no hero - Episode 1: the champion's gauntlyt

EPISODE 1 — THE CHAMPION’S GAUNTLET

The council meets to discuss threats to the land posed by the mysterious Waspmaster and vote on whether or not their chosen one is ready to embark on his prophesied journey. With the vote split, they resort to the treacherous Champion’s Gauntlet to prove their prospective hero’s mettle. This does not go well. 

COUNCIL ROUND — DAY

Horns blow a short melody.

ATTENDANT Last call for the doors! Council meeting commences in 5 minutes! If you’re meant to be in there, get your hindquarters on through these doors, and quick! Repeat, last call for—

PENNY Ahem.

ATTENDANT Oh! Sorry, little fella. Didn’t see you there. 

PENNY Didn’t—? You’re like a foot taller than me. I’m standing right in front of you.

ATTENDANT Hey, no need to be short with me. [CHUCKLES AT THEIR OWN JOKE, THEN PAUSES] I forgot my spectacles today, alright? Golly. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the mushroom today, eh? 

Papers rustle and pages flip. 

ATTENDANT Name?

PENNY Tuppence Pennyrobin. 

ATTENDANT Representing?

PENNY Just check the list, you’ll find me. It’s not a very common name. 

ATTENDANT Pennyrobin… Pennyrobin… [HUMMING AS THEY SEARCH] Pearancher, Pegmaster, Pendragon… Ah, there you are. Auxiliary Council seats are just through here, you can sit anywhere in the round except down at the fancy oval table in the central bit with the—

PENNY Yeah, yeah, I know the drill. 

ATTENDANT Great! Looks like you’re the last one, time to close her up—and with time enough for a pipe! Looks like the gods are shining down on us today, eh? 

PENNY Uh, yep. Mind stepping aside so I can go in?

ATTENDANT Sure thing. 

PENNY Thanks.

ATTENDANT Oh wait! Your stamp!

PENNY Ah, that’s okay, I really don’t need it—

ATTENDANT Everybody needs a stamp, Master Pennyrobin, so we know you’ve been checked in and so you can get back in to the Round Room if you have to step out to take a call or a piss or—

PENNY I don’t think I’ll be needing it, but thank you, really. 

ATTENDANT Hmm… hands are a little small for the stamp, doesn’t look like enough surface area—

PENNY Shucks, well, guess we can just agree to let me in and—

ATTENDANT How about here instead?

Stamp thumps.

PENNY [ANNOYED] In… the middle of my forehead. Yeah, for sure, why not. 

ATTENDANT Enjoy the meeting!

PENNY Uh huh. Enjoy your pipe. 

ATTENDANT Well thank you! You know what they say, a pipe a day keeps the physician— [PATTING SELF] Hm. Where is my pipe? I could’ve sworn I just had it in my pocket…

Scurrying footsteps, door closes.

PENNY [TO HIMSELF, SARCASTICALLY] Oops. How’d that get in my hand? 

Match strikes, pipe lights, Penny puffs on it. 

Chatter swells as we enter the Round Room. Voices rise and fall as Penny walks by them. 

REP #1 I heard it’s a dragon. A really big one. Like, the size of a dwelling. Maybe even a hamlet. 

REP #2 Well I heard it’s a great plague. One that gives you ugly oozy sores all over and makes your hair and teeth fall out. 

REP #3 Ew, really? I hope it’s a dragon. 

REP #2 You always hope it’s a dragon, Ezor. 

…

REP #4 [NERVOUS] Do you think Lady Imra got my letters? 

REP #5 Maybe. 

REP #4 But do you think she read them? Like actually held them in her hands and read them with her eyes? 

REP #5 [SIGH] I don’t know. Maybe she can’t read. That’s what important folk have hands for. 

REP #4 [CONFUSED] You think she reads braille? 

REP #5 No, hands, like servants and maids. 

REP #4 Oh, yeah, you’re right. She probably has a maid hold it for her, so she doesn’t get papercuts.

REP #5 [FLATLY] I think we should try taking a break. 

…

REP #6 All I’m saying is that I don’t see the point of taxes being allocated to support standardised

education when apprenticeships work just fine. A lad don’t need to know numbers if he

can build a cabinet. 

REP #7 Right. And getting a buncha kids in one building together just makes ‘em easier for witches to steal.

REP #6 Careful, mate. There may be witches here.

REP #7 I meant evil witches, the kid-stealing sort. 

REP #6 Anybody can steal kids, Cigrus. Don’t be prejudiced. 

…

PENNY This seat taken? 

WYLER Nah, go ahead. 

Penny takes a seat. 

WYLER I don’t think you’re allowed to smoke in here. 

PENNY The attendant at the door said it was alright.