When Your Child Is Having Trouble Making Friends at School

If your child comes home from school and says, “I don't have any friends,” it can be hard to know what to do. You may feel worried, especially when you see other children making friends easily.

The first thing to remember is that making friends doesn't come naturally to every child. Some children are outgoing and comfortable approaching others, while others are shy, cautious, or need more time to warm up. Some children are perfectly happy having one close friend instead of a large group.

Start by listening

When we're worried about our children, it's easy to jump straight into problem-solving.

“Why don't you just go talk to them?”

“Just ask if you can play.”

“I'm sure they'll be your friend.”

Even though we're trying to help, these responses can sometimes make a child feel like making friends should be easy.

Instead, try slowing down and listening.

You might say, “That sounds really hard. Tell me what happened.”

You may learn that your child actually has someone they sit with at lunch, but they don't feel close to that person. Or maybe they tried to join a group and were told no. Sometimes there is more to the story than we realize.

Help without taking over

As parents, our instinct is often to fix things. We might want to call another parent, talk to the teacher, or immediately arrange a playdate.

For younger children, parents may need to be more involved. But as children get older, it's also important for them to have opportunities to figure out friendships on their own.

You can ask:

“Do you want me to help you with this, or do you just want me to listen?”

Sometimes they want advice. Sometimes they just need you to hear them.

Look for opportunities to connect

It can be easier for children to make friends when they are doing something they enjoy.

Think about what your child likes to do. Maybe they enjoy drawing, soccer, animals, music, reading, video games, or building things. A class, club, sports team, or other activity can give them a chance to spend time with children who have similar interests.

You don't have to push your child to become friends with someone. Just creating opportunities to be around other children can be a good starting point.

Practice if your child doesn't know what to say

Some children really want to make friends but don't know how to approach someone.

You can practice at home without making it feel like homework.

For example, you might ask:

“If you wanted to join someone who was playing at recess, what could you say?”

For an older child or teenager, you might talk about how to start a conversation with someone in class.

Keep it simple. The goal isn't to teach your child a script for every social situation. It's to help them feel a little more prepared and confident.

Pay attention to what's underneath the friendship problem

Sometimes difficulty making friends is just part of growing up. But sometimes it can be connected to something else.

A child may be avoiding other children because they are worried about being rejected. Another child may have low self-confidence and assume that nobody will like them. A child who has recently changed schools may simply need time to adjust.

It's also important to consider whether your child is being left out or bullied.

Pay attention to changes in your child's behavior. Are they suddenly asking to stay home from school? Are they withdrawing from activities they used to enjoy? Do they seem much more worried, sad, or frustrated than usual?

These changes can tell you that your child may need some additional support.

Don't compare your child to other kids

It's easy to look at another child who seems to have lots of friends and wonder, “Why can't my child be more like that?”

Try not to.

Children have different personalities, interests, and ways of connecting with people. Having a small circle of friends isn't necessarily a problem. What matters is whether your child feels connected and comfortable with the relationships they have.

What your child needs most

Your child may not need you to find them a best friend. They may need reassurance that there is nothing wrong with them because they haven't found their people yet.

You can say something as simple as:

“Making friends can take time. You don't have to be friends with everyone. We'll figure this out together.”

If your child continues to feel lonely, is very anxious about school, or is struggling with confidence and relationships, talking with a therapist, school counselor, or another trusted professional may be helpful.

Sometimes having a safe place to talk can help a child understand what is making friendships difficult and build confidence at their own pace.

Most importantly, let your child know that having a hard time making friends doesn't mean there is something wrong with them. Sometimes it simply takes time to find the people they feel comfortable being themselves around.

This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for individualized mental health care.