, you are a figment of my own imagination. Is that even possible? Considering how your life doesn’t seem to be anything like what I planned for it to be, or nearly similar at all to anything realistic and practical, I assume it could be possible this is a dream. Where have you gone? You’ve said it yourself, “when you stand for nothing, you will fall for everything. Falling for everything until you aren’t anything.” Is that what happened? You couldn’t find reality in anything, therefore, you couldn’t stand for anything to begin with. Are you okay? How are you? Who are you? Have you found a taste of reality yet, or are you still living in this black hole at the back of your mind? That one that you just can’t leave, you know. Anyways, do get back to me soon. I gotta know you’re alright.
Come home soon, because I miss you.
Sincerely,
Lucy
Looking around, everything was black and white. Eyes open, yet, still, unable to see. Almost as if my mind couldn’t comprehend everything in sight; or disbelief that I was actually in the room to see it. This sudden, dark, empty feeling had captivated me from my sleep, bringing me to an abrupt awakening. I’m not only talking about a wakening from my sleep, but to reality. The feeling of abandonment swept through me heavily. Everything I had ever thought that I believed in, loved, or cared about, was replaced with a dark hole. A dark hole that I spent two years in, secluding myself to avoid feeling unwanted or as if a problem. Really, it just became my worst enemy, and yet, my only friend, all-in-one. Feeling like the dark hole was the only place I was wanted and welcome. I spent my time in the first two years of this rut, crying alone, as if it could help me figure out why I felt the way I did. Asking God daily, why after my whole life of thinking I believed in Him, how he could abandon me like that. Eventually, I assumed I was the problem, therefore, I didn’t want anyone worrying about me and kept it disclosed. Of course, with that, I felt like I had to better myself so anyone could see and appreciate what I’m good at, giving me purpose, rather than for the sorrow and hurt I felt.
This didn’t happen until two months after I turned twelve. Still being homeschooled at this time, we had also just moved back to Arkansas, where I had no friends, other than from church. The kids I met at church never really reached out, or took to me trying to be involved, so I didn’t feel at place. I dealt with this for six years, and through these years, I needed someone to be there for me. I had no one who could understand and reassure me that I wasn’t the only one going through it. I just needed someone to see me for the good inside, opposed to focusing on my flaws and what I couldn’t do; giving me the desire to learn everything. I mean, everything, too. I treated everyone kindly, worked on making people feel welcome and included, gave everything I could just to see a smile, and only hoped that that could be enough to have someone want to be apart of my life.
Eventually, working so hard, to not even get recognized by my parents at the least, wore me out. I started thinking there was something wrong with me that the world could recognize, yet I was oblivious. Anytime I tried to open up to my parents, I was told it was normal, to read my Bible, etc. I never even thought to open up to my sisters. My older sister just criticized me for anything I did, then go and do it better just to prove she could, and never tell me how I could improve. My younger sister, well, was younger. To me, whatever it was that I was going through, I never would have wished upon her. I didn’t even want to mention it to her, because I just wanted to keep her happy and pure, thinking I would introduce her into the dark hole.
It took me a long time to be able to figure out how I felt, yet alone, put it into words to try and explain. It’s something you have to have experienced to relate to. This is what made me want to start a Blog. I needed a voice to understand me and help make sense of everything, but had no one. Anyone can offer advice, but only the ones suffering will care to listen; I was desperate for the knowledge I lacked. I, also, however, didn’t know anyone who could understand the life I lived to give any advice. Due to my past, I want to be the person that I needed. By putting my experiences, thoughts, advice, and opinions out there for anyone to be able to access, I only hope I can reach out to girls going through what I’ve conquered. I want to offer it to everyone because having this guidance, could have helped me so much. I have lived a perfect example, for almost nineteen years, now, of everything not to do. I don’t regret the things I have done, though, because they had to occur in order to reach peace within myself. Although, they don’t have to happen to you. I’m going to share all of my “screw-ups” and successes, and how to stay healthy, mentally and physically, while overcoming this situation.
This was only a brief summary of the first two years. I have journal after journal to pull every step of the way from. Plus, I have six more years to talk about and the journey that brought me to where I’m at now.
Providing guidance, encouragement, motivation, and someone to remind you of your worth and importance, is my main objective. My contact information will be left on my Blog, so you can always ask questions or add to anything I’ve said if you want. If you wish for a conversation to stay between us, you can count on it. If you’re still nervous to share anything you struggle with, you can always anonymously contact me. (which I will set up soon) Your business is your business. I’m interested in being able to help you through it, along with others going through the same things. I want to know the things young teenagers are going through currently so we can, together, build a solution and support one another.