The Lead Up

Hey....how y'all doin?

You've arrived here either because you belong to r/FundieSnark, you're a wayward cult-Googler, or you're a very, very lost 14-year-old.

To begin, can I just say how excited I am to finally embrace my godly design for femininity and identity? Finally, after all these years, someone has arrived to tell me what to do with my boobs, and the three of us are very eager to learn.

As a precursor, I would just like to reiterate that during my time on this mission, deep in the trenches of chevron maxi skirts and oppression, I did not interact with anyone. If this is how these people wish to spend their summer days, I respect that right, however, I also have the right to criticize them for it. I am a 24-year-old female who endured 14 years of Catholic school and am thus very well versed in using religion as a means to shame young girls.

I created a separate Google account and Facebook account for this conference, under a pseudonym.

The Conference kicks off today at 2pm CST, which is 3pm for me. As I am back at work now, I have taken a half-day under the guise of a doctor's appointment in order to attend. I'm not sure how long I will last consecutively, but thankfully my $43 has bought me lifetime access to the videos, so in due time I will make it through them all.

This will all be very stream of conscience.

Things that are absolute direct quotes are in “”, everything else is pretty verbatim but obviously paraphrased here and there because I’m not a machine. Also anything in italics is snark directly from yours truly.

Emails from my girls, Bethy & KK.

I signed up for this nightmare with my new GMail and then promptly ignored it. I logged in today (7/31), the day of the show y'all, and read through the expected emails from my favorite girls keeping me up to date with all the hot conference goss.

The Facebook Group & Official Notebook

I have officially been granted access to the Facebook group, where this whole thing is being hosted. I am the 700th member which is both concerning and a little underwhelming. In order to join the super secret Facebook group, I had to agree to not share anything from the conference. I believe commentary is protected under Fair Use, but in order to avoid being sued by a bunch of blonde chicks in corduroy, I won't be posting any videos or screenshots.

I have also received access to the super official Girl Defined Conference Notebook PDF. The entire thing reads like a folder you'd get at sorority recruitment and it includes the lyrics to the contradictory Sisterhood Anthem. It also has Bible verses and notes that relate to each session, which I will go through as they are required. Scanning ahead, it looks like they're going to talk about Meghan Markle? Which is...unexpected? There's a lot of guided note taking, with fill-in-the-blanks, which makes me feel like I'm in a grade school Reading Comprehension study group. The Notebook concludes with some terrifying COLORING PAGES and a mail in form for donations, because it's 1995.

Also apparently, there is a WhatsApp conversation for those attending. As much as I would love to, I will not be joining for obvious reasons.

Main Sessions

Who is Defining Your Womanhood? (Bethany and Kristen)

• • The Bible is all we need for guidance.

  • The first time KK questioned whether or not she was pretty was when she was at the mall when she was 10 and a lady asked if she would want to be a model. This was the first time KK had questioned her appearance. She didn't accept the offer, but if this random lady thinks she can be a model, then do other people think she’s pretty as well?

    1. Both KK and Bethy went through a phase where they wore a ton of makeup because they thought it would make them look cool.

    2. When KK gets older, she still wants to be a model and OH MY GOD, IT’S THE WORST JCPENNEY CATALOG MODELING OF ALL TIME.

    3. Bethy never really cared about how she looked, she talks about how amazing she was at basketball in high school.

  • Bethy always thought she’d just marry young and having a man would define her. Then in her mid-20s, she was still single. She got married when she was 30 which is like “so old.” She didn’t think she had any worth because she was single. I have a feeling that no one in her circle told her that that’s not a thing.

  • We must ask ourselves if we are going to listen to Culture or to God?

  • Suzanna comes on stage and Bethy is going to stick Post-It notes to her that represent things that culture uses to define girls. They are: TikTok, varsity sports, flaunting your assets, being skinny, career, a boyfriend, marriage, Boss Babe, your dreams, beauty, fashion, and school.

    2. 1. “You see, these are just a few of the loud voices that we hear from our own sinful hearts on what it means to be a real woman. If you don’t do these or value these, then you’re not really a real woman.”

       2. Lip fillers are bad. They are showing a photo of an African American woman who I don’t think has any lip fillers, I think she just has naturally full lips (and is very beautiful.) The picture is below.

  • They find the body positivity movement to be very confusing. I kind of get what they are saying, but I think they miss the point that women can choose to do whatever they want and can define their own value themselves. Like the point of true feminism is that woman can choose to do whatever they want.

  • There’s too many messages out there and it’s too confusing, but God’s message ism’t confusing, so just do what he tells you.

  • Your worth has nothing to do with you or your accomplishments, but everything to do with the worth that God places in you. So I guess it’s just an arbitrary number…like a caste system!

  • Now they’re reading a poem about the Devil and it’s the longest fucking poem in the world - it’s the goddamn Odyssey. I went on TikTok again.

  • Okay, so their whole point is to not listen to the all the voices of the world but to just listen to God’s opinion. There’s no mention of one’s own opinion. These girls have been battered down and told they have no freedom, so they search for clear cut direction because they have no semblance of independence. Their version of God offers them this. They want a man to tell them exactly what to do, but instead of finding a man on earth, like Jim Jones, they’ve chosen the invisible man who they can then twist to say what they want because in the end, he’s just in their heads. They’re their own cult leaders and cult followers. It’s a great setup.

  • This is so boring.

  • Suzannah is back and they’re replacing the Post-It notes from before (because she’s just been backstage wearing them for the last 30 minutes). They replace them with the things that God wants from us. KK is in charge of the roll of tape. Big day for KK. Suzannah awkwardly nods.

  • Life isn’t about us, life is about serving God. We are God’s servants. Is this how the bees feel?

  • It doesn’t matter if we achieve our dreams. It only matters if we praise God for the life he’s given us. The life he’s given us to serve him, which is a confusing concept. An endless loop of bullshit, if you will. That’s just slavery with extra steps. Bethy talks about her thin lips.

  • Bethy mentions that she just had a baby. KK looks furious and uncomfortable. KK has spoken much during this session. She stands like she has to pee. The break time isn’t for an hour. I also just realized that half the girls on stage are wearing the same shoes.

  • I tuned out. It’s so boring.

  • We’re praying again.

  • It’s discussion time so for the next 15 minutes, I’m supposed to go through the questions in the notebook with the people I’m with. My dog is not excited.

• Okay, we had the 15-minute break. I went back to the Facebook group and everyone is very confused because we have no clue how to join the Breakout Sessions. GD is 10 minutes behind schedule. The Facebook Group is now just overflowing with people commenting and asking what is happening. There is no one from the Girl Defined team monitoring the social media and answering questions. It feels like somewhere, in a lonely convention center in the San Antonio heat, all the Baird sisters are napping as their audience waits.

• People are in a frenzy because it’s been 15 minutes now and the breakout sessions haven’t started. Also, there’s a video posted to the page of a girl crying asking us all to pray for Bethy and KK.

• OOOH, we figured it out. The Breakout Sessions don’t start until 4:45 PM CST, which is confusing because in the video they said they would start in 15 minutes, but it’s actually an hour from now. Also, for two girls harping on about how worldwide the sisterhood is, they didn’t seem to take into account any other time zones. More importantly, WHY IS NO ONE MONITORING THE FACEBOOK GROUP?!

• Ok, the break is over.

• Apparently, all the breakout sessions were prerecorded and have been posted as unlisted videos on YouTube. They also didn’t pin the post with the sessions so I had to like keep scrolling through 56 coloring page submissions every time I needed to start a session.

Worship Time | Day 1

They are three minutes behind schedule as we wait for the worship ceremony to begin. I am not sure how long I will make it through this part.

Now we’re watching the same stupid video about sisterhood. There is a band called 1910 Worship. Oh no, it’s Christian Rock. Oh worse, it’s a singalong. I am having flashbacks to high school. Yeah, I’m out for now.

Dav and Zack Judge the YeeHaw Competition

Oh god, it’s the YEEEHAWWW competition and we have to watch all the videos as they judge. Two grown men judge young girls on their ability to pretend to straddle a horse. I don’t want to make fun of the young girls submitting videos into this but the homeschool vibes are so strong. That’s all I’ll say.

Okay, who wins? Big drum roll. Dav and Zack must think about this. The girl who wins YEEEHAWs in front of a field of cows.

Bethy calls Dav husband, which I’ve heard other people do, but it’s weird when they do it. Dav is singing opera now. It’s off-key. Everyone joins in. They’re all off-key.

Made to be Female on Purpose and for a Good Purpose (Bethany and Kristen)

• This is gonna get real transphobic, isn’t it?

• KK was so into planning her wedding in 2011 because she was inspired by the royal wedding in April of 2011. KK had 1000 people at her wedding, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the Royal Wedding. Kate was such an average girl who married into the family. They know nothing about the Royal Family. Also, they’d probably be horrified to know that Kate had the traditional vows changed and took out the part about obeying her husband. If they say Princess Kate one more time. She’s A PRINCESS BY TITLE. SHE’S A DUCHESS. If she were to use the title Princess, she would technically be Princess William of Wales. She’s married into the family. More importantly, why the fuck are they talking about this? KK is doing her signature smile head nod grimace thing. Oooh because we’re all supposed to act like Kate Middleton because we’re all royalty because we’re daughters of God the King. Don’t quote me on that, though. To be honest, this is like incoherent at this point. My face is going to be permanently stuck in a wtf position for the rest of my life after this.

• Bethy is reading from Girl Defined, the book. It’s a narrative of the creation of Adam and Eve but it’s written like Twilight. The Bible but make it Twilight.

• KK looks wistful and like she’s tired of standing. So far Bethy has been in charge.

• The narrative moves to the part where God creates Eve. This is just fanfic at this point. Apparently, this is the greatest love story ever told. It sounds like the lamest arranged marriage. Bethy has whipped out a chalkboard and is drawing stick figures of a man and a woman. Men and women are equal, but purposefully different. The God we serve specifically created two genders for a reason. Your female design was not an accident. It’s starting! You were created female on purpose to reflect God. KK tells us that God’s greatest desire is for females to be in a purposeful relationship with God. We’re all God’s girlfriends? Oh no, they want to dig deeper into scripture. I’m so BORED. Get your Bibles out!

  1. • John 1:12 | Believe in Jesus helps us become a child of God.

     • 2 Corinthians 5:17 | We’re still sinners, but when we believe in Jesus, we’re forgiven.

     • Ephesians 1: 3-14 | It’s okay if nobody cares about you, because God cares about you. God has adopted you. They still keep mentioning Kate Middleton.

• Oh my god I’m so bored again. I zoned out and went on TikTok. The thinly veiled transphobia is so boring, I kind of wish they’d go on a raging tangent and kick something over just so I’d have something to write about. They’re talking about Kate Middleton again, for fuck’s sake.

• Oh my fucking lord, it’s over, thank Jesus.

Hey Girl, Let's Bravely Take God at His Word (Betsy Gomez)

• Betsy Gomez becomes a personal enemy of mine by the end of this conference. She ends every sentence as though she’s asking a question. She also describes her mom as being a super feminist, which I guess is bad in her opinion.

• Apparently growing up in the church and in a feminist family was very confusing for her. She didn’t want to be a mother, she wanted to do more, she didn’t want to stay home, etc. She relied too much on the world and on culture to tell her what is right and wrong. She doesn’t have the right to do what she wants to do with her life because God created her. None of us do.

• I keep glancing at the live comments on this stream and it is taking every fiber of my being to not comment asking what the hell this woman is talking about.

• Now, she’s talking about the PowerPuff Girls and she says that no one would know what that is because we’re too young.

• I can’t understand her, I know English isn’t her first language, but she’s very fluent in it, her words just aren’t coherent. Like all the words are correct, but her sentences are jumbled. It sounds like someone trying to meet the word count for an essay.

• She thought there was nothing a man could do that she couldn’t do better. She thought motherhood was an obstacle for her success. She talks about her struggle with PPD. She is dancing around the oppression she is trying to convey. She clearly has some beef with her mother. You need to follow God’s instructions to settle down and be a mom, and not the world’s instructions towards feminism. Because the world’s version of feminism is bad.

• Women can’t marry women. Or get abortions. Or do anything other than stay home, submit to their husband, and procreate without abandon.

• I want to comment so badly and raise the question of infertility, but I won’t. As someone with PCOS who has struggled with the idea of this possibility, I find this conversation ridiculous.

Worship Time | Day 2

It says it’s live, but the band is wearing the exact same outfits as they were last night and possibly singing the same songs (I can’t tell). Could GD only afford this band for one night? No one in the comments seems to have noticed.

Welp, it’s time again for the Sisterhood Anthem dance. The slew of white girls that taught it to us yesterday are back, and all look just like they did yesterday. Same t-shirts, same jeans, same hair. Did no one sleep last night? Is it this all prerecorded? It’s too early for this KidzBop crap.

God's Relevant Design for the Modern Girl (Bethany and Kristen)

• This is a long one, so buckle up.

• Bethy and KK are back for another day. Bethy is rocking a white painter’s jumpsuit and KK has swapped her full denim ensemble for a denim skirt and mustard yellow t-shirt. Everyone at the conference continues to keep the niche Christian headband industry in business. The two of them seem to be the only ones who have changed clothes.

• I am instructed to open my notebook, Bethy begins to fake cry over the fact that the conference is half over.

• Time to be informed on how to be a God Lady.

• KK begins the session off with some story about going to Colorado and says “This was like eight years ago, was I married then?” And then Bethy deadpan looks at the camera and says “I know I wasn’t!” Classic Bethy. We continue...they’re in Colorado at a conference with their mom and KK convinces everyone to take a creepy backroad through a mountain. They lose cell service, GPS, and it gets dark. Another car passes them and as Bethy says “it was a white van, so like you know, the creepy kind.” Oh, so they are aware of the existence of pedophiles. They’re all super scared, KK gets bossy and tells them we can’t be afraid, fear is a sin! They make it through and praise the Lord. How this relates to being a God lady is that in our personal lives, as well as our driving lives, we need to follow the map.

• “Being a modern girl today...trying to navigate womanhood can be one of the hardest paths to figure out.” I don’t completely disagree with this at face value. “You know the Bible calls you to pursue truth, but you’re so tired of being the weirdo and just want to fit in. You don’t want to be considered old-fashioned. To stand for God’s truth and to pursue it is to be viewed as being stuck in the dark ages.” Yes, culture evolves, no, that’s not a sin. “Maybe you desire to get married one day and have a family but you’re afraid to say that out loud because it doesn’t sound very ambitious to those around you. Maybe you’ve been single for a lot longer than expected” -- Bethy smirks -- “and maybe you’re beginning to question your standards...Ya’ll the struggle is real.”

• Okay now they’re rambling on about the same 7 things they said yesterday. God designed you, he doesn’t make mistakes, just follow him and you’re gucci. Then they use a lot of fundie-speak such as “pursuing truth”, “having ___ on your heart”, blah blah blah blah. Bethy unfolds a road map from a gas station and there’s a 5 minute song and dance about how old she and KK are and that none of the girls watching probably know what it is. An inadvertent dig at homeschool. Bethy admits that she herself doesn’t know how to read a map. It’s a map of Texas. Now Bethy explains how MapQuest works. I am learning a lot at this point.

• “God created us as females and has a good road map for our lives." Bethy mentioned U-Turns and somewhere, Cody Ko is smiling. “We need to look to God’s word as our roadmap instead of society’s roadmaps for how we should live our lives.” There’s a clipart image of a pirate map on the screen. Bethy talks about how committed pirates are to finding treasure. She mentions Veggie Tales, which isn’t exactly acclaimed for its portrayal of historically accurate pirates. “We have a map like the pirates, it’s God’s word.” This seems flawed. We need to treasure God’s word (the Bible) like pirates treasure their maps. They bust open their Bibles to Proverbs 3:13-14. It basically says that wisdom and understanding are more valuable than gold. I think maybe God meant all wisdom, like outside of the Bible, maybe like a science textbook? I’m still waiting for the part where they get to the point and stop repeating the same sentence.

• Okay, the Bible is back open and we’re gonna learn some passages that will tell ladies how to do things. Step aside, The Care and Keeping of You, all I need is the Bible. Does the Bible have a chapter on how the hell to use a diva cup? Probably.

• They begin, but tell us that they’re only going to scratch the surface and we should do research on our own. But like, I thought the point of me paying $39 and sitting here for a half an hour already was so that you would do the research for me.

  • Proverbs 31 | A poem to King Lemuel from his mom about what a virtuous girl is like.

    • • She loves and respects her husband. Bethy and KK both say they struggle to respect their husbands. I don’t know if they mean as superiors or as humans. Society doesn’t drive us to respect our husbands. We need to show them value and honor.

      • She does him good and not harm all the days of her life. This includes the days before she’s even married or knows her husband. We’re supposed to be pure, nice, happy, and pray for him even before we know him.

      • She works hard morning until night. Didn’t they say ambition was bad? Not if it’s for God.

      • She welcomes hospitality. Welcome people into your hone and serve them. Don’t hide behind the label of introvert.

      • She is an example of dignity and strength. She has dignity, but she’s not a wimp.

      • She speaks words of wisdom and wisdom comes from God. We need God to help shape us and give us wisdom, but not from reading.

      • She treats people with kindness. KK says she’s working on this one.

      • She takes great care of her home and family. Modern society encourages people to shove their children aside.

      • She’s not lazy or idle. Ask God to search your heart if you’re giving into laziness.

      • She’s beautiful. But it’s her character, not her physicality.

      • She fears the Lord. We care most about God’s opinion.

  • Titus 2 | Paul talks to Titus in Crete about how to direct other people and women on how to behave.

    • • Women need to be respectful and not a slave to anything other than God.

      • Women need to love their families because there’s a modern war against the family and they want to rip the family apart. Bethy shouts I LOVE YOU, DAVEY JR.

      • Women mentor younger women. Bethy and KK both have mentors. Man would I like to meet them.

      • She is self-controlled in her emotions.

      • She pursues purity.

• KK says we all must be surprised that the Bible has “soo much to say about being a woman.” Soo much as in the 2 verses you mentioned? That was supposed to be a lot? It’s 1400 pages long for fuck’s sake.

• Bethy says the goal of our lives is to glorify God and living to please him. So why does our opinion of his word matter so much? It shouldn’t. Just do what he says. It only makes you uncomfortable because you’re thinking about yourself and not God.

• Okay, examples Bethy gives of how God’s word relates to modern girlhood are as follows. She also says she is glad no one is in the front row because she spits a lot when she talks and it’s a “splash zone.” “Lots of spit flying from me.” KK looks mortified.

• Bethy’s examples:

  • • She pursues purity in every area of her life. In high school, Bethy remembers that everyone was super into Christian romance novels and Bethy got really into them too. (What the hell is a Christian romance novel.) Bethy started to have impure thoughts at night and she wasn’t honoring God or her future husband. She got rid of all her books and said she wouldn’t read them anymore.

    • She welcomes hospitality. Several years ago, there was a girl who was hard to get along with socially. So not a lot of people were inviting her places. Bethy says this girl needs friends and it’ll take work, but she starts inviting her to hangout.

    • Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain. Bethy and KK were very insecure about their height. A girl told Bethy she was freakishly tall. God has really helped her heart though.

    • She fears the Lord.

• The reason womanhood confuses people is because they don’t read the Bible enough to understand it. Those two verses you mean? Bethy says “Snatchap” instead of Snapchat.

Fearless Femininity Shaped by the Character of Christ (Betsy Gomez)

Incoherent Betsy Gomez just called me a “good girl” for viewing this livestream.

• What does it mean to be a fearless girl? Are you being shaped by the world? Or are you being shaped by the word of God? I personally am being shaped by the Taco Bell dollar menu.

• What comes to mind when you hear the phrase fearless girl? A girl jumping from a helicopter? A female soldier? A woman brave enough to shave her head? What? There’s a statue in NY called Fearless Girl, she is a statement of girl power. Supposedly, we should look at her and feel proud. It was supposed to encourage Wall Street to hire more women. Eve also stood up for her own beliefs and chose to eat the forbidden fruit and now all suffer with sin. The world is offering the wrong solution to fear.

• You see shirts that say You Do You or ones that say Trust Your Arrow or Love Yourself First or You Are Enough. These are the things the world is screaming at us. They tell us to trust ourselves. But that is the word of the enemy of God. We are constantly listening to these messages on Instagram, TV, music, etc. These are lies. The world is telling us that a real woman is independent, self-sufficient, powerful in herself. The world, sisters, is pressing you to despise God’s beautiful design for your femininity. They are all lies.

• Consider a new kind of fearlessness, consider someone other than yourself. You Do You will not save you because at the end of the day you will just have more sin. You need to consider Jesus. He is the only true fearless human being to ever live. Uh, I don’t think that’s true. Remember the J-Man stressing out in Gethsemane because he was afraid to die?

• Jesus wasn’t afraid to be obedient.

It’s gotten to the part of the seminar where she starts to repeat the same thing over and over and over again.

Long story short, we need to fear God and we’re all sacks of shit who don’t deserve confidence. Betsy does this thing where she loses her train of thought and stops halfway through her sentence and stares at the camera and itches her nose.

We deserve all the wrath and punishment of God, we didn’t deserve forgiveness. You need to shape your life based on this.

Live Q&A Panel (Bethany, Dav, Kristen, and Zack)

Bethy is upset that she and Dav’s chairs aren’t touching because you know, they have sex now, so they must always be touching. This transcript doesn’t have everything because these people ramble on way too much for that.

• Am I asking too much of a guy? Are my standards too high?

  • Z: Don’t hold him to anything that you aren’t willing to hold yourself to.

  • D: Setting up physical boundaries is important. You need the right mindset. Reframe it from “we can’t do this” to “we have the freedom to create our relationship in a way that moves us better towards our long term goals.” Then he kind of friend zones Bethy.

  • B: We were dating not that long ago, two conferences ago we weren’t even married! You don’t want all your conversations to be about boundaries. She makes a weird cow noise. Look how happy we are now.

  • D: Yeah, we touch each other now.

• How do I let the other person know about my boundaries?

  • K: Early on in our relationship, we built a friendship first, but at some point we were in a dating relationship and needed to have a talk about it.

  • Z: Yeah, like can I put my hand there?

  • K: What are they thinking? What does God’s word say?

  • B: It’s awkward for everyone.

  • K: We were just very honest and brought it up. You’ve just gotta bite the bullet and go for it.

  • Z: And you can use that conversation to see if your boyfriend is a leader and if he will lead you spiritually. But don’t overthink his answers.

  • K: I’d ask you [Zack], and you’d say ‘Oh, I’ve never really though about that. Let me go and think about that, look at Scripture, talk to godly people and then we can talk about it next week.’ So he had a spirit of humility and desire to learn.

  • Z: You don’t want him to have all the answers.

  • D: You want a growth mindset. I wish more people had told me before our relationship to lean into this idea that this conversation doesn’t completely define the relationship.

• What do you do if you feel left behind because all your friends are married?

  • B: That’s not a fun place to be when you’re looking around and like *incoherent cow noise* I’m the only single left and…

  • D: *stares blankly at her and then into the camera*

  • B: …Kristen and I kind of had that situation because you [Kristen] got married 9 years ago and I got married less than 2 years ago.

  • K: You caught up pretty fast!

  • B: Yeah, haha, seven years later…

  • K: *pitifully looks Bethany up and down*

  • B: I had a fired who was also 30+ and single and we were talking about that and how you don’t have to wait until you’re married to start to learn and grow. So we can read a lot of great books about relationships so that when we are married we aren’t behind and so we’re really prepared for it. Just focus on serving God in this season he’s placed you in and read Love Defined!

KK goes on a tangent about reading and Bethy blatantly checks her phone and shows the screen to Dav and makes a weird face and then mouths “Oh.” She keeps scrolling on her phone while looking up once and awhile to fake a laugh.

• • K: I learned quickly on my honeymoon that my selfish heart followed me from single -hood into marriage. We don’t transform when we get married. You need to build a relationship with Christ.

  • Z: That’s good, that’s real good.

  • D: There’s only so much you can do to prepare for something you’ve never done before and I’d never been in a relationship before Bethany.

  • B: Yeah, well I’d had more boyfriends than you (unfortunate phrasing) but you were still, obviously, the best.

  • D: I struggled in directions like north, south, where is my car, etc. So I Googled can you get better at directions and I did some stuff to work on it so I wouldn’t get lost on our dates. It didn’t really work. Pursue the things you’re bad at so you get better at them.

• What if the guy goes too slow?

  • K: Story of my life! My dating life, before Zack.

  • Z: I was slow.

  • B: Yeah, you were slow. I got to the point with Kristen saying ‘We’re done with Zack! We’re moving on! He’s not speaking up!’ We didn’t know what was going on.

  • Z: Yeah, I was finishing school and couldn’t be in a relationship, but I was interested and didn’t know how to communicate that. Ladies need to affirm the things that we try and not critique too much. It sucks the wind out of him. Tell him how you appreciate the things he does and then tell him to do those things more. Instead fo saying you never get flowers for me say I really liked it when you…

• Is it possible to really get to know a guy long distance? What are some practical ways to build that relationship?

  • B: We’re all married so we’re gonna bring on our younger sister, Ellissa, who is currently in a long distance relationship.

  • E: *mic doesn’t work*

  • K: We can’t hear you.

  • E: *still doesn’t work*

  • B: We still can’t hear you.

  • E: *turns the mic on*

  • B: There we go.

  • E: My microphone was in a long distance relationship with me, haha. I am very intimidated by these people up here. Long distance is possible if you do some work. It’s not gonna be easy because you won’t be in person.

  • K: Wait, does everyone know?

  • E: Um, so, I’m dating a guy from Ukraine.

  • Z: So like, across the ocean?

  • E: Yeah, Ukraine is kind of like Russia. We’ve been dating for a while now, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. But yeah, it’s possible. I mean it’s hard to get to know him, but will you ever really know him? You can and should communicate a lot. Kristen actually told me to create a note about him on my phone of the good and bad things about him and keep track of all the things he says.

  • Z: Keeping a list?!

  • E: Yeah, it sounds so scary, but it was recommended to me by my mentor, so what can I say? Also, don’t do it alone. Don’t isolate yourselves. It can be too confusing with all the emotions. Get your family and friends involved. We’ve done a FaceTime with Kristen and Zack and that was amazing. He’s FaceTimed my Dad. Have others involved in the relationship.

  • B: Y'all have had it extra rough. They started dating and then literally Coronia hit.

  • D: The plague.

  • B: They couldn’t see each other because of, like, the law.

  • Z: When did you last see him?

  • E: The last time I saw him was in January. So, yeah, thanks Corona.

  • B: Not by choice!

  • E: Yeah, we’re not trying to keep apart. We like each other.

  • B: So what are some ways y’all have built y’all’s relationship?

  • E: Yeah, I love going through a book together. We went through a biblical book together and then we’d answer the questions at the end of each chapter. I also liked going through a list of questions. We used GirlDefined’s 136 Questions.

  • B: We really wished Andriy, uh, how do you say his name?

  • E: I say On-dree, but some people say On-dray. It’s all a different language to him so it doesn’t matter to him.

  • B: We really wanted Andriy to be here. Obviously he can’t, but we asked him a few questions. We asked him what initially attracted him to Ellissa and he sent us a video. So check it out:

  • Andriy (Live from what looks like some Scandanavian group home): She is a beautiful young lady and she has a real faith and true love to the Lord and I was able to see her pure love towards missionaries and missions. She is able to participate in so many ministries. All of this create very unique perception of her and I really like that. After that I was able to learn about her family and obviously she was raised in a very good, Godly family. I was able to see how easy it is to communicate with her. All of that helped me to create a very positive attitude toward her. Even after a very short time of our friendship, I was able to see a clear picture from God that she was the right person. All that create in me strong understanding and strong commitment in relationships. We didn’t want to play around. We were serious from the very beginning. Currently we were able to go through a book together and so many questions. I was committed to stay in connection with her dad, that helps me to understand her better.

  • B: Awww that’s so sweet!

  • Z: I love that guy.

  • K: That accent though! We have to wrap it up. Thank you so much for all the questions. But before you go, Ellissa can you give us a few words in Russian?

  • E: Uhhh. *says hello, my name is Ellissa in Russian. Everyone is shocked.*
    

Kristen goes on to introduce her mentor, Susan Macias, who will do a demonstration that illustrates identity. The other Bairds set up some mirrors and post-it notes. Susan misses her cue but eventually shows up, out of breath, with her bag still in her hand. She’s really socially awkward and kicks Bethy and KK off the stage. Oh apparently her being late is part of the demonstration. Jesus Christ. She harps on about how she hates being old and prefers to be called experienced. She’s like fine wine. She’s late because she didn’t know what to wear because she’s talking to young hip people. She didn’t want to look like an old fuddy duddy or like she’s 25. She tries to look cute. She’s wearing converse. She’s not wearing them to send out a message, she just loves them. Ut oh! She forgot her notes. What will everyone think of her? One of the problems with being old is your memory is bad. Oh no all the criticism. She looks in the mirror. It has post-it notes on it. She thinks that half the audience is gonna think she’s a crazy Bible lady and the other half will think she’s too worldly because she has jeans on and talked about wine. She goes on a tangent about some bullshit with mirrors. God saves her. She is loved by the creator. She’s like kind of crying. One mirror is her opinion, one is other’s opinions, one is God’s opinion. She decides to follow Jesus and says “would you like to join me?” and then carries that mirror off stage dramatically. “No lookin’ back, come on.”

Habits of a Strong Christian Girl (Bethany and Kristen)

• It’s the last session, thank the LORD. They’re doing the stupid Sisterhood Anthem dance again.

• Bethany and KK come out and thank the girls soooooo much for doing the dance. Zack and Dav come to deliver a podium. Bethany and KK admit that they don’t even know the Sisterhood dance. KK also admits that she jammed to the Sisterhood Anthem while she did her makeup yesterday morning. Bethany tells us that Dav spent a lot of time creating the anthem. They wanted him to join in the last dance because he wrote it but they decided that it would be too weird for him because it talks about sisterhood and he’s a boy.

• KK asks that if anyone feels blessed by this conference and feels led to be a part of the sisterhood, then they can sign up to donate $20 - $30 monthly to the ministry, or a one-time donation to solidify your membership to the sisterhood. Now they’re playing a song for 2 minutes and leaving their donation link.

• Bethy and KK decided to have a photoshoot back in the day to showcase how strong and sexy they were like the girls in the magazines. They recruit a sister to take photos for them. They go outside onto the roof on their house so that there would be wind that would blow their hair around. They show us a photo from the photoshoot. Not gonna lie, it does look like a 2005 Rimmel London ad, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing though.

• This is the one screenshot I will provide because oh my god.

• They went through a phase where they associated being a modern girl with being strong and being a good Christian girl with being weak. They totally understand why being a Biblical woman might feel like giving things up. This is the big question: Is it possible to be a strong girl and a Christian girl at the same time?

• Being a strong girl is a good thing and God needs strong girls, but God wants us to become the right kind of strong. God wants to strengthen us from the inside out. He wants us to be strong according to His way and not the world’s way. What is God’s version of strength? It’s the opposite of what we might think. First, we must recognize how truly weak we are. We were created to need God.

• We’re supposed to open our Bibles to Colossians 2:6-7: So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

• Being rooted in your relationship with Jesus is the key to true strength.

• Then they bring out a table with a plant on it and a table with a glass of water on it. Kristen explains to us what the word root means and how the plant is rooted in soil, we need to be rooted in Jesus. Then she cuts off some of the flowers and as she does that, she mentions peer pressure and TikTok and the world’s version of what a strong woman should be. She puts the flowers in a vase and says that on the outside, they look really nice in their little vase and are so “liberated from oppressive ways of thinking” and they feel bad for the plant that is stuck in its pot. But eventually, the plants in the vase will die because they aren’t rooted in soil (Jesus).

• I had a moment where I thought for a second that KK was wearing panty hoes and I thought about nothing but how weird that would be for about 5 minutes.

• The plant metaphor goes on for a really long time.

• Bethany challenges us that for the next 7 days we should read the Bible everyday and keep each other accountable in the Facebook group.

• Now they’re all on stage and holding hands. There’s a really long prayer and then they announce next year’s conference. It will be in San Antonio from July 30 - July 31st, 2021.

Breakout Sessions

What to Look for in a Guy Other Than "He's a Christian" (Paul and Morgan Olliges)

As a single bitch, I am very excited about this session.

First, didn’t Morgan and Paul fly to Texas? Why did they do that just to show us a video from their living room? They mention that they are reading from notes because “they totally couldn’t memorize all of this.” There’s a piece of a foil balloon stuck to the wall behind them and it’s driving me nuts. Paul’s shirt’s neckline is unsettling.

Okay here we go!

1. Maturity Level. This is a yellow flag and not a red flag. Age is secondary to maturity level. Morgan is giggling like she’s four while Paul is talking and the irony is strong. It’s bad if the guy talks about his exes a lot and also weird if he posts weird videos on Instagram.

2. Is he ROOTED in the Word? There are a lot of Christians who don’t read the Bible, or they read it but they aren’t ROOTED in it. Find a guy who regularly references specific scripture passages that relate to how you’re feeling. You know, like when you’re trying to express your feelings to a man and instead of him listening and expressing his own opinion, he just rattles off some quote he doesn’t really understand?

3. Common Interests. Groundbreaking. “Does he like to take pictures?” Just because you both love God isn’t enough - even though that’s the most important thing and actually, it could probably work if that’s all you end up having in common. This is an excellent case for 15th century arranged marriages.

So far, this is like if there were an odd number of kids in a class so one girl had to pair up with the teacher for a project and now they’re giving their presentation. Morgan is rambling like she’s 14 and Paul is correcting her and keeps saying “So what you’re trying to say is…”

1. Does he respect his family? No, he murdered them all, but he loves Jesus. Look at the way he treats his mother and his sisters. Fuck his dad, though. But you also don’t want a guy that treats his mom too well. Buster Bluth is quaking. Morgan just used the word “crap” and now they’re walking their point back. Did they rehearse this? Did they go over this beforehand? Paul doesn’t know how to pronounce estranged. Oh, neither does Morgan. They’re also not sure of what it means. This is the worst in-class presentation. I think Morgan might be having a manic break. Paul wants to move along and “zip through it.”

2. Does he have a personality? Is he alive? Does he breathe? These are all very important. Morgan’s past romantic interests were too boring. Not like Paul, crazy, wild, Paul. We shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting more in a man than the fact that he is Christian. Morgan reminisces on her Grandpa saying “All a man needs is a good job.” Grandpa must have hated Paul.

Paul and Morgan say they hope we don’t all think they’re too whacky.

1. Is he a hard worker? There are Christian guys who have very poor work ethics. Does all he want to do is stream and play online games? The audacity of someone making a living using online platforms...Morgan then slaps Paul’s ass and jokes about how she should have married a doctor and says we shouldn’t condemn people for marrying for money, because it’s smart.

2. What are his friends like? Are they ~ungodly~? Is he just lying to you in order to win you over? Do his friends like you? Or are they just big jerks? I think Morgan just barked like a dog.

3. Does he have good character? Ah, vagueness. Is he trustworthy or does he lie a lot? Is he humble? Does he brag? You need to ask him DEEP questions. Does he have eyes for other people...like his little cousins? I have no fucking idea what this means, is this you need to look out in case he’s a pedophile? Read the book of Proverbs and then compare him to it.

It’s over, homies. It was a crappy 31 minutes that seemed slapped together and improvised. Morgan ends it by picking her nose and Paul gives her a godly high five. They’ll be back for another “fire” session. This also ends up being the shortest breakout session.

Tips for Combining Fashion and Modesty (Bri Clark)

Bri Clark appears to have actually combed her hair and written a script, unlike Paul and Morgan.

First off, according to Bri, modesty doesn’t have to be frumpy. She then goes on about how Abercrombie and Fitch released padded bikinis for 8-year olds. I looked it up, it did in fact happen and that’s not great. However, I would argue that there’s some room in between 8-year-olds in push-up bras and full grown women showing their shoulders.

Okay, here we go, the reasons modesty matters:

1. Because God has instructed us to be modest in the Bible. If the God of the universe cared enough to talk about it in the Bible, then obviously it is important. We must dress to the glory of God. I don’t know, I think God would really like my sequin mini dress. I think he’d think it’s really cute. Also, we represent God everywhere we go, so e have to look nice.

2. She skips over #2 and goes right to #3.

3. Our bodies are temples and we don’t belong to ourselves. We are princesses and daughters of the King, so we have to look fab. We’re just like Princess Kate. She means, Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge.

4. Our clothing is like the cover of a book. It’s not the most important thing but it communicates what’s inside of our hearts. Are we dying to be noticed by men? Dress. For. Yourself. And. No. One. Else. A woman’s clothing never justifies a man’s sin. Okay, I like this. But that doesn’t mean as women we can’t support men’s path to purity by dressing in a modest way. Nevermind. If you had a friend doing a juice cleanse, would you go to her house with a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough and eat it right in front of her?! Now imagine if your friend grabs the container out of your hand and starts chowing down on it? Who would be responsible for that? Your fucking friend. Your friend is 100% responsible for her actions. Okay, okay. But you could have been a better friend and brought her juice. Yes, obviously loving friends should support each other’s disordered eating habits. Women are cookie dough, purity is juice. Wearing a tank top in front of a man is the same as sitting naked on top of him. She lists off a bunch of scripture passages that I ignore.

The wrong attitudes to have towards modesty:

1. A Freedom Ditch. People think that modesty doesn’t really matter and that they can dress however they want because they have freedom in Christ. But some random Bible verse reminds us that this is wrong.

2. A Checklist Ditch. People become self-righteous and lay out guidelines that they think are right from the Bible and go beyond what the scripture says. Modesty is really just about your heart. If you are sticking to your rules and have a prideful view of them and then judge others, you are not modest. So. Much. Irony. Look in a mirror! Are Bethy and KK watching this?

Okay, it’s time to be Biblical, yo.

Okay, we’re in Genesis - The Garden of Eden. Two people, naked and tan, hanging out in a forest, ready to party. Adam and Eve.

Adam and Eve used fig leaves to cover their ~intimate~ parts, which isn’t very effective, but we can’t be too hard on them because it’s not like they had Target (or coffee!). So they hid in the garden because they were embarrassed by their special parts. This is because they ate from the Tree of Good & Evil. God doesn’t tell them that their nakedness doesn't matter, it’s just not his first concern, he’s actually just mad that they disobeyed him.

Okay, now this doesn’t really make sense. I actually Googled this to double check in case my long-winded Catholic education has failed me. The actual story of Adam and Eve is: God creates Adam, God creates Eve. They are told they can eat anything in the garden except for the forbidden fruit that comes from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. So they’re happy and naked and doing their thing. Then a serpent, the Devil, tricks Eve into eating the forbidden fruit and she then gets Adam to do it as well. Then they become ashamed of their nakedness and become aware of the concept of evil. God condemns all of humanity, gives them some clothes, and then banishes them from the Garden.

So number one, can Bri not even admit that Adam and Eve are naked? She says they’re wearing fig leaves to cover themselves. No, they’re not. They’re like straight naked, which is how God wished them to be. That’s why the term “fig leaf” is used to describe something that is used to cover up something that is perceived to be shameful. They put on the fig leaves after they eat the forbidden fruit. Is she twisting this story to fit her narrative that God didn’t condone nakedness? From my understanding, it would be the opposite. God wouldn’t want us to be ashamed of our nakedness and covering up would be moving in the wrong direction, back towards shame. God is mad that they disobeyed him, but he’s also disappointed that they’re ashamed of the rocking bods he gave them. Genesis just confirms that modesty is a human concept.

God then tells us about clothing and because he invented clothing, we should listen to him. We need to clothe our nakedness. Not really what he says. He just makes them some animal hide tunics because they’re complaining so much about being naked. Adam and Eve covered just their ~intimate~ parts but God covered their bodies. Somebody please make me a shiplap sign that says this.

Okay now we’re in a different book of the Bible and we’re being told that ladies need to dress modestly. It’s time for a fun history lesson about Biblical fashion.

TLDR; don’t dress like a flashy, rich, bitch. We need to avoid dressing in an over-the-top or seductive way. There’s something about a conventionally attractive girl with perfectly curled hair saying this to a bunch of 14 year olds that’s off-putting.

We’ve struggled in finding our identities outside of our outward appearance. God created beauty. We’re meant to reflect beauty but in a proper way.

It’s time for fun, modest fashion tips!

1. Pray for wisdom and listen to the Holy Spirit for guidance.

2. Receive counsel and thoughts from others, who will be honest with you about how you look and its level of modesty. Ask your husband for advice.

   1. Bri is in her kitchen cooking breakfast in a tank top and pants and her 3 year old son walked in and told her to put a shirt on. I can’t tell if she was telling this like it was a good thing or a bad thing. She doesn’t tell us whether or not she went and changed her shirt.

3. Tank tops are your best friends. Wear them underneath things with ~plunging~ necklines. 13-year-old me, circa 2008, loves this idea.

4. Wear half-camis. She describes these as though they are a brand new concept. It’s a sports bra. She’s holding up a sports bra.

5. Wear a white t-shirt underneath dresses and rompers.

6. Cami dresses. What the hell is this? Oh, it’s a slip. You can find them at Forever21. Didn’t they go out of business?

7. Denim jackets. Bri loves denim jackets. Honey, we know.

8. Wear kimonos or button downs over dresses.

9. Order clothing in Tall sizes, so they’ll be longer. As someone who is 5’11”, please stop ordering our clothes, we need them.

10. Wear high-waisted pants to counteract cropped tops.

11. Tuck your shirt in or tie a cute knot in case the shirt is too big. When you tie the knot, tie it to your belt loop so it doesn’t ride up.

12. Take your clothes to a tailor so you don’t have to compromise fit for modesty.

13. Buy oversized clothes, but try and stay out of Frumpyville.

14. Accessorize.

15. Find a pair of capris or jeans and cut them to make modest shorts.

16. Swimsuits: get swim shirts and swim skirts or rash guards from LandsEnd.

17. Are your pants too tight? Too many trips to the ice cream shop? Wear a longer shirt to cover. Do you mean like they don’t button? Or like they just fit normally now?

18. Buy a puffer vest and wear it over shirts that are too tight in the fall and winter.

19. Learn to say no when something isn’t modest. Just because someone else might not see you wearing it, God always sees you. When in doubt, don’t do it.

20. Store recommendations: Target, Old Navy, the Gap, TJ Maxx, thrift stores, RooLee.com, NeeseesDresses.com, OliveAvenue.com, MikaRose.com, CalledtoSurf.com, and of course, GirlDefined.com.

21. Book recommendations: The Look by Nancy Demoss Wogelmuth and Modesty: More than a Change of Clothes by Martha Peace.

22. Ask God directly if you are unsure of certain clothing.

Finding Joy in Christ in the Midst of Suffering (Grace Brown)

• Grace came to know Christ at an early age and didn’t experience suffering until middle school. She loved music growing up and all she wanted was to go to Julliard. She placed a lot of her self worth in her musical talent rather than in Christ. She starts to experience elbow pain, but pushes through it. She goes to the doctor and it turns out its multiple elbow injuries and she needs to stop playing instruments. How does this happen? How does someone randomly, so intensely injure themselves in the elbow over time? She’s not diagnosed with a musculoskeletal condition, they tell her she’s injured. Wouldn’t that mean that something happened to her? Can you seriously injure yourself in the ELBOWS from playing piano too much?

• So her music career dies and she’s told not to use her arms. Ha, what? Physical therapy and other treatments doesn’t help. She is told she can no longer become a performer. She becomes depressed. In 2006, she and her family move to South Korea to teach music. That seems cruel. Make your daughter who’s depressed about never being able to play music again move to Asia to teach others how to play music. Her mom is diagnosed with breast cancer and almost dies. This is what turns her more towards Christ and makes her realize that her decisions affect others. Is she insinuating that she decided for her mom to get cancer?

• Oh my god, this one is so boring and long winded. I ended up leaving it on in the background while I made guacamole. To make a long story short: have a positive attitude, be grateful, love Jesus, and watch ya elbows.

Using Your Single Years to Intentionally Serve God (Jasmine Jacob)

• As I have said before, I am a single bitch and I am very excited to hear this advice. Jasmine tells me it’s okay, we’re all by ourselves sometimes. I laugh, alone in my room, at this point my dog has even left me.

• Jasmine introduces herself. She’s from Louisiana, but has been in Texas for a long time. She’s just moved to Dallas to start teaching. She’s 24, about to turn 25 and has been single that entire time. Okay, hi, I am also 24 and have always been single but I don’t feel qualified to lead a master class on singleness quite yet. Also, not to be mean, but I really thought Jasmine was like 35-40. This experience has also opened my eyes to how annoying I find it when people say The Lord instead of God in casual conversation. Jasmine is the nervous shy girl in class who stutters through her entire presentation.

• Jasmine presents two questions:

  1. How do we serve the Lord in general?

  2. How do we serve the Lord specifically as single people?

• I’m not really sure how those two things differ from each other.

  1. Be devoted. Get your priorities straight. We have so much time as single people. Huh? I sure as heck don’t. Because we’re all just waiting around for our man to show up? Nothing to do but wait. She keeps using the phrase heart posture, which is weird.

  2. We can’t be devoted to things and God, we can only be devoted to God. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. Are you serving God wholeheartedly? Are you captivated by God? Strive to know more about Him. Correct your heart posture. Stop saying that. This is boring and not nearly as sexually frustrated as I had hoped.

  3. Serve God first, others second, and yourself third. Nah, self care girl. Love yourself. Jasmine didn’t want to move to Dallas, but God told her to. I don’t really think that happened, and it doesn’t seem healthy.

  4. Your relationship status could change tomorrow, so you need to use your special time as a single person to serve the Lord. Singleness is fun, and you have no problems and so much free time. What life are you living? You don’t have to ask your partner if you have money in the budget for an iced coffee. Budgeting is only for people in relationships, duh.

• Things to do when you’re single to serve God:

  1. You have time now to think about your devotion. How do you read the Bible? Do you know how to read it? Do you go to Church? Are you consistent? What version of the Bible do you prefer? I’m still not sure what any of this has to do with being single. Do I need to have this all figured out by the time my special man friend shows up?

  2. Work on hospitality skills. Throw a party in order to learn how to be a good hostess and address people’s food allergies. Learn to love people well. Jasmine hates physical touch, she just threw that in there. Also, she used to work at Chik-Fil-A.

  3. Strive for growth. Get a mentor and mentor others. Watch people’s babies for them so they can go to Church. Serve at Church.

  4. Get to know yourself. She’s not gonna talk about masturbation is she. Sigh. Learn your tendencies. Learn what your hobbies are. What’s your relationship with the Lord?

• God made this conference for a reason. Being single is a gift. We’re praying and it’s over.

Navigating Friendships and Peer Pressure as a Teen Girl (Bethany Beal)

• This session was supposed to be lead by Kari Kurz, but it appears to be being lead by Bethy instead.

• Okay, our girl Bethy is here. She’s wearing a green dress that is very obviously safety pinned at the top to make it more ~modest~. We pray and sip our coffees. This is a very long winded, rambling prayer.

• Bethy tells us a story about peer pressure, so buckle up.

• Bethy and KK are teens and they’re out camping with friends when one of them suggests that they drive to the local farms, sneak onto the property, and GO COW TIPPING. OH MY GOD. This is the big peer pressure situation? Cow tipping? If you are unaware, cow tipping is like a practical joke country kids play on each other (usually the new kids that have just moved to town). It’s like an urban legend and is mildly dangerous. Bethy and KK think it’s a real thing and say sure. In hindsight, this is a bad idea, because they are in the South and someone might shoot them. They turn off their phones so their parents can’t find them and then ~literally~ sneak onto people’s property. They try to tip a cow, which doesn’t work. So they keep trying to tip other cows. They’re all mooing. They go home and their parents are really upset. They learned that cow tipping is fake and realized that they had been victims of peer pressure.

• Bethy defines what peers are. And then what pressure is. And then what peer pressure is. Have your friends ever tried to make you try beer? Or go to a party? Or called you a sissy? I don’t think anyone has ever called me a sissy. You don’t cuss? You shop at the thrift store, that’s so lame! If you love your boyfriend, it’s okay to sleep with him! Girl, you can be whoever you want, it doesn’t matter if you were born with a girl body, it matters what’s on the inside. YIKES. FUCKING YIKES. We give into peer pressure in order to look cool or be popular, because we want to blend in. We all give into peer pressure because we want to please the people around us more than we want to please God. I’ve been directed to get my Bible out to follow along. Guess I’ll wing this part. Bethy and KK should have asked themselves if cow tipping was honoring God. I wish I was making this up. Don’t we have dominion over animals? Also, I don’t think 2 white girls cow tipping is on the top of God’s list.

• Bethy wants to bring in some ~real teens~. She brings in Suzannah and Rebekah. They are super excited. Bethy throws KK under the bus and says she was always the one who wanted to break the rules and give into peer pressure. Somewhere off screen, KK breaks the glass she’s holding in rage. Rebekah is 21 and Suzannah is 17. I get the vibe that outside of this, these girls do not speak to each other. She asks Rebekah and Suzannah if they’ve ever experienced peer pressure. Rebekah shares that she was with a group of friends and they started talking bad about someone that wasn’t there. So she told them that they shouldn’t be gossiping and her friends thought she was lame. Suzannah shares that she feels peer pressure in the movies and music she’s supposed to watch and listen to, but she doesn’t know what they’re talking about because she doesn’t watch or listen to those because they are bad. Her friends think she’s lame for having standards because she doesn’t watch popular movies or listen to popular music. It’s a little high and mighty talking about how much higher their standards are than others. Bethy is trying way too hard to relate right now and keeps making weird faces that remind me of my mother mocking me.

• Positive Peer Pressure. They like to play a game called High, Low, Buffalo to get the conversation with friends going. This is a great way to change the conversation away from things that don’t honor God and keeps you from just spending the night talking about dumb stuff. Be the leader of the group so you are in control of the environment and can control what happens. This is a worrisome concept. They have people over all the time so that they can control what happens and then their friends can learn the standards that come with hanging out with them.

For Moms: Q&A (Heather Boyle, Heidi Baird, Angie Beggs, Jenny Petter)

All the questions were the same and I sat through the entire thing the first time without taking any notes. I then went through it again looking for some wisdom. The answer to every question was to trust in God.

Heidi Baird says that all her daughters want to talk about is boys and personality tests. Apparently, she also has access to Suzannah’s Instagram from her phone to keep an eye on her.

That’s it.

5 Truths for Overcoming Crazy-Girl Emotions (Kristen Clark)

KK wants us all to jump up and down in order to push down all the great info we’ve already received in order to make room for her session. She says her tips will be life changing.

There are 5 girls in her family and girls are so emotional, so her dad really suffered. Everyone’s emotional, but girls are worse and Kristen is the most emotional of all the girls in her family. Her nickname was “The Ocean” because she cries so much. Has she heard of Prozac? Now, that’s life changing.

One time, her parents wouldn’t let her wear a certain outfit because it wasn’t modest and she was so upset. She was a toddler when this happened. Toddler modesty.

As a teen, she had a major crush on a guy and he gave her butterflies. Then she worked at a bookstore and had to do public speaking for the first time and it was really scary. On her wedding day, she was really happy. But she’s had three miscarriages, and those were really painful. TDLR; there are many emotions you can experience.

Here are the 5 life changing truths:

1. God created emotions. God also has emotions. He is a God of love, joy, patience, righteous anger, justice, and wrath. Emotions are only bad when they are sinful and rule our lives. KK tries to be an anthropologist and says the first human emotion was from Adam when he was stoked to meet Eve and because at this point there was no sin, there were no negative emotions.

2. Sin greatly impacted our emotions. The first sinful emotion was Eve feeling shame and fear. Original sin is the reason we have crazy girl emotions.

3. Our thinking directly impacts our feelings. NO SHIT. KK prays to God that he helps her control her emotions. Nothing happens. But then she was at a conference and learned that her thinking affected her feelings. She’d be a lot better off if she’d learned science in school. Then she pulls out a toy train and makes a long winded metaphor about positive thinking and talks about her 12-week miscarriage last year and how she started to question God. She got over it, obviously (the God part, not the miscarriage part.)

4. God calls us to pursue self-control. Have you ever said ‘you just make me so mad!‘ Or ‘You drive me crazy!’? The phrase ‘You make me’ puts all the responsibility of the anger on the other person. You should look at your heart and take accountability and learn self-control.

5. Praise is a powerful weapon. Also, being on your period doesn’t give you a pass, it doesn’t say so in the Bible. (KK is unable to say period, and only says time of month). God doesn’t say, “Okay it’s your time of month, forget the fruits of the spirit until day 5.” She prays for God to help her during that time of month and God helped her so much and Zack told her that he was so happy he was married to a woman who didn’t get crazy during her period.

Why Our Modern Culture of Self-Love is More Harmful than Helpful (Bethany Beal)

• Bethany starts to talk about again how she just got married and has a baby and how she was single for a long time, which is all news to me.

• We’re praying and asking God to use this session to guide us. Did God buy a $39 ticket?!

• Please, let this session be about masturbation. I just want to hear them say the word.

• Bethany has had a journey of loving herself and most people in her life would agree that there was a point in her life where she was “self-obsessed.” Specifically in high school, she “loved herself a lot.” She was really good at sports and thought she was “awesome.” She was a good leader in her friends and family and everyone followed her. She was a good friend and a good daughter. Kristen was more rebellious and would break her 9:30 curfew all the time, so Bethany was the better daughter. Her parents couldn’t trust Kristen the way they could trust Bethany. She was also really good at being a good Christian girl and lots of people would talk about it, but instead of using that to bring more glory to Christ, she just accepted the compliment.

• One time in high school after a basketball game, she was chatting to a guy on another team and his teammates started laughing because Bethany was “too good” for him and she let that fuel her pride. She placed a lot of her worth and value on her goodness and she was too into herself.

• Her choices in high school were more about keeping up appearances and maintaining her reputation and not about glorifying God.

• In her early 20s, God graciously showed her the reality of herself. She was in an unhealthy relationship and her family encouraged her to end it. She ignored them because she loved herself too much and was following her heart, but she didn’t realize her heart was deceitful. She convinced herself that Kristen and everyone was against her and wanted her to die an old maid. I would love to know what the red flags she keeps mentioning are.

• Finally by the grace of God, and after a trip to the mountains, she realized the relationship was a disaster. She was being sinful by not acknowledging it earlier. Then her world comes crashing down because now she can’t believe she’s been in this relationship for years and has been so blinded. During this, she doesn’t like herself because she feels like a naive fool. She is a mess and needs something deeper than self-love, she can’t just “pull herself up by her big girl panties and move on.” After they break up, she’s walking around in her neighborhood and God speaks to her and shows her a new way to interpret the gospel. She realizes that Jesus died for her sins and he loves her anyway.

• Self love isn’t the answer, understanding the gospel is the answer.

• The idea of self-love is permeating society. Phrases like: follow your heart, be true to yourself (Bethany admits she doesn’t know what that one means), follow your truth (This one is so deceiving that even Christians use it!) you are enough. This one isn’t helpful and is annoying. Look within yourself. Don’t let anyone stand in your way. Follow your inner dream. You’re a good person. Love yourself more. You just need to forgive yourself. If you’ve ever said that one, you need to look into scripture and realize that none of these are in the Bible, so they are wrong.

• Bethy heard a life coach once say that no one should get in your way and you need to follow your dreams. Bethy is upset because it means you put yourself before anyone else, even your husband.

• She Googles self-love. Is it all porn? Sigh, no. She gets a definition from a website that says: “Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.”

• We don’t need to hate ourselves. God needs to tell us our worth, we can’t decide it. The answer to everything like our happiness and thriving is found in the gospel.

• Now, imagine if Jesus had followed this advice? She goes on a long tangent and doesn’t quite comprehend the idea of wellbeing. I wonder if she thinks that self-love is the same as firefighters NOT going into a burning building because it’s bad for their wellbeing, because that’s basically what she’s saying.

• We’ve become the idols of our own lives and are obsessed with ourselves. We spend too much time on social media. Bethy telling me I spend too much time on social media is just...wow. Bethy says it’s okay that she goes on social media a lot because she is “pointing others to Christ.” We also spend too much time worrying about how we look and thinking about boys. Says the girl who is the most boy obsessed.

• She wants us to think about a well, and she has a picture of well in case you didn’t know what it looked like. What is the purpose of a well if there’s no water source? When we self love we try to get water out of an empty well, God is the water source, so we need to fill ourselves with him and then we can get water.

• The Bible completely goes against the idea of self-love.

• She gives a lengthy dramatic reading of the crucifixion from the Bible. The way she pronounces “Jesus” gets progressively more annoying. She gets very emotional, because she’s apparently never heard this story before (Spoiler: He dies). I also have zero idea what Bible version she’s using, but it sounds like a 9th grader wrote it.

• “Less self-love, more God love” I think we need t-shirts.

Understanding God's Timeless Design for Sexuality (Betsy Gomez)

• This woman drives me fucking nuts. Please, I hope she talks about the clitoris in this one.

• Oh good, we’re talking about Adam and Eve…again.

• Self-admittedly, she doesn’t know how to pronounce Hungary in English or in Spanish.

• She had no sex education growing up, so she went to a magazine like Cosmo in a doctor’s office and read it. She then used her TV in her room to start watching bad things and because of this, all her teenage years had a twisted version of what sex is.

• She got married and still didn’t understand sex. She didn’t enjoy having sex like the magazine said she would. She looks to the Bible instead, because God created sex, so he’ll have the answer. She keeps confusing the word “word” with “letter” which is confusing. She also keeps saying “sexual beans” instead of “sexual beings.”

• Females are females and males are males, our sexual organs are created by God and are a part of our identity. She is unable to say the words vagina or penis. She was also unable to explain to her son why he has a penis without her husband’s help. She ends up reading the Bible and then telling her 8-year-old son that he has been given a penis in order to “live a story of fruitfulness and multiplication.”

• The Lord has allowed us to know that he created women for men. From our origin, women have been intentionally created for relationships with men.

• She believes that Moses wrote Genesis. This is a popular belief, rooted deeply in tradition, however it has been somewhat disproven as the study of the text of the first 5 books of the Bible (usually credited to Moses) seems to reveal that they were written over the course of centuries by different people.

• God makes it clear that Adam and Eve were married, so that’s why they can have sex.

• Oh good, she’s gonna talk to us about Adam and Eve’s nakedness too.

• Betsy says that like others, she would be upset if God created her and then gave her as property to a man, but that’s because we are corrupted by sin. That idea is a sinful thought. Eve didn’t have those (yet), so it was okay.

• The purpose of sexuality is to be fruitful and multiply. Sexuality/sex cannot be disconnected from marriage. Sexuality isn’t only about sexual relationships.

• Eve didn’t have corrupted thoughts yet, she didn’t question her womanhood, she didn’t think she could just choose what gender she wanted to be and rebel against God. If you go on social media you will see women discontent with their feminine design.

• Adam and Eve’s sexuality was awesome in the beginning because not only were they connecting with each other, but also with God. I’m imagining Adam and Eve trying to get freaky and God peering at them from a tree with binoculars. But then Eve fucks up. She doesn’t trust God’s word.

• As a kid, Betsy is in her mom’s bed and falls asleep and when she wakes up, porn is playing (ah, old late night TV). Her mother turns off the TV and they never discuss what just happened. Betsy wants us to talk about sex with our moms or other godly women.

• She compares not talking about godly sexuality to using your microwave as a storage cabinet. If you don’t know how your microwave works you might put forks in it and then it’ll explode. That’s what will happen if you don’t know how the vagina works. You’ll explode. Don’t put forks in your vagina.

• The world says that sex is selfish, but sex is actually about God and serving others the way Jesus did. The world says that sex has no boundaries, but it actually has to be within a marriage.

• You need to doubt everything you see and read about sex unless it’s from the Scripture.

• We deserve death and God’s wrath, but God is good so he sent Jesus. Jesus had to be holy and pure in order to fulfill this duty, so Jesus has to abstain from sex.

• Therefore a man should leave his father and mother and hold fast his wife...This reinforces the fact that husband and wife is a unique and special relationship.

• There’s no sex in heaven.

• 3 Simple Ideas that We Need to Know:

  1. Sexuality is God’s very good idea.

  2. Betsy never finishes this list.

Navigating Relationships and Romance in a God-Honoring Way (Paul and Morgan Olliges)

• Oh, it’s another half-assed session by the dipshit twins.

• Morgan is wearing a Spongebob shirt, Paul is wearing a band-aid colored shirt that he says “is much better for his physique than the shirt he wore in the last video.”

• They still haven’t removed the piece of balloon foil from the wall.

• Morgan sees something move out of the corner of her eye and she concludes that it was the Holy Spirit.

• They set a timer so that they know how long to talk for. So far, their sessions have been the least prepared for and the shortest. They are 30-minutes long compared to everyone else’s 50-minutes.

• 3 minutes in and they are still trying to get through the introduction without giggling.

• Okay, here we go.

• The world’s version of relationships is much different from God’s version. You need a relationship rooted in God, rather than a worldly relationship. Godly relationships will be different from worldly ones, but you need to embrace that and know that you are rooted in Christ. If your relationship blends in with the ones around you then you know you aren’t in a God-honoring relationship.

• It’s okay for your relationship to look weird. Paul says he wishes he had waited until their wedding day to kiss Morgan for the first time. Instead, he waited until Morgan’s dad said it was okay.

• How many Christians go into a dating relationship casually and then cross lines they didn’t mean to? It’s because they didn’t take the time and thought to be intentional in their relationship and set up the proper boundaries.

• Morgan admits that she doesn’t know what Paul is talking about because she zoned out.

• Set firm and serious boundaries early in the relationship. You should write them down and make them very specific.

• Morgan admits that she dated a guy who was Christian but didn’t “walk with the Father” and ended up losing her virginity to him before marriage. Then she meets Paul, who is very intentional, and he didn’t want to hold hands with her until he was sure she was the one. Morgan thought that was weird, but they saved themselves for marriage and it was a “blessed thing when they finally got to DO IT.”

• They encourage you to wait as long as you can to do anything physical, even hand holding. This isn’t to avoid attraction, it’s to avoid lust outside of marriage.

• Don’t get too emotionally invested too soon. You should set emotional boundaries: types of conversations you’re willing to have, how long/late you’re willing to be on the phone with them, etc. Wait to tell them your secrets after you’re really committed to each other.

• They plug their book, Intentional Dating.

• If you’re staying up until 4 every morning with a guy talking and having deep conversations you’re moving too fast. Don’t isolate yourself from everyone else in your world when you get into a relationship.

• When the guy you’re talking to reveals that they are struggling, or have struggled, with an addiction to porn or a battle with lust...you can’t approach it passively. You need to find out where they are in their recovery and if they have an accountability partner.

• When Morgan lost her virginity it was because the guy she was with wasn’t serious enough about God and because he was the leader in the relationship, it made her less serious about God. Paul seems really uncomfortable whenever she brings this up. He also keeps touching his nipples.

• Is Morgan drunk?

• Ladies need to think about if they will be able to submit to this man. If you find yourself correcting him or criticizing him then you won’t be able to fully submit to him and your relationship will be bad. Women are supposed to submit to their husbands, so you need to find a guy that makes you excited about being submissive.

Serving God Through Missions and Orphan Work (Ellissa Baird)

• For some reason she’s going on about how tall she is and everyone in her family is. She gives a quick shoutout to all the other homeschool kids out there and announces that she didn’t go to college, she just started working for her dad right out of high school. Now, she works as an administrative assistant at her dad’s company and believes that God led her down that path.

• Oh, she’s talking about Andriy now. He’s “a super amazing, super Godly guy.” He’s a missionary in Ukraine and right now due to the Coronavirus, their relationship is extra complicated because they can’t see each other. “God has been so amazing to her through this relationship. God has been really faithful. But dating and singleness are for a different time, even though as women and girls we just love talking about it so much.” Ah yes, our only personality trait. She then tells us to go to her Instagram to see some pictures of her and Andriy.

• Ellissa is really passionate about her heart about mission and orphan work. She just loves orphans!

• She did a long-term internship with a nonprofit called Bring Me Hope out of California. She learned a lot about orphans and foster care. She got introduced to the organization by a friend. She’s been to China three times with the foundation and one of the little boys she met got adopted and that was so amazing and precious to see.

• Okay, here’s her journey to mission work.

  • She grew up in a Christian home and her parents were super wonderful and one day they sat down with her and explained to her that she was in fact, a sinner and that she needed a personal relationship with the Lord. They explained that she had done things against God, that upset God, and that she was separated from God. Jesus came as a perfect man and led a perfect life and he paid her debts. If she accepts Jesus as her savior and develops a relationship with him, then when she dies, she’ll get to be with him forever.

  • When she was 10 or 11, she started reading missionary stories. The one that really had an impact on her was about a young, 23-year-old woman from North Carolina who broke off her engagement and left everything to be a missionary in Egypt. Soon she became such a popular missionary and people learned about her work that they would bring her kids from the street or their children that they couldn’t care for, so she opened an orphanage. Ellissa uses the phrase “serving the least of these” which is some biblical jargon.

  • She reads from Katie Davis Major’s book - Daring Hope. She lists off a bunch of books by people I’ve never heard up who I am sure am very popular in the Fundie circles. She also keeps using the phrase “loving on” as in “these kids have no one loving on them” … which is also odd. David Platt? Radical? All the quotes she uses are pulled from the Bring Me Hope website.

  • Ellissa wanted to spend the rest of her life “rescuing orphans”, but she didn’t have the patience. She just wanted to board the next plane to Africa and help and love on people, but her parents wouldn’t let her just yet. She figures out that if she wasn’t even able to show love and compassion to her younger siblings, then how would she be able to do that for other children? She needed to learn how to have grace on her siblings, before she was ready for missionary work.

• Missionary work is really uncomfortable and you need to be ready for that. Are you looking to serve God or are you just looking for an adventure?

• Eventually she matures enough out of god’s waiting room and is ready for missionary work. She becomes an intern for Bring Me Hope and it changes her life. One summer she goes to China, to spend the summer loving on orphans. I guess they ran a summer camp for orphans so the kids could come for like a week? I have no clue where they go after the week is over. She’s really surprised to find out that all the kids have names...and personalities...and likes and dislikes.

• She learns that missionary work isn’t just fun and games. I don’t know why this was such a surprise. The beds were hard, the food was strange, the noises were weird, the smells were different. All the kids have been traumatized in some capacity which makes it complicated. She needed to learn how to love unconditionally.

• She lists off a bunch of Bible verses that I didn’t pay attention to.

9 Ways Every Christian Can Care for Orphans:

• • She stole these from some guy’s article.

  • Pray for them. Tape a picture to your dashboard or mirror or Bible and pray that they will find a family.

  • Speak up for them. Advocate on social media for them.

  • Provide for their needs. Give to an organization or organize a supplies drive.

  • Support those who support them by fostering or adopting. Babysit, mow their lawn, make them meals, pray for them.

  • Protect them from harm. Become a foster parent or an emergency foster parent. Raise money to build a children’s home for them.

  • Visit them. Go on a mission trip to an orphanage or visit foster kids in your own town or city.

  • Give sacrificially to them. Support and donate regularly in a financial capacity. Sponsor a kid online.

  • Encourage them to press on. Write them letters, etc. Become a mentor or a tutor to an older child.

  • Adopt them into your family. Give them a family.

3 Inspiring Women from the Bible and What They Teach Us (Susan Macias)

• Apparently, there're a lot of inspiring women in the Bible, which is weird because so far at this conference the only woman anyone has talked about is Eve. She goes on and on about how amazing and “sweet” the Bible is. Susan wants to focus on the lesser known stories of women in the Bible - the little blips that God has slipped in.

  1. Some nameless little girl - she’s a young girl who is taken captive by some soldiers and is forced to serve the wife of the general. The general is a leper and she tries to convince him to go see the Prophet of God because then he might get his leprosy cured. The general goes to see Elisha, the prophet at the time, who tells him to dunk himself 7 times in the river. So he does it 6 times and nothing happens and Elisha says well because you didn’t do it 7 times. So he goes back and does it a seventh time and his leprosy is cured. That’s it, that’s the whole story.

  2. Luke 2:39 - Anna, the Prophetess. She’s 84 and meets Joseph and Mary when they bring Jesus to the temple to be blessed. There’s a single line about her. She lives in the temple and serves God day and night. She’s a reminder that we don’t “age out of serving God.” She wasn’t able to have kids and her husband is dead. She’s apparently the only person from the tribe of Asher who does anything of worth in the Bible, as she’s the only one ever mentioned. She recognizes Jesus as the Messiah when he enters the temple. From that moment until the moment she dies, she talks about how the Messiah has arrived.

  3. Acts 16 - Lydia - a Turkish foreigner who owns her own business, selling purple fabrics. She was a Proselyte, where she chose to follow God and the Jewish faith and was not born into it. She meets Paul and hears him preach and God “opens her heart” and she becomes a follower of Christ.

  4. BONUS GIRL - nameless slave girl who is possessed and does fortune telling. She follows Paul and his guys around and annoys them. So Paul turns around and tells the evil spirit inhabiting her to leave her alone and it does and the girl is returned to normal.

• Susan then goes on to talk about another guy in the Bible who is possessed. Jesus casts out his demons and sends them into some nearby pigs, who go run off a cliff. Everyone is so upset that their pigs are now dead, they demand that Jesus leave town - but the guy that was saved is so stoked, he goes with Jesus and becomes a follower.

• Apparently the grand point of this is that no circumstance that you encounter is enough to make you “unusable to the Lord.” No matter the hardship you have faced, you can still be a tool for the Lord and his mission. “There is nothing happening that is outside of God’s hand - there is nothing keeping you from being faithful. Your past doesn’t condemn you or define you.” That’s not the worst advice I’ve ever heard.

• She rambles on for another 15 minutes. This one was really boring and I am glad that it’s over.

Pursuing Authentic Worship in the Midst of a Distracted Life (Heidi Baird)

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