Through The Eyes of Lilian Matsuda

Chapter 1, Reality

“…do you think I’m a loser?” Lilian kicked her feet as she sat on the fence which detained them from walking the beach. The rough waves crashed heavily with anger. The ‘DANGEROUS CURRENT!’ sign tilted, almost falling over. Ren stood next to her, staring at her. The pigtails she wore on either side of her head blew with the wind. “What makes you say that?” Ren responded as he lifted his arms off the fence. Their innocence was still intact. “Someone-“ Lilian began before cutting herself off, glancing at Ren who stared her down. His big brown doe eyes looked up at her with curiosity. Lilian hesitated as she spoke again. “Nothing. I don’t know.” She mumbled out while she leaned back on the fence. She knew deep down it wasn’t nothing. Her person was Ren. Every time they were together, Lilians mood increased by 100%. He was her cure to all sadness. Their 2 year age gap finally broke them apart as Ren needed to head off to middle school while Lilian stayed in elementary school. Lilian was a shy girl, Ren was a social butterfly. The two clashed but made the perfect pair. Truthfully, she didn’t want the older one to leave her behind. The clouds above them started to become a darker gray. Ren raised a brow at her response not being able to understand why she would say something so out of the blue. “You’re like the coolest girl I know.” Ren spat out as he flailed his arms in the air. Lilians eyes darted everywhere except his face. Avoiding eye contact as she felt her heart beat increase. Ren put his arms down as he saw Lilian avoid him. She always did this whenever she was uncomfortable. And Ren knew about it. He sighed before turning back to stare at the ocean. Shaaaa. “I don’t want you to go to middle school.” Lilian mumbled under her breath as she took out her camera. Placing it close to her face, ready for to take a perfect shot of the ocean. Ren smiled. So that’s what it was. He thought to himself. He knew her too well, he had been suspecting her to say something like this soon. He jumped up on the fence, sitting close to her smaller frame. Peeking at the photo through the camera screen. “Let’s try to hang out whenever we can okay? I promise I won’t ever leave you. You’re my photographer and I’m your musician.” Ren laughed as Lilian clicked through her photo gallery. Photo after photo, Ren was always in it. It had always been this way, Lilian had a passion for photography and Ren had a passion for music. Both had talent at such a young age. He was her muse and she was his biggest fan. Lilian sighed as she put her camera down into her lap and leaned next to Ren. Drip. She felt a drop on her shoulder. “Is it raining?” She asked while quickly covering her camera. Ren felt it too, putting his hands out to catch the drops. “Let’s run home. We can race.” Ren grabbed Lilian’s hand as he jumped off the fence. Lilian got pulled with him, he caught her on her feet. The rain started only just a little. Ren looked around excited, he loved the rain. He knew how much Lilian loved it too. Last year they ran around their neighborhood in pajamas, covering themselves in the cold water that fell from the sky. Enjoying every moment, it felt like a dream. This time, they will race, to create another memory to hold onto for years to come. Ren looked at Lilian with a smile. “Annddddd start!” He started to run as the waves of the ocean crashed harshly in the background of their moment. Ren looked back to see Lilian trying to catch up. Her sneakers plopped on the ground with her every step, her keychains jingled together as she ran. “Wait! You’re bigger than me!!! That’s not fair!” Lilian cried out while attempting to chase after Ren. She didn’t have it in her to be mad at him. Now she knew that Ren was there for her. She finally felt reassured. He promised. She couldn’t contain her laughter as she giggled chasing after him. Ren slowed down, trying not to make it obvious. Ren understood he was 2 years older than Lilian, meaning his maturity would grow faster. Meaning his responsibility was to treat her like a younger sibling. He knew Lilian hated that mentality. So he would match her age as best as he could. He wanted to let her win, not because she was ‘the youngest’ but because he wanted to hear her laughter echo in his ears and her smile stain his memory. Soon they reached their houses. Lilian’s house was at the beginning of the neighborhood while Ren’s was at the end. The rain had now grown heavier, the sky was dark and the lamp posts had lit up on their street. The post they marked as their finish line grew closer into vision. Lilian picked up her speed as Ren slowed down. “I’m gonna win!” Lilian yelled as her pigtails and bangs stuck to her face from the rain. Ren couldn’t help but smile. “Jeez you’re fast” Ren acted as if his legs grew tired of running. Lilian laughed and touched the lamp post. “I win! Ren you’re so slow” Lilian huffed as the smile on her face lit up under the lamp posts light. Ren knew in the back of his mind that if he ever needed to, he would run a million miles for Lilian. “I-“ Ren began but was cut off with a bang of a door opening. They turned around to see Lilian’s older sister stomp out the house.”Where have you been?! Gosh you’re such a pain!” She walked out with an umbrella, glancing at Ren with fierce eyes. Truthfully, Hana didn’t care for anyone. Not even her own family. Her behavior was nothing new. Ren scoffed as he pushed the wet hair off his forehead. Lilian stood there as her smile completely faltered. Leaving her to long at Ren. Her face saying ‘don’t make me go with her’ but Ren knew he had no choice. Hana grabbed at Lilian’s hand. “Let’s go.” She said while yanking Lilian. “Don’t pull me” Lilian squealed. Hana dragged Lilian back into the house. Lilian looked back at Ren. He smiled and waved. “Bye Ren! See you tomorrow! Lets walk together-” Lilian yelled before Hana kicked her leg signaling her to shut up. Ren waved as the door clicked closed. She worries too much for a 9 year old. Ren thought as he walked back home in the rain. Will she be okay?… Tomorrow….hopefully it would be fine.

Lilian thrashed as Hana closed the umbrella with one hand, holding Lilian’s arm in the other. She finally let go, rolling her eyes as she walked away. Their mother walked into view. “Lilian! We told you to be home before the street lights came on, jeez, what am I gonna do with you and Ren?” Her mother was caring, an angel. She grabbed a towel to help Lilian dry off. “I’m sorry…I wanted to hangout with him before school tomorrow.” Lilian mumbled into the towel as her mother dried her off. “Aww, it’ll be okay Lili. 2 more years, then you’ll be in school with him.” Her mother smiled at her as she finished drying Lilian off and took her camera from her and placed it on the table. “Yeah, then you’ll just have to wait another two years after that.” Hana rolled her eyes from the other room. “Hana.” Her mom said sternly. “It’s true. Lilian, you need to get over this ‘I’m shy’ act, or else you’ll have nobody. Maybe try talking to new people.” She scoffed while scrolling on her phone. Their mother was about to tune in before Lilian snapped back. “Ren said he’s gonna try to hangout with me as much as he can, I don’t need other friends when I have Ren.” She crossed her arms as she made her way to Hana. “Think what you want but he’s older than you Lilian. He has way more friends, do you really think you’re the only one who’s that close to him? While you’re stuck in elementary school, he’ll be busy hanging out with peoples his age in middle school. Probably having more fun too.” Hana laughed at the thought. She couldn’t help but think about how delusional Lilian sounded. What does she think this world is, a fantasy where everything goes her way? Lilian clenched her fists as she stared at her older sister. She despised her. Maybe it was the fact that Lilian couldn’t quite yet comprehend all her feelings being such a young age, but what she knew for sure, was that she hated her. “I…I’m special to him.” Lilian mumbled as she stood in the door frame of the room Hana was in. Hana looked back at her. Both holding eye contact. God I hate her. Their thoughts were in unison. “Just give it a couple years. He won’t even remember what you guys did today.” Hana looked back at her phone. Lilian stomped her feet. “How can you be so sure!? You’re just mad that none of your friends have ever stayed with you for so long!” She yelled. It’s true that Hana couldn’t keep friends for anything longer than a year. To be truthful, she got bored of people really quick. With that, Hana’s friends would confront her, resulting in arguments that went no where because of Hana’s careless attitude. In the end, someone always ended up leaving whether it be Hana or her friends. Hana side eyed Lilian. Their mother stepped in. “Stop it! Now! Hana and Lilian -“ “Maybe some of my friends left me, however I could care less. I don’t need to rely on people for my own well-being. I can enjoy living without them. There’s always other people for me to meet, there’s always someone else. That’s the way life goes.” Hana shouted as she hit Lilian with a dirty look. She had won. Lilian stood there with tears edging her eyes. I hate her. Lilian felt it deep in her chest. There’s nothing one can hate more, than their own blood. Lilian turned her head as the tears escaped her eyes. “Hana! Jeez, you guys!-“ their mom yelled as Lilian raced up the stairs. SLAM! Her bedroom door slammed closed. Hana looked at her mom. Both stood there silent. “….you went too far.” Her mom whispered as she traced the stairs Lilian walked. “I told her the truth.” Hana muttered back as she walked out the room. Her mother scoffed. “Give me your phone.” Her mother held out her hand. As if it was her instinct, Hana swiftly put her phone in her mothers hand. Smirking as she walked away. “You’re grounded for 3 days. No going out, no phone. Nothing.” Her mom repeated as she stuffed the phone in her pocket. Hana began up the stairs. “Whatever.” She said under her breath. The house lay silent. Empty and cold. It was always like this. Nothing happy could ever last forever.

Huff, huff, huff. Lilian ran outside. Hana followed behind her. “Have a good day girls!” Their mother called out as Hana closed the door. Ren, where’s Ren?- As Lilian looked around her eyes locked onto the road ahead of her. 3 people walked together. Ren? Lilian stood still, staring at the 3. Ren walked with two boys his age, both of which Lilian didn’t know. Hana glanced at the scene. “I told you.” She mumbled as she walked ahead of Lilian. “Let’s go, I don’t wanna be late.” Hana sighed as she began walking to school. Lilian followed after, confused. But Ren always walks with me? Maybe I can…walk with Ren and his friends. Lilian smiled at the thought. She ran past Hana who suddenly grabbed at her backpack. “What’re you doing?” She coldly looked at her. Lilian glanced back as the group ahead of them grew farther in distance. “Let go, I’m gonna go walk with Ren.” Lilian tried to pull herself from Hana’s grasp. Hana pushed Lilian forward. Lilian stumbled on her feet, eventually keeping herself steady. “Fine. Go embarrass yourself. You’re gonna look fucking stupid.” Hana laughed. You’re wrong. Lilian rolled her eyes before running forward. “Ren!!” She called out. She could see the back of his head. His tall frame stood out from the other 2 boys. Their school uniforms weren’t worn properly. And from Lilian’s eyes, she could see the sun hit Ren’s earrings. She couldn’t help but gaze. Soon enough Ren turned his back. Meeting eye to eye. “Hey Lilian,” Ren smiled as he stopped walking for a moment. The other two boys stopped with him. “can…can I walk with you?..” Lilian smiled softly feeling her nerves tingle. Saying it was hard. Her eyes focused on Ren’s face as she awaited his answer. “Ren….can we not….” One of them whispered to him. Maybe it wasn’t a whisper because Lilian could still hear it. She couldn’t look at the guys face. It was blurred in her vision. …What? She thought as her smile faltered. Ren looked at Lilian . He shoved the guy with his elbow causing him to grunt. “Don’t say shit like that…” Ren mumbled as he slicked back his hair. He panned to Lilian who stood there confused. “Sorry Lili, we’re gonna walk to school together, tomorrow okay?” He pointed to the boys and himself. Lilian smiled slightly. But she knew that all of what Hana said last night was beginning to seem real. “Okay.” She said softly. Her heart beat increased as she felt the embarrassment rise in her. It was like she was on display, being laughed at. Looked down on, like she was a weakling. She felt stupid for asking something like that. I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Her thoughts ran wild. Especially in front of those blurred faces. Lilian’s eyes darted everywhere. The guys who stood next to Ren said not one word, but Lilian could feel the judgment. Ren smiled as they all turned around walking again. Lilian stood there silently. Bump. Hana pushed past Lilian. Laughing at her. “I told you.” Hana said as she looked at Lilian. And for the first time ever, Lilian couldn’t hold her eye contact. It was like Hana was a stranger. Lilian could only look certain people in the eyes. Everyone else was an outsider. Their faces were blurred and pushed out of Lilian’s mind. Her own sister had fallen into the category of everyone else. Huh. Lilian thought to herself as she stared at her feet. “Let’s go, I’m not gonna get in trouble for you being late to school.” Hana called out as she saw Lilian stand there. what is she doing? She felt annoyed. Lilian didn’t look up, didn’t respond, just began to walk. She looked up at the sky. Tears brimming her eyes. But she didn’t cry. She kept walking, counting the steps she took. Dont cry. Dont cry. Dont cry. Her breathing was heavy. This was just the start of it all. Huff. …. I’m not an idiot. Lilian thought to herself. She bit at her nails. Together Hana and Lilian would walk in nothing but silence. Not saying anything at all.

Chapter 2 (Lilian’s POV)

Was it wishful thinking to assume I could become a better person? Maybe I could speak. Maybe I could feel. Maybe I could learn to live the way that I dreamt most. When did I become a version of myself that was so unrecognizable. How did I end up here? That feeling I get that builds up in my body will come again. It’s like I can’t get rid of it. It runs throughout my blood, infecting every inch of me. Causing me to lose myself. I’m losing myself. I am lost. Maybe if I bled out, that feeling would submerge. And I would be in a pit of peace. No one around to judge me, no one around to talk to me, nothing bothering me. No thoughts, no feelings, just me and that peace. If only it existed then I- “Are you listening to a word I’m saying?” Himari blew the smoke from her cigarette into my face. “Ugh.” I waved my hand in front of my face to get rid of the smoke. She side eyed me. “Forget it. Always caught up in that head of yours…especially today.” She mumbled under her breath. “Sorry.” I blurted out as I glanced at her. Himari sat there, blowing puffs and puffs of smoke out of her mouth. The sun beamed down on her bright green hair. It was an eyesore. I didn’t realize I zoned out. I remembered now that Himari had pulled me to the rooftop of the school to skip class and have a smoke break. I continued to stare at her. I met Himari 5 years ago. FLASHBACK 5 YEARS AGO. It was the middle of the school year in 4th grade. I’d gone quiet. Without Ren, I was nothing. I never got to see him. We stopped talking. And if occasionally I did see him, it would only be in the neighborhood. He was always with the guys from that day. I remember when he told me a couple weeks before school started, that he would let me listen to his newest song as soon as he was finished with it. And I could shoot the cover of the song for him. That day never came. I looked forward to it. I don’t take pictures as much anymore. I told myself that if it remained this way forever, it would just be that. I would have to just move on. Forget it. How did I lose someone so close to me? I couldn’t get over it. And it pecked at my thoughts for the rest of the year. In the middle of that year, Himari arrived as a new student. I couldn’t get a good look at her face at the time, but I remembered the rest of her. Her hair was dyed purple, she wore punk-ish graphic tee’s, with shorts and colorful striped stockings. Always paired with converse that varied in colors. Everyone loved her. She was outgoing, bright, and all smiles. I envied her for that. Compared to her, I wore skirts, blouses, cute hair pins and Mary Jane’s. I never expected her to ever talk to me. But one day, it was a random day, she decided to come up to me. The classroom was empty, it was only me and her. She came and sat down next to me. I remeber thinking dear god please don’t talk to me. I always dreaded human interaction. “So you’re names Lilian?” Himari said with a big smile. “Yeah.” Thats the only response I could manage. I stared at the ground. My Mary Jane’s were small next to her hot pink converse. “Wanna be friends?” She bent her head down to my level of vision. I quickly looked away. I got a peek of her face. Her eyes were dark brown and she must have drawn stars on her cheeks with markers. I didn’t know what to say. I shook my leg and looked the opposite direction. What do I say? “…uhm…okay.” I felt nervous. Himari laughed in my ear. “Yay! I always see your hair pins and I think they’re soooo cute!” She hummed in my ear as she gazed at my hair pins. And for once, I could look someone in the eyes. Her face was clear to me. From that day forward, we had always stuck together. In the beginning I enjoyed her company. She was kind. As we continued to spend our time together, I got to know her better. She came from a broken family. Her dad died when she was really young, and her mom was an alcoholic. She currently lived with her aunt. She would always rant to me about how awful she felt. How alone she was, how no one understood her. I comforted her. I dedicated all my time and actions to her. I know what it feels like to feel lost. I wanted the best for her. I really did. We reached middle school when she began to diverge. She would bully multiple people. People began to hate her. Although everyone was against her, I was still there. “You know Lili, I think I do this because I need to get my anger out.” She leaned on my shoulder as we sat on the rooftop of our middle school building. “So…it’s like uhm….a coping mechanism?” I mumbled out. Her eyes widened as a smile formed on her face. “Yes. Exactly. You get it which means you’ll support me right?” She grabbed my hand in hers. I thought for a second. Recalling the times she had told me her aunt never supported her in anything she wanted to do. I faintly smiled. “Of course.” I said back. Himari smiled before laughing. That was just the beginning of it all. As we grow, so did the victims of her bullying. …Well now it was…our bullying. Himari said to me one day, ‘come on, it’s fun, just to let off a little steam okay?’. We didn’t just verbally abuse people, we mentally and physically did as well. I remember when I pushed a girl down this steep set of stairs. Himari chanted ‘don’t be a pussy!’ In my ear, or ‘do it for me!’ I succumbed to that pressure and followed anything she wanted me to do. I felt trapped. I took pity on Himari because of her situation. And in my head, I blamed her for making me into the person I was. But I knew, that the only person I had to blame was myself. Because in the end, I’m the one taking part in such sinful actions. Im a terrible person. I know that. END OF FLASHBACK. Thwack. Himari threw her cigarette on the roof top floor before stomping on it with her shoe. “Did you not hear the bell ring? Come on, let’s go to lunch.” She said with a bitter tone. I stared at her face. You don’t smile as much anymore. I sighed as I followed her to the door that read, ‘ROOFTOP EXIT’. The sounds of the bustling school hallways and hacking from Himaris coughs filled my eardrums. “You shouldn’t smoke as much, it’s not good for you.” I mumbled to Himari. “Shut up Lilian. You’re pissing me off today.” Himari rolled her eyes. I held my breath. I didn’t have the courage to speak back to her. As always, I’m a coward.

We stood there, in that hallway near the bathroom. “HAHAHA!!!” Himari laughed hysterically. She was hitting her knees with her hands. Practically gasping for air. I stood there with a small smile. I didn’t think it was funny. I turned my attention to the girl in pink. Juliet. Her name soured my thoughts. She stood there, staring at us with immense fear. She would eat lunch in the bathroom, but for once came out. That’s when I had thrown her lunch all over her. Juliet’s hair was stained with mayonnaise. Her face covered in a mix of various condiments. And her clothes reeked on turkey and ketchup. The rest of the lunch flew across the floor. I didn’t want to think that I did this by choice. But I did. “We should totally throw her lunch in her face. That would be so funny omg.” Is what Himari had whispered in my ear as we saw Juliet walk out the bathroom. I didn’t like that idea. I never like her ideas. “But she’ll be all nasty-“ I tried to speak for once. “Who cares? She’s a dirty dog anyway.” Himari laughed. I stayed silent as I felt her lean on my shoulder. It was quiet for a moment. Finally, I heard a loud, annoyed, and tired sigh. “Do whatever you want. But don’t you remember what you said? You told me you would help me cope.” Himari looked down, her face contorted into that of betrayal. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me. After all, I did say that. Why did I say that? I know the kind of emotion she’s going through. I’ve been there. I don’t want her to feel that way. And as soon as I knew it, I had already thrown the sandwhich in Juliet’s face. “That was so fucking funny!” Himari had the biggest smile on her face. “Nice throw Lili!” She rufffled my hair before covering her nose. “But sheeeesh you smell…worse than an animal.” Himari plugged her nose. Juliet stood there with tears brimming her eyes. Although I still had trouble talking to people, looking at them had become easier ever since I met Himari. Maybe it was a curse…or as she would say…a blessing? Himari nudged me out of my trance. Signaling me to plug my nose as well. So I did. “Ugh. Ew.” I said while making a disgusted face. Himari laughed even harder. Juliet stood there with the brimmed tears finally escaping her eyes. “Why.” That’s all she said. I stared at her as she tried to wipe the condiments off of herself. Her tears mixed with the ketchup on her skin. I felt my feelings fall as I watched the seen. I always, so desperately, don’t want people to feel the feelings that I feel. Yet look at her. Even worse than anything I’ve ever felt. And it was all because of…me. I wanted to blame Himari but in my head I knew, I was still the one that did it. I wanted to say something. I needed to say something. “Juliet-“ “What the fuck?” I was cut off by a deep voice. As me and Himari turned around, I froze. My mind was fuzzy. Ren and his friends stood before us. The one who spoke out was tall, and looked just like Juliet. I felt my heartbeat increase, and my skin turn pale. Himari looked at me. “Let’s run for it.” She laughed. Her hand grasping at mine. “Himari I-“ “just trust me.” I glanced back at Ren. I felt a lump in my throat. His face was that of disgusted. And I could see him mouth the words, ‘what happened to you?’. “Come on!” Himari giggled as she pulled my arm, sprinting down the hallway. “Fuck! Hey, get the hell back here!” The guy who looked like Juliet called out. As I looked back, I saw them standing around Juliet. She cried into that guys arms. Ren stood there patting her back. I remember when you used to do that to me. Just as we turned around the corner, I felt that gaze. We locked eye contact. I felt like I wanted to cry. SLAM! “That was crazy haha!” Himari slammed the bathroom door shut, locking it as we panted inside. “Phew! I haven’t felt that kind of adrenaline in a while.” She huffed out. I didn’t say anything. I just stood there, hands on my knees, panting. We needed to calm down. It was quiet. “What, you didn’t have fun?” Himari broke the silence by asking me that question. I looked up at her. That smile was gone. “I mean….what if we get in trouble again? My mom would never forgive me if she found out that I do these…kinds of things.” I blurted out. It was the truth. My mom didn’t know who Himari was. And I never planned on telling her because I know she would just say that she’s a horrible person. She still thinks I’m friends with Ren. I just didn’t have the guts to tell her. “Maybe we should stop doing this to her-“ “Please, stop your whining. We’ve got in trouble before but they only gave us a warning! That bitch is too pussy to report us. As for Ren and his friends…just try to avoid them. I’m sure they won’t say anything…” towards the end of Himaris sentence, her tone began to falter. And she seemed a bit….worried? We had bullied Juliet for years, although it’s been behind closed doors. We got caught tripping her once, but the teacher let us off with a warning. I’m not sure if Juliet has ever told anyone…I don’t think she would. The image of Rens face entered my vision. I clawed at my face, wanting to burn it. “What’s wrong with you? God you don’t even talk to him anymore. It’s fine-“ “it’s not tho.” I cut Himari off and mumbled under my breath. It was silent for a minute. “Fine. Be that way then. It’s not my problem you can’t seem to forget him.” Himari said as she fixed her hair in the mirror before leaving the bathroom.”Clearly you don’t need me.” She hummed grabbing the bathroom door handle. Did she really just say that?She doesn’t understand. Why won’t she understand? “Himari I didn’t mean it like that-“ I faced her head on. She looked at me, furrowed eyebrows and a scrunched nose. “God, just save it Lilian.” She scoffed while rolling her eyes. As she opened the door to leave, I heard her mumble. “fucking bitch.” As the door slammed shut, the bell rung. I stood there with my eyes widened. I can’t say I’m surprised she would say something like that. I just wish I wasn’t so stupid to oblige by her. I took a deep breath in before looking at myself in the mirror. ….Who the hell have I become. CREAK. I turned my head to see Juliet enter the bathroom. She wiped her tears stained face. She was still messy from everything I’d thrown at her. She looked up and we made eye contact. She froze in her tracks. I quickly broke the eye contact with her. I couldn’t look at her. Staring at the ground, I exited the bathroom. And the whole time, I could feel her stare at me. Fuck. I feel like I’m gonna be sick. RINGGG. The bell had rung and lunch was over. I made my way to class, my thoughts running wild as I took each step. I was worried about everything. I just didn’t want to think anymore.

Chapter 3, (Lilian’s POV)

I got home from school. I kicked off my loafers and stared at the hallway. I can’t believe I did that. My eyes still stuck to the view of the hall in front of me. I was tired. Do I have a right to be tired? After all I did, how could I be tired? My thoughts stopped as my mom walked down the stairs. “Hey Lily-Billy, how was school?” She was glowing. It was obvious she had just showered and freshened up. I stood there with a blank face. What would you think of me if you found out what I did? I sighed. “It was okay.” I dragged my body to her, hugging her. She smelt like the laundry beads. “Aww my baby, just okay? Did you hangout with Ren?” She ruffled my hair as I looked up at her. “…Yeah. He has uhm…stuff after school lately so.” I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. As I glanced back at her, she raised a brow. “I feel like I never see that kid anymore! Well whatever, teenage boys are such a pain…luckily I got stuck with you!” My mom cuddled me as she laughed. It brought a smile to my face. I hugged her back, taking in that moment. My eyes directed towards the living room. Hana sat on the couch, on her phone. Her long pin-straight black hair stared back at me. “What are you looking at?” Hana said without even looking at me. “Shut up.” I snapped back as I let go of my mom. “You know it would make me really happy if you two could get along.” My mom sighed while walking into the kitchen. “I’m gonna start dinner, Lilian go change!” Mom smiled as she took pans out of the cabinet. I smiled and nodded, making my way upstairs. Walking into my room made me feel sick. Now I was just alone with my thoughts and feelings. As I shut the door, I slid down slowly. Sitting against the door on the floor, I thought. Before I knew it, 15 minutes had gone by. I need to get up. I got up and took off my school clothes. Throwing them on my bed. I put on a baggy t-shirt and shorts. Dusting them off as I was about to walk downstairs. Before heading out my door, I looked at my camera. I’ve always had the desire to get back into photography. Just never the motivation. But for some reason, I felt this urge to take pictures. Tomorrow I’ll go the beach. “LILIAN! DINNER!” My mom called for me. I took one last look at the camera before opening my door, speeding out my room. I’m excited for tomorrow. I feel…..motivated. If I’m lucky…maybe even Himari will come with me. Just like how Ren used to cover my vision. But…she’s still mad at me. Let me not think like this. I haven’t felt like this, in a really long time. Maybe I’ll be okay.

RINGGGG. It was the next day and the school bell rung in my ears. It was the last one for the day. Himari was a few seats ahead of me. Whispering to a girl sitting next to her. She had been ignoring me all day. I went up to her multiple times, but was only met with the cold shoulder. Today hasn’t been good. Without Himari, I’m nothing. I walked around the school halls, alone, looking like a coward. And I could feel it. Their eyes. Everyone was looking at me. Whispering. More than usual. They think I don’t notice. But I do. I had tried to ignore it all day. But it was eating at my mind. I don’t want to think about this now, I should be excited for today. I’m going to the beach after school. As I grabbed my bag, getting up from my seat, I glanced at Himari. She was still talking to her friend. …I still have the chance to ask her. I wanted her to come with me. I felt the same kind of courage I felt that day I asked Ren if I could walk with him. But it made me hesitate. No…they’ll just make fun of me. I was so deep in my thoughts that by the time I snapped back to reality, Himari was already leaving the classroom with her friend. As she walked out the door she glanced at me once more. A smile appeared on her face. ??? What was that? That feeling emerged again. And suddenly I found myself alone in the classroom. …I need to go home. With the thoughts banging in my head, I pushed them back. Instead, I filled my head with thoughts of the beach. I started to run home. I was excited. Let me not think just this once. Let me feel alive. I finally reached my house. I stared at the front door, swinging it open. It was quiet. The whole house lay silent. I didn’t hear my mom, and Hana was nowhere to be seen. I just assumed maybe they were out. With a big smile on my face, I quickly ran upstairs, pushing my door open. I threw my bag on my bed before grabbing my camera. Whats this feeling? Photography had always been my passion. Maybe I’m only just now realizing how much I cared for it. I grabbed my tote bag just in case. While still in my school uniform, I raced out the door of my room. But as I was about to go down the stairs, my mom stood staring at me from the bottom step. I was panting only slightly. Huh? My excitement had died. “Hey mom, I was just about to go to the beach to take pictures.” I took one step down the stairs. My mom had heavy bags underneath her eyes. Her usual excited and calm expression was contorted into a face of…loss? I couldn’t describe it. I felt nervous walking down those stairs. Camera in one hand, while the other clutched the railing. My mom still said nothing. “Is something wrong?” I said as I took my last step. My feet lay on the same level as hers. My eyes met hers. And for the first time in my life, I was scared of her. “Lilian.” She finally spoke out. Her eyes directed towards my hand that held my camera. I looked at it too. I didn’t realize I was shaking so much. “Mom?” I answered. “Who’s Himari?” Those words stabbed me in the chest. My moms voice echoed in my head. ‘Who’s Himari?’ I felt myself go limp. I couldn’t speak. The words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. “How long have you been this way?” Her questions piled up in front of me. My throat was clogged. I knew I had an explanation for everything. I just couldn’t speak. My mom stared at me. Her brown eyes examined every inch of me. I could see the corners of her mouth shake. “ANSWER ME LILIAN!” She screamed in my face. She swatted my hand that held my camera. “Mom!-“ CRACK. With that the balance was lost and a faint crack was heard. But I couldn’t dare look at the scene. No… I steered my vision to the floor but was met by my mothers hand. “LOOK AT ME LILIAN!” My moms hands hovered over my face. My eyes widened as I gazed at her. This side of her I’ve never seen. But it made me think. This is just like the side of me she’s never seen. “…don’t lie to me…please.” My moms hand was released. I immediately wiped my mouth from the sweat that covered my mothers hands . Then I rubbed my throat. I needed to speak. My mother had her head in her palms. I’ve never seen her so distraught. I felt conflicted. What should I do? She’s found me out, what am I supposed to do- “I got a phone call from the school.” My moms voice shook with every word. All I could do was stand there and accept whatever was going to be thrown at me. It was foolish of me to think that I could hide something like this. Let alone be happy while doing it. “I didn’t raise you like this.” My mother cried as she stumbled backwards. I could see her losing her balance. “Mom-“ “don’t fucking touch me.” My hand was extended towards her. I retracted it back. I have no right to feel hurt by her words. I watched as my mother cried into her hands. I kept thinking about how just yesterday, I was snuggling in her arms. I deserved to be yelled at. I deserved everything. I know that yet, I can’t help but blame everything on Himari. How could I blame someone with a dead father and an alcoholic mother? Maybe, deep down, I really am a terrible person. My thoughts quickly stopped as my mother arose. My mom wiped her tears as she walked away from me, back to her room. “I can’t look at you the same Lilian.” She looked at me over her shoulder. Our eyes locked but it wasn’t long before I broke the contact. Fuck. I can’t look her in the eyes. My heart beat was practically pounding out of my chest. “How could you do this to me? I thought I raised you better than this….god…you’ve just gone down the same path as Hana…” my mom mumbled to herself over and over. “What does Ren think of this? Does he know? God are you even still friends with him?? No wonder I never saw you two together anymore…god damn it Lilian, WHY HAVE YOU DONT THIS TO ME?!” I could see her spiraling. But there was nothing I could say. I knew what I did. I can’t plead and say that I didn’t. But…maybe if I explained. Maybe if she listened. Would she then, hear what I have to say? “Mom can I explain-“ I tried to talked but my throat got caught. I cleared it. It was sharp and painful. “Save your explanation. You’ve been hiding stuff from me for years…who knows if you’d be lying or not.” She wiped her nose as she stepped through the door frame. “Don’t even think of speaking to me.” SLAM. The bedroom door slammed shut. I finally felt it. Reality had sunk in. I looked down at my camera. Everything was broken. The lens was cracked and pieces scattered across the floor. My breathing felt heavy and all I could do was stare. I slowly picked up each piece of the camera as I thought over those recent events. I needed a minute to process everything. Before I knew it, I raced upstairs. Entering my room and quietly shutting the door behind me. After putting the broken camera on my desk, I immediately took my phone out of my pocket. Himari, she’ll pick up right? She has to. In my contact list I texted ‘bff’.

‘Hey, my mom found out about Juliet. I’m fucked. Im scared. We have to do something.’

That’s what I texted her. Within a minute the message was read. Shes not mad at me! My worries slightly faltered as I felt relieved to see she began to read my messages again.

‘I’m sorry about everything. Help me please. You get it right? Please Himari.’

I texted back. I was desperate for something, anything that could make this right. I stared at my phone, my breathing heavy, awaiting an answer. But I shouldn’t have expected anything more from Himari. Because she never replied to me. All I could do was wait. And I did. The day continued on. It had gotten dark. Hana was still nowhere to be seen. My mom only came out for dinner, she fixed me a sandwich before returning back to her room. No words were exchanged. I never ate that sandwhich. Instead I went to my room. It was completely dark. The only light that shined was the moonlit sky from my bedroom window. My eyes danced over each inch of my room. My room, a reflection of my soul. I hated everything about it. Without thinking I started destroying my room. From my desk, to my closet. I tore off each picture I had ever taken hung up on my wall. I don’t want to remember this. I threw old digital cameras and Polaroids on the floor, until they were shattered. I ripped off posters from my favorite bands. I tore old stuffed animals that my mother and Hana had bought me on various occasions. I threw clothes that I used to like into a trash bag. Until all I was left with was blank canvas. The image of myself I hated the most, I wanted it gone. I stared at the blank room as I caught my breath. I brought my hands to my head, clawing at my hair. I’m acting so pathetic, so childish. I saw something out of the corner of my eye, a cardboard box that stuck out from underneath my bed. Inside were photos of Ren, some were of Himari, but mostly Ren. They felt rough on my hands. I took one of the pictures and held it up, with my two fingers at the edge of the paper, I was about to pull the opposite way, tearing it in half. “What the fuck is going on-“ Hana’s voice hummed in my ear. I turned around to see her standing in my doorway. “Lilian-” She said while looking at me straight in the eyes. I quickly looked away as that feeling began to encapsulate me. “What the hell are you doing in here!? Your posters!! Oh my god, Lilian, your cameras!-“ She then entered my room, scurrying to pick everything up. I observed her movement. It looked panicked. I couldn’t understand why. We never got along. I hate her. I’ve always hated her. I thought the feeling was mutual. “Lilian what happened-“ “just get out.” My voice was hoarse. The only time I could speak, it came out from the worst side of me. I bit my nails as I sat there with Rens photo in my hand. Hana stared at me for a second. She looked me up and down. Her face was a blur to me. She bit her bottom lip and left my room. So my mom hadn’t told her yet. I dragged my fingers down my eyes lids. Exposing the inner flesh. This familiar thing I did, often when I didn’t want to cry. I had no energy left. I leaned closer to my left. Falling flat on the floor. I stared off into space. The moon shining on my body, still covered in my school uniform. I hadn’t bothered to change. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak. I want to sleep. For a long time. All I could do was stare and think. So many people have it worse than me, yet here I am sitting in my own sadness, because of something I did to myself. I never went to sleep that night. I stayed up all night. Until that dreadful morning.